Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@caketimeisover fantastic post!

@caketimeisover you are amazing. Brilliant post.

@Feckthisshit2020 and @Startoftheyear2020 thanks you. See I am definitely a talker!

Good luck this weekend @Feckthisshit2020 with him (maybe?) moving out. Hope you're ok.

And @Wineisafruit can we all join you on that cruise?? #nowankbadgersallowed

xxx

Morning all. Getting ready for parkrun. Haven’t looked outside at the weather. Fingers crossed.

@caketimeisover, your post on the previous page is articulate and warm, full of insight, heartfelt and inspiring. You are a very resilient woman and your self-esteem will, soon, be sky high. It should be already. Your DC are very, very lucky to have such a fantastic role model. 🌟

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, #wankbadger is perfect.

I don’t have children. Not my wish, just the way it turned out. He didn’t particularly want them (runs in the family - even those who have them didn’t want them until they were interesting). This can make the current situation easier. Only myself to please, freedom of movement, fewer worries, no child care limitations. It’s also incredibly hard. Friends have children, so priorities are different. As a couple, and certainly as a singleton, there’s no school gate friend circle. At the start there’s nothing to go on for emotionally. If you’re working that fills a bit of a gap but not in the evenings, at weekends. There’s a deep sadness present. People talk about empty nest syndrome. Not having children when you would have liked them with the man you loved is empty nest syndrome but at a much earlier time of life. What’s happened to my marriage, something I didn’t want, reinforces the feelings of failure - childless and second best all her married life. This isn’t to be gloomy in any way. I made my choices and next time I’ll do better. The irony is that he, and another brother, moved on (backwards in my STBXH’s case), to women with children and grandchildren. Ready made, grown up families, with no effort involved on their part. They’re cuckoos basically.

Well enough of that. We will need a new thread soon @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies. This is powerful stuff. parkrunners and free style runners, you’ve got this. Everyone have your best day. See you later 😘

@caketimeisover I just related very hard to your long post. Putting up those emotional boundaries between ourselves and the dickhead idiots who no longer resemble the men we married is absolutely vital.

I've received a fulsome, much promised, long explanation and it is heartbreaking at every level. But now I am going to emotionally disengage once and for all, much like he did months and maybe years ago. Boundaries in place.

Good morning ladies, thinking of you @Feckthisshit2020 stay strong while you have too this weekend, tears once he’s gone. @SuperbMonkey I am hoping for my first dry parkrun today, can’t believe I’m still going 4 weeks. In!!
Have a good day warriors

Wow. I haven't imputed as caketime and Supberb have said how it is. Gud to have u back wineisfruit.
Definitely boundaries in hindsight I did everything you shouldn't do.
But hey ho.
My tip is to get as much financial information together as possible.

Cry do what you need to do. Talk ' find your persons to talk to.
Shock and disbelief.

Definitely boundaries as someone says they not your friend I'm coming up to 7 months now and managed to ignore his phone call n texts yesterday for the 1st time so that's a huge step for me

I still email the samaritans they have been a great source of support as I'm on my own.

Does anyone else struggle when you first wake up in the morning? It's takes a few seconds to remember reality and then I get the most awful sinking feeling in my stomach when I realise I have to get through another day 😢 I have major issues going on at work at the moment too so don't feel I even have that as a space to escape so to speak. Am desperately trying to keep going to my classes at the gym which I think does help even if it is only a temporary measure. Anyway, onwards and upwards hope you all have a good day xx

@frankiebabe
I was finding that as soon as I woke(usually a trip to the can)in would pop thoughts of him and her, really strong and it would stop me going back to sleep. Discovering the OW has been shocking but over time, as I waited for months until I had real evidence. It was inevitable that we'd split anyway so even though I'm hurt etc(and I did cry every day for two months), it's not like the torturous heartbreak. I found my anger, felt pain at his actions and mostly words, cried, felt dreadful I really did but I feel like annoyance and reflecting on his stupidity is a new feeling creeping in.

I think I might be falling apart. We told the children. He told me to fuck off in front of them. I’m sitting in a car park crying. They deserve so so much better.

parkrun PB for 2020. Not quite back to form but feeling stronger when running. @Emmerdaledramaqueen, congratulations on number 4 (my friend’s at number 3). Great conditions here today, cold, no breeze, no rain!

@Sadsammy, you are painting an informative picture of your H. Fancy building a relationship on lies and sorting out OW’s mess. How romantic - not! I prefer to have fun, not be involved in a melodrama, when starting a relationship. 😀

@Wineisafruit, good to hear from you again, as you power through the slurry. 💪 🍷 🍎

@caketimeisover

You have empowered us with your thoughtfully written, caring post ❤️

@Feckthisshit2020, I’m sending you warm, kind thoughts. I hope it goes well in the sense that you are able to get support, look after yourself and the DC and tiny. As for him, may all his troubles be giant ones. 😘😘

@thrivingnotjustsurving, mine started backtracking from my character flaws with the sad sausage face. I pointed out, with a smile, that what had been said could not be unsaid. Their explanations are NOT THE TRUTH. Please don’t believe what he says. It’s his justification for bad behaviour. When you feel ready, take each explanation to court - what’s the evidence for and against? Is there another explanation e.g. that he is not being honest, that he is a disordered person. Of course, face flaws that you recognise and address them for your own benefit. Please don’t accept criticism that comes from a cheating brain without further consideration. Well done on the boundaries and disengagement. Watch out for when he starts to try to hoover you back in🤗

@Bigpooh13

I hope you’re still trending the FO face. While ignoring the calls and texts. Huge round of 👏 for that. It’s hard but it gets easier. It’s food to contact the Samaritans, to get thoughts off your chest. You are not at all alone though, we are here. 😘

@frankiebabe, the mornings are always the worst. I feel exactly the same. A friend who is recently bereaved and adjusting to being a widow says exactly the same. She is now coming to parkrun and exercise is helping. So keep up the gym sessions. Exercise is a life saver. It’s hard when you have problems at work too. Everything comes at once. And every time you cope on your own or with the help of friends your resilience grows. It’s like training a muscle. 💪🏋️‍♀️

@Sadsammy, it’s interesting how we reach the stage of recognising their crass stupidity. I feel pity for mine, for the mess he’s made of his life. I know that I will come out of this a stronger person with a better idea of who I am. For him, there’s no hope as he has no insight into himself and why he does what he does. He is a cliche. A middle-aged man trying to go back in time. Pathetic in the true sense of the word. 💗

So, the leak seems to have stopped. I think the water tank must have had too much hot water in it. I turned the hot water off and the problem seems to have resolved and I still had hot water. We’ll see what happens next. The joys of being a home owner ...

Enjoy the rest of the day, Warriors xxxx

Just got back from spin class and had lifted my mood a bit it is so hard to motivate yourself to go thought isn't it?!
@Sadsammy so difficult isn't it when you can see how stupid they are being and that it will more than likely end in tears for them esp as your H has got involved in the OW problems! They make their bed and all that is what I say!

@Superbmonkey my H also wants to,turn back the clock and have'fun' he Doesn't realise he is a fifty something with responsibilities, what is it with these men?!! You are right we will come out of this stronger but it is jut bloody hard being on the journey!

Do really recommend exercise whether parkruns or spin classes or swimming it really does help even if just for a short time so would encourage any one in our group to do this if they can 😘

I too agree to exercise. He bought a years gym membership for my birthday so I'm using it before it runs out just like he did . Midlife crisis hah financial ruin I hope and I don't think he will be able to do early retirement like we had planned next year.

Thank you Superb and I'm relieved you haven't got a leak. I keep waking up to crashes n bangs in the night but I think its just the cats chasing mice around the kitchen nice.

Keeping occupied and busy if able to be motivated is my key to trying to survive each day which is getting easier.

@SuperbMonkey 1 min slower this week but still feels good. I am proud that for 4 weeks I have got up and run in the rain (again this week!), exercise really does help.

I have finally accepted that exh has never/will never love anyone more than himself, no one will ever be as important to him as himself including our dc and that’s very sad. I do comfort myself with the fact that our grown up dcs check on me and their sibling with little to no contact with him. As with the other wankbadgers on this thread he will one day realise he’s a very lonely old man!!

@Feckthisshit2020 Remember this will be one of your hardest days, from here you will be in the position of power, your rules around contact and boundaries. Change little bits of your environment to make them yours and we are all here handholding you. You are a warrior recovering their strength xx

@Emmerdaledramaqueen that's exactly what one of my friends said about my H that he will end up a lonely old man! Let's hope,they all do!

Lonely and broke. And I will be he🏖🌅🌀🌊🌟🌠

@SuperbMonkey you are so right, it is logic from the adulterous brain. It's all about him & her. Me and the kids are like little footnotes to his shiny new life, plenty of revisionism written there that have nothing to do with reality. My only flaw was to be trusting.

Today is going to be a self centred day for me, I'm in survival mode rather than thriving. I know it will pass. Today is a world of pain though.

@Feckthisshit2020 I can't even... What a fucking monster. If he wants to tell you to f off that's one thing (dickhead) but in front of your kids?! He's a monster. He is a monster.

It might feel like you're falling apart, but in fact you are ESCAPING. This is the first step forwards, and there are going to be many more until he is a tiny dot in your past. He's going, and thank fuck for that! He has shown you repeatedly just who he is - and that is just THE WORST.

Your kids will be ok because you are there and you will do everything you can for them. They absolutely don't deserve this, and neither do you. But they'll see who he really is, and they will see you strong and awesome and dealing with this shitstorm with grace and dignity.

You win. It doesn't feel like it now but honestly you win.

What a massive 💩👜. Massive hug.

@frankiebabe, spin is so, so hard. It is hard to go to do exercise, but once you’ve been you feel truly great. It does lift your mood. Mine’s fifty something too. Of dear, worried about their virility. 😔 sausage. Good for you on encouraging others. The fitter we are, the mightier we become.

@Bigpooh13, your sense of humour is fantastic. Please hold on to it. You’re right about busyness and motivation. Great distractions and you are moving forward.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, good running, but sorry about the rain. Not a personal best yet but still moving in a better direction. Yoga is helping so much. Mine’s the same, narcissist and not a nice person.

@thrivingnotjustsurving I’m glad that the thought helped. I was too trusting so we are doing well in each other’s company. Self-centred is more than perfectly acceptable. Enjoy!

@caketimeisover your support for @Feckthisshit2020 is what she needs to read. Feck, thinking about you. We care! xx

Hellllloooo. Can I ask what to expect from Mediation.

@Bigpooh13 have you been invited to mediation? You will have a separate initial appointment first (a MIAM) and you can decide after that if you want to proceed with mediation.

Well. After his many attempts to ring me yesterday he then sent a text "saying he didnt have his glasses and whens this mediation " and I haven't heard anything about it. So perhaps he his having one on his own. I have an appointment with my solicitor in Tuesday but he didnt say anything about mediation.Thanks for replying.

Just read all of this. God they are all the fucking same and so predictable.
Yet they think they really are something special
Pathetic.
Exactly the same happened to me
He adored me soul mates etc. Then 10 years later cold and distant. Then it's not you it's me. Then I love you but not in love. Then there is No one else. Now he lives with a mutual friend. Always on the scene. So fucking predictable. X