Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@CMalarkey, I would try to hold off messaging and see if he makes contact. If he does and wants to meet, and you are free, then meet him. No point getting too heavy about stuff too soon because it could be counter productive. But sadly, if he's not in touch, then you have your answer, at least for today. And if he is going to be a bit flaky about making arrangements then he may not be the one for you. I am not someone that deals well with the waiting and wondering.

I would message him, follow up that comment, and then drop him if he doesn't reply or gives you the run around. At least you'll know for sure.

Hah, totally opposite advice. 😁

I'd definitely message today him if I'd received a message like that last night. Maybe just ask if he slept well and where does he want to meet. Or if you've got somewhere in mind then suggest it. Don't play games, just be direct.

@cmalarky think you're over thinking! He asked for a date two days ago, his last message is good. And was last night! It's not even lunchtime...

@perfectpretender, I missed the verbatim of his message ! I think it sounds a pretty positive message @CMalarkey. Nothing in there to suggest he's not interested in meeting today. Just be prepared for a potential wait while he replies, or he might surprise you and get right back with suggestions about tonight

Yeah I would just ask him outright and say you need to make plans

@CMalarkey He did go to kiss you and he went out on a date with you, so don't be down on yourself about your attractiveness. I think he's probably gone about kissing you the wrong way, he's 'put it on you' to borrow from Love Island speak, and surprised you. The instinctive cheek turn is something I've done before now and it's usually because I was unsure and it's stopped further dates in their tracks. I think this may be a case of where you need to have dated more to realise the different kinds of behaviours that come up and also to rediscover that side of yourself.

@iamthrough Not sure it's perfectly normal behaviour - seems like he's keeping options open. I'm well aware of multi-dating happening so when someone offers me a choice of evenings to meet, I can see they making me a priority and that's flattering. He may not be that astute or experienced at dating or have other constraints that he hasn't resolved yet. You would think he would be communicating about those blocking issues if they exist.

@TheCatWithTheHat I went on more dates post breakup than I went on in the whole of the year before the breakup. I gave myself maybe two months before starting again but it wasn't enough time and none of the dates really stuck. They were all good company and I hope I was too. Miss Outing seems to have stuck though Meeting for dinner again later.

Mr Muddle got up this morning and filed for divorce 😳.

I don’t think he feels that comfortable still being married and wants to move on. Since he got back from his lads trip he has booked a half marathon, sorted out a load of stuff with work and moved into his own flat yesterday.

I think he’s on this whole taking control of your life instead of wallowing in it thing. I hope it isn’t for my benefit just his own! He was talking really positively about the changes he had seen in himself since he started CBT and his friends saying he was so much more positive. I think we are similar in that when things are going to shit we hide away and internally try to cope with them (badly).

I need to just stop thinking about all this too much now as I will become too entangled so I would like you all to put me on a 2 day Mr Muddle ban 😛

@HairyArsedMan

You are right, first date kiss is always a risky move but it doesn’t mean someone would go off you and if they did they are shallow AF! I rarely kiss on first date as I am always sober and well behaved 😂

If anyone feels they are having to put in all the work with an iron then pull back and let them message you. I think some people are lazy and can end up enjoying the other person doing all the running to them.

@menora I think it will be for his own benefit but meeting someone does give you a little boost and spur you on. I did the same as him and filed for divorce and got other things moving when I met someone because it made me feel better about myself generally

Thanks Jane
I said to him it is ok to be sad about it he said he isn’t sad, it just feels weird as it was all such a waste. They only got married 2 years ago then she had their 2nd baby and checked out. I think he feels frustrated about never really knowing why it happened (and then she confessed to cheating on him)

That sounds positive if rather stressful for him menora, but where does all that change and upheaval leave you? Are you not in danger of being a supportive secondary character in someone else’s drama again? Will your needs be of equal importance?

Lots of stuff to catch up on! I think I’ve said before I’ve made a promise to myself if I’m dating I’m keeping up with this thread!
@Menora great update, sounds like mr muddle is getting his act together as you say don’t over invest, the drinking could be a one off now his actions will tell.
@bangheadhere40 I’m liking the moving forward attitude it’s sounding healthy, I get it’s hard, mr straights message really was crap, hope you can see that and keep going.

Second date with mr scenery this evening, cinema! Very nervous, more so than date one as presumably a second date says he’s interested! He’s rubbish in messaging, he’s kept in touch all week, but just a “hi, how’s your day” I tried to pull him out a bit more one evening but while he answered he didn’t ask any questions, move the chat along, if he hadn’t been so chatty in person I’d have moved on, it’s like texting a different person!

I think I’ve another iron, I’m going to call him mr hot as he’s absolutely stunning, I’m being very shallow here! I like him a lot, he’s very chatty in texts, a couple of amber flags but I’m aware I’m looking really hard as I he’s so good looking it’s bringing up a lot of insecurities! I’m giving him a window, and we need to meet in that time or I’m moving on, to see if he’s who he says he is as he seems way to good to be true! Rules 3, 4 and 7 are going to be mantra here!

@TigerDater

That’s the concern. He doesn’t lean on me heavily for support or anything, well not so far. He just sent me a screenshot of the application with no words and I had to ask if he was ok about it. When we talk a lot it is often not about feelings it’s about stuff, life. Last night we talked for about an hour about politics. The one question he asked me last night which is really the deepest place we have gone is after sex he asked me how many times I had been in love before

@stuckinarut, thanks, definitely feeling much more healthy. He sent me a joke message on email today! I have just ignored it....if nothing of substance to say he's getting nothing out of me.

Good luck with Mr Scenery tonight, hope it goes well, some people are just crap at messaging.

Been chatting to a few irons, but convo dries up! I'm going to make other plans for Friday, not waiting around for Mr Grandad to get back in touch, will give him until the end of this evening.

Issue I am having is that all irons live miles away, so that will obviously put them off me, there must be an iron who doesn't mind the distance, somewhere, I can wish!

@CMalarkey He asked you for this date right? You set aside time at his request yes? Me? I'd make other plans if he's not in touch by say 3. To me, someone who invited you out, says to chat plans tomorrow and then goes off to bed - onus is on them. You've reserved time for his request, if he can't follow it up himself with enough time - his problem

And yes i've done this. I know other people will say this seems ridiculous - why not just text to confirm. Personally if they're going to bail i'd rather not initiate contact to hear bollocks flakery reasons. If they are going to go to the date and don't firm up time and place ahead - then you've already set your stall out without chasing/hassling. Don't plan? Doesn't happen

^I'm partly saying this because you said you feel you do a lot of the initiating already. IF a date and time had been firmed up and he did plenty of initiating i'd be less inclined to say don't bother to confirm it

@cmalarkey I'd just send a quick message asking if he was still on for tonight.

I'm not really looking forward to spending the weekend on my own. spent the last 8 or so with mr builder. Dd is at her dads and i dont go out often with friends, cant arrange anything as we just had a night out last week. have said I'll call an old iron (mr rugby) later about possibly arranging something. will see how that call goes. I think he wants more FB. not sure if I want that, may suit me this weekend tho 🙈 other iron (mr house) wants to meet but busy this weekend and skint this month.

no action on the apps 😕

@CMalarkey I hate to add to the conflicting advice but I don’t think now is the time to go no contact when you say you’ve established a pattern of contacting him first. I think his message last night was quite sweet and he now might be wondering what he’s done wrong thinking you don’t like him. It feels to me like you’ve changed the game without telling him. I had lots of issues with Mr R and messages and I have learnt to just talk to him now. So if you like him I would get this date over and then try to establish new patterns where you don’t always text him first.

@cmalarkey - hope your iron does follow through with contact today - I think it's pretty normal to say of an evening I'm tired need to crash - but i'd say onus is on him to contact you today. Annoying isn't it - when all you want to do is make plans - do guys not realise the effort that goes into preparing for a date?? LOL
Thanks @HairyArsedMan - I had thought of the multi dating thing - but I have a feeling he isn't doing that - although of course I can't be sure at this point. I think maybe he's just quite hesitant (due to his relationship past maybe) So I've decided to chill about it - and if he wants to meet me h'e come through with specifics. I can't meet until next Monday at the earliest anyway -which he knows. So he may just be waiting until the weekend to confirm??
@Menora I think I'd be a bit wary of a guy going through all those major life changes at once? I'm sure you are but I'd say be careful about getting too emotionally involved with a guy in that situation.

It’s ok I’m massively wary 😂
I’m an avoidant type so it is not usually me who gets hurt. I tend to end things (after flip flopping about what to do obvs) He’s more vulnerable than I am but those might be words I would need to eat

I've missed at least an entire thread I think so lots of catching up to do!
Kind of avoided posting whilst I tried to understand how I was feeling, but after 8 months I am now single again after ending it with MissH
A few doubts had started to niggle at me and whilst I was still having fun I couldn't see it working long term (wondering if that's more about me than her but who knows).
Tough conversation to have but it's definitely over. Time to get used to single life again, although I know I'll be fine with that. Not planning to throw myself back in to OLD again for a while, think I need a bit of time to get over this one as I know I'll miss her. Just hoping I don't live to regret it 🙄
I shall attempt to do some catching up, but hope things are going well for you all!

Well I took@StealthNinjaMum advice and messaged him .
It was 50/50 from you guys so I caved lol. I said hi and asked him tongue in cheek if he had any plans later?
He answered straight away with an apology for not messaging and said he did have plans, he had a hot date.
With a smiley face.

I felt stupidly better but then thought imagine if he doesn't mean me !!

@Ant330 sorry to hear that, you seemed like you were both happy with things. Is it over over?

@CMalarkey yay, glad it's still on!!!