Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

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Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

The bigger issue is that when I try to talk about relationship issues we're having he gets so defensive that it's not worth it and now I just don't broach things unless it's really essential but it feels shitty.

I haven't read the full thread but this is enough. If your feelings are not welcome, taken on board, and respected, then it's not a healthy relationship. Whether he is abusive or not is another matter, but he's not being loving and it won't be good for you emotionally to stay.

However the conversation went today, you know at some level this is not the man you love or want. Listen to your heart. Dont let any obligation cloud your desires.

If you feel living by yourself with your DCs will get you more happiness then that's it.

I wasted 3 years with my abusive H as he pleaded and pleaded. I was confused just like you. And I gave in. Gravest mistake.

Listen to your heart. And plan your move. If you are not happy you dont have to stay in the relationship for another day. It's a free world.

Thank you billy I really need that. I feel guilty about my mh a lot. I was very unwell and made some awful choices during the fortnight that it came to a head. Nothing I haven't already mentioned but I basically just scared everyone I love. I'm miles away from that person now but I know it leaves a mark on people around you and I get so caught up in trying to balance what I need/want with what I feel I 'owe' those close to me for putting them through it.

Did you ever consider he’s angry with you for trying to kill yourself and he doesn’t know how to deal with that as it’s quite unfair to you. From what you’ve said it sounds likely and that could explain the temper though obviously not justify it. Have you talked about that with him?

None of that means you deserve abuse, mate. You don't. And as @billy1966 said, you need to do what you feel you have to do-we're soon dead.

It'll be bound to help your mental health to not have to be free of this situation, and that'll help your DC too.

Sounds to me like he’s not helping your MH.

Having to carry his dead weight is adding to your mental load.

If he cared about your wellbeing he’d be taking the children off and doing things with them, sorting out the house and bringing an income in. Being the sole bread winner is also a massive strain.

He seems to know exactly what to say to keep you trapped, because he makes out like it’s all your fault.

I bet your MH would improve vastly without him around.

I don't know. Because the temper has been about other very specific things. Not anything mental health related.

I did suggest earlier he maybe gets therapy himself to process what happened and how he's feeling and he said it's uneccesary.

Oh forgot to add the temper issue goes back a year before I got unwell

It does confuse me that he says he's worried ill kill myself as a reason for these things but then make my life considerably harder when he wanted to be my 'carer'. If I was as worried about him I'd be taking some weight off the daily routine especially if I was off work. I'm not saying that to be petty. It genuinely confuses me as it's like a contradiction between actions and words

' It genuinely confuses me as it's like a contradiction between actions and words'

It's hypocritical (and probably gaslighting) bollox, that's why.

Yes it started after around 10 months but I didn't recognise it until 1.5 years in. And didn't really recognise it until way after we'd split up.

Of course it is a contradiction between actions and words. Words are easy, it is the actions that you have to look at.

At the risk of being accused of projecting by the pp, when xh was trying everything to bring me back in to line as we separated, he would send me emails written in the early hours about how much he loved me and was heartbroken. When he saw me, he would scream I was a 'fucking cunt' in my face, along with other delightful obscenities.

Wait to see what his actions tell you over the next few days.

At the end of the day, if you are unhappy, that is reason enough to get him to leave. Maybe you could ask him to leave for a month to give you some 'space to think' and see if that helps to get him out.

@frazzledasarock

Agree.

OP, so what if you were really unwell for a couple of weeks and made some dodgy choices. It flipping happens.

Him stopping work and doing fxxx all around the house except gaming tells me he has conveniently used your illness to suit him.

You have NOTHING to be guilty for.
Your were unwell.

Stop punishing yourself.
It is unhelpful to your MH.

That nasty husband of yours has punished you more than enough.

Do not allow him to manipulate you any more.

💐

Thank you for the responses. I'm taking it all on board. You're right that its not a way to excuse everything he's been doing and not doing. I've got therapy in an hour and I'm exhausted.

He woke me up saying at 3am why am I being so cold and non-tactile and basically avoiding his touch. I explained these things have built up a roadblock and that I've pulled away to preserve my sanity. He brought up my mh again and that got spoken about a bit. He said he just lives to make sure I'm OK and well and lives for the boys. God it's exhausting. I'm hoping my therapist can politely verbally knock some sense onto me either way. Just help me see the wood for the trees. Sorry this thread is so rambling and I seem a bit spineless. I don't have many reserves for drama and stress so this whole week has sucked me dry. It's affecting how much effort I feel I can put into being firm and potentially causing further drama.

I did say, out of frustration "I was psychotically depressed. I was seeing things that werent there and believed some strange shit. I couldn't help it and I hate that but it's how it was".

' I don't have many reserves for drama and stress so this whole week has sucked me dry. '

I can understand that, of course. Please look after yourself. xxx Let us know how you get on at therapy, as much as you feel able.

'I did say, out of frustration "I was psychotically depressed. I was seeing things that werent there and believed some strange shit. I couldn't help it and I hate that but it's how it was".'

Good for you, don't let him shame you for something you can't help, or use it against you.

OP, he woke you at 3am to tell you he lives for you and the boys.

Yea right.

Waking you at 3am is further evidence of what a selfish, abusive twat he is.

Of course being exhausted works in his favour.

Do not allow him to Brow beat you OP.

You are doing great.

On MN I often read of women who got away and spend the following couple of years remembering the deliberately shitty things that were done to them to isolate, undermine and manipulate them by their abusers.

He woke you deliberately to make you even more exhausted.

💐

There is truth in that I think. He fell asleep straight after and I was up another few hours.

Obviously he's being sweet as pie this morning...

My therapist was great. Obviously she can't tell me what to do but she was quite 😮 about some of it. We worked through the bottle throwing incident play by play as part of therapy.

Just remembered. He also said last night that he was depressed before he met and and I cured him so he doesn't need therapy. Bit too much responsibility on me no???

Of course he went back to sleep.
His job was done.

It's all done to you OP, he's laying everything at the feet of your MH. How convenient.

Of course with abusers it would be something else if he didn't have that to use.

How about you go back to bed and leave him to it as he woke you up and see how that plays out!

I'm in bed now. Resting more than sleeping. My mind is gojng 100mph and tbh I've just been googling loads today and trying to gain some better perspective and empowerment to do what I thinks best for me and the kids

Waking you in the middle of the night is an abuse tactic.

Ex used to do that, he’d wake me up from deep sleep to argue with me or make a point about something or ‘discuss’ something ‘essential’. He was fine, not going it to work I was on my knees working full time, taking care of a two young dc.

It kept him in control whilst I just survived and couldn’t think straight enough to leave the bastard.

That sounds horrible. I'm glad you're out of that.

He followed me upstairs now DS is on nursery and kept asking if I was OK and now he's bloody asleep next to me. He asked me to be more affectionate last because I'm freaking him out. Every bit of contact we've had today has made my skin crawl because it's essentially been forced.

I'm trying to get my therapy covered then I can be more decisive. DS struggles getting to know new environments and people. Nursery can't accommodate him in the mornings apparently now so he'd need morning sessions only 2 days a week and now I feel guilty as hell and like I should just quit therapy so I can be out of this mess. But it's so vital to me.

I said to my therapist, it's like i have this primal scream building up inside of me. It's all I can hear in my mind when he's near me right now.