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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sleazy H

133 replies

Missrabbit20 · 02/02/2020 22:45

I've been married for 3 years now and have a 2 yo DD. My H is an ogler/sleazebag. He's not been like this in the beginning, he was quite shy and very keen on our relationship, very thoughtful and desperate for us to start a family.

Ever since he got comfortable in our relationship he started ogling women, all the time. Wherever we go, particularly restaurants. Waitresses, women sitting alone in the restaurant, women walking down the street, you name it. It's like me and our DD are not there. I didn't pay much attention at first but it's got worse and now it's all the time, smiles at them, then turns his head (if we are in the street), constantly looking and following the waitreses with his eyes. It's beyond embarrassing and I hate going out with him.

A couple of weeks ago we had a huge argument, I pointed this out to him, I gave him multiple examples and he didn't deny it. He was probably just surprised that I noticed it. He said, it's not something sexual and it's not meant to be disrespectful, it's just a quirk of his. We discussed a few other issues and he promised he'd stop this behaviour.

For quite a few weeks I refused to go out with him, we do very few things as a family, I usually just organise things with my DD during the week and at weekends I send him out with her to the park.

Today, I agreed to go out with him, we ended up in a supermarket on the way home and in the queue a young woman was paying for her shopping. He was staring at her, smiling, then popped out of the queue and continued to do so. When she left he turned his head after her. Then in the afternoon we went for a walk to a nearby park, he was walking ahead of us and a woman passed by us. I could see he 'measured' her, looking up and down and after she passed turned his head. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm a sahm and I haven't worked for 3 years. My financials are not great and my health could be better. What do I do?!! I cannot leave him right now, if I didn't have DD I'd have been gone ages ago. We also planned our first holiday abroad since DD was born and I know he'll ruin it, just like he ruined every other holiday.

He's is alright otherwise, does most of the house work, helps with DD, we have a good lifestyle and there is no abuse, physical or verbal.

But this is killing me and I don't see myself staying with him for the rest of my life. What do I do?!

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/02/2020 15:58

Op, just wanted to say so sorry - this sounds like mental abuse. He must be aware he doing it, especially after you’ve pointed it out - so the fact he’s carrying on is pretty sick really.

Maybe he’s having a mid-life crisis and desperately needing to prove to himself that women still fancy him? Either way, I wouldn’t be able to cope with this either. I’m pretty sure my dh sees other women he finds attractive but he’d never openly ogle them.
I hope you manage to get out.

DearHappy · 03/02/2020 16:19

What were the red flags that you ignored?

BumbleBeee69 · 03/02/2020 16:39

OP go see your Doctor and sort out your own things first... then leave this Cretin. Flowers

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 03/02/2020 22:13

Thanks everyone. It's been a blessing to read all your messages, I feel a little less alone in this. I'm really tired and desperately need some sleep, but I'll answer some of the questions tomorrow.

OP posts:
MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed · 04/02/2020 03:55

Your H reminds me of a guy I used to be acquainted with. I didn't realize at the time because he was much older than I was and I was very young and sheltered at the time but he used to pretend that we were in a relationship to show off to women, some sort of 'if I could get her, I could get you too,' type of thing, as well as showing off to other men. It didn't occur to me that that was what he was doing until someone pointed it out years later.

Every woman he ever came across, even ones he supposedly considered friends, were a collection of body parts he either did or didn't find attractive. He zeroed in especially on women who were vulnerable in some way (newly arrived immigrants, single mothers, underage girls with low self esteem) and didn't give a shit about them or their feelings, just what they could do for him or how they reflected on him. He really just wanted to surround himself with attractive women to make himself seem like a big man.

What was really funny though was that with me around I acted like relationship repellent for him in some way. Shortly after meeting me for the first time any girlfriend he'd managed to find for himself broke up with him sometimes in a matter of hours. And he never had a chance with me because even when I considered him a friend I found him completely physically repulsive.

So you're not the first person who has ended up in this situation and you won't be the last. He's not going to stop, his ego is so wrapped up in this little game that he probably can't see himself any other way. Life is far too short to put up with this.

RogueV · 04/02/2020 04:16

Sorry you are gong through this op, but I can only imagine it’ll get worse if you don’t put a stop to it now

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 04/02/2020 11:36

@DearHappy looking back, there were loads. From pulling strange faces when I wasn't looking to making statements like: wow, wow, she sounds like someone I would enjoy!!...when I was telling him about a single friend of mine. A couple of times I was like: what?! But honestly, I wasn't sure whether I was being weird or this is normal. After a while I knew deep down that things are not right, but couldn't really put my finger on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 04/02/2020 11:37

@MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed yuk, glad you saw through it

OP posts:
Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 04/02/2020 11:57

@frostywindow sorry about it. I completely understand how you felt. We have not been to a restaurant for over 2 months now, but when we did go, I'd feel sick to my stomach if there was a waitress or 2 in there. I knew right away my meal is ruined. Why did I put up with it I don't know.Sad

One of the last few times we went for a meal, it was a really lovely pub with decent food. When we went in we were greeted by a very good looking waitress, the model type. I could see his face change, and right after we sat down he was desperate to go to the toilet (to straighten his hair obviously). Throughout the meal he was turning his head, smiling at her, she wasn't doing anything she shouldn't do, just doing her job, but I could see she noticed he was sleazing at her. Beyond embarrassing. At the end of that meal I lost it and told him off. That was the first time I actually challenged him. He denied everything.

Funny enough, in front of us, there was a table with 3 young good looking guys, I honestly didn't see any one them ogling her. She'd go to their table, talking to them, but not one of them gave her any inappropriate looks. They had wedding rings on and were very polite to her, but that was it. I almost cried.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 04/02/2020 13:06

"call him out VERY loudly but calmly, ensuring the woman he’s ogling can hear you."

absolutely.

This is hugely disrespectful behaviour.

anotherdisaster · 04/02/2020 13:22

OP this is disgusting behaviour. Not only disrespectful to these poor women, but to YOU!
I'm sorry you feel you cannot leave at the moment but I really think this needs to be your plan. Even if he agreed to stop this behaviour, the fact that he even does it at all means he is not a decent person.
I would refuse to go out with him now at all if possible until you are in a position to leave him. You deserve SO much better.

ChristmasFluff · 04/02/2020 13:43

He behaves completely differently to other, normal men, because unlike them, he doesn't view women as people - just as objects for his gratification. He has no respect for women as people in their own right. We only exist for him - for his approval or contempt.

That will include you. As she gets older, it may even include his own daughter.

This is why the 'change' didn't last. He has no respect for you. He doesn't even really love you. How can you have love for someone you have no respect for, and regard as an object?

I couldn't live with a man like that. I don't think any other woman should either.

Flamingnora123 · 04/02/2020 19:43

Would you have the confidence to go up to one of these women when he does it and ask how it makes them feel when a disgusting old man pervs at them, so he can hear it? Or maybe set that up with someone you know and he doesn't. It is disgusting and it will make them feel so uncomfortable and maybe even scared. If he realised how young women view men like him he might be embarrassed into stopping. Prove your point, then leave.

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 04/02/2020 20:43

@Flamingnora123 I was thinking about setting something up, but that would require quite a bit of work :). I don't have much time nor energy to do it. It's ridiculous that I have to even think about stuff like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 04/02/2020 20:52

I agree with you all. I'm just not in the right place right now, I feel like I need to let it sink in and take one day at a time. To be honest even if he stops completely now, the memory of those shitty holidays/restaurant meals/walks in the park will never go away. I cannot undo those things and fall in love with him ever again. The damage is done for good.

The question now is how long can I stay with him, can I put up with this for another few years for sake of my daughter? I'm not sure. I'm heartbroken for her and the dreams I had for her. We live in a quite affluent area with great schools and nice places to hang out, I'd be devastated if we had to leave and live on a tight budget, although I'm quite frugal even now.

OP posts:
Kalifa · 04/02/2020 21:10

Does he pay attention to you otherwise? Do you have a sex life with him? Not that it would change his odd behaviour around other women..
But if you don’t even have intimacy with him than the relationship is a goner for sure. I would be fully prepared to LTB.
Stupid old man, he can be a Casanova when he is dumped.

fuckoffImcounting · 04/02/2020 21:11

So sorry he is doing this OP. I wonder if it is not just sexist, but entirely deliberate emotional and psychological abuse directed at you. It is a most successful way to humiliate a partner to the point of utter despair. He is not shouting at you or abusing you at home, but every time you go out you fear this horrible humiliation. It is not unconscious behaviour after all. Just like all abusers he does it because he likes it and because it gives him power. I hope if you can regard his behaviour in these terms, it will make it easier to manage, in both avoiding those situations, and if they do occur, putting the shame back on him where it belongs. If you can distance yourself emotionally and regard the relationship as over in all but name, you may find you can continue under the same roof until you are well enough to kick his revolting arse out of your life. Good Luck.

Twillow · 04/02/2020 21:16

I don't mean to sound like I blame you because in no way do I, just wondered if it would be effective to point it out every time as he is doing it -
"Stop doing that, please"

And he obviously CAN control it, as he didn't display it to you at the start of the relationship (why not...oh yes, because it's A REALLY VILE HABIT.)

If he chooses not to respect you by continuing (and it's nasty enough on its own but while he's with you, yuck) then you have a hard decision to make.

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 04/02/2020 21:27

@Kalifa I find him repulsive now and we haven't had sex in a while. I find excuses: I'm too tired, period, lower back pain etc and let him have a wank. I cannot even kiss him. But he started this behaviour when our sex life was great, so that didn't help.

He does pay attention to me, buys me flowers, little gifts, but I recently told him not to bother. It makes no difference to me, I'd rather have a decent husband than flowers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 04/02/2020 21:32

@fuckoffImcounting I am starting to think it's deliberate and verging on emotional abuse. I thought I was quite good at spotting passive aggressive people and many times I was wondering if he is one of them. I didn't think he was... but a few recently incidents, even non-sleaze related, made me wonder. I'm starting to think he is a passive aggressive cunt with a big ego that needs constant stroking.

OP posts:
ThatThereWoman · 04/02/2020 21:35

ew. Don't play games with him. Just walk. he's horrible.

of course he can control what he's doing. He's a grown up. repulsive.

WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 04/02/2020 21:40

You are married to a dirty old goat of a man. I am sorry.

Please leave as soon as you are able. Your daughter will grow up seeing that her worth is held in her physical attractiveness and that she should expect to tolerate the attentions of decrepid leering old men. She, you, and every other woman should not be reduced to a collection of orifices, buttocks and mammary glands.

It doesn't have to be like this. You both deserve SO much better.

PurpleTrilby · 04/02/2020 22:10

I bet he 'doesn't mean it' that way. Bullshit, men who do that know EXACTLY what they are doing. They just play the didn't mean it card because normal people will go along with that. Bollocks, they know very well the difference between intent and impact. They hide behind so called intent and pretend they don't know the impact. Cunts.

PurpleTrilby · 04/02/2020 22:12

Impact being making women very uncomfortable, triggering abuse survivors and, again, being a controlling cunt.

PurpleTrilby · 04/02/2020 22:21

Sorry, just caught up, defo get out, living in a less desirable area versus your daughter being raised with a misogynistic, creepy, prick? No contest, surely? Wishing you all the best.