Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Ant330 I'm sorry to hear that. 8 months is a long time. Same as me and Mr U. Take it easy there's no rush...

There's room for another on the not currently dating but still here bench although as you're joining we may have to change the name from the Cockless Cocktail Bench... 😬

The thing I love about this thread is it's so hard to leave even once you're partnered up or not dating.

do any of u stay friends with irons who UV date for a few months? how do u find it, does it just fizzle out?

I dont mean the one date no spark but become friends.

@Ant330 sorry to hear that.

I might be joining you on the Non-dating cocktail bench (will definitely need a rename if Ant and I join!) - I’ve had a bit of an epiphany after speaking to both Miss No Name and Miss Horse, and I’m starting to think I need to step away from OLD for a bit and do stuff for me rather than looking for new connections to make me happy. All I’ve done since my LTR ended in June is swipe and date, and I’ve put too much of my own happiness into feeling wanted.

I’m applying to volunteer at a local animal rescue centre, and also do a course - maybe cooking. Both things that are good for me, and also get me out and about and meeting new people. And you never know, maybe I’ll meet my next potential partner that way.

@CMalarkey, glad that he has responded. Hope you have a great night. We will no doubt have the update later or tomorrow ! yay
@catinthehat, sounds like a plan. I think sometimes you need time out to re centre and feel ready for new people.

Long term ( almost 6 years ) FWB Mr Cocky is sending me rude and funny messages ahead of Friday. I bit the bullet and said to DD that he was coming round and could she stay out of the way, no problem !
Not sure I am in the right frame of mind to go out and meet new irons. Not sure I have got Mr Van out of my mind enough yet. Seeing Mr Cocky is more like seeing a friend and no expectations ( although I love him very much for all the rude and thoughtful things he has done since knowing him )

oops, tag should have been @TheCatWithTheHat*. Now some randomer is going to get a message saying I have tagged them !!

@ant330 i’m sorry to hear that, but knowing you (as much as one can know a stranger on an Internet forum) i’m sure you made the right decision.

@catwiththehat i’m sorry things didn’t work out with Miss Confusing and the painful few days you’ve had since. I can recommend MeetUp groups as a way of meeting people. I think I live near you and I met some lovely people when I split up with my ex in the local rambling group.

@unambiguousbeard
It is hard to leave this group, I joined Feb 2019 and even though I am in a relationship I am very invested in everyone (and slightly in awe of some people who offer the most amazing advice and don’t take any crap).

ant I’m really sorry to hear your news, I remember how hard you fought for Miss H so this decision can’t have been easy for you.

But at least the Cocktail Bench is no longer cockless 😂

Well you'll all have to kick me out because I'm not leaving of my own accord!

Definitely no interest in dating for quite some time, I feel very sad thinking about all the good times with Mr G, and all the negative things I ignored, and how he must be feeling. It is just rubbish.

Pass the mimosas.

Sorry to hear your news Ant. I think you and Cat Will still have fun on the bench - get yourself a Pina Colada!

No one is to leave! This should be a new rule 🤔

@Ant330 sorry to hear your sad news.

Small update from me: Mr GN is away this week and I am missing him, a strange feeling for this hard-hearted Hannah to deal with. On his return on Monday he’s going to add me to his Spotify Premium account. I think this means we’re engaged? 😂

@crazycatlady20

Yes I have one
He is called John and at the time some years ago he just was all over the place and annoyed me. But he persisted in trying to have a friendship we talk from time to time on text and wish each other Happy Christmas and follow each other on SM. It’s a bit weird but he’s harmless 😂

Oh Lordy. So sorry I haven't rtft but I'm supposed to be working and I wanted to drop in and say hi. Hugs to all those feeling blue atm.

Mr Rough Diamond is fucking amazing. I kept looking at him and thinking 'God, I bloody love you' and having to gulp the words back down because it's absurd to feel like that over someone you've only met three times, even if you have spent over 70 hours talking. But he feels the same. I know he does, we're both just trying to take it slow and failing miserably.

We had a very honest chat yesterday where he confessed his extreme lack of experience in relationships. He has some reasons for this (gritted teeth focus on career, shyness, weight issues) but since a major life event in the last year he has lost weight, cut back his working hours, looked for dates... He's very insecure that it will put me off him, I'm nervous that he will suddenly decide to go off and sow some wild oats, but even if that happens eventually what we're experiencing now is too good to not give it a chance just on the off chance of things changing later.

It feels like we're both in the same place from different directions, wanting to build our lives back up and really live. Doing it with someone we have so much fun with can only make it better. I so hope this works out because he's just the kindest, most thoughtful man (and he smells delicious, but that's by the by).

He makes so much effort with me, makes me feel special and beautiful, but not in a love-bomby way. He calls when he says he will, makes plans to see me, enters into discussions that are probably far more interesting to me than him (dressmaking anyone?!).

Despite my previous promiscuity we still haven't slept together. That's probably going to change really soon but for now it's exciting and infuriating and more meaningful that we haven't. When we do it'll be the first time I've combined kink with relationship and I am incredibly excited about that.

I've ended all 'benefits' with various friends. Deleted dating apps and told my mum I'm seeing him. It's all a bit real.

Fingers crossed for you, NoMore.

I will say just...keep checking in with people. This all sounds heady and gorgeous and romantic, but you don't really know each other yet. Make sure you have someone you can get reality checks with, so if anything changes you can see it quickly.

Recent personal experience.

Hello, can I get some advice please? New to OLD and have telephoned one chap who is probably not dating material but definitely we could be friends as we have a hobby in common, so that is fine.

Second chap, I think I should have trusted my instincts. He "favourited" me so I did it back. He sent a message saying "what favourited but no message?" It was as blunt as that. I did think how rude but took the time to reply to ask if he was having a bad day? Next message "not now you have replied". Anyway he asked for my phone number and then rang me later. Was only on the phone for 5 minutes and then said he was going to send me some questions. 30 questions later (I did answer them) he then says what are you going to dream about? I went to bed.

Today I have had constant messages and then a "are you free for a chat" so I phoned him. He is pushing me. "I've taken a guess at your measurements XX-XX-XX am I correct?" I said maybe. Now he wants a bloody photo of my desk at work.

Shall I block him on my phone and then send a message via the dating site to tell him he is too full on for me? And then block him there?

I really feel quite panicky and surely a man won't come on THAT strong in their first couple of conversations with you? Or is it just the arrogant ones?

RedDiamond he sounds bonkers, ott and weird! I wouldn't have entertained being asked about my measurements. Yes block on phone, quick message on dating site and block! No normal guy would do those things.

@PerfectPretender
Thanks - I'm being thoroughly grilled by friends and family so don't worry. And I will check in here. I am keeping a watchful eye on the situation as much as I can, but it feels like the cautious cynical bit of me is actually the bit that's all wrong. I'm trying to live in the moment. If it all goes wrong, at least this bit was amazing. And I'll keep doing that and make sure I'm physically safe.

@RedDiamond you owe none of these men anything. You're not obliged to entertain their requests. OLD is full of entitled morons like this man who don't deserve your valuable time or attention.
Block and move on, you don't need to explain yourself to strangers online

Thanks all 😉 pretty gutted atm if I'm absolutely honest even though it was my decision. I think part of that is guilt as much as sadness about it ending. Will definitely miss her though.

Don't know about the 8 month/7 year itch, but I just reached a point where I started seriously thinking about how our future would look together and the doubts that I'd probably ignored for a while all came home to roost.

@nomoreweepingandwanking I totally want you to enjoy the moment. Be swept up. Have a blast. But I struggle to see how this is love. Or that you are ready for love. It's not been long since your marriage ended suddenly and watching you post from afar you are a rollercoaster of emotions. So my advice, fwiw, enjoy the moment. But don't base your life or future on a man you've met 3x who has limited experience of being in a relationship. Bring some cynicism and guardedness with you to protect yourself. A break up after a marriage can be extremely painful. Many of us here have been through that.

But good luck and have fun.

ant sorry to hear that. I had assumed you and Miss H were long term. I hope she is ok? Was she expecting it?

OMG I have just looked up what "branch of a tree" is because he asked me if I was into it and I did not understand the question.

I AM BLOCKING, BLOCKING, BLOCKING!!!!!

UncorrectedDormat,regarding DC with additional needs, I think a few of us are in this situation.

I'm not sure I would be helpful with a PM as I'm not dating at the mo and if/ when I do,I'm going to be keeping son out of it for a long time. Poor kid has met two men I dated in the last five years ( one for a year and the other 5mnths) and got on well with both,but like any child it isnt fair on them when a relationship breaks down. Not sure what the answer is. If a relationship is to go forward after say 3/6 months then ofcourse paths are going to cross.
Never had a problem with any irons not understanding my situation regarding his aspergers. Infact, it doesnt seem to worry the men I have dates with. Except my second husband who I was married to for the lengthy time of 15mnths(??!) Who couldnt cope with a hyper screaming 5yr old and ran off with a Russian ( hmm,he actually flew off to Moscow to meet this woman. So he did find taking son on plus my older two very hard).
The thing I have a prob with is that I have no family near by ( all live up north) and I'm stuck in the school hols,so have to explain to dates I only work school hours. And now and then in the hols when I can get to work at say 7am and home at 11 when son hasn't been up long . I'm sure I must come across lazy.

Sons dad visits every Sunday to see him and makes jokes( to bond apparently) but son does not get jokes at all. His dad just doesnt have the empathy and understanding