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Original poster

How long to wait for sex . . .

140 replies

Booker82 · 31/01/2020 00:48

Well, obviously there isn't a definite answer to this question, but I was just interested in people's thoughts and experiences.

I started seeing an incredible woman near the end of last year. We met through an app and get on really well. It's been a couple of months now and we've not had sex yet. I'm absolutely fine with this as I just enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her (dates are usually just round at her house as she's got a younger child).

I guess I was just wondering how long others had waited before having sex and if 2-3 months is absurdly long. We're both over 35 and I was in a very long term relationship up until a year ago (so haven't dated in a very very long time).

OP posts:
Original poster
Booker82 · 01/02/2020 23:55

Category12

She's not cooked for me yet, bar some light bites.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booker82 · 01/02/2020 23:58

Justmuddling

Yes, we've definitely talked about what we both want from the relationship. Nothing has been set down, but I'm in my late 30s. I'd rather know if we're both looking for the same thing tbh. I'm absolutely fine by myself, but would get into a relationship if it felt right. I'm really not interested in just fooling around type stuff. Just where I'm at right now.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/02/2020 00:00

That's all fine. But I think bringing any kids into the equation at the beginning of a tentative relationship is completely inappropriate.

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 00:13

Fair dos.

What would you consider an appropriate amount of time?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/02/2020 00:27

I really can't answer that, because it really doesn't sound like a budding romance to me. No dates, no sex. Sounds like a friendship to me. One or both of you is settling.

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 00:30

Ok. Fair enough.

I know what it is to me and her. I'm not too worried about it 'sounding' like a relationship or not.

We've had a couple of more 'normal' dates too. Got a couple of other things arranged coming up too. Neither of us are that bothered about where we see each other though. We just want to spend as much time getting to know each other. If that's at a restaurant, then fine, but I know I can get to know her better snuggled on the couch.

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 02/02/2020 00:31

Just many relationships do start as friendships. More solid than starting with just lust.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/02/2020 00:34

I know. So why rush to meet the kids? Get to know each other. Then when you have a relationship that's evolved from a friendship to a partnership, take the next step.

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 00:39

That was my question that you didn't want to answer though. When would you say is long enough?

I mean, we speak every day if we don't see each other. I'm not really sure how much more I could have got to know them.
For me, knowing that my children (both mature teenagers) get on with her is one of the vital steps.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/02/2020 00:43

It's not that I didn't want to answer. If you reread my post, I said I can't answer that. If it was what I classed as a relationship, I would answer 6 months.

CatAndHisKit · 02/02/2020 00:43

I see what you mean - has to be both friendship and sexlife, and yes it's always good to check sexual compatability before making huge plans, but I think what OP means is, with his GF having a dc, it's impossible to go out a lot and it works for them as sex isn't a priority.

But after a few months it does need to happen, to make it a full r-ship. I find it strange that the GF never mentioned anything, if I want to take my time I usually say that to a new partner. What if she's not interested at all? Or she may be waiting for you to initiate and is losing patience - can you read the signs?

Justmuddlingalong · 02/02/2020 00:46

To me she sounds lonely. And is enjoying adult company in the evening when her DC's in bed.

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 00:49

Thanks, Cat.

Reasonable response. We're certainly happy with touching and physical contact. I just think she's nervous with her daughter upstairs. I'll need to think of a way to get some alone time soon (although it is hard as there aren't any family options close by for babysitting). In terms of mentioning it - we haven't specifically talked about sex, but I get the feeling her last relationship wasn't great (with her child's dad).

Justmuddlingalong - 6 months?! That's absolutely mental to me. It is funny what we all put stress on. I'm not worried about the sex. It'll happen and it'll be what it'll be. However, waiting 6 months for me to introduce my children is a crazy long time for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 00:50

Justmuddlingalong

I can sort of see why you'd say that, but then surely she'd have had other similar types of relationships before me after she split with DC dad?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/02/2020 00:53

If sex is the elephant in the room, that's not mentioned, 6 months might be optimistic. Good luck for the future. Its late and I'm onto a promise. 😉

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 01:01

Have fun.

It's not really an elephant in the room at all. I was just wondering how long other people waited is all.

OP posts:
choirmumoftwo · 02/02/2020 01:07

I don't understand some of these responses. There are still couples who choose not to have sex until they're married, it is not the be all and end all in a relationship. Intimacy is about so much more than sex. It will happen when the time is right for both of you. Being pushy about it would be a huge turn off for me. Good luck.

byteme1011 · 02/02/2020 01:14

I think some of these replies on here are harsh but (Im about to do the same and my grammar is atrocious- sorry!) honestly no one can tell you what the timeline for your relationship should be other than yous. I think you need to speak to her about it. It sounds like you two are lovely togethet

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 01:23

Thank you choir & byteme

It's really good to hear lots of opinions. At the end of the day, I know what I feel and I know what she has said she feels. It's good enough for me. I'll chat with her soon when we're both in a nice relaxed environment. Sex isn't everything for me (and I don't think her either). I feel that we've become incredibly close already in such a short time.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 02/02/2020 01:25

I think it's lovely and romantic that you're taking time to get to know each other properly.

12345kbm · 02/02/2020 02:10

I think what people are trying to say OP, is that you seem to have skipped the courting stage and gone straight to 'bottle of wine on the sofa and see what's on telly' stage.

Part of the courting stage is not being able to keep your hands off each other. Wanting to be alone so you can get intimate. It's the honeymoon period where you're on your best behaviour and can hardly eat because you're full of butterflies. You tend to go out, even if it's for a couple of drinks. Cinema, walk, lunch, coffee, exhibition, dinner etc etc you know, dates. Dating.

Once things get serious and you've decided that there may be more to the relationship, you talk about introducing families and friends. Children need stability so a revolving door of new people isn't good for them. Children are prioritised, not an afterthought. It's very difficult for children to see their parents with another potential partner. That's why they are introduced once things are in for the long term.

People are questioning why, when you've only met a few times and haven't slept together yet, that you're bringing children into the equation.

Most people are very attracted to the person they're seeing. It's part of being in a relationship and after a few months, you meet up and just rip each other's clothes off. Not for everyone, obviously, some people are asexual or don't think sexual attraction is important. However, the urge to procreate in order to keep the human race going is a pretty strong urge.

DaisyD22 · 02/02/2020 08:18

2-3 months seems quite long, to wait for sex. Especially if you have as you say this great connection.But again, everyone is different so it doesn't mean there are some fixed rules.
How old is the child? Going to nursery or preschool? Can't you just talk to her openly, that you fancy her bad and want to take things physically further and see what she says? And if she wants, too, can't you both somehow schedule the day when you are both free, even daytime? Child at the nursery or with a relative, friend, babysitter for 6-8 hours? Even take a day off work, go out for a nice breakfast or lunch, movie and come back home to have sex? Getting someone to know sexually for the first time should be comfortable and stress free so an idea of a child around or rushing things, being quiet can be a turn off.

dingdang · 02/02/2020 08:27

When I met my boyfriend we waiting around two months before we slept together. He has not met my child yet and I haven't met his, and we have been together about a year. It depends what the relationship is going to be and no need to rush it, especially if you think it's going to be long term. I think my relationship will be separate from my family life but that's how I want to keep it for now.

category12 · 02/02/2020 09:31

Exactly what 12345kbm said.

Original poster
Booker82 · 02/02/2020 11:15

Thanks 12345

I definitely see what you mean. Unfortunately it's more a case of lack of opportunity rather than not wanting to go out more. I can't take time off in the day with my job otherwise I'd definitely be going round then too.

It probably does seem like we skipped the dating stage, but I'd rather see her than wait ages for an opportunity for a date. We've certainly met more than 'a few times'. I guess it's just the sex thing that people get hung up on which is fair enough. I'm certainly trying to arrange ways to have some alone time. It's not that it wouldn't naturally move that way if there were more opportunities. We touch and kiss plenty.

The children thing . . .again, that's priority number 1 for us. They have to be put first.

OP posts: