Division of labour if one parent is a sahp

[Rockbox84]

I just wondered how other people work this.
I’m a sahm and I do everything.

Dh has a busy job but works from home so doesn’t get up until gone 8.30am. He’s usually finished by 5/5.30pm. He has dinner and then lies on the sofa for the rest of the evening. Saturday he goes out to golf / pub / see his mum and Sunday he gets up late and goes out in the afternoon.
I had to take dd down to out of hours the other week in the evening and we weren’t back until late but when we got back the dinner stuff was still everywhere, plates still on the table etc.

I think maybe every couple of months he empties the dishwasher. He’s never cooked anything or put the washing machine on. He does mow the lawn in the summer. When the children were smaller he didnt change a single nappy / do a feed day or night and he’s never done bath / story time.

I know in the week that it’s totally up to me - it’s my job and it’s pretty easy compared to his. But I am up at 6.30am every day, it’s 9pm by the time the children are in bed and then I come down and tidy up, get ready for school the next day, do the ironing etc. It’s not stressful or demanding but it is fairly relentless.

I just wondered how other people split things?

Point out to him that if you divorce he'll be expected to look after the children at least every other weekend...

Do you have any hobbies and how often do you see your friends? He needs forcing to get into a new routine. Book an evening class, gym class or join the wi. Make it regular so he has to step up. He works from home, so he can do the school run at least once a week. I work full-time and my husband is a SAHP. When I'm working from home I like to do the school run and I've spent my day off cleaning. (with the occasional break for mumsnet)
He's never going to offer so you'll have to tell him what you want him to do. "You do bedtime tonight and I'll stack the dishwasher. It'll be nice for you to spend time with the children." "The bathroom could do with a clean today. The cleaning stuff is in the cupboard." Demand more.
The weekend thing is really weird!

I am a SAHP at present. In addition to childcare during the day, I do all washing, ironing, food shopping etc. We have a cleaner fortnightly but I do bits in between where needed. My partner works 8-6 in a moderately stressful job. However when he comes home/weekend everything is split 50:50. We both cook dinner, we split the clear up. Childcare is mostly 50:50.

Just because you don't get paid and you work in the home, it doesn't mean that you don't deserve a rest in the evening. If 2 people do the chores then its done twice as fast. No way would I put up with someone not lifting a finger. If I were you, I would stop doing things around the house the moment he 'rests' in the evening. Things will soon start to build up and he will hopefully see how much you do.

Your husband seems to do nothing with the children and very little with you.

I’d be getting a job and my own pension ASAP if I were you-he sounds like he could up and go without a backward glance at any of you and leave you with nothing.

Both mine are at school (and I worked FT before the youngest started school, when I quit, because it was just too much).
During the week, DH: gets his own breakfast, washes up after dinner (I load the dishwasher with the kids if we eat before he gets home).
At the weekend: he usually cooks 2 meals, washes a car (because I would do it about once every 3 months, and aparently this isnt good enough!), and the kids are 50:50.
It was far more 50:50 when we both worked.

I divided the household tasks into house and family/Kids and split the latter and do most of the former.
So my husband would pick up a child from a hobby en route from finishing work. Or he takes them to hobbies at the weekend. He does more that half the bedtimes once they were 2/3 years old and he’d clean up the kitchen while I did kids baths or vice versa.

It’s a partnership not a competition.

He could up and go but I don’t think he would. Why would he? There’s no reason to.

On the odd evening I go out my dd has to be asleep before I go and then when I get back everything has been left as it was when I went out. Ds being older basically takes himself to bed now so not such an issue. He is ready for bed before I go though, even if not asleep. Dd doesn’t go to sleep until 8pm (just her natural time and she doesn’t nap) so it’s always a rush to get out.

Well his 9-5 work-from-home job certainly sounds busy and overwhelming that he couldn’t possibly be expected to contribute anything at home

Why is he even in the house with you? He seems to act like you don't exist.

Why are you living with someone who isn't doing any parenting?

Nor any housework, nor any interacting even?

The whole thing sounds utterly horrific and you sound completely passive about it.

Please use this thread to change your life .

Do you like this man? If yes then try and change things. Which will be easy because there are about 1001 things to change.

If you don't then tell you him want to divorce and get yourself some freedom. Shame he won't have a clue what you do when the kids stay with him though ......

He sounds the most selfish, lazy, stupid and hideous person.

Why have you enabled this behaviour for 18 years?

Have you ever discussed it? Ever told him what you need from him?

He has always been like this - so why are you expecting him to change now? He is not going to wake up one morning and magically 'get' it.

You have a lodger, not a partner. So what are you going to do about it? I would be setting out your expectations clearly, giving him one month to shape up, and then I honestly would dump his arse. I don't think you would notice any difference, to be honest.

Actually, think on that - your life without him would be exactly the same as your life with him.

I work in a very busy job which I literally dont sit down all day sometimes and believe me it's still easier than looking after my one child. So please don't allow him to do nothing the rest of the time, while he's at work you do it all but the rest of the time should be 50/50.

Yes it would - apart from special occasions and holidays. It’s true. It would.

In terms of what's 'normal' though - he should be getting up half an hour earlier to at least see his children's faces before he starts work. At 530, he should be playing with them or cooking dinner. After dinner, person who cooked either starts bedtime (depending on the age of the children) or has some cosy downtime with them while the other cleans up. Any other chores should be split - although as a sahp I would probably expect most of the things like cleaning to be done during the day by you.

Weekends - you each get a turn at a lie-in. One 'session' of the weekend for hobbies each, so if he wants to play golf on Sat afternoon that's fine - but you can go and do something you like on Sunday. Rest of the time is family time. Go to the park, do something nice with the kids, go for pizza, watch a film together with a bottle of wine at night...

Currently he is gone all day on a Saturday. He leaves at 8.30am and isn’t back until about 6pm. He golfs first and then sees his mates or his mum afterwards.
Maybe I will show him this thread.

When my DC we’re young I did everything at home and got it all done during the week so we could have the weekend completely free for fun family stuff.
I think you’ve got two different issues

1. Lack of family time at the weekend as I your DH is off doing his own thing.
2. The evenings and tidying away , ironing etc . Could you do these chores during the day? I know it’s not what your asking but at least then you’d get the evenings to relax.

He does this because you have allowed and enabled it for years. Did he ever spend Saturdays with you before the DC?

I couldn't live like this. You are single parent with a lodger.

No don’t show him this thread.

He is not going to suddenly go ‘oh my gosh you are so right I am lazy at home aren’t I, now here’s a cup of tea while I take the DC out’. All you’ll get is a mouthful of abuse about how wrong we are. Anyway this needs to be your place to be able to talk without him knowing.

Think about the example he’s setting to the DC. They’ll grow up copying his behaviour.

I'm not a sahp as such but am on maternity leave just now with three kids under the age of five at home.

I do pretty much all the 'housework', so cooking, cleaning and laundry, and obviously do all the childcare related stuff when I'm at home alone. DH does very little housework stuff but when he gets in from work or on the weekends he does most of the 'childcare' - nappies, playing, feeding etc. He also takes the older kids to the park/football etc when I need a break or they need entertainment! He also does 50% of the night feeds with the baby, whether he's working or not.

I think it's pretty fair and am happy with this.

Before I had the children it was the same. He’s always been gone most of the weekend. Certainly Saturdays. Often two / three nights in the week before children. It didn’t bother me so much then though as now it annoys me on the children’s behalf.
I get as much as I can done in the day but dd is 2 and hasn’t napped since she was 12 months. I find the ironing the hardest thing to get through in the day because she won’t occupy herself for long, I appreciate it won’t always be like this though.

As ToastandCheese says, think about the example this sets to your DC. Do you want your DS growing up thinking husbands and fathers don't get involved with family life? Do you want your DD to be a doormat like you?

Have you tried talking to him and saying you’d like him to do things with his DC at the weekend and some help in the evenings?

What would he say if you asked him to take the DC to the park on Sunday so you can get all the ironing for example done?

I’ve mentioned weekends and he says he will give up one weekend a month for us but it never lasts. It happens one month but then back to normal again after.

I think you have to be more assertive, tell him you’re doing such and such with a friend on the weekend and just go out.