Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@Bigpooh13, they were so kind and helpful. Car fixed and I will collect it before going to work tomorrow.

Maintenance too? It’s looking expensive for him. Good luck tomorrow. 🤗

Hi everyone. Hope you’ve had a good day in spite of the terrible weather (raining here). Let us know how your day has been and what small steps towards a happier life you’ve made. We can give a handhold if the day hasn’t been quite as good. ❤️

@Bigpooh13 good luck for your appointment tomorrow, @Feckthisshit2020 I am also currently eating a whole bar of chocolate anything to make the day a bit easier. @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies thinking about you and hoping today has been a bit better, @Superbmonkey isn’t it lovely to know there are some nice, decent men in the world, my achievement for today has been taking it easy and learning to feel comfortable in my own company again, I think I have been living on nerves and constant activity and distraction the past few months. Continuing to read the McKenna book and practice the exercises, also practicing @Bigpooh13 FO face for pick up tomorrow!
To the others on the thread keep putting one foot in front of the other and we will get there. X

@emmerdaledramaqueen.

I know how you feel about activity and drama an just learning to be with ones self it's so hard to get used to.
Get that FO face on its ace.

Thank you Superb.

I just wrote a massive thread and lost it. Essentially: thank you everyone for the mentions, sorry for being rubbish. I have been reading just feel so drained and sad. I’m thinking of you all.

He says he wants to go away and change and then come back. He says he doesn’t see our marriage as over. I had just got to a point where I had accepted it was and started to feel some hope for a future on my own. I don’t know if I could take him back. If I can forgive him not only for the affair but how he’s treated me the last 6 weeks - and before with hindsight. I don’t know how I would ever trust him again.

But I also don’t want to give birth alone. I don’t want to be a single mum to a tiny baby on my own. I don’t want to deny her the chance to bond with her dad, or him the chance to be the dad he was for our older kids.

I guess it’ll just be a question of playing it by ear. One day at a time remains the mantra because if she clicks her fingers he’ll be off again no doubt. Such a bloody headfuck when he starts behaving like the man I married though.

@Feckthisshit2020 just take it slowly. You don't need to jump when he says. He's hurt you and no one would judge you for taking your time to decide how, when and if things can ever go back to how they were. I'm scared that he could break your heart all over again 🌷

@Feckthisshit2020 this must be totally messing with your head, it's so unfair. I'm the same, I could almost forgive the affair, but it's the cruelty that went along with it that I don't think I'll ever get over.

You do whatever you need to. But I tell you what - you are strong and good and caring and if you need to do this alone you will be ok. You will kick ass. If it's really over, he can still be an involved dad, it wouldn't be the same as him living with you and you being together, but it will be fine because YOU will make it work. Right now try to stay focussed on yourself, the baby and the kids. This is his crisis, his crap behaviour and his circus. If he wants back in he's going to have to do something spectacular to win you over, really prove his worth, so don't settle for anything less.

I think a bit of time apart will help you work out what you really want. Surround yourself with a support network you know you can really rely on. Plan for him to not be around, and then see how it goes.

Massive hug. I'm so so sorry he's put you in this position.

Oh @Feckthisshit2020 I'm feeling for you too, what shitbag for doing this to you. As other posters have said only you can decide what you want to do but I think you know in your heart that you deserve better than this. You could definitely do this on your own if that's what you decide to do. Take your time over this decision but please have faith in yourself and your strength. Sending love x

@feckthisshit.

What a hard decision for you. He put you in this position. I agree with others needs to be a big improvement with his previous actions. Can you trust him again as 2nd guessing and constantly checking up on him and his actions will be so hard. Whatever you decide it's up to you . Remember how he has made you feel can you forgive that. What about her is she gonna stay quiet.

I’m not making any decisions now. I don’t trust him at all. May well be a different attitude tomorrow he’s probably just feeling rubbish in his shit rented place. I’m going to carry on working on the basis I’m on my own. If that’s going to change it’s going to need months if not years of work and I’m not sure he has it in him.

@Feckthisshit2020 it is so difficult when you see the person you were so in love with shining through but that other side is there. I think you are right to plan to be on your own and then decide if he’s really worth it and can sustain whatever change HE needs to make to make you feel secure and believe in him. You are a strong strong woman and I take my hat off to you. X

@Feckthisshit2020 I really feel for you. With the added hormones and pregnancy.
Please do what you feel is right we are all here for you. Take your time x

Ps I also second all that Emmerdale has said 😍

@Feckthisshit2020, you are being very sensible to take time to think, time apart from your H, to reach a decision. You are a strong person, with values. There’s nothing to lose if you work on the basis that you are doing this on your own. It’s up to him to change, to show you that he has changed, and that is going to be difficult for him. Everything everyone says so kindly above is right. Sleep well, relax, and see what happens. 🤗

Well the sorry was short lived. Text abuse now. So that answers that.

Feckthisshit. This is wrong. What's wrong with him. You are so much worthy of more than this. Cruel and disgusting.

I have to remember not to engage. Not to expect him to behave the way I would or anyone else I know and love would. I don’t know what’s going on with him but no longer my circus. Thank god he’s not here.

@Feckthisshit2020, it sounds as if he is trying various tactics to hoover you back in. So he’s nice, then horrible, then nice again. Whatever’s going on with him, you have to focus on yourself, which is what you’re doing. It’s difficult and you are being so strong. It’s not nice to get abuse by text (been there, got that T-shirt). You need some peace and quiet without his drama. I ignored, then blocked, mine when he was like this and I haven’t unblocked him. Life is so much more peaceful without the flouncing, and abuse, and hysteria, and sulking. As I said before sleep well and relax xx

@Feckthisshit2020 he sounds like a right arse! Passive agressive and a game player! Is he the one who refused to meet as he had fish fingers to eat?(forgive me if not, they all have such common selfish traits!). You know, nothing is set in stone and I know your hormones are all over the place etc but you don't have to make quick decisions here. For me, I would think.aboit his behaviour and upcoming events and how to counter his bullshit. So, instead of wishing the arse was at the birth(does he deserve to be?!) I'd be choosing a good friend or relative instead. Don't reach out the olive branch, he should be doing that to you! My ex collected more stuff today. Again I was absent. I had 3 texts all about it. I ignored them all and resisted the urge to give a sarcastic reply! Instead, I went out for lunch with a friend and kept busy. I've just looked through some photos and if eyes are the mirror to the soul, I can see what a c#&t he had become in some of these. We were away in a romantic setting and he looks completely disinterested and I knew even then that at the least he was messaging inappropriately. EA brewing nicely for him. It's made me GLAD, YES GLAD, we're no longer together because ladies, I (and you)deserve so much more. He has more stuff to collect, when will it end?! But it will and then I'm done. Sleep well sisters. We've all made progress of some sorts. 😚

That personality change seems to be a universal factor. It happens gradually as the emotional (or actual) affair ramps up until by the time you get to crunch point you are dealing with someone you no longer recognise. You might get glimmers of your once much loved partner but they are not real.

The reality is this new person is only able to cause us pain so we must take the emotional content out of our dealings with them. Yes there are things to discuss in regards to children and finances but we must take a business-like approach tom it all, though it is heartbreaking.

I've managed 3 days without having any contact and I am proud of myself.

I have also learnt far more details of his betrayal, his lies to me were bigger and deeper than he has admitted to me, or even perhaps to himself according to his self-centred long missive to me - in his mind the only lie he told that matters is the one he told himself, denying his 'true feelings' for his 'friend'. As I say, complete personality change that matches the duration of the affair.

I've also learnt more details about the other woman and my god he's in for a rough ride once the love bubble bursts. Karma's a bitch I hear...

Morning everyone. Life is hard! Not only are we dealing with all of the crap from our alleged life partners, but managing the rest of the crap that’s being thrown at the world at present. Not to mention the continual rain and gloomy weather bar the odd day of sunshine here and there. All you can do is laugh about it all. Otherwise I know I would be sitting in a corner curled up in a ball crying my eyes out. You really couldn’t make all of this up.

@Feckthisshit2020 I hope you managed to get some decent sleep and some peace.

@Sadsammy, I think it’s @Filly2011 who is married to Fish Finger Man. I still smile about that. You are sounding positive, strong, and looking forward to the future. I’m not there yet but hope to be so soon. The collection of ‘stuff’ seems to be something that has to be done at their convenience, as slowly as possible, with much texting and drama. You completely defuse their nuclear behaviour by not being there and ignoring the texts. I did the same as you and my approach obviously caused much annoyance. I was supposed to sit there watching and crying and, I expect, helping him to pack. Good for you for enjoying yourself instead.

@thrivingnotjustsurviving, morning fellow runner! It is heartbreaking but I keep recalling his ugly little face the last time I saw him, and that helps a lot. I’d been living with that misery for years and it had crushed every ounce of joy out of me. The OW, still strenuously denied, is welcome to him. The drip feeding of the truth is a painful part of this, as is the using of mutual friends to pass on information. I’m sorry that you have found out more, but so glad that the karma bus is coming. Well done for the no contact. It helps so much. And it does get easier with every day.

I’ve got another busy day but enjoyable. I hope everyone has time for some peace today to recharge those batteries. Much love. Xx

@SuperbMonkey and everyone. Yes, I am a fish Finger Wife (what must I have done in another life to deserve all this?!).

Have had 2 bits of contact with DH. Managed to keep calm (thanks to therapist advice about not getting completely pissed and screaming at him). He tells me he’s thinking of going on holiday in the summer on his own in his work van. To Europe apparently. I’m really not making this up!

Am just getting through each day setting small goals (read 3 chapters of book, clean bathroom, buy flowers, watch film etc.). It does help.

There is a really good book ‘manage your mind the mental fitness guide’ by Gillian Butler. I’m finding it very helpful. Just passing that on.

Have as good a day as you can everyone. It’s 10 months since first DDay for me and it does get easier despite slump days.
Hugs.

@Filly2011, I’m still smiling. I can’t imagine what you must have done in a previous life - tickled a trout to death perhaps? The image of your H surrounded by nearly stale fish fingers for me sums up the stupidity and futility of their behaviour as a midlife crisis band of brothers. Pointlessness!

And now yours is off on a road trip in his van! A sort of Partridge and Brydon hitting the open country, Coronavirus permitting, talking to ‘locals’ about deep philosophical topics and the shitty way he behaved towards his wife over a warm white wine. Lovely! Mine has ‘nothing nice going on in his life’ and thinks he ‘might move but doesn’t know where’. 🤦‍♀️

Thanks for the book recommendation. CBT is strong on writing down small goals. Yours sound lovely and relaxing. It’s hard to keep calm in the face of disordered thinking, but very satisfying. Lots of love and 🤗

@Filly2011 one for you on chumplady today:

www.chumplady.com/2020/03/grieving-the-affair-partner-and-other-bs/

@Filly2011 the idea of him trucking around in a work van has made me smile a lot, that sounds shit! Is he trying to make you jealous or feel sorry for him 😂

@SuperbMonkey the additional info has helped me out actually. The new depths are so subterranean by now that I don't think anything can touch me now, though I am braced for a real or imagined pregnancy announcement