Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

[Lastreng91]

Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

He may also mean don't leave me here with the kids alone too long because I cba to be a hands on parent for more than an hour. Also a plausible reason. Ffs.

It's probably all of those things but it is also a veiled threat in order to keep you in line, remind you he is in charge and to keep you in the back foot and anxious. After all, it's worked so well for him for a long time.

Wow, reported? Ok looks like the LTB crowd is out in force and there shall be no other questions! Look OP I wish you the best and I hope you do what’s right for yourself. I can only ask questions based on my experience and understanding of your posts and how you have presented yourself. I think a lot of people are over invested in your struggle and it’s tempting to interpret things to a LTB agenda. No one is perfect but if you are not happy then you must do what you think is right to make yourself happy. Random internet commenters don’t have to live your life, as much as they project into it. Hope you find what you need.

Well thanks for the difference of opinion. H messaged to say he didn't mean anything by it. He's obviously had a jolt as I've never challenged that behaviour before. I'm really confused tbh. Tomorrow will be telling I guess.

Side note, I know Ive swayed further towards leaving through the thread but it's not just because strangers told me to. It's mostly my own realisations and questions about what's going on.

He’s being placatory as he can sense you pulling away from him and fighting against his control.

I am unashamedly leave the fucking bastard camp.

I was in an abusive relationship for a decade and lost my twenties trying to ‘make it work’ trying to justify my need to leave the marriage.

I have DD’s and they know they don’t need to stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in. They need nothing more concrete than that. You don’t want to be with this man, so sees you at your most vulnerable and who sleeps in your bed. Then jolly well don’t stay. Leave. My house is always theirs no matter how old I am or where in the world I am, my doors are open for them.

My friends dad told her that on her wedding day. Her husband’s lovely but friends dad wanted to underline that she was not ever without love and support.

I think this should be ingrained in our girls. Mostly because it’s women I have met who have been terrified into putting up with horrendous situations, questioning themselves, giving ‘one more chance’ to the detriment of themselves.

Be safe, I’m willing you to a wonderful happy, anxiety free life.

Thank you I'm sorry you had that experience I'm very aware that I just turned 29. I had a hard 20s. Single parent for a few years, worked damn hard to do an access course, learn to drive etc. Have worked so hard on my mh and developed lots of insight and control over my emotions and behaviour. Have got a nice house that I had to go to a B&B in Slough for as we were homeless for a month in 2012. I want this next decade to be the decade where things go well for me and the DCs, where I work my way out of the benefits system and we are just more secure and happy. I don't want it to be another hard decade on us all. Idealistic maybe bit it's how I feel. Life is hard sometimes and that's unavoidable but some things can be avoided.

H took the boys out while I was out. He must be aware on some level that I'm pulling away mentally. He hasn't taken them out without me since March! I told him about my plan for tomorrow, for us to go get coffee and have a chat about things and he seems on board with that. At least I don't have to fake being super OK tonight. I can actually relax a bit.

Thank you for rtft by the way. I know it's super long and rambling!

Well that went shit. Disappointed really. It ended up all coming out this evening once the kids were in bed.

He said the concert about my timing is from me trying to kill myself last year. I can understand that to an extent. It must have been traumatising. He said he'd been cheated on every girl he's been with. I said that's not my issue and he agreed. He said he'll stay off the pc in the day and help out more. He said he'll look for work but won't rush into the first job he sees. I said learn to drive, he said we can't afford it now and he'll do it when hes working. I said he's overall been quite controlling which he took placidly. And mostly used my breakdown as the reason. I kind of get that.

I feel really disheartened. I said I was at the end of my patience so he knows that. I just feel like maybe I shouldve said I just don't live you anymore, which isn't far off. I don't fancy him right now and keep swinging between feeling like we had something good and like I want him to vanish. Forever. Im disappointed in myself.

*concern!

*love

Sorry, I typed in a rush

I don't think he took it seriously. I mean he listened and said OK to a lot of it. I don't know.

He's tried to downplay and justify every bit of his bad behaviour by blaming you and your accepting it all agreeing ( maybe it is my fault he worries , maybe I can understand that bit ) don't listen stick to your original thoughts and carry on with your plans to leave , abusive men will turn on the charm when it's needed eg when they think we are leaving and seemingly turn into the prince that we first fell for , then after a while the mask slips and your another 6 months wasting your life still x

I genuinely can't tell with some of it. I did run off one day and try to kill myself, which resulted in my section. But I was clearly very very very unwell. He must know I'm not anymore. I tell him all the time I'm fine. He has nothing to worry about. I feel so guilty about last year. I don't know if that clouds my judgement.

Thanks for responding. I just want to cry tbh after being strong and stoic all week. I feel trapped and like I owe him the benefit of the doubt.

From your first post I'd say he's genuinely scared you will do something like kill yourself. Especially if you've tried before. But I'm sure a sensible talk with him to correct his fears is all you need. Maybe agree if you go out after an argument you will call him in 30min afterwards, or agree a safe place you can go to in public so he knows your OK. Be wary of MNs Fucking with your head to. Xxx

I don't go out if weve argued but I see what you mean. Thanks.

So sorry @Lastreng91

Think about what you owe yourself, what kind of life you want for yourself. What are your wants and needs? All the very best

I don't want to be with him. At least not right now. But I've been so shut to him last year. I don't know. Sorry. I'm a bit of a mess this evening!

*shit

I feel like a bitch

I think I need space but he's got nowhere to go

It doesn't matter even if he is sometimes motivated by worry- he's done enough other dodgy stuff to prove he's not a good/safe person to be with. The egg incident, throwing stuff etc- that isn't motivated by concern for your well being- quite the opposite.

'But I've been so shut to him last year.'

No, you haven't. You were ill. It doesn't justify his intimidation etc, and anyway, what matters is how you feel about the situation. You're not a bitch at all.

What I would suggest if you're dissatisfied and feel up to it, do it again tomorrow as you'd planned, and convey more of what you want to convey. Or you can do it next time you feel ready. You can talk over it in therapy tomorrow.

Write down any bits you missed out/don't feel you conveyed well, and consider bringing them up again (I know it might sound wearing, but it's an option.)

Thank you. I'll try. I wish I could escape for a week. For clarity's sake.

Could you somehow do that?

He is being controlling, no matter the reason.

The fact that he is refusing to look for work, does nothing with the children, loses his temper with them, is gaming, throwing things ... is nothing to do with your mh last year.

I said to him that he can't piggyback that for everything and it only "explains" why he worries when I don't respond much to messages or take ages at the shops etc. It doesn't explain his stuff with the kids or his temper during a few exchanges. He says he's working on all that now. I don't believe he'll get a in any hurry. He says hell keep the pc off in the day starting tomorrow. Again, we've had that chat before. I wonder if hell last longer than his usual week.

I don't find him attractive and haven't done for about 6 months, when some of this all ramped up and I'd recovered enough to see what was going on too. That's an issue too. I explained I don't want sex with him because of these issues and I won't be making myself try anymore until these things are resolved or whatever happens etc. So at least he knows and I can relax about that.

I wish we didn't have children because id just be out of it.

OP, it is very very convenient for him to blame everything on your MH.

He's neither nice nor kind.

I think you did really well.

You have put him on notice that things are not going well.

Tell him you want physical space from him if you don't want him near you.
He just has to deal with it.
If he doesn't, tell him get out.

Stop feeling guilty for something you didn't have any control over.

He's a lazy, selfish, abusive man.

If you are done, you are done.
The choice is yours.

Make no apology for telling him you have had enough.

If he decides that placating you and just carrying on is his plan, so be it.

You do not have to stay in this relationship.
You are allowed to be done.

,💐