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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Possibly the OW

339 replies

soapandglory9x · 02/02/2020 21:32

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

  • He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).
  • Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.
  • He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).
  • He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

OP posts:
Talkingmouse · 04/02/2020 22:17

Have you rang his work general switchboard yet op?

If not...why?

MissPepper8 · 04/02/2020 22:19

I think the leaving voice notes for each other is strange? I never knew people did this?

It's a WhatsApp thing, me and friend (sometimes with mum/sister) do this. It's useful when you've got babies in hands and can't type or are being lazy (usually haven't got time to chat on phone).

If this was my husband though I'd prefer him to just ring me, I never leave voice notes with him.

user1479305498 · 04/02/2020 22:21

It could also be OP that he is separated and has a child and is staying with friends. May be that he lied on his profile originally and now feels awkward to have to be honest , could be lots of things but it’s clear he wants to see you on his terms as and when, so I think he’s hiding something but what I’m not sure. I think your valentine day suggestion is great. If he can’t be flexible on that it provides that lead in conversation as to why

PepsiLola · 04/02/2020 22:39

I think I would still try and see his name on his bank card before questioning him.

Go to order something on amazon of little value and "lose" your card last minute... ask for his and say you'll xfer him the money it have the cash to hand.

isthismylifenow · 05/02/2020 05:58

Is this weekend "your" weekend OP?

You didn't reply to the Christmas and birthday comments, as i am also curious to know what happened on those days?

ThatThereWoman · 05/02/2020 06:06

I think it's weird he's not on Linkedin. EVERYONE is on linkedin! I think he must have told you a fake name.

I dated someone who used to wipe off all evidence of other girlfriends from his social media accounts after he finished with them. He had loads of different social media accounts and just sets them up willy nilly. But he still has a linked in account in his real name. (as well as others of course too, so he can check up on people...).

category12 · 05/02/2020 06:13

I'm not on LinkedIn. I didn't know it was obligatory.

copperoliver · 05/02/2020 06:33

I don't think not being on social media is odd my husband and I don't have any SM.
I don't think it's odd to have a picture of his niece either if she's his only one and a close family as you say.
But in this case I think it could possibly be his child given he is only free on certain weekends.
Maybe he doesn't want to introduce women to his child ( if she is his child )
Unless he was living with the woman or something. You can't blame him for that but should be honest, maybe the child's mum has said no to her seeing girlfriends.
Or maybe he just has some funny ways and likes sticking to a ridged routine.
Eg. Sees you on a certain weekend so sticks to it ect.
Just ask him a bit more but don't go in all guns blazing as he definitely won't open up then. X

aNonnyMouse1511 · 05/02/2020 06:38

Gl x

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 06:46

@ThatThereWoman I'm not on LinkedIn

RLOU30 · 05/02/2020 06:49

I’m 32 not on linkedin (or any social media at all since about 21yo).

nolovelost · 05/02/2020 07:05

I'm not on Linkedin either!

isthismylifenow · 05/02/2020 08:04

I think it's weird he's not on Linkedin. EVERYONE is on linkedin!

Nope, everyone isn't.

crispysausagerolls · 05/02/2020 08:17

People have given very reasonable and subtle suggestions for how you can find out, without alerting him. Eg calling him at work, excuses to pop round his flat. Your complete reluctance to do anything to reveal anything concrete shows you are in complete denial and if he says for example he can’t do Valentine’s Day that won’t be enough “proof” for you and you will continue on as is.

The reality is this is someone who is most likely married and you are allowing him to continue cheating on a wife because you are not willing to burst the bubble. My mother is online dating and has been for over a decade, and the number of married men on there is staggering. It’s SO EASY for you to actually find out either way. It’s baffling that you do not want to.

BurneyFanny · 05/02/2020 08:29

Again, this is all missing the point. OP is nearly 30 and presumably wants to settle down. If she's not seen inside his house after 11 months, then this relationship is clearly going nowhere even if he is being honest. If it was going somewhere, they'd probably be living together by now, or at least making plans to.

ThatThereWoman · 05/02/2020 08:42

Oh ok I stand corrected! It’s still deeply weird imo

marly11 · 05/02/2020 08:48

It is likely that if you challenge him he will just disappear. Presumably he won't want whatever other domestic situation he has got set up to be compromised. If the unresolved nature of that would bother you I would find out yourself what is going on before you challenge him. Personally I think it would be damaging and unsettling for someone just to disappear and to never know the truth re who or what they were. At present it seems he is 'having his cake...' and may think you are gullible in accepting this status quo but happy to enjoy your company and what you give him. As other posters have said, its likely his mate is covering for him and the girlfriend won't, hence his reluctance to let you go in. It seems like you don't really want to find out. It doesn't sound like there is any future in the relationship - the question is do you want to find out the truth or are you content to be exploited with the potential of him just disappearing at some stage, I think.

Urkiddingright · 05/02/2020 09:20

I’m not on linked in, I’m a teacher so I really don’t see the benefit. My DH uses it because he’s an engineer and it can be useful within certain industries for networking purposes. It looks boring as shit tbh so I don’t think everyone is on it at all, I doubt retail workers use it!

I also don’t think a lack of social media presence is concerning, I only have Instagram but don’t have my surname on there so you’d never find me if you googled my name.

What I do find concerning is the fact OP isn’t allowed in his home and how rigid he is with the EOW set up plus not contacting OP during the week very much, especially not in the evenings. Just sounds like someone who has a wife to me.

crispysausagerolls · 05/02/2020 09:22

Voice memos as opposed to phone calls SCREAMS married!!!!!!

BlingLoving · 05/02/2020 09:28

"Voice memos as opposed to phone calls SCREAMS married!!!!!!"

No, it doesn't. Lots of people use voice memos rather than typing. I hate it but the vast bulk of DH's younger family all do it. I land up not listening because inevitably I'm somewhere public and don't have headphones or can't be bothered to haul them out of my handbag while on the train. But it's really very common.

YouJustDoYou · 05/02/2020 09:29

Soooo dodgy

NachoNachoMan · 05/02/2020 09:48

You could invent a reason to see him driving license - say your picture us awful or something, let's have a laugh and see each others license pics etc... then if he shows you you could see if the surname/ address matches... and if he comes up with some excuse not to show you it or says he doesn't have it, it could mean he has something to hide

crispysausagerolls · 05/02/2020 09:58

@BlingLoving

I don’t know a single person who uses them

BlingLoving · 05/02/2020 10:00

@crispysausagerolls - I wish I was in your life. I absolutely hate them and every time one pops up on my WhatsApp I want to groan.

mistermagpie · 05/02/2020 10:09

I've never sent or received a voice note and am not on LinkedIn either. People are different.

I do, however, let my partner into my house. The excuse about the flat mates girlfriend is ridiculous and I'm baffled that you haven't challenged this already!

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