Division of labour if one parent is a sahp

[Rockbox84]

I just wondered how other people work this.
I’m a sahm and I do everything.

Dh has a busy job but works from home so doesn’t get up until gone 8.30am. He’s usually finished by 5/5.30pm. He has dinner and then lies on the sofa for the rest of the evening. Saturday he goes out to golf / pub / see his mum and Sunday he gets up late and goes out in the afternoon.
I had to take dd down to out of hours the other week in the evening and we weren’t back until late but when we got back the dinner stuff was still everywhere, plates still on the table etc.

I think maybe every couple of months he empties the dishwasher. He’s never cooked anything or put the washing machine on. He does mow the lawn in the summer. When the children were smaller he didnt change a single nappy / do a feed day or night and he’s never done bath / story time.

I know in the week that it’s totally up to me - it’s my job and it’s pretty easy compared to his. But I am up at 6.30am every day, it’s 9pm by the time the children are in bed and then I come down and tidy up, get ready for school the next day, do the ironing etc. It’s not stressful or demanding but it is fairly relentless.

I just wondered how other people split things?

Oh my god.

1. He doesn't work hard - seem like standard hours to me.
2. I work 3 very long days. I leave at 7 and am often not home until 8/9/10.

Before I leave I empty the dishwasher and feed the cat. If I am home when kids are back I muck in even if I have travelled the full length of the country in a day.

1. My husband who also works more than full time picks up slack on days I work but on days I am at home with kids he will help once he's logged off.

Your husband isn't a husband or a father

He's taking the piss out of you I'm afraid. DH has a stressful job and quite a long commute and he still manages to cook dinner, load the dishwasher and spend time with the children, usually doing the bedtime story. I do all of the laundry, keeping the house clean and tidy and the majority of the admin. On weekends he'll help out with tidying etc.

The housework isn't 'fair enough'!!

None of this is fair enough!!

Why have you stayed and had children with a man like this?

He hasn't changed - he's always been like it, so what was your thought process?

Nothing changes if nothing changes
Clearly this man op has no interest in family life whatsoever, not from household chores to child rearing.
You have just replaced his mother tbh it seems like.
It's not your job to train him to engage with his own wife or children. But it is your responsibility to decide if this is what you want to put up with going forward. It's been 18 years already! Do you want it to be this 18 more? Or even 1 more?
Of course you could scale back everything you do that benefits him no more dinners or washing, no more being available to facilitate his golfing days out. But could you really be arsed? What would really happen then, just arguments and tension??
Your children will have probably have already noticed that he is nothing special in their lives, and that's sad.

He sounds lazy and entitled. My daughter in law is similar; she doesn’t lift a finger in her home (or when she visits us) despite not working at the moment. You literally can’t see carpet for all the empty plates, discarded wrappers, dirty clothes and other crud all over every room.

I used to change nappies, do the drives out at night when the DC were teething, midnight bottle feeds, take the DC out on the weekend etc to allow my (then) wife a break. I also hoovered, cooked, cleaned the bathroom and all the rest of it too, whilst working full time.

Unless they pay someone for the privilege of picking up after them, or to metaphorically wipe their bum, then no healthy and mentally well adult has the right to shirk housekeeping and child rearing jobs in a house they share with a partner.

his mum came and cleaned twice and week, filled his fridge and freezer with home cooked meals, took his washing and washed and ironed it and mowed the lawn for him. He was 30 when we met so that’s pretty bad.

And none of this rang any alarm bells at the time?!??

Wow he is taking the piss big time.

When I've been on maternity leave, we tended to do the same hours ie hours worked (I'm counting looking after young kids as work) and same hours leisure. So I'd do what housework I could manage in the day (not much, keeping up to date with washing, a bit of tidying of kids toys, maybe hoover the main room we're all in, cool dinner) but as soon as my husband was home it was 50 50 - he'd often pick up the eldest from nursery, hed always clean up after dinner, one of us would do a couple of jobs eg putting washing away or folding it while the other entertained the kids, and we would share bedtime and bathtime and we'd be done by 8ish and both have a couple of hours to chill. Weekends everything was shared.

Now I'm back at work he gets them up and ready in the mornings and I get them from nursery, he goes cycling a couple of hours some weekends so it balances out. We both go out maybe once a month. He is away with work a bit more but when he is home he works from home a bit more so does a bit more to compensate.

In a partnership it's not fair when one person has much more time to themselves to have fun, but yours isn't even a partnership, it's you doing all home and all children related stuff and him having 100pc of time outside 8.30-5.30 to himself.

I think it's disgusting that he will agree to 'give up' one weekend a month to spend time with his family, like it's a sacrifice or a chore. I also feel very sorry for your children living with someone so uninvolved. They are going to grow up thinking a father is a sperm donor and provider of money only.

To be honest this is the most extreme example of unequal split in labour I've ever read on here. I honestly think you're going to really struggle to get him to change at all. What kind of person treats their spouse as a servant and doesnt want to spend any quality time at all with their kids? I know you think you can fix this, but I don't see why he would. If you left it's not going to affect his life, he can just get his mum or a housekeeper to look after the house and kids. I really think you should consider getting a job and then leaving

I'm not sure what you expected OP. You've been with him 18 years, he's always been an entitled arse and you chose to have children with him. He has a great life. A bit of the old 'nagging' from the trouble and strife who gets on with it anyway. Works, puts his feet up, does naff all with his children. I'm surprised he doesn't have one of those hobbies that takes him out of the house most evenings and weekends.

This is who he is. He pays the bills and that's his 'job done.' It's unfortunate that his children have to experience his indifference and learn that these are the roles of parents which they will emulate. You're living separate lives.

Either keep going the way you're going or do something about it. I bet your house, he'll make the odd attempt to pair a sock, then be back to his old ways because it suits him to be like that. Why would he want to change?

The children will grow up to feel undervalued by him and it will affect all of their future relationships: friends, partners, colleagues, bosses - everyone.

All you can do is the exact opposite and hope they believe you when you tell them how important, special, worthy of your time, they are.

It's because of men like your husband that so many children grow up with 'daddy issues'. They're not horrible enough to be cut out of the children's lives but they're not any sort of parent that the child needs.

Busy job and works from home so he does nothing geez. What type of work does he do?

He doesn't have a commute. He's got it made. He could be in his office watching porn and playing video games for all you know.

It seems like he wants you around for sex on tap and a household skivvy.

18 years together and a 2 year old. Was he reluctant to have children?
Please don't have any more with this lazy bastard.

Him leaving the house a wreck for you is just a small sign of his loathing and disrespect for you. He can easily pick up after himself. He just doesn't want to.

I would work on getting a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around him. You're a person too! Sign up for a uni course or hobby.

He just found a mother he can have sex with
With is just gross. Who wants to have sex with someone who looks at them like that.

Your husband doesn't respect or value you, and it seems pretty clear he doesn't love you. He clearly doesn't want to spend time with you or the children, isn't that hurtful to you? You seem more perplexed about it not being normal than upset that your partner isn't interested in making your life easier or happier and has zero pleasure in your company.
My husband works all day, works for me at the weekends, has another business with his dad and would not dream of having me do more of the housework than him. I work from home and have the kids most of the week, he classes the hours I spend with the kids as a job in itself. Your husband is a lazy arse and you need to see it for what it is.

8.30-5.30 Mon-Fri his job is to work and yours is to look after children and the house. Outside of those hours you should split everything 50-50. Both do the same amount of domestic chores and get the same amount of free time.

Both do stuff during working hours. Anything left equally divided.

I bet you just fell into this pattern and are now starting to see more clearly as the children are out of nappies. I had this and had to go to WAR with dh. It is great now but there was a war! . I first realized what I was in by threads like this on this website. My eyes were opened, I was very determined and well read on the topic. In short I got myself ready for battle. DH did not know what hit him.
I divided the jobs for the evening. So - prepare food/clean kitchen/ready breakfast was one set or ready children for bed and story (the other set). EVERY EVENING. I let him pick his set. Same for morning. Every week, I blocked out one evening where I went out. Sometimes I went sat in the car listening to a book! I went BEFORE the children were in bed.
Laundry - he had to do his fair share. Ditto cleaning up and major ditto re time at the weekends.
My dh did not give in easily. We lived abroad at the time which was an added complication for me as he knew people and had an outlet but I did not. I was ready to divorce. We came through but looking back I am still stunned that I got into that situation and still sad that he took advantage. I know now though that he feels shame about it which soothes somewhat.

This reminds me of my terrible marriage. Very similar in lots of ways, including never having anything to do with the kids and not working that many hours yet expecting me to do anything. Sabotaging any chance of getting a job or running my business by having a very important job to do. In my opinion, men like this do not change off their own back. You have to change something for them.

In my case, I pretty much started to loathe my husband and so divorced him. A good outcome is that he now has the children every other weekend and some holidays. I get the break and downtime I was denied for so long, and he now has a relationship with the kids and has to do stuff with them. It's still low energy/effort but it's way more than they had before.

*expecting me to do everything.

Hi Rockbox, time you and he had a serious chat. Following on from my last comment, yr other half needs to know unequivocally you are not a continuation of his Mum. (She mowed his lawns at 30....and he let her), I mean, what the heck😲! He’s got a self centred little number going on here, that suits him nicely. But he’s the only one happy with it. I do feel for you, this man of yours needs to grow up, pull finger and be a darn sight more hands on with all things that make a family function, I fear as long as you will do it, in his mind...you can do it. Do hope things change for you very soon.

He's a lazy shit OP. I very much doubt that his day is harder than yours. He gets up at 8:30, doesn't need to even leave the house and works at home doing office type work I assume? Then sits on his arse all night while you cook, clean, bath, bed and all the other stuff too.

He could at least get up with the kids maybe 2 weekday mornings and do breakfast etc with them before he starts work and he could also empty the dish washer each night, take a turn of bathing and bedding the kids and help with a couple of hours cleaning at the weekend. That's the LEAST he could do

Can I ask OP were you quite young when you got together? He was 30 and maybe I'm guessing you were 20? Had a baby after 9 years? I just wonder is this all you have ever known in a relationship? If so I think it will be as hard for you to change as him but certainly not impossible. Do you have any real life support now you realise this is not the life you want to put up with?

He’s not working hard. He wakes up at 8.30 and finishes at 5:30 while working from home - that suggests he’s putting the bare minimum there. Anyone with any real responsibility or pride in their work would be working far longer hours from home

This kind of arrangement smacks of old fashioned "entitlement" .DH Big Important Job" Must relax and "chill " when Im home ! Cant be doing with HW DC etc .Well guess what now 21st century ! I think you need to talk to him and esp re DC if hes never there how can he be in photos FFS?! He needs to see that being a parent means more than just bringing a wage home! Can you not schedule a day out at W/E? Like a theme park ,swimming whatever ?He will end up as one of these men who spend their retirement feeling sorry about missing out on DC when they are young! Re cleaning tell him you are thinking of getting a cleaner in once a week or can he do set jobs i e Dishwasher Duty tidying and putting DC to bed?

If we got a cleaner I’d have to pay for it from ‘my’ money because he’d say it was my job so I’d be outsourcing it.
I can manage the housework stuff.
I’m going to have to talk to him about spending more of the weekend with the children. Again. He’s already gone to golf this morning and that’ll be it now, won’t see him again until this evening.

Oh OP
You really do deserve more than this. As your children get older they will start to realise that their normal is really dysfunctional.

My friend had a partner who took his paternity leave so he could play golf. It eventually ended in divorce but not until the child had been really fucked up living like you do.