Division of labour if one parent is a sahp

[Rockbox84]

I just wondered how other people work this.
I’m a sahm and I do everything.

Dh has a busy job but works from home so doesn’t get up until gone 8.30am. He’s usually finished by 5/5.30pm. He has dinner and then lies on the sofa for the rest of the evening. Saturday he goes out to golf / pub / see his mum and Sunday he gets up late and goes out in the afternoon.
I had to take dd down to out of hours the other week in the evening and we weren’t back until late but when we got back the dinner stuff was still everywhere, plates still on the table etc.

I think maybe every couple of months he empties the dishwasher. He’s never cooked anything or put the washing machine on. He does mow the lawn in the summer. When the children were smaller he didnt change a single nappy / do a feed day or night and he’s never done bath / story time.

I know in the week that it’s totally up to me - it’s my job and it’s pretty easy compared to his. But I am up at 6.30am every day, it’s 9pm by the time the children are in bed and then I come down and tidy up, get ready for school the next day, do the ironing etc. It’s not stressful or demanding but it is fairly relentless.

I just wondered how other people split things?

My question would be, does he want a relationship with his children? How does he see what a father is if he doesn't change nappies or do story?
The housework is a different matter and he needs to enter the 21st century.

We’ve two children. Both out of nappies now, thankfully. But yes - fairly low levels of involvement. He went through all my photos on my phone and moaned at length how he was barely on any of them. The reason being is because he’s either in bed, at work, watching tv, at golf of otherwise out 🤷🏼‍♀️

You'll get a real range of opinions on this. I was a SAHP parent for 7 years. My husband has a very stressful job (working more than 50 hours a week) that completely exhausts him, mentally and physically. I did everything! Don't get me wrong if I asked my husband to hoover or whatever he did it - BUT I generally did everything. When my DH had finished work it was really important to me (and the family in general) that he had quality time with the kids. OK he may have had a couple of free hours one evening but I wanted to see him playing with them, not cleaning the bathroom. I had enough time to do my chores and have lots of fun with the kids. I now work half-time and still do the majority of chores because I still have a lot more time. We have invested in a cleaner now though which has certainly made my life easier!

Yes - my dh does nothing with the children either. He finishes his dinner and goes straight into watch tv and puts sport / news on and that’s it. Stays there all night.

Fuck that. I'd get up as per normal on the Saturday, sort myself out and leave for the weekend.

It's completely unfair and you need to get it changed.

My DP would come home from work, cook dinner and then take the baby. I breastfed, but he's wake and take baby after the feed if he didnt settle.

He does absolutely anything and everything when hes home. Except laundry. He now works away 2 weeks at a time and on the weekend he's home he takes over house and child stuff.

He's even enrolled my daughter in school when id forgotten the date, he takes care of my girls like he does our son.

We never had the who does what and when. We're a family and we all pitch in. Your DH is taking the possible, you need to change it.

Well that's no good. I only did everything because I had the time and energy and I wanted him to spend his free time with the kids. He wanted to as well!

He should definitely be spending some proper time with his children at weekends. Not just incidental stuff, actually scheduled activity.
If he finishes work before 6 with no commute he has plenty of time to unload the dishwasher , in fact it should be his designated task!

where do some of you ladies find these chumps? literally your job is looking after everything home and kids.... Until he is available... then it should be 50/50...

GAAAAHHHHH how did you get into this position in the first place? Who did what before children???

Yes, who did do what before kids? Presumably all these men who are suddenly incapable of cleaning or cooking or doing any household chores managed to do them before kids? So it seems like instead of their life getting more difficult when kids arrive, it actually becomes easier! They no longer have to do any of the stuff they were doing before. If it wasn't so depressing, I'd find their ability to make life easier for themselves at the expense of their partner actually impressive!

It's got to be an agreement and you've both got to be happy with it. I'm a SAHM and DH works long hours, is out the house by half 7 every morning, gets back around 6 and does a couple more hours after DD goes to bed. Occasionally he works a day at the weekend as well although that's from home. During the week I do literally everything except bathtime and story time for DD, those are his jobs. When he isn't working we each do what needs doing as it comes up. If the bin is full and he uses it he'll empty. If the stairs need a vac he does it. If there's washing to do he puts a load on, just like any normal adult person.

It was the same before children when I was working. I did it all. But because I didn’t have the children my weekends were my own and more of my evenings.
I worked between having the children - although only 28 hours a week - and it was the same then.
We’ve been together 18 years and he’s never cooked a meal, used the washing machine or ironed a shirt.

The only fair solution is equal downtime. My DH works full time in a senior role, and since having children I have been both SAHM, WFH, part-time and full-time. I'm currently working 25 hours a week. I don't think it would ever have crossed my husband's mind that me working less would mean I automatically pick up all the responsibility for the household. How could that possibly be fair? If there is stuff to be done in the evening or on the weekend, we both pitch in until it is done. Some tasks fall more frequently to one of us (I almost always do the laundry, he does most of the kids homework) and some things are just done by whoever is nearest. And of course, we both have time from time to time away from the family to follow our own interests - I've never kept tabs on this but I think it is fairly equal. The idea of one of us lying around on the sofa watching the other person work is just unthinkable.

Your husband is a lazy bastard OP. I can't live with people like that.

This isn’t about you being a sahm. Your DH is a lazy bastard, isn’t interested in his own children and is living a separate life from you all.

I agree. He is very separate. The only time really it’s together is holidays. I never factor him into our weekend plans at all because I know he won’t be here. In the summer he goes and golfs at least twice a week as well.
It feels like it’s me and the children - and him.

To put it in perspective - I work all day, leaving at 5am and my DH stays at home with our DD. Yes he tidies up through the day, does the dishwasher, maybe puts a load of washing on BUT when i come home we see it as a 50/50 effort. I wouldn't dream of sitting down and expecting it done for me because I've been working - being a parent is hard work too, at times harder.

When do you get a break? A lie in or an afternoon to yourself? If your DH thinks only he is entitled to that because he works then he is very very wrong and you need to address it with him asap.

Hmm it’s a tough one. Because u are a sahm I think the jobs and chores are down to you. But not the children. I would be fuming if my OH was always busy every weekend and didn’t spend some of them with me and we don’t even have children yet. He should be far more involved with you guys as a family.

Kids love him though. Very appreciative when he does anything with them, which is usually watching tv.

My dh was the sahp for a few years while I worked and so I've seen it from the other side, getting in late from work and getting straight into small dc issues and all the bedtime stuff and housework. But you do it, because it's only fair and because you want to see your dc, though you are tired and stressed and want to put your feet up really. It's what being a parent is and it's what life is about actually.

They're appreciative because they are so desperate for whatever scraps of attention he gives them. I was the same with my dad. My mum did loads with me, holidays, days out, you name it, but my dad would do something really small like buy me an ice cream and I'd be so excited about it, because it was so fucking unusual.

DH does everything around the house that isn't DC-related, except washing up during the week, my carer does that.

I don’t really mind if he does nothing in the week. I just think it’s not the norm to know he won’t be around at the weekend either? Every weekend? He’s never taken them anywhere on his own - park, shop, swimming - whatever.

No actually he’s taken ds (9) to the cinema once.

My dad was like this, and i have zero relationship with him as an adult.

Mind you, my mum enables it , the owner of The Sacred Penis can't be expected to wipe his own arse do housework

Why did you do all the housework pre-kids?

You’ve been together 18 years and he’s got away with being a lazy arse all that time?
Sort him out! When he clicks off from work, you should leave the house and come back after bed time until he gets the message.