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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possibly the OW

339 replies

soapandglory9x · 02/02/2020 21:32

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

  • He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).
  • Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.
  • He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).
  • He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

OP posts:
MissPepper8 · 04/02/2020 12:51

So there are many red flags here but the biggest ones are not letting you visit in 11 months of dating (how you've not said anything, I do not know) and the other is not replying after 5pm (or only replying in work hours). When I was dating, I talked to someone who would do this and straight away it's red flag stuff, we never got round to me going to his home (or family home) as he actually confessed he had a partner and that was the end of that.

I think you've got two options, look in his wallet when he's in the shower or something to see his name or just call him out. You've literally got nothing to lose by calling him out but I don't think you'd know the full truth.

MissPepper8 · 04/02/2020 12:55

If that was me I would have to turn up at his house unexpectedly

Did she say he was sharing a flat? How do you know he's actually sharing or not using it as a place for a pick up. He could not actually live there, my feeling is if he's so guarded and planned with this (not letting her in, not changing his weekends or on social media) he wouldn't let her drop him off at his actual home.

ScreamingLadySutch · 04/02/2020 13:04

@Cohle, because he is taking advantage of and manipulating two women. He is deceiving two women.

I would put a VAR in his car, one of those USB things. And look through his wallet when he is asleep.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 04/02/2020 13:22

I'm not sure he is married. I think maybe he has kids or kid that lives with him. Hence the popping over sometimes during the week. Are these always on the same day (maybe the mum has the kid one evening during the week that isn't her weekend). The every other weekend that cant be changed really sounds like a shared custody agreement. Also are you sure the picture is of his niece and not his daughter. If he let you into his house you would know whether he had a child living there wouldn't you. Have you tried searching for him on fb using his phone number?

Cohle · 04/02/2020 13:25

But I don't think people are suggesting the OP just ask him and accept whatever he says.

I at least am suggesting the OP share her concerns and see whether he immediately shows her his passport and invites her round to his flat on an "off weekend".

Tracking his movements and rifling through his belongings is weird behaviour. The OP doesn't need to stoop to that level when she could just have a sensible conversation.

WizardOfAus · 04/02/2020 14:34

Where are you, OP?

whatevertr · 04/02/2020 14:45

Sorry OP it doesn't sound good.

Original poster
soapandglory9x · 04/02/2020 17:25

Apologies for taking ages to respond to you all, the last two days have been so busy in work and I've literally not had a minute spare to look at my phone properly. I've just had a good read through all of your messages.

We've not really spoken much this week so far, again just because I've been busy in work plus he's not very well at the minute apparently. He's been off work yesterday and today with a stomach bug so I think he's been sleeping most of the day. He did just send me a quick voice note though asking how my day has been and he did sound unwell (from what I could hear anyway)

I'm not sure what to think to be honest. I do agree that it's all very fishy though and that's exactly why I created the thread in the first place and asked for advice/tips.

Perhaps a stupid idea, but I was thinking of asking him what he wants to do for Valentine's Day to see what his response is. That weekend doesn't actually fall on one "our weekends" so I know if he saids that he has other plans or can't come down then there is definitely something wrong. If I'm his only partner he shouldn't have a problem spending that weekend with me right?
If his response is that he can't spend it with me I will definitely challenge him on it.

I know I've been a bit silly and naive to let it go on for so long, I guess I was just in the love bubble Blush

OP posts:
PattiPrice · 04/02/2020 17:36

OP When my sister was dating her now husband, she got sick. He turned up unexpectedly at her door with a basket of all her favourite things to eat. She knew then and there he was the one for her........

Just something to think about.

FizzyPink · 04/02/2020 17:37

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. She was overjoyed at the beautiful handmade gift he gave her for valentines and then a few months later when she worked out where he actually lived with another woman and went round there she saw the exact same gift sitting on their kitchen table.
I really hope your story ends more positively!

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/02/2020 17:39

YY to pp’s suggestion. Drive down with a goodie basket to make him feel better. It’s the perfect excuse to surprise him and you’ll know one way or the other.

Tetrapanex · 04/02/2020 17:46

I wouldn’t blame yourself too much OP. I’ve been there and it’s really easy to let small niggles slide when you’re in the honeymoon period.

I met a guy who had me pick him up outside his house too - only it turns out it wasn’t his house just a random house on a neighbouring street. He lied about pretty much every detail of his life. Even now years later I don’t really know what was true and what was lies. A total mindfuck.

What I would ask you to think about is: even if there are reasonable and truthful explanations for everything, do you really see a future with a partner who excludes you from the rest of his life?

Going to somebody’s house might seem like an inconsequential thing but it’s not. It’s where you learn much more about them. Are they messy / tidy? What books do they read? How do they live on a day to day basis? Etc etc

And same with family and friends. Can you really fall in love with someone without seeing how they interact and treat the other significant people in their lives?

ILoveBlinking · 04/02/2020 17:50

Definitely take him some chicken soup!

Jomarchsburntskirt · 04/02/2020 17:57

He’s so married.

mnahmnah · 04/02/2020 17:59

It’s odd that he would kiss you at his work, in front of colleagues, and take you out with some friends, if they all know he’s married. So that bit wouldn’t add up. But the rest of it does sound very suspicious. The first thing you need to do is get hold of his wallet and check his name on his cards etc.

crystal1717 · 04/02/2020 18:07

Do what @Elieza said. I once had a date do this, first date is strange but after months it's not strange.
It doesn't look good OP.
Men are generally shits and sorry to say your probably OW.
As you have young hot relationship, if after 100 mile journey, he could invite you in for some nooky, then he would.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 04/02/2020 18:11

OLD usernames can often throw up clues for other online accounts.
There are username search engines.

He will have a online footprint somewhere.

The flatmates gf excuse is bullshit - he is paying rent but can't have have you over to visit? Hmm

DearHappy · 04/02/2020 18:11

Offer to call round and help him as he’s ill.

crystal1717 · 04/02/2020 18:14

Re colleagues, that's what men do. You sahm s would be v shocked to see men in workplace. They're f*ing disgusting and barely bearable.
So sweet at home though. Ha!

Also his excuse is awful. So it's his house but his flatmate has a girlfriend who's so irrational that he (your boyfriend) can't have a girl round. He wouldn't put up with that! It's ludicrous.

okiedokieme · 04/02/2020 18:16

Seems odd, not the lack of social media,not everyone does it, but the lack of desire to integrate you into his life. My dp couldn't wait to introduce me to his friends and family, just a couple of months in and I've met most of his family, work colleagues and friends- be suspicious as to why not!

WizardOfAus · 04/02/2020 18:17

Yes, ask him about Valentine’s Day, OP and you will have your answer.

crystal1717 · 04/02/2020 18:18

It's unlikely he's ill. He's at family event away or holiday with wife and kids.

Timrunto · 04/02/2020 18:20

Not good

MimiLaRue · 04/02/2020 18:24

Yes, you are absolutely right to be worried. Dating for a YEAR and never been inside his house? WTF? thats a huge red flag, even without the rest of the contact details etc
You need to investigate this- I think your gut feeling is correct unfortunately

ajandjjmum · 04/02/2020 18:32

Valentine's Day is round the corner - a perfect excuse for you to turn up on his doorstep with a bottle of champagne! He'd have to let you in then.

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