Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Ant330 Sorry to hear about you and Miss H. I've rarely been the dumper but I can imagine how bad you must feel.

A lot of what you said makes me feel uncomfortable because I see it with Mr Ad and me. He is great and I love being with him but I think I know deep down it's not got legs for long term. My problem though is that I am not ready to think about long term with anyone so this kind of suits me as it kind of can't progress from what it is now for the forseable.

If I were looking to settle down and re-marry/get a mortgage with someone else then I would definitely think about ending things but what I am looking for is financial independence away from any man and someone to spend time with when I don't have my kids and all my friends are with their families.

He's lovely and I love him and he loves me and I think maybe I'm prolonging the inevitable but for now, it works.

What really wise words on here today. I'm learning a lot !
Boundaries and being genuinely true to myself is something I really need to work on and I have tried to be totally honest with Mr P.
In fact I think I've been too honest and wish I could take a few things back!

I'm now sitting on my hands since last night hoping he'll message me today.
Last nights goodnight message was " hopefully I'll speak to you tomorrow " and straight away my brain says why only hopefully??????
So, I'm waiting for him to contact me.
I gave him a snog he can at least message me first!!!

@Ant330 really sorry to hear about you and Miss H - really hope she gets closure soon but I agree with whoever said about not prolonging her agony for too long as for me when I was dumped I saw every bit of contact as a bit of hope with Mr T.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking I can totally see both sides of what you're posting about and also what people on here are saying. You do come across as very up and down - which is really not a dig but you have just come out of a marriage. Things with MrM went very quickly and we both dropped the L bomb just short of 4 weeks in. The difference being I was absolutely ready for a relationship after Mr T and my marriage was well and truly over years before it actually ended. Just try and slow it down a touch but we only care about you. There is a wealth of experience on the thread which I found really helpful.

@Sunshineandflipflops I find that very sad that you don't really see a future with Mr AD - does he feel the same?

@PerfectPretender really sorry about you and Mr G but sometimes you just know when you have to end it.

Welcome to the newbies and good luck! OLD can be absolutely ruthless so follow the rules and you can't go far wrong! Also no question is a silly one!

@KermitRulesOk I honestly don't know. His situation also means that he can't plan or think too much into the future so I think we're on the same page of enjoying what we have right now.

I'd like some sort of future with him but what that looks like I don't know. Certainly very different to the one I thought I was going to have with ex.

No false hope being given, I've been very clear on that, nor will I let it drag on too long as that's not healthy for either of us, but it only happened day b4 yesterday.
I feel she deserves some answers to her questions plus the option to vent a bit while she processes what's happened.
And yes we do have some mutual friends, although not people I see regularly, but there is the possibility of bumping into each other in future so that's also a factor.
sunshine yes this was a big part of my decision as I knew what MissH saw for our future. I suppose it was kind of a shit or get off the pot moment for me.

@CMalarkey a couple of things you said worry me a bit...

I gave him a snog he can at least message me first!!!

That's a very transactional way for looking at initmacy. Did you snog him to try to make him more interested/keen, or because you wanted to for you?

And not messaging him when you want to, or overthinking his messages looking for hidden clues. Do you feel secure about trying to progress the relationship? Or do you need him to chase you?

It doesn't sound promising from the way you're thinking/writing about it.

@CMalarkey one thing I have learnt on here is what will be will be, and no amount of hoping anything will happen will make it happen, but I really hope he messages you today though, and glad it went well for you last night :-)

I am looking forward to my date tomorrow night, no expectations though this time. He is initiating contact though which is good, and I am going to keep it that way going forward. He is also extremely polite which is unusual, starts every message with Hi Bang, and signs off with Regards, Mr Dumfries. Most men seem to just send a quick thumbs up or emojis....I like his politeness. Hope he is ok in person!

Ikea stresses me out, but then all shops do. If I never had to go to any shop again except the tiny Co-op down my road, I would be one happy tiger 🐯

my update is Mr Muddle has still been in frequent contact - boy he likes using a phone 😂 I think this could be his age he’s just turned 34?

I’ve found the older ones are more likely to be either adverse to phones or really not that bothered about messaging as much as the younger men and this may also go for women. I may be wrong 😂

He will send me random photos and memes and messages and then also random FaceTimes. Yesterday he was a bit soppy after we had slept together for the first time but now we are back onto flirty banter which is definitely my comfort zone

It’s interesting to read about people’s thoughts and experience with contact during/after a breakup. I felt really hurt and confused at the weekend (and still do if I’m honest) when Miss Confusing ended it, and needed to ask her a few things. I’m not sure if she was being totally honest by saying it wasn’t anything I did wrong but just rubbish timing, which is the worst thing as I still have a tiny amount of hope she’ll be back in touch at some point once she sorts her life out. I’ve even had thoughts this morning about asking to meet face to face to talk about it, but deep down I know I’m just grasping at straws and I need to leave her in peace.

I tried to walk away with my head held high though - I’ve done the ranting and begging thing before during my first break up many years ago and all it does is push them away more and make you feel like a dick afterwards.

As for other irons - I’ve tried to take a break from the apps this week, but had one woman reply to a message I sent on Monday and she’s keen to speak on the phone tonight. I fancy her, and she seems nice so will see how things go. She’s not someone I would usually go for in that she has kids and is slightly older than me, but I’m not sure I’m in the right place to meet Miss Right at the moment, so I’m not looking for a long term partner - and it may well be she isn’t either so will just be open with her and see what happens. I usually hold back though and don’t give many signs I fancy someone, so often just fall into the friend zone - maybe this time I need to be a bit more upfront with the fact I fancy her, but I don’t want to be creepy about it.

Ive also signed up for a cooking event on Saturday night - not dating related, but my first step to improving myself and trying to move on from Miss Confusing.

Cat - I know, I would rather just be told directly that someone is not interested. I think mixed signals, being busy, not in the right headspace are just excuses ( probably trying to be kinder), but in reality it's not. I appreciate honesty though. Mr Straight also said to me the ' rubbish timing' excuse. I wouldn't advise messaging her again, she knows where you are if she has an epiphany and realises she has made a mistake!

I also worry about dating, as I have been told I am hard to read, and that it appears I am not interested, when I am. There is a fine line between not being OTT and not appearing aloof, and I haven't quite grasped the middle ground yet.

So can I ask after how many dates or how much amount of time or at what stage the exclusivity chat should be? I'm only on date 3 tomorrow, been in contact for a while though, I think we might sleep together tomorrow, I want to, he wants to... I'm not happy with sleeping with someone who's sleeping with others that's the thing :/ but also feel it's too soon for the exclusive chat. So maybe I shouldn't sleep with him... but I want to. Lol

Just say that to him. I don't have sex until a relationship is exclusive. Many of us don't.

Bang, I know she was busy and definitely not in a good headspace but I agree, if she really wanted to see me she would have. I know she’s in regular touch with an ex who she says is no more than a friend, but I suspect maybe there’s more to that than she’s letting on. I know you’re right - she knows where I am, so I need to stay true to my word when I said I wouldn’t get back in touch. Although maybe I’ll reconsider that in a few months depending on how I feel then.

I’m told I’m “nice” so many times - I’m the typical nice guy! I was out with a friend earlier in the week and he said I needed to be more upfront and flirty, but it feels unnatural to me. Maybe all I need to do is just be open about saying I fancy someone when I do?

@mrshappen I'm not sure, I always wonder this too. Is it okay to say that to someone after 3 dates? or does that come across as trying to lock something down when it's still early days?

I always make it clear to people that I only want to have sex with them if they are not having sex with others
If they want to multi date that’s fine but there will probably be no sex and same goes for me really
But this doesn’t mean ‘come off all apps’ and never speak to other people I feel like that is a different exclusive kind of chat... you need to cover both things

@TheCatWithTheHat I always get told I am too nice! So getting to grips with these dating rules does not come naturally to me either.

If you do fancy someone then tell them, or maybe word it that you had a lovely time, and enjoyed their company and find them attractive and try and set up a second date quite promptly!

@TheCatWithTheHat

What you have to ask yourself is deep down honesty - is the line of questions you want to ask actually going to help? People who are trying to watch your feelings are not going to be so brutal to tell you exactly what you did wrong, and would you really want to know? And is it more hope you can talk her round and allay any fears she has?

I’ve gone off people for all kinds of ick reasons or just not feeling the spark but I don’t want to crush their spirit which is why you use all the ‘excuses’ as I’m not ready or looking for a RS

The answer is rarely that you could have done anything differently - chemistry and attraction is not something you can control. You feel strongly towards someone or you don’t. You can picture yourself with someone or you can’t. And talking about it is very unlikely to change someone’s mind. I think that’s why it takes a while to sink in because it doesn’t make sense for the person on the receiving end who doesn’t feel the same way

@menora @UncorrectedDoormat do you both ask if they are dating others though? how does that convo actually come up?

@bangheadhere40 exactly my thoughts. 🤔

I probably move slower than most here, but I had a chat around 8-10 weeks in about having an at home date and possibly sleepover. Made it clear that I wanted to be more intimate than just snogging. I asked very directly about STI test status and whether he was still seeing anyone else.

We'd both kept talking to other irons for the first 3-4 weeks. I decided not to multi date. He did for a while, but then stopped.

I'm typically very direct, though.

@Menora honestly, I don’t think anything I could ask would help. It’s just that the hope for what could have been is still writhing around on the floor in its final death throes and taking time to die. I’m also tending to ignore all the red flags and just looking at the good points and amazing connection I felt with her, so I need to focus on what wasn’t right.

It’s just confusing for me as she was always the one to talk/fantasise about us dating, having kids, buying a place together, visiting places she wanted to go and even when I last saw her she was talking about saving money together and joking about me having to sign a pre-nup.

I went on a few dates with someone else not long before I met her and started to fall for her quite quickly. She told me after our third date that she just didn’t feel a spark and I was a lovely guy but not right for her. I’d much rather hear that than be told it’s not you, it’s just bad timing - as in my mind that suggests that at some point when the timing is right there may be a chance to re-kindle things.

I’m also really persistent and have got back together with two ex’s before, one after a break of 6 months, and the other after about 2 months. So part of me knows it is possible, which is really bad for me moving on!

It's a perfectly normal conversation to raise before you jump into bed with someone. It's a question I would ask and be happy to be asked.
It doesn't necessarily come up naturally though, if it's important to you then just come out with it.
Everybody is expecting the topic to come up at some point, it's part of OLD, so there should be no surprise to the other person.

About being "too nice" there is a difference between being nice while still assertive and being nice but wishy washy. Mr C is definitely on the nicer end of the spectrum - very thoughtful, sweet, softly spoken and kind. But at the end of the first date he said "I'm going to kiss you" and did - it was lovely! And by the time I'd got home he'd text asking for a second date and laid out his availability for the next 4 days. He made it clear he was keen and that was really attractive.

I’m just really direct but I have found when it comes to it men seem to be keener than you think to tell you they will delete apps - the safe bet of regular sex should not be underestimated!

I always clarify ok you aren’t sleeping with anyone else, are you still dating? Just need to let me know if you see yourself sleeping with someone else as I would rather know