Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Glad you had a good night @menora I would just caution you were concerned over his behaviour, not just his drunkenness, and advise you move slowly. Get to know who is he is and how you feel about him before you take on his feelings. Hope that's ok.

There’s a man I matched with on tinder, chatted, but I unmatched as he said something I didn’t feel comfortable with (he has a child who he never sees, he didn’t really care), but he keeps popping up on my matches. I thought when I’d unmatched I wouldn’t see him? It’s not an issue, I obviously just swipe left, but i wondered if this was the norm to see someone again after unmatching?

Agree with pps about no pics, I get that some people are a bit embarrassed but it's just part of that first bit of OLD and you just have to do it, I think it's always a big red flag.

I say go for 10 years younger, at 42 he's hardly a child! He's probably at a similar stage in terms of family expectations etc and I definitely don't think there's any harm in seeing where it goes. Unless it makes you feel really uncomfortable for some reason in which case go with your gut

@Marlboroandmalbec34, yes, I think I will just be honest about needing the house to myself. I have been cautious previously as I didn't want to set the wrong (?) example to my DDs, younger one is only 15 , about what I consider to be acceptable moral behaviour. And Mr Van has not even been off the scene 2 weeks so don't want them thinking it's okay to bring new/multiple people back. I know I am somewhat old fashioned but I want the girls to have a good moral compass.
Tinder/OLD is time consuming. Already getting messages about why aren't I chatting etc. Probably best to cut and run with some of them.
I too struggle with the younger guy thing. Had a few liaisons with guys 10+ years younger than me and for the most part they have been nicer and more thoughtful than the guys in their 50s. But I don't think I would expect anything long term with someone younger.
And despite my best efforts, Mr Van still in my thoughts. We were having such a lovely time. His lack of contact, even to explain properly his absence is what has hurt and confused me the most. I guess time will tell if I ever get to hear from him again. thankfully the churning knot in my stomach has gone. But it's horrible while it's happening.

Well my second EVER date is supposed to be happening this evening but I've a feeling he is going to blow me out?

We've been messaging in the evenings but I always feel like I instigate it. Then last night he went to bed early and said we'd make the plans for tonight today.

I'm the one that usually instigates the morning messages too but I just feel like not doing it today to see what happens?
I don't want to play games but I don't want to be the one doing the chasing either it makes me feel rubbish.
I want to feel wanted! Is that ok ?
Am I doing this right lol ?
Is it normal to message all day every day or am I expecting too much ?
This is my first ever dating experience guys so please be gentle lol

Oh my second date with the same guy just to be clear. The one that tried to kiss me and I turned my head away

shitwithsugaron that's what I think about the age difference. I was surprised how much my friends are against it.
I'll meet him and see what he's like in person.

Good to hear things are going so well for you with Mr List

Onesmallstep67 I've also got a 15yr old at home. I don't tell her I'm going on dates, just that I'm meeting friends.
I've only introduced her to a couple of men that I've dated. And that was after I'd known them for a while. But I just said they were a friend who'd come round for a chat and just happened to still be there in the morning

@CMalarkey have you arranged a time and place for your date tonight?
If yes then I'd assume it was on.
But if you haven't made any definite plans then I wouldn't bother to message him today.
If he wants to see you then he should make some effort

@CMalarkey That is the awful thing about OLD, they just vanish - it's in the rules, and it's not your fault! I would leave it to him now. I haven't received a reply from my Friday date, so I can only take it that is is off! It's so time consuming, especially when you have children to sort, just to be blown off!

@Notcoolmum I have deleted the chats yes, but he is on various platforms with me, and has my email, linkedin etc, pof. I am not going to inititate contact though, so I feel fine at the moment having him still there.

I have got chatting to a new iron this morning, something in his pic has put me off ( but I am probably judging), he writes very nicely so will see how it pans out.

I also normally go for older men, always have, and tend to discount the younger ones, maybe I shouldn't.

Re the no pic guy, he sent me the pic and a link to his work ( he is a gp and didn't want patients seeing him). He wasn't my type at all though, so I have had to stop the chat, but seemed a genuine reason this time.

I see it that everyone is an individual and their age shouldn’t define them. All the men I’ve dated have been between 50 and 59 and some (not all, certainly!) have been quirky, lively, intelligent, unselfish and kind. The one who has stuck is 7 years younger than me and matches me in work/life balance and stamina 😂. Not sure i would go for the full 10 years younger just because they are likely to have teens and I’ve been through those dramas, don’t want them again! But I certainly wouldn’t assume a shag was all they were after, unless that’s what they stated.

No we haven't arranged a place or time. Hes been online too ( bloody WhatsApp).
Last nights brief message was about him being tired so he was off to bed and we will sort the details today.
I feel even worse if he's blown me off after a date. That means he didnt find me attractive and honestly my self esteem is already rubbish.

Better toughen up if I'm doing OLD I guess

Hi All, I'm not a regular poster on here - but regular reader and I've just tried to catch up on the last few pages.
I've had now 2 dates with Mr Mechanic - he seemed terribly shy initially - but now he's started to get a little suggestive in messages and I like that - just enough to let me know he's interested - but not too much that its rude. It sounds like he's had a tumultuous time in his past relationships so I'm not expecting anything to happen quickly with him - not a bad thing. One thing that is annoying me is that he says he would like to come over to mine but will not confirm a day - I've told him what evenings i'm free - but I still have no idea what day he's planning on coming over - irritating - would this be a deal breaker for any of you?? Any guys on here that can tell me this is perfectly normal behaviour and not to worry about it?
Also picking up on just 2 comments I've just read. @saltysally - how did you get on with the epilator - I'm considering it - I've spend more on hair removal creams in the last 8 months than the previous 8 years - and the results never last long - but an epilator kind of terrifies me!!
@CMalarkey Welcome to the thread - your story sounds so similar to mine - married for 20 years to the first guy I was with - no dating experience and I dived in with 2 feet last summer. Its been a roller coaster ever since!!

@iamthrough no that is no good, it's just wishy washy isn't it.....I think guys generally think less about firming up plans, but I wouldn't be pleased...you could ask him, but then it would be nicer if he sorted it.

@CMalarkey completely understand, it really effects your self confidence, and what is wrong with you. I think the whole thing is bloody awful! It's not you though, it's them....and most are too cowardly to say if they aren't feeling it. The 2 guys I wasn't into I sent a text letting them know, and I would rather have the same done to me, much politer.

I do feel bad vanishing once an iron once I may have given them some signals I am into them. But often I don’t really know what to say - sorry I am shagging someone else, want to hang around and see if it works out? Or lie and say I’m not that into you when I haven’t given it a chance? I imagine men don’t know what to say either - but it is hedging bets if they keep replying to you because it’s keeping options open

Mr Muddle is 6 years younger than me and I had started looking younger and a lot of younger men were swiping on me I was surprised

Part of me knows I am probably being an idiot and the other part just wants to lick his face

I used to epilate it was very addictive I enjoyed it!

I think it's fine to ignore an iron if you have just exchanged a few messages....but if you have actually been on a date and arranged another ( potentially) it's then rude to vanish!

Yes after a date it’s really very rude and gives off a bad signal it is mean

I once had someone ask me for a second date and then promptly ghosted me. 🙄

Well he saw each other Sunday, he asked me for a second date on Monday evening but our messages have definitely been dropping off
Then last night I got the tired brush off, and now nothing.
I'm a bit gutted.
I liked him

@CMalarkey was it tonight you are meant to see him?

Yea it is
I mean he could be busy at work, but we message on and off usually and I normally say morning etc but today I thought I'd see what happens.
And its nothing lol !!!

@CMalarkey that's really rude! I think it just shows how cowardly they are, I have been ghosted in the past years ago, after a lot of dates and future ones planned, and then poof, gone! It really messes with your head.

His exact last message was"
I have to go to bed, I’m knackered and snoozing on the couch. Let’s work out tomorrow what we’re doing tomorrow night. Hope you’re ok. Night night xx

Am I over thinking?

@onesmallstep67
My dd20 has got very adept at making herself scarce but it costs me £! I generally go to his now as it's just more relaxing and no chance of being walked in on in the living room . she has moaned I'm never home