Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Not yet rtft but wanted to say that for some of us a slow de tangle helps if there were no red flags etc. Mr U and I split up for similar reasons, ie not viable long term yet we still had feelings. One of us contacts the other regularly. It's gone from every 3-4 days to every couple of weeks. And in time will get longer. But we care about each other. Going nc would be horrible and there's no reason to. It would make it all far more painful and there is no expectation of a reunion.

@sunshineandflipflops I hear you. That was what we had and is what I will look for again. My children are way too young for me to get a proper LTR. And I'm too busy! And not currently in a position to offer enough.

It’s always best to ask (if you want to know) you can do it over text or on give phone as part of arranging a sleepover date.

Ive seen the post from a lot of people about waiting to sleep with someone. I was totally the other end of the spectrum and I’d met mr. G for an hour for a coffee and we had sex 30 mins into the second date 🙈. When I think back it seems crazy now. But we are still together a few months on so it’s ok.

Timing wise it depends on the person
With Mr Muddle he told me he wanted to only date/sleep with me first and then I went and thought about it for a while, dithered and then went and told him that I would only sleep with him so we already agreed prior to sex 😂
With dating others he’s already told me he isn’t bothered about dating anyone else but I haven’t told him the same thing - he didn’t ask. We just talked about sex

I wanted to say as well people waiting to message or waiting for the other person if you like someone just go for it and message. Worse case and they are not interested they won’t respond.

MrM and I's first date didn't even end with a snog - a fumbled kiss on the cheek. On the second we had a full on snog and my goodness was it worth waiting for! We dtd that evening too but we had a whole week of messaging 60+ times and a few FaceTimes too. We've been together for 4 months and still very much in the grab every chance to snog and grope!

It may look quick from the outside but we're both on the same page and are starting to finish each other's sentences. I've met his family and friends - he's meeting mine in a few weeks time and he's also met my children and they think he's ace.

@KermitRulesOk yes we messaged all day every day from date 1 to date 2 and spoke on the phone. How old are your children ? I’m not at the intro stage yet I don’t think but interested to see.

@Jane1978xx my children are 9 & 5 but the 9 year old doesn't live with me. We went to the seaside and played the 2p machines - both DD and DS had a whale of a time. They can see how different MrM is from their dad and MrM has said he's not trying to be daddy just wants to slot in and join my little family. They can also see how happy he makes me

My daughters 9 and that introduction sounds great. I don’t think we are quite at that stage thou

Think the messaging is coming to an end now, well at least all the questions.
I woke up to a very long heartfelt message today which did have me questioning if I'd done the right thing, but I left it for a bit and gave myself a slap.
Think she's most disappointed and angry that I didn't talk any of my concerns through with her, but it's something I've never been particularly good at. Always just tend to resolve everything internally and then blurt out a decision, clearly not great for the other person!
Hopefully we will at least be able to say hello if we bump into each other in the pub.

It’s a lesson learnt for the future. Quite a lot of men have told me that they had that feedback from their exes and they realised it was something they wanted to work on in the future. You can’t go backwards only forwards! And you know what - if it was the right person you would have less hesitation to bring something up

@Ant330 I think the thing with talking things through with her is that she's naturally going to try and persuade you that things are/will be ok so your decision making and thought processes will be influenced. I understand that from her POV, she was excluded from your thought processes but I think it's quite normal to keep doubts to yourself until you know one way or another what you want to do.

I'd be surprised if it was over yet @Ant330 it's a lot to process as you said it will have come out of the blue for her. I think we can be kind and compassionate without building too much hope. Keep answers calm. Don't reply straight away.

Mr S was very cold when we broke up. It helped in one way as I could see he meant it. And also that he wasn't the person I'd imagined. But also hurt he was able to shut his feelings off to me so abruptly.

I'm on the 'don't see a long term future, how long do I enjoy the ride' for bench. I have feelings. Maybe even approaching L feelings for my BF. But I don't see we are compatible long term. He's very in the moment. No responsibilities. Living a simple life. I'm bogged down by responsibilities and very concerned about the future.

I'm in the same position @Notcoolmum. I've decided to keep on as longs as it's still fun. I don't want a serious relationship, so there's nothing to gain in trying to find someone with more aligned long term goal right now.

I would like LTR @UncorrectedDoormat and I'm very fond of my BF. I just don't see how we would work out in a long term way. But we get on and have fun so 🤷🏻‍♀️

See I knew from the start I wanted a LTR and seriously didn't want casual - I wanted someone who would slot into my life and someone who was on the same page. Meeting MrM was a stroke of pure luck I think

Wow how wrong was I! I just got a bunch of ranting texts which I couldn't really read properly as I was driving, followed by a ranting phone call. I had to disagree with a lot of what she's saying this time as she's just twisting what I've said now.
In the end I just said this is getting us nowhere, I've made my decision and I'm done talking. There's only so much I'm willing to take.
Clearly I knew she wouldn't be happy but gutted it's ended like this 🙄

Pressed send too soon! It just so happens he wanted the exact same thing. We're both at the exact same place in our lives and have come together perfectly (or about as perfect as can be!)

@Notcoolmum no not met mr hot yet, we’re meeting for a coffee Saturday morning.

@Ant330

This is what I mean, it’s going to just make it so bad that you will never be able to nod and smile in passing. She’s not getting the answers she wants from you so she’s going to just carry on being angry!

Oh dear @Ant330. Don't forget the messing around she did in the summer though - she's hardly perfect.

@KermitRulesOk It's not that I'm not looking for a LTR but I just don't know what I want that to look like. I want to be independent financially (ideally to buy my ex out of the family home). I have asked to increase my hours to f/t at work but not sure that's going to be enough still.

I just want to be ok on my own so that if this or any other relationship ends, I am not financially stuffed. If I can somehow buy ex out then MAYBE some day Mr Ad might move in with me but he definitely wouldn't go on the mortgage.

I guess there's only so long we can continue as we are, an hour apart and seeing each other EOW and a night in the week but with my kids and his AA commitments, we can't do any more at the moment anyway. He has applied for a job between where he lives now and where I live so that's would be a step in the right direction if he got it and moved there (only half an hour's distance).

Aw @ant330 that's what Mr S said to me. Broke my heart. But I suppose there is no easy way...

Yep @Notcoolmum that's what MrT said to me and it was this that broke my heart. It was the finality of it and he never discussed any of it with me

I had the same from Miss Confusing - she had made up her mind and there was nothing I could say that would change it. Broke my heart too, but as you say there’s no easy way to do it.

@ant330 I'd say it anyway she will be heartbroken whatever u say and talking too long will only delay it and hold u both back.. I think its good UV tried to talk it through but once uv given ur reasons theres not much else u can say.

like someone else said, it can go on too long. I still get texts wanting to discuss from my ex. separated 12months was a LTR tho, enough is enough. he is in a terrible state because he wont let it drop and try and move on.

I have a quick query about number swapping....is it the done thing for the man to ask for your number, you ask for his, or offer yours? and when does this normally occur....my date tomorrow and I have not swapped numbers as yet.