Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@nomore sounds like you have had a lot of contact, hope it goes well.

I agree with @shitwithsugaron I think all regular posters on this thread genuinely want everyone to be happy. Whether that's in a relationship. On their own or having some no strings fun. I love the updates from those that have found love and moving in together and having babies. But we have also seen (and experienced) people jumping into with both feet and getting hurt. If something is love it won't go anywhere. There's no harm in taking things slowly, having some boundaries and protecting yourself. There's no rush to the finish.

Honestly @bangheadhere40 for me it's the only way to go these days. I'm not chasing a date. A message. A relationship. Never again.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 yes I put it down to me having a type that I'm attracted to, which I clearly do and that's probably unavoidable, but I took the rough with the smooth with my ex and found I was falling into the same pattern. My best mates wife pointed it out to me on a group night out about 10 days ago and it stuck with me.

It's been an emotional day of messaging with cycles of upset and anger. I know some might suggest I step away completely, but I can't just ignore her after 8 months together. I have been very clear that if my responding to texts is giving any false hope that I might change my mind then I will stop replying, but she's said that's not the case she just wants to understand what's happened. I'm just having to take the anger and bitterness on the chin, hopefully it's helping.

@Ant sounds like your handling this very kindly, I hope it gives her some closure.

Good date with Mr scenery, good film, he’s asked to see me again next Wednesday, bit of an awkward moment in the lift in the multi-storey not sure if he was going for the lips or the cheek, not sure if I turned away, or what happened, but it was nice.

I'm back. We chatted for hours in the pub. I really like him.
Then when he dropped me off we had a snog on the car instigated by me. Dont think it would have happened otherwise lol.
We haven't arranged another date but he's text to say good night and speak soon.

IN the car not on !!! Omg

Thank you. I know you're not having a dig. It's something I'm thinking about a lot hence why I posted here. It's also why I haven't actually said it to him despite the thought going round and round in my head. Rule number (think this is right) 12 definitely applies. I've talked too him about how fast this has gone and how unsure I am and we've spoken about going slowly and that neither of us expected this. I appreciate your concern and I don't dismiss what you're saying. All I can do is try to protect myself and travel hopefully, I think...

Hi Newley Dating here after 3 years of being single after a 9 year marriage. I'm in my early 30s

I started seeing someone about 3 weeks ago, been on a couple dates, got another one tomorrow. It's going good, I don't really know what I'm doing though! 😩

Ant so sorry it's ended. Do you think it's helping her if you are replying to all her texts? A clean break might be kinder?

NoMore I agree with the others - you can really, really like someone, knowing what you know about them, which isn't everything. But be wary, it's not love.

Ant I don’t think it’s good for you to carry on being the bad guy and allowing her to vent onto you for too long - you have done what you needed to do, and her beating you up isn’t helping anyone
I think it’s undignified of her really... and although I would feel horribly guilty, it’s probably just cementing your feelings!
Stop replying to her... it’s for both of your own good

NoMore - the way I see this is from the POV from my own iron right now. We do click pretty well - the best in a long time - although there are annoyances on my side, he is someone I would want to be friends with as well as have sex with.
What you feel now is the hope of love, not love. It’s ok to have the hope, but don’t mistake it for love - it could be something maybe, so just allow it to grow and don’t rush

@Ant330
I'm with menora on this, how long are these messages going to go on for?

I did the same with my ex husband as I felt guilty for ending things and wanted him to fully understand the reasons.
22 months later he is still messaging me asking questions and begging to try again.
I've had to put a stop to his messages and he is blocked on everything but text.
If the messages start, I tell him to stop and if he doesnt I ignore.

Miss H has to understand that relationships end all the time, there doesnt even have to be a reason.
She will never fully understand, you will give the same answers and you just go round in circles so no one gets closure.

Going against the flow on the @ant330 situation. They were together 8 months. Have broken up before. It's come out of the blue for her. I think it's kind and fair to answer questions and not just vanish. And I think that you run in similar circles and have joint friends?

I'm not sure how talking about love after a week of meeting someone is going slowly @nomoreweepingandwanking ? Your first date was a week yesterday? Or why you'd need to be talking to someone you have known for such a short space of time about going slowly? I'd struggle to fit 3 dates in over a week let alone the calls and video chats. I do hope you are seeing friends and family and not putting all your energy into a relationship. I'm sure last week you said you weren't ready for a relationship? 5 months after a long marriage is still very fresh and raw. How old are your children. How are they dealing with it all? Did you find a new job? You've been through a lot in a short space of time and I don't honk we realise how vulnerable that makes us. I will echo shitwith and say there are times I've been genuinely concerned for your wellbeing.

I think it’s absolutely fine to answer some questions and try to help the other person gain closure. Just that it sounds like from Ants posts perhaps it’s becoming unhealthy and unhelpful. He’s been open and honest with her
8 months isn’t a marriage or even a LTR it is still the beginning really
You cannot make someone feel better about being rejected when you are the rejector

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking I’m glad you say you are hearing what’s been said, I hope at least some of it is giving you pause, and helping you keep a foot on the ground. There’s been a lot of wise words from wise people. I’m listening very hard, things are quite intense with Mr Hot, I’ve googled limerance and love bombing and keeping my very cynical hat on but the fantasy he’s building is quite something! There’s a part of me that would love to believe it’s all true, but I think it’s far more likely to be a train crash! You mentioned kinks, and I think for me certain kinks can lead to an honesty and openness that feels real, but I’m well aware he’s projecting a fantasy onto me that can’t possibly be real as he doesn’t know me he only knows what I’ve chosen to show him, and whilst that’s real and I’ve been very open it’s only a small part of me.
For me I can clearly see the contrast between mr scenery and mr hot, mr scenery is cautious, reserved but open to possibilities and I feel he’s rooted in reality. That I don’t know what he’s thinking makes me vulnerable but I know it’s how things should be at this stage. Mr hot is intense, very open and direct, and I know that is more exciting but that absolutely doesn’t mean that’s what I should choose!

@cmalarkey Sounds like a great date! Good for you - now sit back and wait for him!
Had a lovely chat with Mr Mechanic last night - we both admitted we're nervous about getting into anything - but agreed to just see what happens. Feel a bit better this morning as happy to go slowly and it appears so is he.
About talking to more than 1 iron - I've never got on with it TBH. There's always 1 guy that I like more than the others - so I only really focus on the one anyway - so a little while ago I decided to just talk to 1 person at a time - just what works for me.

nomore as I said I’m really glad you’re having a nice time you bloody deserve it. Just try not to rush or be rushed. Everyone is different but I left my ex husband 2 years ago and only just think I’m emotionally ready to move on. Not saying it won’t work with your iron, just make sure you look after yourself.

ant Hope you are feeling better today. I agree be kind but ensure you are not offering false hope.

Cmalarky damn! snogging ON a car would be brilliant! Glad you had a good date

Welcome mrshappen isn’t the new dating world nuts? None of us know what we are doing. Good luck.

Was it tigerdater who has a Spotify share situation? I meant to respond to say that’s brilliant 😂 you will be heading to Ikea next!

@menora I think 8 months is the full of hope stage so I understand how Ms H might be feeling now. Especially as Ant has broken it off before. Not judging you here Ant. Finishing with someone you care about isn't a pleasant thing to do.

When I ended things with Mr B I allowed him to come back to me. I replied to questions and stood back where he needed me to. Although how he handled it was a part of me missing him as he wasn't bitter or angry.

Ha ha marlboro I’m not a fan of Ikea, if he tries taking me there he’s history! But I get the allusion, thanks.

Easy to get confused on here @stuckinarut have you met Mr Hot yet?

I think re break ups I feel like I have learnt the hard way with contact and trying to be kind and respectful that often my own needs are completely forgotten about by the dumped person and then I found myself allowing them to overstep boundaries because I felt guilty. It makes sense that you take on a level of responsibility when ending a RS, and although I see you have been clear about false hope, it can still give an impression of hope as you still care. I don’t know what reasons you gave to her specifically but I have found that I don’t want to be too brutally honest about the other persons flaws that made us incompatible, so I end up taking most of the blame. I think how you go about it is important and what you say to them
Some people want to pick at a break up like a painful wound and find it extremely difficult to process that the other person just doesn’t want a RS with you anymore

I love IKEA 😂

I guess we have all been in both @Ant330's position and that of Ms H. It's never easy but at least there is some dialogue while she begins to come to terms with it. I know that suits me better but as someone said we are all different.

Tinder irons are warming up although not sure where I want to go with a couple of them as yet. It's always that fine line between flirtation and it then tipping over into the territory of too much sexual innuendo. Mr ITU and I have chatted in person the last couple of evenings, late because I have been out. I think I am going to meet him on his first day off next Tuesday. Not sure how I feel about him. maybe best to just see how things go over the next few days. New iron Mr Photography seems keen to meet, not spoken in person yet but planning to do so today. couple of others but I will save you the list !
I think this debate got touched on yesterday but never quite sure whether to go for younger and better looking or older and more likely to become something long term. Another one where we are going to have differing opinions