Division of labour if one parent is a sahp

[Rockbox84]

I just wondered how other people work this.
I’m a sahm and I do everything.

Dh has a busy job but works from home so doesn’t get up until gone 8.30am. He’s usually finished by 5/5.30pm. He has dinner and then lies on the sofa for the rest of the evening. Saturday he goes out to golf / pub / see his mum and Sunday he gets up late and goes out in the afternoon.
I had to take dd down to out of hours the other week in the evening and we weren’t back until late but when we got back the dinner stuff was still everywhere, plates still on the table etc.

I think maybe every couple of months he empties the dishwasher. He’s never cooked anything or put the washing machine on. He does mow the lawn in the summer. When the children were smaller he didnt change a single nappy / do a feed day or night and he’s never done bath / story time.

I know in the week that it’s totally up to me - it’s my job and it’s pretty easy compared to his. But I am up at 6.30am every day, it’s 9pm by the time the children are in bed and then I come down and tidy up, get ready for school the next day, do the ironing etc. It’s not stressful or demanding but it is fairly relentless.

I just wondered how other people split things?

He’s not even working hard! I work 50 hours a week minimum plus commuting (DH is SAHP) and I do school runs, cooking, some cleaning, homework, gardening, put kids to bed 6 nights a week. Your DH is a lazy bum, sorry.

I think it’s tricky If dp works long hours because they just want to relax at home so can be a bit tricky to ask them the help. I am a SAHP and i do all the cooking/housework in the week (dp will still help unload the dishwasher and clear up) but on the weekends it’s more 50/50. Or closer to that anyway. If they haven’t been doing it for a while I agree it’s hard to change but maybe you can try to introduce them doing
More gradually?

Oh he saw you coming didn't he OP...... Can I ask what you get from this relationship besides being run ragged??

Ask him what year he thinks it is - 1950?

He needs to do much much more otherwise when us your downtime to relax?

Clearly his mother is to blame!

No a women is never to blame for a man’s behaviour. He is an adult and he has made a decision to behave this way.

My sister has ended up in a relationship like this but worse. She works longer hours than him and still does 90% of the child related stuff and all of the house stuff. I really don’t get it, it was definitely not the example set to us by our parents. Yes my mother did the majority of the stuff as she was large a sahp expect for a few hours on a Saturday morning and my Dad did work long hours. But my had house jobs he did on a Saturday and Sunday was always his day for cooking.

Average will always depend on families and circumstances. We have a 3 year old and a 6 months old and a cleaner once a week. DH does small amounts of DIY, mostly empties the dishwasher in the morning, spends 30 min in the mornings with both kids doing breakfast and teeth, cleans the kitchen on evening, baths the kids and puts the 3 yr old to bed. I imagine next year when the baby is less clingy and 3 year old is in school he will do less but then I’m hoping there will be less for us to both do.

Wow why have you enabled this for 18 years!!!!
Just because his mum thinks that women should be doormats doesn't mean you have to comply.
It infuriates me when people say dads are babysitting their children - no they're not - they're being dads FFS!!!
Tell him golf is off next Saturday - you're going out and the kids are his for the day and go and do something for yourself.
Really tho OP - why on earth have you allowed this to go on for 18 years - what about you, your needs, your social life.
Have you asked him if it even bothers him that it makes you unhappy?

I'm a sahm. I do whatever housework I can during the day including cooking dinner. When dh gets home, we split everything. He washes up and baths the kids then we share bedtimes. He's always done 50% of the night time wake ups too.

Why should his day end at 5pm and mine carries on 24/7? I realise I'm lucky but he now has a fantastic relationship with the kids and it genuinely feels like we're a team. He does his share because he couldn't stand to watch someone he loves running themselves ragged while he sat on his arse.

Can you explain why you tolerate this? Why you’re showing such an awful example of ‘marriage’ and women’s roles to your kids? You're just going to choose being treated like shit all just so you have a man? Appalling.

Jesus, Op, this is awful! Leave him. Divorce him.

Do you have daughters?

I’m just wondering if he’s gone from his Mum doing everything for him pre you, to you continuing on in the same vein? Why can’t he be up doing the breakfast each morning and at the very least doing the evening meal cleanup? Sahm or not there needs to be some definite changes here imo. Good luck.

Yeah he lived on his own before me but his mum came and cleaned twice and week, filled his fridge and freezer with home cooked meals, took his washing and washed and ironed it and mowed the lawn for him. He was 30 when we met so that’s pretty bad.
The housework doesn’t bother me as much as not doing anything with the children. That bothers me much more, that he’s never done or wanted to do bedtime, bathtime etc.

If DH was not working and I had to shoulder the entire financial burden I would expect all of the household tasks to fall to him. It wouldn’t happen though as I’m not prepared to be the sole earner and don’t want the children seeing that model.

Everything is 50/50 here, I expect no less. We both work full time so it’s only fair.

He's never done bath time???

Wow - he’s even lazier than my DH!!

The going off on his own at weekends is taking the piss! I’d flip if my dh thought it was ok to then be going off playing golf then to the pub every weekend - I Thought men like that had died out now and that’s why all the pubs are shutting?

Nope he’s never done bathtime with either child, although ds now too old for that anyway.

Yeah I agree the housework is fair enough, although it remains that way even if he’s off work, for example over Christmas when he was off for a fortnight he didn’t change, I can live with that. It might be nice if occasionally he let me have a lie in but it’s not a deal breaker. It’s more the lack of time with the children.

On the odd evening I go out my dd has to be asleep before I go

I am at this!

I’m sorry but you are as much to blame Op - you need to get a backbone woman!

He won’t have them both awake on his own.

Christ this is so depressing to read. You a scarily close to turning into his mother
Scarily close to thinking your dil should be making sure your son is attended to because he needs downtime and shouldn’t deal with the kids.

It’ll be the only way you can justify such a miserable existence.

You’re just his housekeeper he gets to fuck, produces offspring he doesn’t have to do anything with and he doesn’t have to pay you.

Not sure how you ended up thinking that’s an ok way to live.

Wow - reading the description of his mother (sorry I’m just catching up) no wonder he’s a lazy arse!

I’m going to sound horrible op but it sounds like he doesn’t like/love you very much. Why would he choose to spend all day with his mates and mum over you and the dc’s?
He sounds absolutely horrible and I don’t even know if I would bother trying to change him.
Spoiled, selfish little man-child!

He is a shit partner and a shit dad.

He's contributing absolutely nothing to the family other than his income. But if you split up he'd still have to contribute financially anyway.

I'd tell him he needs to step up and start doing chores and interacting with his own kids (sad you have to even ask him to do that) or it's over.

But after 18 years of doing fuck all - and before that having mummy do everything- I doubt he'll step up.

He won’t have them both awake on his own

What if you just got ready and shouted “il let you get them off to sleep tonight love, they’ll like that” then rushed out the door?
What would he do?

This thread is making me livid.

Jesus this is fucking horrific. Why are women still tolerating/enabling this sexist shit?

Next Friday, go out. Book yourself a spa weekend away and leave him a note as follows:

I've had enough of your lazy, selfish behaviour. This is 2020 and you will going forward take 50% of all childcare and house duties or else you will find your beloved golf clubs either.

A. Melted down
B. up your ass.

He would just take them to his mums I would imagine. If you went away for the weekend
In fact I would imagine if you died your MIL would be de facto parent.
That’s how much he wants his family in his life.