Possibly the OW

[soapandglory9x]

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

• He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).

• Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.

• He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).

• He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

I use voice notes. But only on a group to two friends because we always have so much to say and no time to write them!

I wouldn’t send my husband a voice note. I’d call him.

I should add I’m not on LinkedIn, no need to be. I hate social media because I use it too much. However my husband doesn’t use any social media at all although he does have a FB profile from when he was in his early 20’s! Never logs in though.

I think his other behaviour is suspicious personally.

When you said you have met him outside work and he's given you a hug in front of the building, are you sure he actually works there? Do you have his direct line at work or can you walk in to reception and ask for him, or does he always insist on you calling on his mobile and then he walks out of the building and meets you outside? Maybe as he's off sick you should call his work and ask for him, and you'll find out if that's his real name.

It all sounds incredibly dodgy OP. Good idea about asking him to see you on Valentines weekend.

I wish people would just use the facility on WhatsApp where you talk into it and it types the message out for you, as voice notes are so bloody annoying

Did you ask him about Valentines op? I think we’d all love to hear what he said!

I think from the number of responses has confirmed that his behavior is highly suspicious. If it smells fishy, then there’s a fish.
Instead of all the detective work, looking at bank cards, phoning his work etc.....just ask him!
Why haven’t you been inside his house, and you don’t believe his reasons.
Why after almost a year you haven’t met his family?
Why is he so I flexible with weekends and does not disclose what he’s doing when he’s not with you?
Tell him straight that if you do not go into his house, meet with his family etc it will be the end of the relationship.
Maybe there is a an explanation to all of this that does not mean the end of the relationship between you two, but as his partner of nearly one year you deserve to know what it is.

Could've written your post myself, word for word.

Found out I was the OW. Was with him for 3 years before I found out. Spoke to the GF after finding his secret phone so I was able to get answers to all the questions I had.

Might be different in your case, but I doubt it. Sorry

Forgot to say, you can google 'free electoral role search' where you can input his name or address and it will give you the names of everyone living at the address who is eligible to vote. He doesnt get notified of any searches either. It's free and takes 2 minutes. That's how I found out he didnt live with his DM!! .... and the plot unravelled from there.

So you live 100 miles from each other but where does he work if he is able to pop in and see you sometimes after work?

The friend's flat 100 miles away sounds like a front to stop you being able to just pop round - he probably lives much closer to you with his family.

Sorry, just caught with the updates

My DP lied about where he lived for over a year. And I met his best friend and his DDad plus step family. Turned out they didnt know about his live in GF lol So it's not all that far fetched.

@nobodyseesme

How awful!

Don't underestimate the ability of people to lie to you. A friend of mine had bought a flat with her boyfriend of three years and then found out that he had 4 children, not the two she knew about. She'd met the kids and all of his family. The children all had the same mother as well. She'd seen photos of 4 of them but he'd said they were their cousins, on the other side. Everyone had colluded with him.

@TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig how weird, and to involve his family too? Some people will never be fathomable 🙄

I'd bet my left arm that the girl in his picture is his daughter.
Chances are you can't find him as he's blocked you/has a different phone attached to Facebook/has a different name.

Get a friend to look him up using his number or last name

To the posters saying that OP should just ask him, rather than trying to find out more information covertly - if he’s already lying then he’ll just lie some more.

Having been in a similar situation years ago, when I confronted ex partner he gave me a story that on the surface seemed plausible but was just more lies. If I had done some digging I would have known that and could have saved myself a lot of wasted time and heartbreak down the line.

Information is power and will help make an informed decision about him. I’m not advocating any sort of stalking or tracking of him. But after 11 months of dating it is reasonable to confirm his actual full name, address, place of work and marital status.

Ring his work and ask to speak to eg David Smith. Insert his name. That'll give you the answer re work and is better than going in. Then you've confirmed his name and can do electoral role search. And it's anonymous.

@Dragonembroidery you can opt out of the public electoral roll. So not everyone is on there

My brother has a picture of him and my son as his WhatsApp profile picture. It is a cute picture so he uses it. He is single (as far as I’m aware) there is nothing strange about that.

I don’t know what your partner is doing.

What happened at Christmas OP? Did you spend it together? If not, what did he say he was doing?

@Daftapath and @Dragonembroidery

I think the hard copy version of the electoral roll (I never remember the correct spelling or roll/role!) in libraries has everyone on it.

I could be wrong nowadays so please correct me if I’m out of date, but I checked my own a few years ago and I was on it despite opting out (I didn’t mess it up, I opted out for sure as I want on the 192.com version that year) so if I’m on it after opting out others will be too.

As an aside note, OP, if someone isn’t registered to vote I wouldn’t think that much of them tbh. Being registered also improves your credit score so it’s important. It could be they are registered somewhere else for fraudulent reasons, I’m not keen on that either.

So OP basically if he’s not down at that address in the library copy of the er he wouldn’t be the one for me!

I agree with Gemma2019, I bet he lives closer than you think.

"If she's not seen inside his house after 11 months, then this relationship is clearly going nowhere even if he is being honest."

I agree with this.

Apologies if this has been suggested but have you tried looking up his family on social media - parents? They might have pictures of grandchildren etc.

It could be that he’s just one of those annoying time waiting men that live in house shares taking zilch responsibly for much of anything and just likes being able to stay at yours and be looked after with sex as an added bonus. A selfish time waster basically, if this is the case then sumo him cause the relationship clearly isn’t going anywhere.

Or he could be that he’s cheating or got some weird secret life.

When is he next at yours? When he is have a look in his wallet and see his ID or bank card, most people have something identifying in the wallet/purse.

De Nile isn’t just a river in Egypt op!

How is she in denial?