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Original poster

How long to wait for sex . . .

140 replies

Booker82 · 31/01/2020 00:48

Well, obviously there isn't a definite answer to this question, but I was just interested in people's thoughts and experiences.

I started seeing an incredible woman near the end of last year. We met through an app and get on really well. It's been a couple of months now and we've not had sex yet. I'm absolutely fine with this as I just enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her (dates are usually just round at her house as she's got a younger child).

I guess I was just wondering how long others had waited before having sex and if 2-3 months is absurdly long. We're both over 35 and I was in a very long term relationship up until a year ago (so haven't dated in a very very long time).

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 31/01/2020 01:03

Is her young child in the house when you go round?
Do you stay over?
Do you ever actually go out on dates with her?

CatAndHisKit · 31/01/2020 01:11

Is she flirting with you? Either wait for her to show she's ready to go further, or you could start a chat about it.

BodenGate · 31/01/2020 01:16

I think that’s a really long time to wait but if you’re both happy taking it slowly then that’s what’s right for your relationship.

flyinghedgehog · 31/01/2020 01:27

I think 2-3 months is reasonable, not much longer though. Perhaps she's waiting for you to make the first move? Would it be possible for her to send her child to stay with relatives for a night so you can go out on a more traditional date and see where things go?

Lalala205 · 31/01/2020 01:56

Well I can see why she wouldn't be keen with her child(ren) in the house tbh 😳. Are you just popping round the house for say dinner, and maybe watching a film together? Does she have childcare for a night so you could plan a proper date night, or potential hotel stay? Have you actually discussed this with her vs just asking online? Maybe she just wants to take things slowly, or maybe the idea of shagging someone when her kids could potentially walk in is very much less than appealing, and massively understandable.

Holt99 · 01/02/2020 01:43

Thanks all.
I think we're both happy taking it slow for now. We have been out on a couple of 'proper' dates, but it's mostly me going round and cuddling up and chatting or watching TV. We kiss with no issues and there's flirting on both sides, but I think the idea of her child coming downstairs may be at the back of her mind.
We're taking it slow to introduce me to the child. She's meeting my children in the next week, but they're both a bit older.

We did discuss what sort of relationship we had in terms of both if us feel like this is a long term thing as opposed to just meeting up every now and again. However, I didn't really know how to raise the topic of intimacy. I know it sounds stupid, but I've not dated since I was a teenager. Just no idea what is the done thing if I'm being honest.

I am happy with things. I don't feel like we're drifting apart already, but as I'm so 'out of the game' I just wanted to guage opinions on whether it's a really long time to wait or not.

StarlightLady · 01/02/2020 06:52

As you say, there is no fixed time. I certainly would not have waited that long.

I have gone for first date sometimes if the chemistry is right and the passion is there; no name calling by the MN Moral Police please, my body my choice! Sometimes, second or third date, but l think if it’s going to go past the point of no return, sooner rather than later.

Obviously children can complicate issues. But children are not going to go away.

PositiveVibez · 01/02/2020 07:02

We're taking it slow to introduce me to the child. She's meeting my children in the next week, but they're both a bit older

Wel you're not even in a serious relationship yet. 2/3 months, no sex, a couple of proper dates. Why are you introducing her to your children?

Do you really expect her to shag you when her kid is upstairs? How romantic.

I'd carry on at this place for the moment, until you get a chance to become serious. Can you maybe take her away somewhere for the night if she has childcare?

Go on more dates.

You should be in the honeymoon period, but it already sounds dull and mundane.

PositiveVibez · 01/02/2020 07:03

*pace

Stabbitha1 · 01/02/2020 07:10

In my own personal opinion, It's inappropriate to bring you into her home with children around at this stage of the relationship. Even if they came down and saw you kissing, thats a big deal enough anyway. You should be in the fun dates stage yet you really fast forwarded to lazy long term couple sat at home not having sex!!
Nevermind the sex, who brings a man round to their house with their children in 2 to 3 months in?!

Obviously, i live on a different planet than you, too so who knows whats normal wait for sex for her!

Elephantonascooter · 01/02/2020 07:10

I don't understand the issue with sex with her child in the house who is presumably asleep... How do people think siblings are made?!!!!
I personally think that if I was really interested I couldn't hold back for 3 months in and it would have definitely come up in conversation.
I would ask her about it, to cover all basis, you may find she was waiting for you or something but I would think that 3 months in is showing little sign of physical attraction in most cases

AnnDaloozier · 01/02/2020 07:11

Typical Mumsnet coyness. Kids asleep. Have sex

MerryMarigold · 01/02/2020 07:12

Positivevibez, is your name sarcastic? [Hmm]

OP, I know you may not have the opportunity to go away - finances or childcare. But if you can I'd suggest it. How long has she been single for? Perhaps this is a bit too soon since her last relationship? Maybe she's been abused in the past? There's all sorts of things that could be going on that make every relationship individual. I'd approach it as you have done here... Just say you're happy to wait but you wouldn't want her to think that you're avoiding sex if that's what she wants. Be understanding about her child/ childcare issues if you really like her.

notthisshitagain · 01/02/2020 07:17

If she's meeting your kids in the next week, then you're far from taking it slow. Not the most important bits anyway.

Stabbitha1 · 01/02/2020 07:20

Positivevibez I agree entirely with you. It's what I meant to say rather unsuccinctly 😂

bigchris · 01/02/2020 07:22

I think before you get introduced to the children you need to have sex to see if there is a spark there

What if you're all friendly with the kids ,have sex and its crap and you're actually in the friend zone

TheStoic · 01/02/2020 08:48

How do people think siblings are made?!!!!

Presumably with a bloke the kids already know?

Myyearmytime · 01/02/2020 10:43

Do not introduced her go your kids
You have not sleep with her so this not a serious relationship yet .
Does her kids not go to his dads house
Or grandma
Or sleepovers at mum freinds houses
Arranged one of the above then have sex
Then you can see if it any good

bigchris · 01/02/2020 10:50

Just thought when sex before marriage was not a done thing you'd be courting like this so yes it can work fine op

Original poster
Booker82 · 01/02/2020 13:22

Ha. Lots of replies. Thanks for your thoughts.
I guess not unsurprisingly, everyone had a different take.
Ranging from

  • just have sex and don't worry about the kid in the house to there's no way you should be going to the house this quickly.

The reason I go round is because of lack of chances to see her otherwise. We'd rather see each other as often as possible than only every now and again on a 'date'. It hasn't felt dull and mundane so far.

I take on board the comment about maybe there's no physical attraction. Just seems odd that she'd still want to continue seeing me if that were the case. What I do know is that we both really like each other.

Unfortunately the child doesn't go overnight to see their dad. In fact, they don't see the dad much at all.

MereyMarigold, I'll probably take that approach and talk to her about it.

Really great to have other's thoughts. Thank you.

OP posts:
Stabbitha1 · 01/02/2020 13:37

She could just like the attention and company.

Original poster
Booker82 · 01/02/2020 13:43

Possibly. Although I know she hasn't been in any relationships since her child was born so she's not going searching for this type of thing a lot.
I think there are trust issues involved as well as she hasn't been in a relationship for a while and didn't have a very good relationship with her child's father.

OP posts:
screamingvalhalla · 01/02/2020 14:04

Do you kiss romantically ? If so she isn't looking at you as just friendship / company
If you don't yet , why? , ask yourself
You need to talk , discuss where you both want this to be going , if it's the same direction or not and why it's taking a time ?

Original poster
Booker82 · 01/02/2020 14:05

We definitely kiss romantically.

OP posts:
KundaliniRising · 01/02/2020 14:15

My dh waited for 6 months before we had sex, my dc were fast asleep and we just made sure that we were quiet. Even though it really was a case of ripping off each others clothes Blush.