How long to wait for sex . . .

[Booker82]

Well, obviously there isn't a definite answer to this question, but I was just interested in people's thoughts and experiences.

I started seeing an incredible woman near the end of last year. We met through an app and get on really well. It's been a couple of months now and we've not had sex yet. I'm absolutely fine with this as I just enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her (dates are usually just round at her house as she's got a younger child).

I guess I was just wondering how long others had waited before having sex and if 2-3 months is absurdly long. We're both over 35 and I was in a very long term relationship up until a year ago (so haven't dated in a very very long time).

@WaterOffADucksCrack

What have I said in this thread to make you think I'm some sort of predator? Would I not be pressuring her for sex or have moved on if I were?

For your info, I am the sole carer for my two children.

I am that person who skews your averages as I am wayyyy off the other end of the spectrum to everyone here - I wouldn’t consider having sex with someone for at least 6 months, more likely a lot longer ... but then I believe that sex is not something casual/fun but something that’s only part of a fully committed relationship & 2-3 months is nowhere near long enough to make that level of commitment, especially if children are involved!

Yes, I know I am old fashioned ...

Booker82 I didn't say you are a predator at all! Just that it is something single mothers have to be very wary of. I was trying to explain her possible mindset. It's interesting you got defensive straight away.

You must have good babysitters then if it's always dates at hers. Or maybe they're too old for that in which case you should consider all the extra difficulties she faces with a young child.

Where are your kids, what are they doing when you're snuggled up on the sofa, round at your friend's house? How often are you spending the evening at hers?

Due to circumstances my current DP and I waited 5 weeks before having sex. We were seeing each other 3 times a week (over night and lots of dates) - it was nice to wait and get to know each other. I've certainly have never waited that long before.

However I agree with many posters that a couple months into a new relationship is too soon to be meeting the other persons young children. All of the people I went out with when my DC were young never met my DC - even after 9-12 months.

I'm not meeting her child as they're still young. That'll happen when she feels it's the right time.

My children are older. I just chatted with them about it and asked how they felt. They found it hilarious that some would wait up to a year, but we're fairly open with this type of thing as a family and talk about everything. The only comment was apparently how cute I was by getting so nervous before my first date.

They will be home alone (or sometimes staying with their mother) when I visit her house. The oldest is 16 now.

I think it’s refreshing when people get to know each other for a few months first. Almost every day there’s a thread on here asking why a man has ignored someone after sex. Not everyone needs to shag in the first week. I waited a few months with my dp l, I think he didn’t want to seem pushy and I wanted him to make the first move so took us a while but everything is great now. People move at different paces. I think it’s best to talk to her about it and plan a nice night away somewhere if she’s comfortable with that.

wow, there's been some ridiculous posts on this thread. 'are you just seeing her as an easy ride?'... after 6 months of no sex.... yup, it really sounds like he's just after a quick shag . and the predator stuff...? I mean, the level of man-hating on here is just nuts.

OP, you sound really lovely. to answer your original question, I was never much good at waiting for sex during my dating days - usually happened very early on. but if my marriage was to go tits up and I found myself back in the dating game, i'd almost certainly not be rushing anything with someone new, including sex - particularly if any young kids were involved.

I would wait a fair bit longer than just 2-3 months to introduce kids though. every relationship is different obviously but generally speaking 2-3 months is still very much the getting to know someone phase. I'd want to feel like I knew the other person pretty damn well, and felt confident we were firmly heading towards long-term relationship, before introducing them to my kids or being introduced to his.

I wonder what she would think if she read this thread? If I was her I would be horrified that the man I was seeing was asking mumsnet about how long to wait for sex. Just a thought .....

OP - I'm curious to know what actually happens when you and your lady are sitting on the sofa, cuddling and kissing. Don't you (plural?) get very aroused? If not, I'd say this relationship isn't going anywhere. If yes, how on earth do you stop - not just once or twice, but time and time again.

Sex is a performance based occasion...

What can I say. The mind boggles. This is not how I would expect someone to think about something that ought to come naturally.

Having said that, I agree with @wowsertrousers:
I would wait a fair bit longer than just 2-3 months to introduce kids though. ... I'd want to ... feel confident we were firmly heading towards long-term relationship, before introducing them to my kids or being introduced to his.

I waited 4 months to have sex with my now DH. But we spent those 4 months mainly going out on dates. But then again, my kids went to their Dad's house regularly, so we had the chance to go out.

I think anything's fine as long as both people are happy.

2 months? I was bloody desperate by the time I met dp, by the second date I would have if opportunity had arisen (it didn't, we live far apart and met at a neutral location). The relationship just felt right from the start, I had dated others and 2 dates in I wasn't feeling the same so called it a day before the relationship moved on. I think you know if something is right, we are planning the rest of our lives together after just weeks, he said he felt like this before we met in person!

We both definitely feel like this is a long term thing and have made a great connection
This is great but what if the sex doesn't live up to the hype now?
The sex may have you losing that connection.
I know it does for me.
I'm too long in the tooth though to mess around with bad sex.
On the 1st go, you bring your A game. If that is not good enough for me then bye bye!!
Harsh..? Yes indeed.

wowsertrousers when I mentioned about predators I made it clear following up that I wasn't referring to the op. It is unfortunately true that single mums get targeted. I also think (speaking as a multiple rape and sexual abuse survivor) it's useful to try and get men to understand why some women are perhaps wary or morr guarded or want to wait etc. My experiences like anyone's have impacted why and how I do certain things. So I don't think it's man hating to say some men are predators.

@wateroffaduckscrack that's more than fair enough, and i'm really sorry you've experienced such vile behaviour from some men in the past. Like you said, of course that's going to impact why and how you do/see certain things - just human nature isn't it.

I'd interpreted your initial comment the same way as the OP did and must admit I'd missed your follow up post clarifying what you actually meant. you're right of course: it's entirely possible that his partner might be taking things slowly due to previous predatory, or otherwise negative, experiences that she's not yet shared with the OP.