Sleazy H

[Missrabbit20]

I've been married for 3 years now and have a 2 yo DD. My H is an ogler/sleazebag. He's not been like this in the beginning, he was quite shy and very keen on our relationship, very thoughtful and desperate for us to start a family.

Ever since he got comfortable in our relationship he started ogling women, all the time. Wherever we go, particularly restaurants. Waitresses, women sitting alone in the restaurant, women walking down the street, you name it. It's like me and our DD are not there. I didn't pay much attention at first but it's got worse and now it's all the time, smiles at them, then turns his head (if we are in the street), constantly looking and following the waitreses with his eyes. It's beyond embarrassing and I hate going out with him.

A couple of weeks ago we had a huge argument, I pointed this out to him, I gave him multiple examples and he didn't deny it. He was probably just surprised that I noticed it. He said, it's not something sexual and it's not meant to be disrespectful, it's just a quirk of his. We discussed a few other issues and he promised he'd stop this behaviour.

For quite a few weeks I refused to go out with him, we do very few things as a family, I usually just organise things with my DD during the week and at weekends I send him out with her to the park.

Today, I agreed to go out with him, we ended up in a supermarket on the way home and in the queue a young woman was paying for her shopping. He was staring at her, smiling, then popped out of the queue and continued to do so. When she left he turned his head after her. Then in the afternoon we went for a walk to a nearby park, he was walking ahead of us and a woman passed by us. I could see he 'measured' her, looking up and down and after she passed turned his head. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm a sahm and I haven't worked for 3 years. My financials are not great and my health could be better. What do I do?!! I cannot leave him right now, if I didn't have DD I'd have been gone ages ago. We also planned our first holiday abroad since DD was born and I know he'll ruin it, just like he ruined every other holiday.

He's is alright otherwise, does most of the house work, helps with DD, we have a good lifestyle and there is no abuse, physical or verbal.

But this is killing me and I don't see myself staying with him for the rest of my life. What do I do?!

His ability to behave in front of his relatives tells you that he is doing it to you and DD alone. This is abuse, pure and simple, and particularly cruel.

@ScreamingLadySutch that's very good practical advice. I've already taken some cash, and will carry on doing that whenever I can.

I'm planning to see a solicitor next week. Everything we have is in his name, so I don't think I will be getting much if we do split and even though we have a good lifestyle he's not a millionaire and we don't live in a mansion.

I’m excited for you @Missrabbit20. My ex tried to convince me I was jealous and unreasonable, and that everybody did it. I was so worn down I started to believe him, and to my shame even tried dressing like the women he ogled. Twat. You sound so strong. Please keep us updated.

You are married, so everything is joint, regardless of whose name its in, and with children you should get more than 50%. Also a share of his pension, etc

I would echo PP and next time he does it i would say really loudly that's really disprectful stop looking at that woman like that.

Definitely plan to leave him. Whether he has good qualities isn't relevant. You have said you can't live with this behaviour.

I wouldn’t bother trying to call him out on it, it’s too much hassle and will lead to an argument which you don’t need. Conserve your energy.

It doesn’t necessarily matter if things are technically “in his name” OP, as you are married. This is why a good solicitor’s advice is SO important.

Just saw cat maiden made a similar point.

You have got some good advice about this man. He basically has no respect for women and sees them as a piece of meat for his pleasure. He is a bit of a sad case really, as decent men do not do this overtly. Mature women would see him as a Sid James character from a long gone age of misogyny. You need to challenge him each and every time you catch him doing it, and say loudly that he needs to stop being a sad case. I had a man following me around and staring obviously. It got very scary and I am not easily spooked. I worried so much about him that I moved house eventually! I feel sorry for the women he stares at, as they must feel preyed upon and that is not a nice feeling at all to feel physically or sexually threatened. You are legally entitled to his capital by marriage, and you will not change him or his attitudes to women. Run, get a job, get childcare and find your independence from the sex pest.

What a creep!! Glad you’ve finally seen through his nonsense.

Start gathering evidence of finances and divorce the loser.

Thanks everyone, I re read your messages from time to time to remind myself this is beyond acceptable, whenever I'm tempted to even think about another chance.

In terms of evidence of finance, I have copies of 2 of his back statements, he's got large savings. But the largest one, which is a different bank and I know approx the amount (it's a 6 figure one), I haven't seen the statements in a while. I guess it's a paperless one. Do I need proof of that? I know the bank name. Not sure how I'd get proof of that.

I meant beyond unacceptable

As part of a divorce you can insist on getting copies if statements. But if he's moved monies before this is requested it'll come up with nothing. If it gets to court you can partition him to supply all accounts

See if you can find an old statement for it.

I’ve known men like this, we all have. Sorry OP I’d be getting my shit together to get myself and my DD out.

Sorry I posted too soon. You remind me so much of my friend. 15 years wasted on a man just like this. Sadly it was too late for her. Please, give yourself the chance of happiness with someone else.

closetbeanmuncher
Funny how this 'mental illness' wasn't there when you first met.

Now he thinks you're trapped he doesn't give a shit, and is doing it openly.

Having a mental illness doesn't make you rapey.

^THIS^!!!

I've called a solicitor and they are offering me 1 hour free consultation first. I just need to fill in a form and do the booking. Not sure I'll manage that next week as he's taken some time off, which I'm dreading. Dreading the weekend too

This week I've avoided him as much as I could, I'm not texting him during the day, which I used to do a lot and he obviously feels I'm up to something. Keeps calling me during the days to ask me if I'm ok. Also every time we have an issue, he gets 'sick', can't sleep and I used to fall for that. This week he seems to have chills and is unwell again, but I honestly think it's all theatrics. As if a veil has been lifted and I can see the full shit.

I looked in the mirror today and just didn't recognise myself. I look awful, being consumed by this crap every day and not resting properly.

Ohh how cringeworthy and mortifyingly repulsive. He's looking and thinking "I would" or whatever to himself as if these other women would actually touch him with a barge pole ... and far are more than likely thinking he's crude and utterly revolting.

Unfortunately you did touch him with a barge pole, but should not tolerate this anymore. It matters not whether he has some mental thing that makes him compulsively do it or whether he is just a complete prat. You dont have to live with it. I suggest begin planning your exit strategy.

While doing that you could get something like a personal alarm or equally a puppy trainer that lets off a puff of air ... and everytime he does it press the alarm. You can always smile sweetly to other people around and say it went off by accident.

Fucking gross. I'd tell him he has to stop being a dirty lech or you'll leave him.

Obviously from time to time you will catch your partner trying to have a sneaky glance at an attractive woman, I've caught my partner doing this and when he knows he's been caught he looks embarrassed.
Sometimes I see a very attractive woman walk past and I cant help but giggle at my partner trying his best to keep his eyes forward.

Your situation sounds completely different. Like seriously creepy. You have told him it hurts you and he just doesn't care!!!. Madness. How uncomfortable the women feel when he is doing this to them. I agree with one of the other post I would say very loudly "WILL YOU STOP PERVING ON THAT POOR WOMAN" and see how embarrassed he is then

I am a first time mum and at the minute off work, I know how this knocks your confidence. You feel like you've lost your identity. I feel everyone just sees me as mum. So for him to do this to you is very disrespectful. You deserve to find someone that appreciates you.

What's sad is that he has a daughter and he thinks this is ok to do to women.
You dont need to be disrespected this way.
People will judge him as the pervert and you and the sad sap. You dont need anyones pity.
He knows exactly when to do it.
I bet he doesnt try it if the woman is with her husband or men around her?

I'd go further I'm afraid.

Through my work I see men who say they cant help looking, they can't help touching etc. They were once free members of society too.

In this context, 'I'm desperate for a baby' sounds quite different.

Are you planning to split up this weekend? Will he know something is up and press the point? Any option to have a packed bag stashed and make a getaway once you've told him?

I think hiding assets is illegal within divorce?

@Brazi103 he is usually intimidated if a woman is with her husband/boyfriend, but I did notice him ogling if the partner goes to the loo for instance. He's a nutcase.