Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Oh second date I wouldn’t worry as much
Have you stalked him up a bit on SM and checked him out? 😂

Yeah I agree I think that it is lust and hormones it’s just an interesting phenomena that I have heard a lot about. I’ve only really been in love twice, the real painful rollercoaster kind - I think my other exes I thought I loved them but I always knew deep down that it wasn’t that feeling in the bottom of your stomach that made you feel tied to them and wanted to be with them forever kind of love

I agree with NotCool. You can feel lust and strong like but not love. To be honest l the thing that has knocked me for six more than anything is not the attraction and the like, but the comfort and ease. I would normally expect to be with someone for months before it was that comfortable just sitting with them.

I have a cynical head on but the more I get to know him the more I keep looking further forwards than just to the next date. I'm actually more worried about hurting him. We'll see.

I do like it when you meet someone comfortable like that - it’s a lovely feeling. I have had that feeling with my friends and it’s fantastic, when you meet a new friend and you think I GET YOU and want to spend your time with them. So there is certainly some kind of connection with other people that can happen instantly

notcool no she wasn't expecting it, although knew I hadn't been my usual self for a few days. She wasn't ok but is pretty tough and seems to be coming to terms with it. Initially confused, upset and angry, still the last two but less so as she's understood my reasons better.
She's still pissed off with me that I won't work on it together and that I've decided all this without talking to her. And that as she's never asked me for anything more serious why am I so worried about the future.
All are fair questions which I've answered as best as I can, but at the same time I know how I feel and I need to do what I believe is right for both of us.
I know I could probably have carried on for months, ignoring the doubts and just having a good time together. But that's not fair to either of us when we could be moving on and finding the right person.
But actually the thought of starting again just fills me with dread and makes me doubt my decision 🙄 so I'm in no rush.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking how long have you been single for?

I had that connection with Mr S. And I know he felt it too. I thought it was special enough to let go. He didn't. But love is something that happens over time. Imho.

@CMalarkey Do you have Uber and money to cover it? Then don't stress too much. Tell a pal where you're meeting him and his name. No problem

I've fallen head over heels twice at a fast pace. Both were wrong for me in different ways. One was my DD's dad, and I overlooked and pushed aside red flags initially. They all bore fruit over the years that brought the relationship to its knees. Never again will I go jumping into it with the same wanton abandon

@Ant330 If you don't mind me asking - were the things that ended it for you the same things that caused issues at the start?

@cmalarkey - I've accepted lifts from guys on a 2nd date before and allowed them to drop me home to my door. Probably not advisable behaviour but i've not had a problem at all. meeting in a safe place is sensible though. I do think there is a tendency these days to think everyone is a serial killer - but actually i think you can trust your instincts to a certain extent and if you think this guy is ok - he probably is.

Agree with others though try and check him out on social media and tell a friend where you're going and everything you know about this guy - just in case.
Have fun on your second date - and to think a few hours ago you thought he'd disappeared! Thats the way this new dating goes!!

Joined POF to have a look and see who is out there and already the monotony of the rubbish small talk, hi how are you? How was your day? Etc messages are getting to me. I'm trying not to be rude but I don't want to waste their time and mine if I don't find you somewhat attractive or interesting. I think sometimes that's my problem, that I'm too nice and feel bad for not responding

@Menora i think limerance is a bit different, like an obsessive kind of love. I had never heard of the term till on here. My friend has it I believe, obsessive with her ex to the point where it's very unhealthy. Crying, distraught, even when they are doing the worst things. It's not like a normal relationship type of woe. It literally makes them ill. My FWB had it with an ex and he told me he used to be crying all weekend, every weekend, when she was on dates. He was completely obsessed.

supercali no they weren't.

Without going into detail there were too many similarities in personality to my ex. Whilst a lot of those traits I find attractive, others became an issue over time. Close friends had already pointed this out and without telling me outright had hinted that MissH probably wasn't right for me long term.

@Dancerinthemoonlight and everyone really, regarding small talk, what would you suggest saying as an opening line? I never know what else to say really apart from - Hi, how are you? tips welcome!

I would try pick something from their profile or photos as an opening line

Like I love New York!
Or I also run too
Or I like your guitar, how long have you been playing?
You like cheese? Me too!

I need to re-do my profile, but never know what to put! I want to write it in a way that shows I am looking for a relationship, but not in a really serious type of way!

@menora thanks, good ideas there

I have no idea, it's just goes round in a circle or they haven't read my profile and ask what I like doing in my free time. I want to be rude and ask if they actually read my profile but I just basically copy and paste what I have put in my profile.

@Menora thats a good idea of honing in on their profile to talk about something. Thank you. Feel like I have been out of old for ages but it's only been 3 months

I like it when people do it to me

I have on my profile some ins for people to use

Like ‘Marvel over DC’
And I also state how much I like cheese

Then I notice I am giving interesting people something to comment to me about and I try to do it to them too. I think I would usually not comment on their appearance but either their job, something they are doing in a photo or something they have said on their profile

@bangheadhere40 Chuckle....i'm not sure what that means? Relationship but....?

@Ant330 Ah yes, I get that - people (me anyway) tend to be drawn to similar traits. It takes quite a conscious effort to recognise it. The date I ran away from at 2am was so like my ex down to his name and the way he heated up dinner plates. Too much for me

When I was still on the apps my profile was generally a one line offbeat thing. It didn't mean anything, it was just an oddity. But I tend to like the offbeat sorts, so there'd be quizzical enquiries or funny retorts.

Just updated my profile with little tidbits about me that hopefully will make good conversation starters.

Officially over for 5 months with 2 additional months of limbo before that. And well over a year prior to that of wondering how much longer I could cope with his mental health.