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Original poster

How long to wait for sex . . .

140 replies

Booker82 · 31/01/2020 00:48

Well, obviously there isn't a definite answer to this question, but I was just interested in people's thoughts and experiences.

I started seeing an incredible woman near the end of last year. We met through an app and get on really well. It's been a couple of months now and we've not had sex yet. I'm absolutely fine with this as I just enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her (dates are usually just round at her house as she's got a younger child).

I guess I was just wondering how long others had waited before having sex and if 2-3 months is absurdly long. We're both over 35 and I was in a very long term relationship up until a year ago (so haven't dated in a very very long time).

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 03/02/2020 09:10

OP, there is no normal, just what you and yours decide works for you.

And be careful asking about 'normal' on here... plenty of people are really different plus a lot of exaggeration and showboating goes on here about how amazing peoples lives are. Personally there's a lot of posts I'd take with a mild pinch of salt.

Good luck to you, do what works.

TheHouseWithTheBambooDoor · 03/02/2020 09:15

I’ve pretty much slept with anyone I really liked straight away. Why don’t things go further when you kiss?

GaaaaarlicBread · 03/02/2020 09:15

I feel like I’m the only one here who waited longer than 3 months to have sex with my now Husband 🤣 we were young though , 19, but we went out for 6 months before we had sex 😳 worked out fine though as we are married and have a baby on the way 6 years later but still...everyone is different maybe she wants to take it slow

Newnamewhodis1 · 03/02/2020 09:40

Young people 'and their loud music out' nowadays? Sex is a performance?

You are doing both going out and sex wrong!

Naomh · 03/02/2020 09:49

I'd say bad sex for a man is still bad sex though.

OP, how often have you had 'bad sex' that (a) not only didn't involve the slightest approach to an orgasm for you, but (b) actually made you genitally sore because the other party was banging away on top of you as if you were a fairground ride, in single-minded pursuit of their own jollies?

I'd definitely not end it after just one bad experience as it could definitely improve. This is why an emotional connection is the most important thing. Sex is a performance based occasion whilst who the person is should be more consistent.

See above.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 03/02/2020 09:55

surely the sex has the potential to develop into something fantastic

Confused Has that ever happened?

CousinKrispy · 03/02/2020 10:01

OP, there's nothing wrong with waiting and taking things slow. It's what I would prefer to do if I could ever be arsed to start dating again! And it doesn't necessarily mean that either of you are "boring" or just not into sex.

If your friend had a bad experience with her last partner, she may be especially keen to take her time and get to know you well before she's ready for the level of vulnerability that's involved in sex.

I know I've seen some recommendations for those who have left abusive relationships, and those who have a pattern of having jumped into dysfunctional relationships in the past, to take at least 6 months to get to know someone as a friend before proceeding to have sex. That's not a hard-and-fast (hur hur) rule, I'm just pointing out that there are different approaches and this could all be perfectly OK.

Just keep communicating with each other and don't worry about what other people think.

CousinKrispy · 03/02/2020 10:02

And, yeah, I tend to be nervous the first time with a new partner and I've had fantastic sex develop later after an awkward first time. Why would that be hard to believe?

Buggedandconfused · 03/02/2020 10:12

I personally need to know if the sex side of things is going to work, so wouldn’t wait longer than a month.

You sound wonderfully respectful OP.

Original poster
Booker82 · 03/02/2020 11:21

@noamh

I don't disagree that certain signs that may be displayed during sex are red flags. However, I thought the main discussion was just regarding poor sex as opposed to sex with a selfish t*at.

@CousinKrispy
Thank you for the comments. Her last relationship was certainly not . . . pleasant.

@Newnamewhodis1

I was joking about the going out to an extent. Although I certainly don't care for clubbing anymore.

OP posts:
Urkiddingright · 03/02/2020 11:41

I’ve never seen much point in waiting around personally. For me, if there’s physical attraction there then you naturally want to have sex and if the sex is good and you get along then you keep having sex until it possibly develops into something more. I don’t think waiting months to have sex equals a better or more fulfilling relationship at all. I know people tend to think if you make someone wait to have sex, they will definitely stick around once you do have sex but it just isn’t true. The sex might be bloody terrible so it might all go tits up straight after... I prefer to just get on with things in life generally though, I don’t like waiting around.

BurneyFanny · 03/02/2020 12:24

Has she at least said God I wish we could get down but my daughter's upstairs? At mid-30s, being able to stop snogging and light petting without at least voicing frustration would not be a good sign for me.

Original poster
Booker82 · 03/02/2020 12:36

Yeah Grin there's been some frustration, but the child is a light sleeper!

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 03/02/2020 12:42

Sex is a performance based occasion
good god.
I'm not sure what advice you really want on here OP as you seem to be doing things in your own way anyway. You're not gonna get everyone agreeing here on this one so just do what you want and what works for you both. It wouldn't for me but that is me.

category12 · 03/02/2020 12:44

I'd say bad sex for a man is still bad sex though.

OP, how often have you had 'bad sex' that (a) not only didn't involve the slightest approach to an orgasm for you, but (b) actually made you genitally sore because the other party was banging away on top of you as if you were a fairground ride, in single-minded pursuit of their own jollies?

This ^

I'm sure that bad sex for men exists, but I think they generally can expect an orgasm and for it not to hurt. (Or not to be squashed underneath wondering whether to try to stop it, or carry on, because you're concerned you're going to asphyxiate or have a panic attack before he finishes. Tra la la.)

Original poster
Booker82 · 03/02/2020 13:03

@anotherdisaster

Tbf, I wasn't really asking for advice. I was interested in people's thoughts and experiences. I'm happy with how we're doing thing tbh.

OP posts:
wobblywinelover · 03/02/2020 13:13

You keep saying you're not that bothered about the sex and that you'll wait, but yet you keep talking about the sex and the whole thread is about when the sex will be. Sex sex sex. Do you even like her or do you think she's an easy ride because she's a single parent?

DesperateElf · 03/02/2020 13:34

I don't really understand what you mean by 'waiting for sex'. Why are you waiting for it to happen 'to you', so to speak? Why don't you initiate it, by suggesting it and organising whatever the setting and circumstances should be required to make it happen? That's what I would do.

Don't you send suggestive texts to each other? How is it possible not to? If you do, aren't they going up a level every now and again? If not, why not??

If I was involved in this, I wouldn't consider it a relationship. I wouldn't rule out that it might become a relationship at some point but at this time it's just not. I'd think that you're either not very interested or you have a problem of some kind to do with sex.

However if it works for you both then that's all that matters. Enjoy.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/02/2020 13:57

I agree there is an element of “thou protesteth too much” here. You say you’re happy to wait blah blah but it just doesn’t ring true. I think you are waiting for “it” and it’s not happening, either because you are not making enough effort to get on with doing the deed or she is making excuses.
Most people here are telling you it doesn’t seem normal and making suggestions but you keep on insisting you don’t mind.
Maybe that’s the problem, you sound very passive! Maybe your female friend wants you to take the lead and finds it a turn-off that you don’t try hard enough to take things further. Maybe she thinks you have a problem and that’s why things haven’t gone further? You should talk to her about it.

It's been a couple of months now and we've not had sex yet

I guess I was just wondering how long others had waited before having sex and if 2-3 months is absurdly long

Yeah grin there's been some frustration

These are all comments you’ve made - you are clearly slightly concerned?

Original poster
Booker82 · 03/02/2020 14:08

Not really. The frustration was because the child might come down at any moment so not exactly ideal. In fact, there's been loads on here saying it's fine to wait, they waited, they wouldn't want to have sex with the child right near by. In fact, those comments you quoted don't show any sort of bother on my part. Just what I was saying, I was interested in other's thoughts as I've not been in a new relationship for a long long time.
I'd definitely consider it a relationship. Not really sure why you wouldn't, bar the no sex yet. Weird way if defining a relationship imo.

@wobblywinelover
That's a pretty pathetic thing to say. An easy ride because she's a single parent. One if the main reasons I've not pushed things is because her last relationship wasn't very nice for her. I'm also a single parent. I've got a pretty good idea if how we feel.

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/02/2020 14:17

But why are you starting a thread asking what is normal for others if you’re so un-bothered? And wondering if 2-3 months is absurdly long? If you are secure in the fact that you have a good relationship and things are great why the need to find out how long others would wait? It seems odd - like there is a contrast in what you are saying on here and how you truly feel. You know it’s ok to say you’re frustrated that things haven’t moved further yet? It comes across like you’re scared you’ll be seen as a “bad guy” if you say it’s starting to annoy you!

CousinKrispy · 03/02/2020 14:51

?? People start threads all the time just asking for information. There doesn't necessarily have to be a hidden agenda.

Anyway, whatever the case for OP, I've found it a really interesting discussion. I didn't grow up in the UK and it's somewhat different in my home country so it's very informative to see the range of what people consider normal here.

Original poster
Booker82 · 03/02/2020 14:58

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes

Absolute nonsense. Just utter dribble. Sorry.

There absolutely loads of threads here where people are interested in asking things just to guage other's thoughts.

It seems odd to me that you're trying to find a hidden agenda. I asked some questions previously on another forum about dating. Purely because I've been 'out of the game' for nearly 20 years. If you genuinely think things don't change over time then fine, but I was just interested.

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/02/2020 15:06

Ok Op, whatever you say. I’m just saying it’s ok to be frustrated and want more you know? I know I would if I was with someone I fancied! Hopefully you will be very happy together, good luck!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 03/02/2020 15:27

That's a pretty pathetic thing to say. An easy ride because she's a single parent. One if the main reasons I've not pushed things is because her last relationship wasn't very nice for her. I'm also a single parent. I've got a pretty good idea if how we feel. why was it a pathetic thing to say? It's well known that single mothers are often targeted by predators and viewed to be "easy". You say you understand as you're a single parent to....do you have majority care like she does? Have you been the sole or majoriry carer for a young child?