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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sleazy H

133 replies

Missrabbit20 · 02/02/2020 22:45

I've been married for 3 years now and have a 2 yo DD. My H is an ogler/sleazebag. He's not been like this in the beginning, he was quite shy and very keen on our relationship, very thoughtful and desperate for us to start a family.

Ever since he got comfortable in our relationship he started ogling women, all the time. Wherever we go, particularly restaurants. Waitresses, women sitting alone in the restaurant, women walking down the street, you name it. It's like me and our DD are not there. I didn't pay much attention at first but it's got worse and now it's all the time, smiles at them, then turns his head (if we are in the street), constantly looking and following the waitreses with his eyes. It's beyond embarrassing and I hate going out with him.

A couple of weeks ago we had a huge argument, I pointed this out to him, I gave him multiple examples and he didn't deny it. He was probably just surprised that I noticed it. He said, it's not something sexual and it's not meant to be disrespectful, it's just a quirk of his. We discussed a few other issues and he promised he'd stop this behaviour.

For quite a few weeks I refused to go out with him, we do very few things as a family, I usually just organise things with my DD during the week and at weekends I send him out with her to the park.

Today, I agreed to go out with him, we ended up in a supermarket on the way home and in the queue a young woman was paying for her shopping. He was staring at her, smiling, then popped out of the queue and continued to do so. When she left he turned his head after her. Then in the afternoon we went for a walk to a nearby park, he was walking ahead of us and a woman passed by us. I could see he 'measured' her, looking up and down and after she passed turned his head. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm a sahm and I haven't worked for 3 years. My financials are not great and my health could be better. What do I do?!! I cannot leave him right now, if I didn't have DD I'd have been gone ages ago. We also planned our first holiday abroad since DD was born and I know he'll ruin it, just like he ruined every other holiday.

He's is alright otherwise, does most of the house work, helps with DD, we have a good lifestyle and there is no abuse, physical or verbal.

But this is killing me and I don't see myself staying with him for the rest of my life. What do I do?!

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 02/02/2020 22:50

I’d get back to work and plan to leave him

beckywiththeshithair20 · 02/02/2020 22:53

Does he not realise how weird and disrespectful he must look to other people? It's bad enough that he's doing this in general but to do it when he's out with his partner and child is just plain odd tbh!

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 02/02/2020 22:58

I honestly don't know whether he realises what he is doing. I am wondering more and more if this is some sort of mental illness, he is a bit odd in general.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 02/02/2020 23:05

Yuck, that gave me the shivers.

Follows them around the room with his eyes and even turning after they've passed him??

No way I would have any respect or sexual desire left for someone like this, it's cringeworthy at best.

Quirk my arse...get yourself back into work and plan your exit ASAP unless you want to spend the rest of your life being shown up by a passive aggressive letch.

frostywindow · 02/02/2020 23:06

It’s very disrespectful. I had an ex like this. He had a shoe fetish and was always ogling women, starting with their shoes and working his way up to their breasts, then back down again. It was humiliating and I dreaded going out with him. My stomach would sink every time I heard heels because I knew what was coming. It eventually destroyed my self-esteem and I couldn’t even look at myself.

You’ve already tried talking to him about it and he clearly doesn’t see an issue with what he’s doing so it’s probably not going to change. Start thinking about a future without him and make a plan. Put money aside, look at going back to work. You’re worth more than this. It’s sad really. Like a dog panting and salivating over a sausage, except the “sausage” is some poor woman being perved at. Don’t settle for this.

Closetbeanmuncher · 02/02/2020 23:08

I am wondering more and more if this is some sort of mental illness

Funny how this 'mental illness' wasn't there when you first met.

Now he thinks you're trapped he doesn't give a shit, and is doing it openly.

Having a mental illness doesn't make you rapey.

LouReidDododo · 02/02/2020 23:09

He KNOWS what he is doing. Stop making excuses for him.

What are you going to do when he starts looking at your daughter like that or her friends?

frostywindow · 02/02/2020 23:11

I honestly don't know whether he realises what he is doing. I am wondering more and more if this is some sort of mental illness, he is a bit odd in general.

Even if he doesn’t realise he’s doing it (and I guarantee you he does), do you really want to be with somebody who ogles and pervs over random women in restaurants, undoubtably making them feel uncomfortable in the process? Also, there is no mental illness that lists this behaviour as a symptom.

LisBethSalander07 · 02/02/2020 23:11

Do the same. Start ogling men and give him a taste of his own medicine.

frostywindow · 02/02/2020 23:13

Do the same. Start ogling men and give him a taste of his own medicine.

Don’t bother playing silly games and sinking to his level. Focus on what you want for your future and what you need to do to get there.

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 02/02/2020 23:17

Thanks everyone, I agree with all your responses. I'm just upset at the moment, I feel my dreams of a happy family have been killed and I'm a bit lost. I've had some health issues lately and I've got lots of doctors appointments in the next few months so I'm not in a position to do anything at the moment.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 02/02/2020 23:20

Ewww, Not an attractive quality in a man, and especially in a husband. I imagine it's a turn off.

Babyg1995 · 02/02/2020 23:22

Horrendous leave him he won't change ever I couldn't put up with that .he has no respect I've had this husband's or partners staring at me while there with there wife's I find it so uncomfortable and think there a absolute Dick's I feel sorry for there wife's .

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 02/02/2020 23:25

The thing is, he is not young at all, you'd be shocked if you knew his age. He was desperate to have a family after his previous relationship broke down after years and years of unsuccessful ivf treatments. After that, he was single for 6 years, unable to keep a relationship for more than a few weeks. Why would anyone like that put his marriage at risk?

When we had the discussion a few weeks ago, I told him I wanted to leave him. He got really upset and sermed shocked, he said he doesn't want a broken relationship, he loves me and all he thinks about is me and DD and how to make us happy.

OP posts:
TimeTravellersHat · 02/02/2020 23:26

In order to labour a point why not get some posters of hot guys (Richard Armitage and Kurt Cobain would be my go to choices) and look at them wistfully in his presence and see how he likes it?

He sounds completely disrespectful and I’d kick him to the kerb as soon as you’ve sorted out a job/independent finances.

frostywindow · 02/02/2020 23:28

Why would anyone like that put his marriage at risk?

At a guess, because he thinks he can have/is entitled to have both? Why was he unable to keep a relationship for more than a few weeks?

Craftycorvid · 02/02/2020 23:32

Sadly, I suspect he was ‘desperate to start a family’ to ‘prove’ his masculinity. He is being rude and disrespectful to you and risking being decked by one of these women or an outraged partner. If he can’t see how insulted you feel, he’s an idiot. No wonder he’s had so many failed relationships.

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 02/02/2020 23:32

@TimeTravellersHat I did give him hypothetical examples of behaviours that I would engage in and asked him how would he feel. Of course, he didn't like it. I told him no woman would ever get away with that kind of behaviour and that I regret not leaving the restaurant several times.

I am starting to accept that he is never going to change. I'm also thinking about the best way to tell him that I don't want him on holiday with me in 2 months time. Flights are booked but I'm getting anxiety attacks thinking that he is coming with us.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 02/02/2020 23:33

LTB

Butterymuffin · 02/02/2020 23:33

Have you pointed out yet that he promised to stop this, but is still doing it and doesn't even show any sign of reining it in?

I would plan to leave, but in the meantime I would call him out on it every time and remind him of how awful it is. So with the supermarket incident, I would elbow him and say 'Stop that, you disgusting pig'. When you send him out without you, say 'you do realise I'm not coming because I know it will be cringeworthy and horrible when you stare at other women?' Don't let him forget that it's his behaviour and his choices that are coming between you.

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 02/02/2020 23:35

He is an idiot. He also tried to gaslight me into thinking that it's all in my head. I told him to drop that card and in the end he admitted.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 02/02/2020 23:36

He does know that he stepping out of queues and turning his head to oogle and drool over women, looking them up and down and “measuring” them. He is demeaning you and these women. You’ve told him how you feel, but he continues his sleazy behavior. He doesn’t care.

It is disturbing to know that DD sees him do this, so it is being normalized for her. I’m sure he has a field day at the park when he takes her there.

TimeTravellersHat · 02/02/2020 23:46

You have nothing to lose. Play him at his own game. Every single time he pulls this crap match it - e.g. smile at some passing guy and comment to your DH how “random guy” has “striking eyes” or suchlike. Rinse and repeat until you can leave him.

Craftycorvid · 02/02/2020 23:59

I’d be severely tempted to wait until the next time and call him out VERY loudly but calmly, ensuring the woman he’s ogling can hear you. As long as you actually feel safe to challenge him that directly.

Savingshoes · 03/02/2020 00:33

Each time he does this, say in a big loud voice "Why are you perving over that poor young woman?! You're old enough to be her dad's dad!! That's disgusting" or something similar.
It's not going to solve the problem but it might help the women feel less on their own, it's unlikely none of them notice.
I would also ask him how he'd feel if someone did the same to your DD in a few years time, not only how he'd feel but also what should DD do in this situation and why.
This would remind him that these are people and not objects to perv over.
Next I would suggest he gets help, counseling etc. This isn't going to just affect you, it's going to affect DD's friend's parents and one day, DD and her friends so regardless of you leaving, he needs to acknowledge his behaviour is revolting and how to manage it.
In the mean time, aim to retrain and walk.

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