Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Possibly the OW

339 replies

soapandglory9x · 02/02/2020 21:32

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

  • He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).
  • Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.
  • He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).
  • He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

OP posts:
HowlsMovingBungalow · 04/02/2020 18:33

How did Christmas pan out with him? Birthdays?

FuzzyAtmosphere · 04/02/2020 18:36

Like some of the posters on this thread my sister also seems to think that the child (niece) in his WhatsApp picture is in-fact his daughter. Would he really take pictures of his daughter in front of as his family, send them to me and then pass her off his niece though? Maybe I'm naive but I just find it so hard to believe that someone would do something like that.

Many parents are proud of their children and like showing them off. Due to his lies, thus is the only way he can do that to you.

I’d wager that the flat is his friend’s and his friend’s girlfriend’s and that’s why you see pictures of them there, and why you aren’t welcome. He doesn’t live there at all and whilst his friend has allowed him to pretend he does, his girlfriend won’t tolerate that.

Pretendingtobeapsychokiller · 04/02/2020 18:36

I have experienced this.
My boyfriend (10 years ago) was involved with another woman, whilst in a relationship with me.
She had kids, and was working around shared custody - as was I. We had our own dates in his diary. I hadn't met a member of his family, but had seen many photos. He had a solid relationship with nieces and nephews.
The other woman went through his phone, and kicked off. She contacted me, and we both ditched him. I was devastated because I really bloody liked him! I did ask him to choose at the time. He picked me, and I made him tell her. I then gave him a huge bollocking, and told him to fuck off.

He contacted me AGAIN more recently, and he has done a lot of work on himself. Still no kids, but that's not important. We are very much working towards a wedding at this point.
I have a key to his place, and I know his family now. I also have a solid relationship with the nieces and nephews. It's a totally different relationship, and I'm not sure many people would be willing to try again under these circumstances.
He's honest to the point of ridiculousness now, and we have talked through all of his previous antics.
I'll show him this later, and ask for his take on it. It takes one to know one!

Timrunto · 04/02/2020 18:43

Woah I’d never marry a man who did that . Ur brave

BurneyFanny · 04/02/2020 18:45

Point is surely that EVEN IF there's a rational explanation which there clearly isn't he's not enough into OP to want to bring her into his life. OP would do much better to cut her losses. Don't spy / put a tracker on his car, that's some crazy shit.

YasssKween · 04/02/2020 18:49

He's honest to the point of ridiculousness now

I'm glad you're happy now but this doesn't make sense - I've thought people were honest to the point of ridiculousness before but they were just better liars.

Be careful with your kindness and forgiveness. Hopefully it's well placed but I just would find it so hard to believe someone capable of living a double life could have changed that much.

As i say I'm glad you are happy and I hope it's the right decision x

Urkiddingright · 04/02/2020 18:51

How did Christmas pan out with him? Birthdays?

Very good point. I’m guessing neither fell on his weekend to see the OP so he made an excuse...

Urkiddingright · 04/02/2020 18:53

I did ask him to choose at the time. He picked me
Wow, such an honour to be chosen by a cheating scumbag.

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/02/2020 18:55

He's using you.
He doesn't want you IN his life, hence not even letting you into the house he lives in!
He just wants to be able to shag you and have fun with you ON HIS TERMS ONLY!

How have you not clicked onto this after 11 months?!

He sounds like those blokes who choose to live in houseshares cos it's less responsibility for them.....and if there's a female in the house they know she'll end up cleaning up after them rather than live in the mess.
Does he think he can hoodwink you into believing that you're actually in a relationship?
Does he plan on moving in with you at some point - and then expect you to put up with his lack of house-training?

He's telling you that he 'chooses' to live in a houseshare where he can't bring his gf round for whatever 'reason'....doesn't that sound even a little bit 'off' to you?

He's a lying shitbag who's got you penned under 'casual fling'.

Wallywobbles · 04/02/2020 19:26

My 14 yo DD thinks you really are not playing with a full deck of cards. I agree.

UsainDolt · 04/02/2020 20:24

OP - have you ever phoned him at work? If it's a big company you can just phone the generic number and ask for him. It will establish whether he's given you his real name. (You can hang up once he answers.....)

soapandglory9x · 04/02/2020 20:28

@PattiPrice sorry I really don't know what you mean by this comment tbh Confused

Yes he's not well but I've been in work all day yesterday and today, haven't finished until late both days. I've literally only just got home about 30 mins ago and have been out of the house for nearly 13 hours so I'm absolutely shattered.

He also lives over an hour away from where I work and live so had I driven down there yesterday/tonight I wouldn't of got home until after 10/11pm.

I do love him but as a grown man I'm sure he can make himself a bowl of soup if he wants some.

OP posts:
PattiPrice · 04/02/2020 20:40

soapandglory9x

I was suggesting visiting him when he is unwell is the perfect excuse to enter his house. He could hardly turn you away when you had gone to such effort.

wibdib · 04/02/2020 20:41

Just saying op - apparently today is National Sickie Day - they were talking about it on the news and got people to pretend to phone insick in their illest voice. Lots of people were able to fake it very realistically...

SebastienCrabSauce · 04/02/2020 20:42

@soapandglory9x you’ve missed the point... she was suggesting you just turn up at his door with some food under the guise of looking after him whilst his ill. Catching him off guard will prove whether he’s there alone or not.

I would suggest he doesn’t actually even live from where you picked him from, it’s his friend’s flat and if you turned up there they’d have to admit he doesn’t live there.

FlaskMaster · 04/02/2020 20:48

as a grown man I'm sure he can make himself a bowl of soup Don't worry, his wife probably made him one.

Restlessinthenorth · 04/02/2020 21:05

@LouReidDododo please tell this James doesn't have a flat in Leeds? Sounds particularly like a lying cheating part called James I got involved with via OLD, a few years ago....

Chouxalacreme · 04/02/2020 21:09

Can’t you call his bluff

Sit him down for a chat and say you’ve had some information / found a shared friend in his home town / ex school / workplace etc and just pretend

Exitstrategist · 04/02/2020 21:12

OP is very much in denial...

FizzyPink · 04/02/2020 21:14

Clearly I am much more nosy that you OP but I used to full on online stalk them before I’d even met them. The number of men who’d hyped up or full on lied about their jobs was shocking.
I’d have had to do some serious snooping long before now in your situation

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/02/2020 21:19

If I’d been dating someone for a year and had these suspicions I would be on my way down there right now 100 mile trip or not - all ready to surprise him with soup/grapes etc. It’s a perfect excuse - he can’t say she’s a nutter, it’s a perfectly reasonable and kind thing to do for your ill partner. Me and dh were living together after a year!
The fact op is so passive suggests she doesn’t really want to know (coz then she’d have to dump him or stay with him and knowingly be the OW) - I reckon ignorance is bliss for her!

fuckoffImcounting · 04/02/2020 21:27

If this man is lying to you OP about his availability, he is stealing some of your fertile years so he can have a free shag. This to me seems a terrible thing to do to a young woman.

soapandglory9x · 04/02/2020 21:53

I'm sorry @PattiPrice I took your comment the wrong way, please accept my apology.

I honestly haven't had a chance to speak to him yet, properly anyway. I've only just got into bed right this second.

I definitely need to have a serious chat with him, I know that. I want to meet his family/friends properly, go inside his house. I agree it is definitely bizarre that I haven't been in the whole time we've been dating. Really silly of me to let it go this far. Just shows how laid back I really am.

I will definitely be voicing my concerns to him and I'll see what his response is to that. If for some reason he isn't happy for me to meet his family or go inside his home etc then I will have to think about moving on. If he's got nothing to hide then it should all be okay.

Anyway, thank you all for your advice and the kick up the arse that I really needed. I knew I could trust Mumsnet to make me give my head a wobble!

OP posts:
sleepyhorse · 04/02/2020 22:08

OP - I do genuinely think all the mumsnetters on here have your best interest at heart. Nobody wants to see a nice person being taken advantage of. What do your friends and family think? Do they find it odd too?

RogueV · 04/02/2020 22:10

I think the leaving voice notes for each other is strange? I never knew people did this?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.