Sleazy H

[Missrabbit20]

I've been married for 3 years now and have a 2 yo DD. My H is an ogler/sleazebag. He's not been like this in the beginning, he was quite shy and very keen on our relationship, very thoughtful and desperate for us to start a family.

Ever since he got comfortable in our relationship he started ogling women, all the time. Wherever we go, particularly restaurants. Waitresses, women sitting alone in the restaurant, women walking down the street, you name it. It's like me and our DD are not there. I didn't pay much attention at first but it's got worse and now it's all the time, smiles at them, then turns his head (if we are in the street), constantly looking and following the waitreses with his eyes. It's beyond embarrassing and I hate going out with him.

A couple of weeks ago we had a huge argument, I pointed this out to him, I gave him multiple examples and he didn't deny it. He was probably just surprised that I noticed it. He said, it's not something sexual and it's not meant to be disrespectful, it's just a quirk of his. We discussed a few other issues and he promised he'd stop this behaviour.

For quite a few weeks I refused to go out with him, we do very few things as a family, I usually just organise things with my DD during the week and at weekends I send him out with her to the park.

Today, I agreed to go out with him, we ended up in a supermarket on the way home and in the queue a young woman was paying for her shopping. He was staring at her, smiling, then popped out of the queue and continued to do so. When she left he turned his head after her. Then in the afternoon we went for a walk to a nearby park, he was walking ahead of us and a woman passed by us. I could see he 'measured' her, looking up and down and after she passed turned his head. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm a sahm and I haven't worked for 3 years. My financials are not great and my health could be better. What do I do?!! I cannot leave him right now, if I didn't have DD I'd have been gone ages ago. We also planned our first holiday abroad since DD was born and I know he'll ruin it, just like he ruined every other holiday.

He's is alright otherwise, does most of the house work, helps with DD, we have a good lifestyle and there is no abuse, physical or verbal.

But this is killing me and I don't see myself staying with him for the rest of my life. What do I do?!

I had a prick of a narcissistic ex husband who used to do this.
He would ogle women while I was with him, comment on their tits and arse.

He broke me down.He was abusive in so many ways. He made me feel like shit on a daily basis and I lost my confidence and self esteem.

I would leave him as soon as you can.

Film him doing it and then play it back to him. Every time.

That is grim and unpleasant. The women he stares at must feel very uncomfortable too. He is gross and has no respect for you.

Start thinking about leaving him and how you can practically do that. He's disrespectful and he knows it, he can control his behaviour but doesn't choose to. Don't let him con you into thinking its involuntary or a mental health issue.

He does it for the same reason loads of men act like arseholes once women become mothers/give up work - because he feels confident you're not going anywhere. They take advantage of us putting our children first.

OP be brave. Find work, even if it's part time to start with. Then start saving so you can ditch this complete wanker.

He does it for the same reason loads of men act like arseholes once women become mothers/give up work - because he feels confident you're not going anywhere. They take advantage of us putting our children first.

I agree

Urghh this would give me the rage. Next time he does it just drop whatever you are doing and walk off/out.

I presume you're going somewhere warm on your holiday? It's going to be embarrassing and creepy, not to mention pervy if he's staring at women in bikinis. Gross and just fucking wrong

@TheReef I honestly don't think I'd go out with him ever again.

I'm planning to see a solicitor soon. Life is too short to spend it with someone who makes me so unhappy. He is a nutcase and, looking back , I had plenty of red flags in the beginning which I ignored.

@TheReef we are going somewhere warmer than UK, not sure it's going to be beach weather as such, but there will be lots of Mediterranean looking young ladies around to sleaze at. Idon't want to put myself through this again.

No definitely don’t go. How embarrassing for you.

Reminds me of a guy I dated once who I didn't like very much - wore me down, did a 'knight in shining armour' act when I was vulnerable, so ended up seeing him. Stared at women walking by always turned his head, even passed comment. I never said a thing, they were all out of his league, as I was really. One night I went to get us a drink at a bar while he sat at the table a distance away. The bar man was unusually flirtatious and friendly so I thought ' hell why not go along with it', bit of banter back and he held my hand for a good while as he gave me the change. Dose of his own medicine for a change. He passed comment, obviously got to him, so they are definitely aware when they do it themselves. When the need for a knight abaited, my need for him did too. I just think it's grim and shows and reflects a general attitude of objectification of women.

Urgh. You have tried talking, he has made no effort and even tried to gaslight you. He thinks you're not going anywhere but I wouldn't be putting up with this any longer. A boyfriend in my younger years did this constantly having learnt it off his awful sleazy dad and it really wrecked my self esteem.

Can you start looking for work ASAP having spoken to a solicitor?

To note, I would mentally prepare myself for being cast to anyone who will listen as a jealous ex but do not let this put you off.

@craftcorvid I suspect he was ‘desperate to start a family’ to ‘prove’ his masculinity I think that's pretty spot on.

He sounds awful, OP. I'm sorry to say, if I was oggled by a man - accompanied by his partner - I'd think he was a twat - and I'd feel abject pity for her. That's what these women are probably thinking.

I would give your husband short shrift but, accompanied by his wife and child, I would temper it for your sake. It's really shit though.

Make plans to leave - you're married, you have a child - get rid of him and let him have his audience taken away from him. You deserve much better than this disrespectful louse.

He clearly sees women merely as objects for his sexual gratification and breeding purposes.

Not a good role model for your DD.

I remember how gross and uncomfortable it felt as a young woman to be ogled by these middle aged saddos.

I can imagine how you feel when you're out with him. I hope you can get rid of this awful sleaze asap.

I would do it back to him HARD!

I know it's tempting to play this game back to him, but honestly I don't normally go down that level. I still want to keep my dignity and treat this as a serious matter not a game to play back to each other.

Most women he ogles probably think he is an weirdo and an idiot (the woman walking down the street yesterday that he looked up and down and turned his head after wasn't impressed, he was ogling her whilst pushing the empty pram, whilst I was behind him with my daughter), but a few months ago something happened that I honestly can't get my head around.

I went to a class with my DD in an area we've never been to before. During that time he went for a walk and checked out a few shops and restaurants for us to go to on a different day. We met afterwards and he started raving about this 'very nice' Lebanese restaurant. I said ok, let's go there sometime. We went there right the next day. There was a waiter who was very professional, took our order and served us out starters. As we were finishing our starters a waitress came through the door and looked straight at H and gave him a huge smile, as if they knew each other. She took over the serving. Long story short, this waitress spent the whole time we were in that restaurant coming over, smiling at him, asking him every 2 mins (literally) if everything is alright, does he want anything else, completely ignoring me or DD. She would 'cat-walk' around the restaurant coming back to our table and giving him a smile, literally behaving like a stripper. If I said something to her, she would answer looking at him. Really really weird. Ruined my whole meal. There were plenty of other men in the restaurant that she didn't behave like that towards, so my guess is they've had some exchange the day before and she probably thought he came back to see her? I will never know. When we left we forgot a little toy so she ran outside in the freezing cold just in her see- through blouse to bring us the toy, and she didn't even look at DD or me, she gave the toy to him. I will never know what happened there, as during the meal I didn't see him sleezing at her.

Oh love, you deserve so much better than this, it does sound like you’re very strong and do realise this though.

Do you have support? Family and friends nearby? What are your options for getting back to work and childcare for your DD?

What’s his work situation?

He sounds like an absolute creep, you’ll be well rid.

How awful OP he sounds like a right creep and it's making my skin crawl just reading about him. Do you really need to stick it out longer because of health reasons? Why would that make a difference? Sounds like you need to tell him it's over as soon as you can, it can't be doing anything good for your mental health. Get thinking of a plan and I hope you have some support in real life

He did return to see her and she was hoping he would. It was obvious that he had already established a connection with her. He used you and DD to go get his ego stroked. You really need to leave this sleaze.

@DowntonCrabby unfortunately I don't have much support around. My mum lives abroad and she doesn't speak of word of English. No other family here.

My friends don't know what I'm going through, most of them are single in their 30ies and early/mid 40ies, they travel a lot and go to pubs/clubs, not my kind of fun right now. They also think I'm living a fairy tale and I don't worry about money or work, I live in a nice house and have a great husband. I have no one to share these things with in real life, someone that would understand and give me valuable advice and support.

If there's a very attractive woman I sometimes see my husband give her a quick glance - which is fine, I do too! But he never ogles, follows them with his eyes or watches them walk away. I wouldn't leer after men either. As you know it's not acceptable.

@wobblywinelover like I said above I have no support around. I've had some physical health issues since 2017 and I'm having a lot of appointments booked over the next few months. If something should happen to me, I would struggle to look after DD. It's her that's keeping me tied to him, otherwise I'd have been gone a long time ago, health issues or not.

You may need to bide your time to sort out your health and find some work, but you don't have to go anywhere with this man if he is a risk of behaving like this. If you are out with him and he does it, just tell him he is disgusting and leave him to it and take DD away. This is very strange behaviour in this day and age. It is also quite conscious behaviour I would think. Most men understand that they can't stare at women's breasts and they don't. I wonder if he gets some pleasure out of the implied insult to you. I would refuse the holiday with him - you will hate every minute of that behaviour and also hate him.

Next time give him a sharp nudge and say what are you staring at.
Yuk I hate that type of behaviour