Division of labour if one parent is a sahp

[Rockbox84]

I just wondered how other people work this.
I’m a sahm and I do everything.

Dh has a busy job but works from home so doesn’t get up until gone 8.30am. He’s usually finished by 5/5.30pm. He has dinner and then lies on the sofa for the rest of the evening. Saturday he goes out to golf / pub / see his mum and Sunday he gets up late and goes out in the afternoon.
I had to take dd down to out of hours the other week in the evening and we weren’t back until late but when we got back the dinner stuff was still everywhere, plates still on the table etc.

I think maybe every couple of months he empties the dishwasher. He’s never cooked anything or put the washing machine on. He does mow the lawn in the summer. When the children were smaller he didnt change a single nappy / do a feed day or night and he’s never done bath / story time.

I know in the week that it’s totally up to me - it’s my job and it’s pretty easy compared to his. But I am up at 6.30am every day, it’s 9pm by the time the children are in bed and then I come down and tidy up, get ready for school the next day, do the ironing etc. It’s not stressful or demanding but it is fairly relentless.

I just wondered how other people split things?

OP, I actually think it's fine for one person to catch up on the ironing in the evening - it's not a toddler-friendly activity at all. But it's not the fact that sometimes you do chores at night, it's the fact that your husband is completely absent from the fabric of your joint lives.

He's trained your children to perform for crumbs of affection already, you need to break the cycle.

I can’t work out why or how it didn’t bother you Pre children. Why did you marry someone you never spent any time with?

We used to have Sundays together. Before the children.

This is bizarre. Clearly you can see it's not okay in terms of workload, but why on earth do you stay with someone who clearly isn't interested in your or your children? He sounds awful.

DH is at home for the kids, although he also works part time for around 10 hours a week (more if you factor in travel etc). He does the bulk of the cleaning and laundry as he can do those when the DC are at school and he's not working. But otherwise, things are split. I tend to do more cooking and shopping and tidying up after dinner (okay ,95%)but he does the bulk of the admin and paperwork, bins, DIY etc. And while I'm cooking etc he's usually sorting kids, tidying up, getting ready for school the next day etc. Weekends we have a divide and conquer approach a lot of the time as kids have different activities and the rest is split between family time or one of us having the kids while the other one gets a break. I do tend to be sitting on the couch in the evening earlier than him, but that's because he often prefers to use that time to do laundry or whatever rather than rushing around during the day and once kids are sorted he gets to sit down while I'm doing dinner or having night time cuddles.

More importantly though, we are a team and we both spend time with each other and with the dc together and apart.

He obviously doesn't see everything you do as being work, or he'd realise that you need down time. This is great because it means it won't be too much bother for him to take on some of this (in his eyes) non-work so you can bugger off for a weekend a month to have some time to yourself!

He can't have it both ways:

It's so much hard work that he can't possibly do any of it, in which case you need regular down time.

Or:

It's such easy work looking after children and a home, that he can do some of it when he's not doing his paid work with no bother!

As to why anyone would stay in such a situation: I expect being a SAHP in a marriage, with a family home and regular family income is a much more pleasant life in a lot of ways than being a single SAHP on benefits.

To all the people who say don't do it and he'll soon change... I stopped doing some of our housework. We slept in separate bedrooms so I stopped cleaning his room. Everything he didn't tidy up from the rest of the house I took upstairs to his room.

One day the police came round about something else, declared his room so bad that they barricaded the door so the kids couldn't get in and raised a safeguarding concern to social services because if he wasn't capable of keeping his room safe he wasn't capable of looking after the kids unattended.

I left a couple of weeks later.

Simply not doing the chores doesn't change men like that, it causes arguments and resentment - from you because nothing is changing, from them because something has changed. But their behaviour doesn't usually change.

Run.

@KellyHall it depends on how much you're doing. I live with just my 2 kids now as a single parent, it takes me ten mins to tidy up when they go to bed. I only have our ironing, they don't leave stuff lying around like the ex did. I keep on top of it in less than half an hour a day for cleaning, tidying, laundry etc. It's far more pleasant than living with him! (I don't claim benefits though, I'd imagine if you were hard uo it would be tougher, but emotionally it's far nicer without all that work! I have a doss easy life without him!!)

We’ve been together 18 years and he’s never cooked a meal, used the washing machine or ironed a shirt.

Why have you put up with this for so long? And sorry, but if you've enabled it for 18 year, he has no reason to want to change now.

I do feel sorry for the kids though, it sounds as if he doesn't even know them. And it sounds like a very lonely life for you.

You'd probably have less to do if he left as at least you wouldn't be clearing up/waiting on him hand and foot.

What would happen if you made plans to meet a friend for an evening and told him that was happening and that he was in charge of getting the kids to bed? Then just left him to it?

I don't think it's necessarily harder being a single parent. There's nothing to say the OP will have to go on benefits but if she did, there's nothing to say she wouldn't manage fine until she got a job. Living with someone who acts like you're nothing is incredibly draining - it makes you feel worthless, disregarded and disrespected. If the OP left her husband, he would still need to pay money towards the children (whether he would or not is another question) and he would, in theory, need to look after them, really look after them, feed them, wash them etc for at least one or two nights a week. So the OP would get rid of the lazy, disrespectful lodger and also have a couple or more nights free a week. Win. There is very little downside for her personally IMO.

Sorry, just saw your update.

I’ve mentioned weekends and he says he will give up one weekend a month for us

Sorry, but he's a selfish, lazy, entitled man-child. Make plans to leave. Seriously. Your life will be so much better without him.

I mean, you know he's awful round the house and pretty much treats the place like a hotel, but some women are ok with that. But how can you be ok with him being such a shit dad?! The weekends thing is disgraceful - does he not want to see you and his children?!

Listen to your language "give up a weekend"! My favourite weekends are spent with my family (admittedly, not doing housework) Why aren't his?

What BlingLoving said!!! OP this is just so sara

You might as well be a single parent. He seems not to care if you are there or not. He does nothing with you, he’s not interested in you or the DC. Do you ever go out together? Do you spend anytime together at all? Do you even have sex?

Sadly after 18 years I don’t think you can change this :/ you’re either willing to put up with it or not

Sad!

Hi @Rockbox84 I’ve been a SAHM for the last 15 years.
DH irons his own shirts, will load and unload dishwasher and often puts a load on washing on before he goes to work.
If I ask him he will do other things.
What he does not do and never has done is : participate in the morning routine with the kids.
He is dreadful at diy and hates it so we get someone in for that.
When the kids were younger then he would play with them. He always has some down time in the evening every day - at least 30-40 minutes. But he is more pleasant and relaxed so I don’t mind too much
He also has a stressful job. Works long hours and is a boarderline work aholic.
When the kids were younger we would go in family days out most weekends - this worked for us because out of the house means I’m away from it, can’t see it and get a break from housework. Kids and DH need to interact. It wasn’t always fancy, often we would go for a walk or go to the park.
One a year I would leave for a weekend to visit friends or family and DH would be in charge.
It sounds like he could do more but it might take you explaining why and being quite specific about what you want help with.

When you’re home and he’s at work, you do everything. When he isn’t working, it’s 50/50. I’m not a SAHP, but when I was at home, dh was up the same time I was, did his share of everything when not working, and we each got time away for fun. It sounds like you have two children here.

Very sad for your DCs. They will not get to know their father or have any memories of him, other than him watching TV or going out and leaving them. He imagines they will love him anyway and while they are young they will crave his affection because they so rarely experience it. When they grow up he will be a selfish stranger to them so why would they want to spend any time with him then, when they have their own lives to live and he has give them no love when they needed it.

Wow. This is crazy. Its really a much bigger problem than just housework. It's an issue which isn't going to be fixed by him cooking dinner a couple of night a week or running a hoover round. As PP have said, he is completely separate from your family life. He is like a lodger.

I don't know how you would even try to get him involved in family life. It's like he is living as a single man at home with his mum or something. I think some really honest conversations are needed. More than 'giving up' a weekend is needed. You will see from his reactions how much he wants to be involved with you and his children. I doesn't look good.

When they grow up your children won’t have any relationship with him, because he won’t know them and has never tried.

Why after golf does he go to see (friends) his mum on a Saturday but not take your children?

Because they live over by the golf course so he just goes straight there. And usually I take the children out for the day now. We don’t sit at home waiting for him to come back. We’ve been loads of places, I don’t want them to miss out.

One weekend a month and he can’t even stick to that! OP this is tragic. Is this how you want to spend your one precious life?

Unfortunately you have to start as you mean to go on... He's not chipped in for 18 years so he'll resist change if you suggest him helping out more. However he could easily pack in having a day to himself every weekend... Maybe just now and again have a game of golf, and now and again you could go off too and have some time. That's fair. Some people think if they work full time and the partner stays home it entitles them to do nothing around the house and they are more deserving and entitled to time for themselves. It's hard if it's a gradual process over many years then you suddenly realise god this is a rubbish situation. A talk is needed. Good luck

His mother doesn’t help because she is very much of the opinion that men need to relax after a hard week at work. She also describes it as babysitting if he does have the children in the evening (when at least one is asleep).