How to get my partner to allow me a girls night out?

[smokedbacon]

Hi I've been with my partner for ten years we have three children under 5 and I'm mid 20s I've never ever been on a girls night out and I really want too.
He said no if I go he has to come or I can't go and I'll be breaking up our family and relationship for the sake of a night out.
I've never ever been out without him only to like the school runs shops or my mums or grandmas. What do I do?
He said if I go out I'll be cheating on him or I can't handle my drink or I'm using a girls night out as an excuse to meet men but I'm not.
I probably would only have two drinks as I don't really like it as much as I used too and plus having the children the next day would be difficult hungover.
I've never gave him a reason not to trust me he keeps telling me I don't love him and I'm a slag if I go but I haven't ever been out with my friends before and I really want to go but I guess it's not worth losing my relationship and family life over a night out is it?
Has anyone experienced this before??? I don't even know why I asked I know I shouldn't have to ask him but I did and it was vetoed straight away now it's gone to shite

I have goosebumps. I literally just finished watching an English crime show about a 31 year old Mother of 3 from Milton Keynes who was murdered by her abusive controlling husband. They had been together 10 yrs, he was 11 yrs older. She was planning to leave him after suffering years of abuse, You need to break away from your abuser but strategically & carefully. Utilise every resource available being very mindful of yours & your children’s safety. From what you’ve written, this man could prove to be very dangerous.

OP... you will find amazing support a wealth of advice kindness and good kick up the ass if needed on here.. Mumsnet is a phenomenal haven for 'all those things your Mother never told you' ...

Well done for seeing and accepting you and your children are isolated gas lighted manipulated and controlled.... the first step has been taken..

You sound like a very strong person to have put up with his crap for so long - you are capable of looking after your children alone, you still have people around you who could help which is a bonus as a lot of women in your situation don't even have that.
Like PPs have said, he's conditioned you to believe you can't do these things, because he wants you to be reliant on him.
Please do call Women's Aid and anyone else you think could help you - and don't tell him anything. I haven't been in an abusive relationship, but I do know the abuse gets worse when abusers think they're about to lose their control over someone.
Good luck to you and your children!

I think you'd be best breaking up rather than going on a night out, I don't think it's in your best interest to "test the waters".

Speak to womens aid, tell your family and friends everything, get your support ready

What he is doing to you is abuse. Noone has the right to treat you like this. If you want to go out then you have every right too. His behaviour is not your fault. Even if you do everything he wants he will find something you did wrong. You need to get out safely because he will get worse.

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports/news/a31487/what-is-coercive-control/

Fuxking hell OP your going to get to 30 and regret every year you wasted with this bastard. Does he go out? If so I can put money on he has played away. What the actual fuck!

Sweetheart, I never post on these threads, but you have been given some good advice about the need to leave. And you do. And when you do, you will be ok. I promise you.

But do be careful, as Lolapusht advises. Two hours ago you were asking whether you were wrong to want to go on a night out (you aren’t! That is good and normal and no one should stop you) and every single poster has told you that you should leave (and you should!). But that is a lot to get your head round in a short space of time, so keep talking. You should leave but you need to make a plan and gather a support network about you, and make sure you have what you need. Women’s Aid is a very good first place to go, and any friends or family nearby who you can trust. But you need to be careful and look after yourself as you do. You don’t say he is violent but he is (at best) controlling and emotionally abusive, and I would be very careful. Are you sure he isn’t checking your phone or keeping tabs on what you post? Make sure you talk to your Mum, and quickly. Tell her what you told us. And if she doubts you, find someone who believes you and can be there when you do pack up and go.

Google Coercive Control. That's what the link is about.

He's abusive op.

Let him leave and never let him back.

And yes, don’t go on the night out to test the waters. It won’t end well. You have every right to go where you want when you want but doing it won’t change his mind and will put you at risk.

I would feel horribly suffocated. I couldn't be with a man who treated me like his property.

it really IS worth losing your relationship over. He is an abusive arse and is effectively holding you prisoner

Has anyone experienced this before???

My brother-in-law's wife did. She rarely went out. Got called all sorts of names if she suggested it. She wasn't allowed have a Facebook account. He called her a slut because she had 1 boyfriend him. Even though he had numerous girlfriends. He regularly accused her of cheating on him. Even though she rarely left the house without their 2 children.

Turns out he was the one cheating. With prostitutes. Regularly.

Please look up the Women's Aid website. If course he tells you it's your fault he's like this. Because if it's not your fault it could only be his, and he's unlikely to admit he's wrong.

And he's not going to change.

I think it might be wise to pretend to give in about the night out. If you go ahead, he might leave or he might escalate and really hurt you, it isn't worth the risk.

You need to get rid of him though. Speak to everyone you can about this; your doctor, the council housing department, your family, your friends. Gather what help you can, get advice from Womens Aid and the Police and try to gather some money if it's possible. Look into the benefits you can claim as a single person with children. But be careful about your safety; you haven't really challenged his control of you yet, and have no way of knowing what will happen when you do.

You might also want to get a cheap phone, in case he is tracking yours. The police and WA have seen this all before and they will help you to protect yourself and your children.

"He keeps saying once he goes he won't come back..."

I think if he doesn't come back it'll be good for you and your kids. But he still needs to support them financially, they are his kids. And the break down of your relationship will be all on him for being an absolute arse.

"... I do think he will go I'm nervous to be on my own though as he says I can't cope without him but luckily where I live I know a lot of the people now so if I do get nervous being on my own I could message my friend downstairs or something. I think right now that's my biggest fear is being on my own because I never have been."

He's kept you very dependent on him, that's been his plan, I think.

He shouldn't be "allowing you" to do anything or saying no to anything. You are an adult.
It's up to you if you are happy to live like this or not.

Seriously OP, get out. In a normal relationship one half of a couple doesn't tell the other what they're allowed or not allowed to do.

OP speak to your friend downstairs. If her ex is in prison, she has (hopefully) had some support to recognise abuse. It doesn’t matter that this isn’t physical - it’s still not ok.
Time to start building a support network outside of your relationship. Your friend sounds like a good start.

I hope you’re packing his bags for him. I go on holiday alone without dh at least once a year and leave him home with the dc. It’s time to plan for the first day of the rest of your life. This is no way to live.

Hate to say it, but I agree, its abusive and controlled, and reminds me very much so of a relationship I started at 16 with a older guy, so I can promise you its not normal and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Me and DH regularly do our own things, he will go out for nights out and I'll go and visit friends for the day (as I dont drink nor enjoy clubs) and we regularly go out together even if it's just half a hour to the dessert shop, or ice cream shop. It's not normal to not be allowed out the house without your partner, but when you've been in the situation a long time it's hard to see that it's not normal, it's only when you leave the situation you realise how bad, toxic and abusive it actually was.

Speak to your family and start to think about your future and that of your kids. What you have written about him screams abusive relationship. This isn't normal. You need to get away from him and live your life for you and your children. He sounds absolutely vile

God this is awful.

Whatever happens, firstly you're going out tonight. You need to let him see he can't bully you like this. You do understand he's not leaving uou don't you, sadly for you.

Secondly you know you've a real problem, he's a controlling abusive bully to you. He got with you so young because women his own age wouldn't touch him. You were too young to know better.

You need to make plans to get him out. If you won't do this, then you need to make significant changes, the gym, friends etc and live your life.

You can't look back one day and think you lived like this, let your kids grow up seeing you live like this. And no it's not you that caused it. It's who he is.