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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sleazy H

133 replies

Missrabbit20 · 02/02/2020 22:45

I've been married for 3 years now and have a 2 yo DD. My H is an ogler/sleazebag. He's not been like this in the beginning, he was quite shy and very keen on our relationship, very thoughtful and desperate for us to start a family.

Ever since he got comfortable in our relationship he started ogling women, all the time. Wherever we go, particularly restaurants. Waitresses, women sitting alone in the restaurant, women walking down the street, you name it. It's like me and our DD are not there. I didn't pay much attention at first but it's got worse and now it's all the time, smiles at them, then turns his head (if we are in the street), constantly looking and following the waitreses with his eyes. It's beyond embarrassing and I hate going out with him.

A couple of weeks ago we had a huge argument, I pointed this out to him, I gave him multiple examples and he didn't deny it. He was probably just surprised that I noticed it. He said, it's not something sexual and it's not meant to be disrespectful, it's just a quirk of his. We discussed a few other issues and he promised he'd stop this behaviour.

For quite a few weeks I refused to go out with him, we do very few things as a family, I usually just organise things with my DD during the week and at weekends I send him out with her to the park.

Today, I agreed to go out with him, we ended up in a supermarket on the way home and in the queue a young woman was paying for her shopping. He was staring at her, smiling, then popped out of the queue and continued to do so. When she left he turned his head after her. Then in the afternoon we went for a walk to a nearby park, he was walking ahead of us and a woman passed by us. I could see he 'measured' her, looking up and down and after she passed turned his head. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm a sahm and I haven't worked for 3 years. My financials are not great and my health could be better. What do I do?!! I cannot leave him right now, if I didn't have DD I'd have been gone ages ago. We also planned our first holiday abroad since DD was born and I know he'll ruin it, just like he ruined every other holiday.

He's is alright otherwise, does most of the house work, helps with DD, we have a good lifestyle and there is no abuse, physical or verbal.

But this is killing me and I don't see myself staying with him for the rest of my life. What do I do?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 04/02/2020 22:22

We went to visit his sister and brother in law in the summer and one day went to a pub for lunch. There were a few waitresses in there, one in particular was a bit ..not sure what's the right word..a bit too friendly. Low cut top, short skirt etc. his kind of sleaze material. My heart sunk, I was thinking oh God, here we go. But he has kept his head low the whole time, didn't measure her or follower her with his eyes around the room, because he was there with his relatives, who are very decent people and I love them. That was an eye opener for me, that he only does it when he is with us.

OP posts:
norealshepherds · 04/02/2020 22:26

He sounds awful! I’d definitely leave

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/02/2020 23:08

I'm starting to think he is a passive aggressive cunt with a big ego that needs constant stroking

Yeah I think that's about the top and tail of it OP, I'm really not surprised you can't bring yourself to have sex with him.

Can I ask how old he is?

Every woman he ever came across, even ones he supposedly considered friends, were a collection of body parts he either did or didn't find attractive

I've come across a few of these @MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed
the most notable being of pensioner age - Clueless and deluded doesn't even begin to cover it 😂

SandyY2K · 04/02/2020 23:13

he only does it when he is with us.

Says it all.

No wonder you find him repulsive.

Just stop going out with him while your health recovers and you make plans to leave him.

He's killed the love. He'll end up all alone in life...a lonely dirty old man.

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 05/02/2020 10:36

@Closetbeanmuncher he is 53 Confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 05/02/2020 10:37

@Closetbeanmuncher doesn't look it, but that's still a deluded old sleazebag

OP posts:
everydaypilates · 05/02/2020 10:41

A lot of men lack self awareness when it comes to this. These women know that they're ogling and people around can see it too. I've seen men eyeing up girls in their school uniforms and it happened to me too.

They're predators. Your husband is a predator. Please leave him.

everydaypilates · 05/02/2020 10:43

He's 53?

I can guarantee you all those young women who notice his stares are creeped out.

Interestedwoman · 05/02/2020 10:57

I didn't think he was... but a few recently incidents, even non-sleaze related, made me wonder. I'm starting to think he is a passive aggressive cunt with a big ego that needs constant stroking.

Sad What else does he do?

Riv12345 · 05/02/2020 12:38

I would give him something to think about!
Why dnt you start going out with a friend let him think men are looking at you.
Yes I would definitely give him something to think about.
Make him realise what he's got! All the best op Thanks

Whizzy4567 · 05/02/2020 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 05/02/2020 13:57

@Whizzy4567 sorry, I think you are on the wrong thread

OP posts:
LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 14:03

Wtf whizzy

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 05/02/2020 14:14

@Riv12345 he knows exactly what he's got. I'm not bad looking at all, I'm naturally slim, I'm a bloody good cook, I have morals and I'm down to earth. I never lacked male attention, even now. But I honestly don't care about it.
I don't spend much time or money on myself now unfortunately, but that will be remedied when DD goes to nursery/school. Deep down I'm thinking my time will come and I'll start going out and have fun again. This misery won't last forever.

He just thinks I'm very vulnerable and i can't really leave him without being disadvantaged. He knows everything I want to do for my daughter, so he probably thinks I'll put up with anything. Last time we had a row he told me I should look at him like he's someone with lots of emotional baggage, but that he's got great qualities. Honestly, who doesn't have baggage?! But baggage doesn't turn people into sleazebags or creeps, does it?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2020 14:20

This misery you have now will continue as long as you remain with this man for what are really your own reasons and not good ones at that.

Do not continue to stay with such a man because of your child. It is not fair to her either if you decide to do that. It teaches her that the relationship between you and her dad was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to place upon a child. Its also not something she will say "thanks mum" to you for either; she will call you daft for staying and even worse wonder why you put him before her.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What do you want to teach her about relationships and just what is she learning here?.

Yas01 · 05/02/2020 14:21

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's time you ended your marriage, for your own sake and for your daughter's sake. From experience I can honestly say this type of person will never change and I agree he is mentally abusing you. The longer you stay, the more he will be continue because he knows he is getting away with it. Are you sure he's not watching porn? Sounds completely obsessed with women's private parts. I would leave him and not look back. Don't stay, you and your daughter will have a much better life without him.

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 05/02/2020 14:27

@Yas01 he doesn't watch porn, he honestly doesn't like it. Never met a man like that before. I couldn't believe it. I mentioned a particular porn site to him and he didn't know about it. I thought he must be doing it but not admitting it, but I checked computer history for a long time and it's never porn. I can never find anything anywhere. I think he just likes the real thing.

OP posts:
Riv12345 · 05/02/2020 14:38

*missrabbit20
*
I wasn't suggesting you didn't have high morals!!
Just trying to help that's all.

Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 05/02/2020 14:39

@Riv12345 no, I didn't think you did at all. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Missrabbit20 · 05/02/2020 14:52

@AttilaTheMeerkat and @Yas01 I honestly agree with you. I wish there was a train a can board with my daughter and a suitcase and go to a happy place and never see this creep again. But it's not that easy, mainly for health reason and the fact that I may not be able to work full time ecause of that and provide for my daughter. That's all.

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 05/02/2020 14:53

It's creepy af and so disrespectful to you! So disgusting!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2020 15:23

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law. I would urge you to exercise these to the fullest now and not wait until she is older and or your health problems are sorted out (am sorry to read about these). Your DD won't accept those reasons at all.

Better to be on your own with your DD rather than to be so badly accompanied. You are being made a laughing stock of by this man you are married to and by association also, you and your DD are being dragged down with him.

Tamokilt · 05/02/2020 19:30

Echoing Atilla, see a solicitor. As you are married if you divorce he’ll have to help support his daughter and you also for a while esp if you can’t work for health reasons, you would also get benefits. I understand being an ill single parent is no picnic, but there are ways perhaps you are not aware of. Legal advice ALWAYS paramount. You may kick yourself later if you realise there were options and avenues you could have taken. Full knowledge makes it easier to make decisions. PS he sounds really weird and bizarre.

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/02/2020 19:46

OP, from an outsider POV, if we were sitting on the next table to you at a restaurant and we clocked your H doing that we’d be wispering, ‘eww, what a creep, and in front of his daughter as well. Poor woman, being stuck with that sleazy bastard.’ I’d just feel pity for you tbh and think you had really shit self esteem.

I’m not trying to be harsh, but that is what people will be thinking, and us women are programmed to notice creepy slimeballs like him, mainly so we can avoid like the plague.

ScreamingLadySutch · 05/02/2020 20:09

@Missrabbit20 start squirrelling away money.

Every shop - cash back. Buy high value things (washing powder etc) and store them.

It is really important to get money behind you.

A lot of illness is stress. You might be amazed how much better you get when you leave this stressful environment.

Your story of his beautiful behaviour around his family was so sad. It really shows he knows exactly what he is doing and he is in full control of his behaviour.