Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

[Lastreng91]

Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

I'm doing it in 2 parts. Which I guess is manipulative but boo bloody hoo. Telling him he had to get a job and a lesson or 2 under his belt before the end of Feb. That means he'll have some money when he leaves and a source of income so he'll be easier to get rid of and may even take less of our joint things like the TV or even the car. A girl can dream. It also means he can pay some maintenance ASAP. Cold hearted aren't I!

(Just saw your PM. I'll reply now sorry!)

OP, I would suggest you indeed tell him how unhappy you are and that divorce is now firmly on your mind..... but honestly, it is up to him to join the dots and make suggestions.... he has to fix this....not you.

💐

OP, stop looking after him. He's taking nothing from the house. Nothing. This is your children's home. Offer him NOTHING!!

Spell it out to him that this relationship is nearly over. Yours is a courtesy conversation...allow him to ponder that.

He needs to move out of your home....give yourself time to regroup and get your head together.

There are so many great husband's and fathers out there......I just have absolutely zero interest or tolerance for the others.

I don't believe he deserves to be afforded anything but very very basic consideration.

He's been abusing you.
Get him out.
See how you feel then.
💐

Oh yes, quite right. It's up to him entirely. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it be a decent husband and father...

I'm doing what someone suggested and calling 101 to explain it might get nasty. And I will try to insist he doesn't take the TV because the kids use it and he has the pc. Same with the car, initially. I'll explain that. I don't know that they can help but I'll dig my heels in and they can at least be there as a backup option if he refuses to leave or whatever dumb stuff.

Exactly.
You need to mind you.
Your children need the healthy parent healthy.

You cannot look after his interests and yours at the same time....

Your children will be the looser if you try and look after him to the detriment of your needs.

Look after you....and your children will be safe and well.

You are getting stronger by every post and joining the dots.

Your MH has been compromised by him.

You can do this.💐

Thank you you've been so helpful on this thread. I really appreciate it.

I'm covering my own arse a bit too as well with the end of Feb thing. I'll be able to kick him out knowing it wasn't out of the blue for him and whatever friends and family think, I've been dignified and reasonable.

Hmmmm he sounds insecure and you sound defensive and like you feel bad that he has put up with a lot of bumps in the road from your side. Are you trying to punish him by leaving? Do you feel disgusted or embarrassed that he stood by you during your mh troubles? I think it sounds quite complicated and would caution not to do anything in haste that you might later regret. I would focus on feeling mentally healthy and communicating with him. It sounds a bit like you’re punishing him for not agreeing with you and not being compliant to your family and friends and needs, which tbf is controlling behaviour coming from you. Surely everyone has made the occasional off remarks to their partners. Surely everyone is allowed a hobby, eg gaming. Work on your communication.

No, I wouldn't divorce someone as punishment. That's a bit messed up

And no I don't feel disgusted or ashamed. Why would I?

I want out because I feel suffocated by a man who has no drive to work or achieve anything or take his kids out or pay them the right attention. Then there's the jealousy and controlling behaviour.

Gaming from breakfast until 10pm with breaks to change a nappy or maybe wash up isn't a hobby. It's an addiction.

OP, you are doing so well.

Please don't allow your core decency and kindness work against you.

Look after you, your MH, and your children will be safe.

Your decency is clear to.reaf to those whom have read the full thread.👍💐

I'm confused. Why are you worrying about losing the car if he doesn't drive.

It's taken me months to work up the backbone and clarity to get to this point. Thank you for the support and advice. I'm going to just stick to irl support from now. I doubt myself so much as it is and am trying to keep my momentum so I don't wuss out and spend another 6 months, year, or longer in this situation

Up thread I said that his dad paid for it so he'll see it as his and by law if he paid for it, it is his. So he'll try it.

OP, whatever you feel is best for YOU is what you should do.

You sound like a great, strong woman, who has the strength of character and definitely the mental strength to do anything.

Come back and post again, only and if you want to.

Wishing you and your children every good wish for the future.

I sense you really have this..💐👏

Thank you Billy

Hopefully I'll be back here next with with a new thread about how it went OK in the end and I did it

What the actual fuck @littlejalapeno?
Did you read the same thread we all have?!

Are you trying to punish him by leaving? Do you feel disgusted or embarrassed that he stood by you during your mh troubles?
Why would OP feel disgusted or embarrassed about being helped with mental health issues? There is nothing to be ashamed about.

I would focus on feeling mentally healthy
Errrm...OP is having therapy, has returned to part-time work, seeing family and friends, going for long walks/exercising, spending time with the kids, etc .

Surely everyone is allowed a hobby, eg gaming.
The gaming is not a hobby. OP’s husband doesn’t work. He practically games all day and ignores their son. It sounds like an addiction.

I would caution not to do anything in haste that you might later regret.
OP’s not making any decisions in haste, she’s keeping a diary and planning to speak to her husband about her concerns. Plus seeking the advice of friends, family and therapist.

Surely everyone has made the occasional off remarks to their partners.
He’s called her a slut and thrown a moisturiser bottle at her. That is NOT an “off remark” as you so pathetically put it. That is ABUSE.

Work on your communication.
Did you miss the part where OP says she’s spoken to her DH multiple times about the gaming & how it affects her and the family?

It sounds a bit like you’re punishing him for not agreeing with you and not being compliant to your family and friends and needs, which tbf is controlling behaviour coming from you.
LOL. Yes, OP is the controlling one you lunatic.

@Wizardof

Thank you🙏💐👏

@Lastreng91 ignore @littlejalapeno , they must be bored. Reported. We can all see what this guy is like, and more than support you- 100% xxxxx

Thank you WizardofAus that's made me feel less shitty about it.

Tomorrow is the day. It'll be at about 1pm. So I've got to try and stay calm until then. I'll have therapy in the morning which is helpful. I'll be telling my therapist everything.

I'm taking him to a local coffee place. I'm going to write what I need to say down and have him read it. Then he can't butt in with anything or derail it. What happens after depends on how big a dick he is about it.

You are doing brilliantly OP but I dont think you're quite there just yet.

There are several points that grab me.

I believe you are a rape survivor? So sorry. Me too.
You were I'll enough to be admitted
You are very intelligent
Maybe a weight issue? (I think I read that)
Lack of support from mum
Obviously in therapy

This man has NPD. He is an abusive monster.

Therefore, you are firmly in the FOG.

Egg-gate has attracted much attention. I will tell you why it happened.

In that moment where you jockingly called him a name, what you ACTUALLY did was provide Challenge fuel. And you wounded him. You said he was 'seething'. Yes, he was. So he had to exert control. Hence the egg.

When he failed to get the response he needed, fuel, he quickly retreated. Doleing out an Absent Silent Treatment to 1- punish you and 2- Remove himself from you in case you elicited a further wound.

Does that make sense? So egg-gate was PIVOTAL to you beginning to join the dots.

Other pointers are black/white adore/abhorred thinking.

Isolation - standard
Victim? - Bet it's there...
Vulnerable woman? Yep, you are
Laziness - standard
Low level negging, quips, put downs - standard

This man has a personality disorder. No therapy can make him change long term or even make him aware of it

Breaking things with absence of physical violence? Highly indicative

His toxicity will already have started to effect the children. He needs to be removed. Immediately.

Also, it's very difficult to make progress in therapy if you are in an abusive relationship. Just pampering over the cracks.

You've been through a lot and suffered a lot. You dont need to keep on suffering.

Thank you. That made me quite tearful but not in a bad way. Just some home truths.

I've gone to the bloody supermarket so I can write out a letter to show him tomorrow so he can't derail me from saying what needs to be said, especially if we're in public. On my way out he says "don't be overlong" I asked what he meant. He said he'll be timing me. This is all in "jest" and I said why would it matter even if I was, because I took the boys out twice yesterday and I need some peace to work on my therapy homework (technically not a lie and the supermarket has a coffee shop attached). Then he repeated that he was joking but why was I being so weird about it. Does he have something to worry about

I don't even know what hes implying but it's either that I'm going to go off and kill myself which of course I bloody won't. I've been perfectly "normal". Or that I'm meeting up with my bloody supermarket lover 😂 he says this shit all the time but since I've had my eyes opened watching him say it and be like that really had me like 😯 wtaf is wrong with him.