Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@ Thrivingnotjustsurviving, will do. I’ll do some more research and then PM you, with a post in advance. Know what building back up after illness/injury is like. I’ve been doing that for just over a year. I’m getting there like you though. Not back to form, but focusing hard. You’re right about building back up helping with other areas of life and general resilience. ‘Lying self-partner’ is spot on. I find mindfulness meditation helps a lot too. I did a 6 week course and now use an app. I’m not good at journaling, although I enjoy it when I do it. So many good tips here.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, my social circle became very narrow too. I’m gradually building it up and doing things on my own too, to increase my resilience. A guided ramble sounds like fun and the weather is lovely. Fast walking is better than running sometimes, and some ramblers are very fast. Enjoy! I was never allowed to use the mower. I do know how to do it and do a better job than he did. The grass is still too wet here.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, it’s lovely to hear from you. I’m sad that you are in a slump. Fresh air and bracing walks at the seaside are perfect for getting us moving. I’ll be doing the same next weekend, with my fellow chump and ex-sister-in-Law so looking forward to lots of wine, food, laughs and walks. She is lovely and I always loved her. Cleaning, dumping stuff and anything cathartic is positive. Has your wankbadger collected his stuff yet? That will have been traumatic and will cause a massive drop in mood both before, during and afterwards. Post when you feel like it and take good care of yourself. I’m happy to start the next thread but will always name check you as you started this movement and I am so grateful to you. ❤️ Thank you for your kind, caring words.

@Bigpooh13, thank you too, for your lovely words. You make me smile, which I appreciate. I’m always smiling with you. You will get back to full fitness because you are working so hard and that’s what it takes. It gives you a distraction and you can visualise the super fit you 🏃‍♀️.

First of 2 posts xx

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, I’ve been wondering how you are getting on all week, so I’m pleased to have an update. Your first week is exhausting isn’t it. But exciting, with lots of new people to meet and challenges to face. You have got a new identity with new opportunities. And all from your own hard work. This is the start of a new and powerful warrior you. I’m proud. Xx

Congratulations on the 10k too. I’m contemplating a 10k in May. Must make decision today. I supermarketed yesterday. There was little left ...

Thanks for the kind words. I always think that what I’m saying must be boring as they are just musings really. I come from a sort of caring profession and that’s built in to me too. This helps me so much and often keeps me sane.

Enjoy the rest of the day xx

Hi all, welcome to the new ones and sorry you’re here. Thanks to those who have asked after me. Yesterday was awful. Really awful. But today the sun has been shining and I’ve been the garden and done some stuff in the house I’ve been meaning to for ages. The weather makes a huge difference to me- when it’s sunny I feel so much more capable. I am prepared to crash tomorrow when I’m really here alone but for now I’m just enjoying the small moments of joy- clean sheets dried on the line, beautiful daffodils and folded laundry!

Feckthisshit, it's all about simple pleasures isnt it. Shame they cant see them in their adulterous minds.

Supberb amazing, many thanks. I'm making a raised vegetable bed out of pallets I'm finding it very exciting. Then I can get rid of his massive veg patch. Each time the spade goes in the soil another bit of him gone.
I too wasnt allowed to cut the grass he was very proud of it. He used to come around n cut it . But I've done it and it felt great.

Everyone else here . Keep posting it keeps me going. I'm just feeling completely knackered at the moment. Not sleeping properly but the adreline from the first months has gone .

Hello everyone. Sorry that we all find ourselves here but this thread is a life line.
Having a terrible dip this evening after an ok weekend. Feel very depressed and it’s all triggered by the driving. Feel so pathetic I can’t just confidently drive everywhere and then had thoughts of OW driving to our house to shag dh and also driving our car. She’s so capable and practical. Just feel useless. A setback.

What is it about a Sunday that makes us hit a slump!! I had a good walk with the ramblers for company yet begin to feel anxious when waiting for dd to be brought back. Had a relatively normal conversation at drop off so can’t understand why it happens, thinking that possibly drops at the door will be best from now on.
Yay, all you ladies cutting grass and gardening are giving me hope!!
@Filly2011 keep going and confidence with driving will come it just takes time and patience to get over your fear, I’m sure we all have something that makes us feel useless but we definitely are not, we’ve got this far and are surviving to me that’s strength!

Hi everyone. Just got back from dinner with friends. Busy week ahead so having an early night.

@Feckthisshit2020, you made it through one of the worst days. You sound much more positive and, whilst there will be hard times ahead, things will also get better. The sunshine, lighter nights, and signs of spring make a difference too. Folded laundry and all tidy are simple joys that bring a smile to the face. 😀

@Bigpooh13, digging holes in soil is a satisfying pursuit. Your new raised beds sound very exciting. Just imagine all that home grown veg. And well done on the lawn mowing. Mine was proud of his too. Apparently all he’s proud of now is what a stud he is! Getting a good night’s sleep makes all the difference. Hopefully all that digging and fresh air will have helped. Sleep well, Big 💤

@Filly2011, the Sunday slump is a horrible thing. I know you don’t believe me but you are not useless. Being able to drive with confidence is a learned skill. My STBXH did all the driving (not my choice). The more I drive, the more confident I become. It’s practice you need, that’s all. Little bits of practice, or perhaps take a few lessons just to get your confidence back. Once you get over this hurdle you will feel a huge sense of achievement. The OW may well be capable and practical. She is also unfaithful, has no integrity, is dishonest, tells lies, uses people, shall I go on? You are none of those things. Who would you rather be? You’re OK, but going through a hard time. It will get better ❤️

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, it’s weird isn’t it. Sunday is a hard day. Congratulations on the walk and, hopefully, you met some lovely people. Anticipation of what might be said is usually worse than the reality. Door drop offs sound like a good idea - whatever works for you. Agree with what you say about surviving this far being a strength. 🍷

Sleep well all. We start another week, and let’s make it a good one xx

Hiya, I've been quiet while I've been trying to get through work and get my head round this. He's admitted there is someone else he wants to be with but says nothing had happened yet. There's no remorse, he's not even said sorry, he just goes about like he's walking on air. He wants to sell the house we own together, I'm still shocked but I'm coming to terms with it now and I just want to sort out what I can do for my kids. Citizens advice tomorrow to find out if I can claim anything and how to do it.

@4piecesofCheeseontoast so sorry to hear this here if you need anything.

@4piecesofCheeseontoast of bloody course there's someone else - I don't mean you should have known, why wouldn't you believe and trust him, that's the whole point of marriage. I just mean why are they SO PREDICTABLE?! What a massive knob. Nothing's happened yet?! Ah that's ok then! Nope, doesn't matter does it, he's already betrayed you on a massive scale. Dickhead.

He may well want to sell the house, but as I understand things that's not his choice, the main concern is that the children are housed and their lives disrupted as little as possible. Glad you're getting advice. He doesn't get to dictate how things go. Selfish wanker.

They don't show remorse because that would rain on their imaginary grass-is-greener life and force them to the actually look at and perhaps attempt to address the gaping hole inside of them where their soul should be. Oohhhh. I have the rage.

Glad you got through the last few days, you're doing amazingly. Just keep going! xxx

@4piecesofCheeseontoast, so sorry to read this. Nothing I say will help ease the current pain. Be kind to yourself. CAB will give you good advice so well done for making an appointment. You will feel better when you start moving things forward. Know that you can come here to vent when you need to. We will hold your hand xx

@Tinydancer123, these men are beyond belief. So entitled! xx

@SuperbMonkey I meant to reply to one of your posts the other day when you talked about not having kids. Made me cry a bit. I think when this happens there's always a bit of "but what if". I wouldn't change a hair on my kids' heads, and if this shitstorm is the price I have to pay to have them in the world then that's worth paying. But also - I could have married someone who wanted me, who wanted this family we made, who invested and committed and cared and loved and would never have done this to the kids but also to me. If his "something was always missing, I always fancied her" thing is true, then I'm just so angry that he's stolen 15 years of my life and my chance of having a "normal" family, a long and happy marriage and all the rest of that fairytale.

It also really got to me when you said "second best all her married life" - that's exactly how I feel. It's all nonsense, they rewrite history to suit their narrative. But god it hurts. And while rationally I do believe this is all about him and his shit, there's a deep down part of me that still thinks there's something fundamentally broken with me that caused this, that there's got to be something lacking in me for him to have rejected me so thoroughly and walked away from our life and kids. Bleughhh.

Anyway I meant to reply at the time and have been thinking about it since, so just wanted to send a hand hold for that one (and the rest!)

Also I can do a brain dump about mediation if that would help, just let me know xxx

Cheese sadly something has already happened. It may not be physical but he has emotionally attached to her. This is what they never see that emotional is just as bad if not worse than physical.
Chin up all. Another week.
Another opportunity. 🌝

@caketimeisover, thank you for your lovely post, which I saw this morning. A brain dump on mediation would be very helpful, thank you.

Thank you too for empathising with my ‘no children’ post. I agree with every word of your first paragraph. This piece is the same, with or without children. It is possible to leave a long relationship with kindness, courtesy and respect. It isn’t necessary to be deliberately and wilfully cruel to your wife or long term partner by suggesting that you always loved someone else. That behaviour says everything about the morals and character of the cheater. They are cowards and bullies.

Cake, we all have flaws but most of us don’t behave like entitled kidadults. Most of us step up to the plate and act like grown ups. A mutual friend said that my STBXH is veering between misery and swaggering around with his little chest puffed out, fishing for compliments and acting like god’s gift to womankind. Poor long distance OW. It sounds as if her gilt is already wearing thin, again. The friend’s words to me were ‘I’m telling you this so that you know that you’re not missing much’. The friend said he was disgusted with the behaviour and had let that be known.

But it still hurts and I’m angry that I’m having to do all the work to end the marriage legally, while he makes next to no effort. Then I remember it was ever thus. I know I am better off without him, in spite of the pain. That knowledge doesn’t make the pain easier to bear. It is so tiring and emotionally exhausting.

Thank you for the handhold. The kind support and love on this thread has been life enriching and a positive to come out of the carnage.

Everyone, have a positive, focused, and happy as possible day. My last CBT session this morning. Then I’m off to brave corona virus at work. Lots of elbow bumping meetings. 🤗🤗

@Accidentalaccountant, thanks for those words. For me the emotional betrayal is worse then the physical. Mine wasn’t much of a lover, to be frank. Somewhat perfunctory! But the sharing of our secrets, cruel words about me, laughing together at me, the devaluation, are painful and unforgivable. And the never ending lies...

@4piecesofCheeseontoast, you are amazing, self-respect is oozing out from every pore, just like cheese on toast 😀. I hope the CAB give you a reason to feel a little more cheerful. Xx

Sending so many hugs to you all.
Cant say alot as I hit a slump last night.
Just how can they betray us and disrespect us after all those years of love and support and accepting the arseholez as they were.

Morning @Bigpooh13, and sorry that you are in a slump. It won’t last, the sun is shining. Are you seeing your solicitor today? I think I remember that. If so very good luck. Go kick some pudgy bottom! Xx

Aaarrrr Supberb . 🌟 thanks. Its tomorrow I see solicitor.

I'm going to a friends house today to see if I can repair n paint her windows while shes at work and she is going to pay me back in beauty treatments. So win win for me n her.

Just still cant believe this is my life now. So lonely . I've always been abit antisocial as I had a position where I managed 60 men and really didnt have time to meet new people.

@Bigpooh13, very good luck tomorrow. You won’t need it though. Your solicitor will help you through.

A pay back in beauty treatments is definitely a win-win. I have moments of not believing that this is my life now too. There are so many extra things to do, on top of the norm, and it’s tiring.

Have you thought about becoming a handywoman? You are obviously really practical. If you’ve managed 60 men you are a leader. If you can get a job it will make so much difference to your self-esteem.

Have a lovely, relaxing, painting day xx

Morning all, crappy night for me last night unfortunately which leaves me less competent today but I'll make the best of it.

@SuperbMonkey and @Bigpooh13 I really related to your posts this morning. The ease of their betrayal, disrespect and revisionism of your history together is what hits hardest. Feeling all that too.

Sorry I am so tired, am on the app so I'm failing to namecheck and directly support many of you but I hope we all glean something positive from today one way or another

@Supberb. Funny you say that as I used to renovate and do the diy o the houses we rent out as well as working on the farm. I was a prominent business manager which is another job I gave up for him. So stupid. I'm also assisting another friend a designer who I used to sew for. Yep my first job was dressmaking loved it. Before everything got made in China.
Me getting a job has become part of the divorce as my injury came from working on the farm and the solicitor is trying for maintenance as I'm unable to work like i used to 7 days a week .

Well he’s gone. I just ate a family sized bar of dairy milk in 7 minutes.

Well done @Feckthisshit2020 self love is what you need! I'm having a tough time atm too. My wankbadger told the kids the date he's getting married. They're all devastated. He really doesn't care and expects them to come along. Really unlikely any of them will choose to. And who picks up the pieces? Me of course. He's in some fantasy land and I hope it all crashes down on him (soon).

Hi All

Great start to the day! A puncture in my car tyre from a pothole, one of the thousands on the roads in my county! So CBT this morning (last session). Spotted puncture in break. Two kind car fanatics changed the wheel for the temporary spare in 10 minutes. I drove slowly to the garage. Car now having both front tyres changing (the other one was picked up at the MOT). I am on the way into work as the kind tyre men said I could pay and collect tomorrow morning. There are so many caring, generous, kind people about. Thank you 🙏

@thrivingnotjustsurviving, I’m sorry that you had a bad night. It is a very strange characteristic of a certain type of man. My GP described it as narcissism and ‘evil’. She said it’s a form of coercive control, to keep us vulnerable and lacking in confidence. Well we will show them they are wrong about that!

@Bigpooh13, ah, I understand where you’re coming from. No wonder he’s extra anxious 😀😀

@Feckthisshit2020, nothing like a chocolate hit for restoring order. You’ve done so well. 🤗

@Startoftheyear2020, you poor thing 🤗. The arrogance and lack of empathy of the man. They are supposed to smile and go along with what he wants. And as you say, you have to pick up the pieces. Let’s hope the karma bus is on its way!

@startoftheyear. What an asshole feel for you.
@feckthisshit. I've never eaten as much chocolate as I do now.
Hugs to you.
@@SuperbMonkey. Also to maintenance as I was financial supported by him. Which made me unemployed. Haha. What a bugger about your tyres but isnt it nice when you meet nice men.