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Original poster

How long to wait for sex . . .

140 replies

Booker82 · 31/01/2020 00:48

Well, obviously there isn't a definite answer to this question, but I was just interested in people's thoughts and experiences.

I started seeing an incredible woman near the end of last year. We met through an app and get on really well. It's been a couple of months now and we've not had sex yet. I'm absolutely fine with this as I just enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her (dates are usually just round at her house as she's got a younger child).

I guess I was just wondering how long others had waited before having sex and if 2-3 months is absurdly long. We're both over 35 and I was in a very long term relationship up until a year ago (so haven't dated in a very very long time).

OP posts:
notthisshitagain · 02/02/2020 11:21

I can't take time off in the day with my job otherwise I'd definitely be going round then too.

No holiday allowance? At all?

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 11:35

Nope. I'm in education.

My holidays will be the same as the child's Grin

OP posts:
80sMum · 02/02/2020 11:36

I'm an old-fashioned type and I daresay my opinion is not shared by the vast majority nowadays. My view is that it is better to wait until the relationship is stable and long-term - and for me that means at least wait until you've both decided that you want to commit to each other and have announced your engagement and set a date for your wedding.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 02/02/2020 11:45

we touch and kiss plenty

But doesn’t this get you both so worked up that you end up having sex? To keep on having foreplay and then having to stop must be very frustrating?
I’ve just re-read your OP and it seems to me to insinuate that you are slightly concerned about the fact you haven’t had sex yet. That she is using her dd being upstairs as an excuse. Otherwise why are you asking the question? You obviously have worries it isn’t normal yourself.

I wonder if you are maybe thinking she’s not that into you sexually but is enjoying having you for company of an evening.

Who actually stops it from going further in the heat of the moment? I bet it’s her.

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 11:56

Ha. Not worried at all.

The reason I asked was to see what others do. How long they have waited. More to see what's 'normal'. Judging by the replies there's a fairly massive range.

I asked because I haven't been in a new relationship since 2001. I'm out the game so to speak. I was curious more than anything.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/02/2020 12:10

It's a bloody good "excuse". I can't really think of much less sexy than getting it on for the first time in the living room, worrying that small child might wake up or hear something. Hmm

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 02/02/2020 12:24

But if you carry on like that category no one would ever have sex! What are they going to to, wait until the child has grown up and moved out?

Why not go to the bedroom and put a piece of furniture behind the door(done this many times!), or a lock? IMO once small children are properly asleep they’re out for the night! Or at least a few hours.

Op and his girlfriend just sound like they’re not that bothered about sex - so maybe they’re perfectly suited anyway? It’s not normal to me but maybe I and my DH and all my exes have had high sex drives?

I don’t believe op isn’t bothered by the lack of sex either - not buying it at all sorry!

category12 · 02/02/2020 12:33

If you carry on like that category no one would ever have sex!

That's a bit of a jump - we're talking about the first time with a new partner. It's not exactly romantic to be shoving furniture around and tbh, going to the bedroom is probably worse, as it'll be closer to the child's bedroom. Snatched and opportunistic sex is all well and good, but it wouldn't be my first choice for a first time with a new partner.

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 12:40

I'm really not that bothered. Maybe in a few months we'll see.

I was in a 17 year relationship where we had lots of sex. Even when the relationship wasn't great near the end, sex wasn't an issue. It's why I'm happy to try and build this relationship differently. Based on more than just sex.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/02/2020 12:43

Why not try to arrange a night or weekend away sometime. Make some effort.

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 14:26

I will do. Been planning a little weekend or night away.

Just got to arrange some of her family to come down to watch the child overnight.

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 02/02/2020 19:09

For me the sex is important because its part of the attraction of someone and the intimacy.
I met someone online last year. I really liked him, we chatted and facetimed and then we had our first date. The connection was still there and I was really optimistic. We slept together on that first date and its the worst sex I have ever had in my life. That was it for me, no way could I face that again so I stopped seeing him.
Just another perspective....

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 20:00

You ended it because the first time was bad?!

That's crazy to me.

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 02/02/2020 21:03

See that's the difference - it would be crazy after you've built up the emotional side, of course you';ll try again. But if you just met and the first date sex is REALLY bad, why bother.
Sounds like it os down to a child being upstairs, but as someonesaid, surely once she's asleep, you'll have a few hours of time. You alrready said, OP, that you'll have a chat - a gentle chat is a good idea. Maybe on the lines of planning a night away, if you don't want to sound impatient.

CatAndHisKit · 02/02/2020 21:06

But I think it's good to try a different approach to your previous, sex fatique (and no substance) set in by the sounds of it Grin!

CatAndHisKit · 02/02/2020 21:07

*fatigue

firesong · 02/02/2020 21:27

I can't see that it would have to be dull and mundane just because you've had to stay in a bit. Most of the excitement of a new relationship is from getting to know each other, not just going to exciting places. Though to be honest, I love going out with my boyfriend and we've rarely had a night in.

In answer to your actual question, the usual amount of time that has passed before I've had sex with a new partner has varied. Current one: we had already known each other for a couple of decades as friends, so the sex came about pretty soon after the first kiss! Previous partner it was the second date, probably because I hadn't had sex for a year Grin And before that usually it was after a few dates, not as a "rule", that's just how it tended to happen.

anotherdisaster · 02/02/2020 21:59

Of course I did. Put it this way, it wasn't something I could even work on. Terrible and inconsiderate lover which says everything in my opinion. Intimacy for me is VERY important. I think you might be kidding yourself a little bit here OP.

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 23:59

Firesong

It definitely doesn't feel dull staying in. Mainly because we both enjoy staying in more than going out. Far too many young people and their loud music out nowadays.

OP posts:
Lolailo · 03/02/2020 06:09

Me too, I have been dating a guy since the beginning of November and we have not had sex yet. We are both late thirties, single parents.

I have actively avoided inviting him in as I believe we would end up in bed. I dumped the last two guys I dated after having sex with them because I felt a disconnect between the emotional and the physical part, so I am in no rush.

category12 · 03/02/2020 06:31

You ended it because the first time was bad?!

Quick theory - maybe for a man, bad sex is like bad pizza, ie. still pretty good? For a woman, bad sex can be painful, uncomfortable, boring, feel a bit like a ragdoll, numb and he's just pumping away oblivious.

Naomh · 03/02/2020 06:42

I’m with @anotherdisaster. I have sex early on when I’m seeing someone because I can’t think of anything worse than investing months of time in getting to know and like someone before discovering they are a terrible, inconsiderate lover/ we are totally sexually incompatible.

Naomh · 03/02/2020 06:43

And yy, @category12. Absolutely.

Trumpspeach · 03/02/2020 07:00

With the rubbish sex thing, surely the sex has the potential to develop into something fantastic? It seems really harsh to dump someone on the basis of one bad shag (unless there are abuse-type flags there). One or either of the parties may be nervous and 'off' their performance, for example. It would seem reasonable to me to give them another go! My DP and I had fairly mundane sex for a while but as the relationship has developed then so has the sex.

The OP and his partner sound lovely, by the way. If nights in watching TV and chatting work for them, then fine. Glad he's planning a babysitter though Grin

Original poster
Booker82 · 03/02/2020 08:48

Cheers all. It's really been great to read all these different views.

I'd say bad sex for a man is still bad sex though. I'd definitely not end it after just one bad experience as it could definitely improve. This is why an emotional connection is the most important thing. Sex is a performance based occasion whilst who the person is should be more consistent.
Of course, this is, like somebody mentioned, probably because I prefer to wait for sex so would be more willing to overlook a couple of bad times.

OP posts: