Division of labour if one parent is a sahp

[Rockbox84]

I just wondered how other people work this.
I’m a sahm and I do everything.

Dh has a busy job but works from home so doesn’t get up until gone 8.30am. He’s usually finished by 5/5.30pm. He has dinner and then lies on the sofa for the rest of the evening. Saturday he goes out to golf / pub / see his mum and Sunday he gets up late and goes out in the afternoon.
I had to take dd down to out of hours the other week in the evening and we weren’t back until late but when we got back the dinner stuff was still everywhere, plates still on the table etc.

I think maybe every couple of months he empties the dishwasher. He’s never cooked anything or put the washing machine on. He does mow the lawn in the summer. When the children were smaller he didnt change a single nappy / do a feed day or night and he’s never done bath / story time.

I know in the week that it’s totally up to me - it’s my job and it’s pretty easy compared to his. But I am up at 6.30am every day, it’s 9pm by the time the children are in bed and then I come down and tidy up, get ready for school the next day, do the ironing etc. It’s not stressful or demanding but it is fairly relentless.

I just wondered how other people split things?

I can manage the housework stuff.

It's not about 'managing'

What's the point of talking to him about the kids? If he was interested or cared he'd be there.

Is this what you want for them? For your life?

What's your relationship like, OP? Do you enjoy your time together? Do you spend any time together? Do you feel loved? Do you get attention and affection without having to ask? Does he appreciate who you are - your hopes and dreams? Do you love him? What qualities does he have? As far as I can see, he doesn't want a partnership partly because he has no idea what one is?

Do his friends have children? What do they think? Do you ever socialise together? Perhaps they could give him a good talking to. I bet any female friends or wives of male friends would love your permission to tell him to buck up.

What job is he doing and are you privy to all finances?

It doesn't matter that you're a SAHP, he's not pulling his weight full stop. I can't imagine just coming home and doing nothing or not spending quality time with the kids, and the same for DP. I do most of the housework as I work from home. I finish at 5:30 like your OH but I'm doing housework. Then DP comes in and will do quick things like dishes or put away laundry. And we both get involved in DS's bedroom routine.

Your OH sounds lazy and uncaring and I bet you'd all be much happier without him.

Do you ever get to do anything for yourself? See friends etc?
You really should take up some classes in the evenings, get out and about more and get some fun and good adult company in your life because he sure as hell isn't giving you any!!

If he complains that he doesn't want to babysit then tell him to hire someone else to come in and watch them while he lazes on the couch.

Ugh. He sounds awful!

OP you sound so downtrodden my heart goes out to you. Does he do anything for you at all? I mean really you sound like a servant in your own home. This can’t be what you want from your life x

I posted before I read the whole thread and I literally cannot believe that you dated him once you realised he was still be mothered at 30, let alone married him and have stayed with him for 18 years!

A friend of mine, her partner was very much the same, he never looked after the kids or he did so on a handful of ocassions grudgingly.

They have since broken up and he sees the kids more often now (and she gets more downtime) cos he seems them EOW....

It was the same before children when I was working. I did it all. But because I didn’t have the children my weekends were my own and more of my evenings.
I worked between having the children - although only 28 hours a week - and it was the same then.
We’ve been together 18 years and he’s never cooked a meal, used the washing machine or ironed a shirt.

And you found him attractive enough to shag, marry, have kids with? Why? Your bar is so low a flea could limbo under it. And whilst women are not responsible for men's behaviour they are responsible for theirs. You have to have standards well below seal level to have given this man the time of day, what a thundercunt, actually permitting his mum to clean his fucking house and wipe his arse.

He has zero respect for women, for you, for his family. He's a lazy arse parasite.

But you enable it.

This isn't a SAHP problem, it's a dickhead husband problem.

It's no good blaming the OP for marrying him. Some men seem to have a complete character transformation when the first child arrives. Mine certainly did. He went from enlightened and respectful equal partner to oppressive, misogynistic shirker as soon as our first (special needs) baby arrived. Then dumped the whole shebang on me and made it impossible for me to be equally salaried by not pitching in at all. It became 'my job', and my actual job became some sort of optional dalliance to him.

I think certain men suddenly realise how much work and sacrifice is involved once a child has arrived and their way of shirking this is to make it all but impossible for the wife to work so that it all becomes HER job because she's not working full time and he is. Or she earns less, which makes her job the lesser important job and his the more important.

Once you are stuck in this miserable dependency situation, it is very hard to end the marriage. Or complain, when you aren't contributing financially as much as he. It is also pretty difficult to justify walking out of a marriage because he doesn't do any housework or cooking, or babysitting, (when everyone thinks 'but you are a sahm, it's your job'.

I understand the OP. You get trapped and your options become limited. In my case I couldn't stand it and ended my marriage but that's because I actually hated him because of all of this and it was easy. The OP still loves her husband and wants him to change.

But he’s been this way for 18 years, why would he change now? He hasn’t before.

I know. As I said in a much earlier post, I don't think these men can change. I'm just saying it's easier to end the marriage and walk away if you don't love them anymore.

In the OPs case, she still loves him and so won't just chuck him out and revel in how much better life is without him. She will continue to try to get him to change. Another poster upthread apparently did change her husband after going to war with him and making the changes herself that he had to comply with.

He is taking the piss and you are letting him treat you like a doormat. Announce the change. I’m away this weekend and will be taking time for myself every weekend so you can actually do something with your children. Fuck that for a joke.

Your dh is an utter twat. I'm a sahm, infact all my dc are now at school and I'm in my final year of uni with the ou so home pretty much 24/7. I do the majority of cleaning and cooking monday to friday when the dc are not here but he gets stuck in at the weekend. he gets up early every morning to make the 4 dc breakfast and lunch, he does all the dishes of a morning and night, he puts on a wash/put in dryer, I do washes during the day and put the dry stuff on our bed which he puts away when he gets home. Cooking food and doing ALL dishes at the weekend is his job. Shock horror, he was fucking brilliant at night feeds, he's a winner!!!

When I found messages on my now exP's phone and I considered was our relationship worth salvaging, this was one of the various reasons not to. I'd bought this up and we argued about this kind of thing over the years to not much if any change.
Raise the issue - even if you have accepted/just got on with it up to now, people change, you've changed and now it's not acceptable to you. He has to change his ways and values, he's living a single life within the family home. Same as my exP who is now living a single life outside of the family home. These values will be a non-negotiable in any future relationship I have.
I hope you find the strength to deal without this issue and I hope he see's sense!

I agree with pascalstriangle... as in any long term relationship things evolve slowly over time, and then you realise how rubbish it is! And it's all very well telling her to leave him, but you have to be realistic about choices. The OP isn't the first person to be disappointed with how their partner has shaped up as a parent. The warning signs were probably there, but sometimes it's just the way it pans out. It may be crunch time. Good luck OP

He won’t have them both awake on his own
He will when he has to have them every other weekend on his own!!
Although, mummy will probably help him.
What a fucking shit life for you and your DC.
What a fucking awful example of a relationship to be showing them as well.
They will choose someone like their dad or be just like their dad.
Would you want this life for them?
NO you wouldn't.
So don't want it for you!!!
Want better for yourself.

My first step would be going away for the weekend and leaving him to it.
Tell him you are going this weekend and he will have to look after the kids and the house as he will need to get used to it because you've had enough and will be leaving unless he steps up.

You have enabled this though OP.
You should never have done everything.
I was with my ExH for 15 years. I think I ironed his stuff maybe once or twice.
I don't do ironing.

I was with my ExP for 6 years and never once did his washing or his ironing.
He's a fucking grown up and he can do his own.
I'm not their mother.

I'm seriously seething for your OP.
Grow a back bone. Pull up your big girl pants and fucking tell him.
Imagine how much easier your life will be without him there!?
Stop enabling this piss poor behaviour.
Show your DC that grown ups do their fair share of chores and child care.
And get away for a weekend and enjoy some YOU time!

What is the point of this useless man? Literally the only thing he brings to your family is money, and he would still have to pay maintenance if you divorce him.

In contrast, my DP is also out of the house 8.30-5.30
We both get up at 7am and get the kids ready between us
I do shopping, cooking, hoovering, laundry etc during the day
He gets home as the kids are eating tea and immediately pitches in to clean up and take the older ones out to clubs
He does at least half of bath and bed times
We take turns making our dinner and clearing up. He will load the dishwasher and put away laundry in the evening, get children's clothes and school bags ready for the next day.

At the weekends he takes kids to swimming lessons, we go out as a family, and sometimes I go out or go away for the weekend and he does everything.

Thats normal.

As well as the weekend, he should do some of the stuff on the evenings, as he's not at work then. He has no less responsibility to do that outside of his working hours than you.

OP what use will a talk do if you've already had them, what are the consequences for him if he doesn't change. Your waiting for him to be a better person but he just isn't.

He's watched his 9 year old grow up and hasn't cared.

Stop doing his ironing, in the evening you plonk the 2 year old with him and say he's doing bath/bed then you go out to the gym, bar, cinema.
He won't change unless forced.

I just can’t comprehend this. Why be with someone who treats you like an appliance and your children pretty much like they don’t exist? So they sometimes get to watch a little tv with him- they might as well be a sofa cushion, they’d get more attention from him. Op, he’s checked out of parenting, out of being a husband. Why don’t you just stop doing things for him until he does some chores and parenting every single weekend? Till then he can iron his own shirts and cook his own meals- his work from home job is an absolute pisstake compared to most hard working provider parents.
Otherwise you will never ever ever get to retire. He will retire and sit around on his bum all day, while you cook and clean and run around after him. I can’t think of anything worse.

It's bloody Groundhog Day on mumsnet, every day some woman saying her other half does fuck all.
Why are their standards so low?

Frankly if a bloke has done nothing for a dozen years, he's never going to change