Sex talk - is this normal?

[Bluegreenandyellow]

I feel like these things aren’t normal but I’m struggling to frame them. Dh doesn’t shout or anything, I think he might think this is meant to be attractive? It doesn’t feel it and I don’t like it.

Tells me if I walk around wearing x I will get it whether I want it or not.
Calls me his ‘sexy piece of ass’ as in he will say ‘whose sexy piece of ass is this? It’s mine’
Asks when he will ‘gets a go on his sexy piece of ass’
Says things like ‘I want to knock the back out of you.’ And ‘get your knickers off and go and lie and think of England for three minutes.’
Bought me some chocolate and when I thanked him said ‘got to have your eyes on the prize.’
Says things such as ‘it’s my marital rights to have sex on tap’

He’s never forced me or anything. He has sulked so that I’ve given in though.

He makes comments quite frequently about killing me / another man if i left him and met someone else or if I cheated on him. But it’s said jokingly. He also says I’m never allowed to leave him and puts his arms around me and says ‘this I the ring of steel I’ve got you in.’

None of it is said in an abusive way or anything but I frequently feel like an object rather than anything else. Are these normal jokes? I don’t know.

He sounds like Monkfish from The Fast Show

He is a prize wanker OP, this really isn’t normal

WOMEN ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THINGS MEN DO OR SAY.

Agree. Definitely...but everyone (man or woman) is responsible for clear communication no matter what they think the other person should or shouldn't know. Unless they're mind readers.

Only after clear communication ("I don't like this!" "Stop!" "Don't say that to me again!" "This is awful what you're saying, please stop saying them", etc) and continued behaviour, would you declare judgement.

This is why I've asked OP what she says or does when he says these things. If she joins in, laughs, follows through, etc how in the world is he supposed to know she is not comfortable? Be clear or leave if you can't and are uncomfortable where you are.

Are you actually reading the comments? You keep saying "I just don't know if this is normal" and we all keep saying "NO IT ISN'T", and then your next comment is "but I just wonder if this is normal" - aargh!!

OP, he is truly awful. He is clearly not a nice, normal man.

As a PP has said, some of the things he says could be acceptable in a submissive type relationship but you have clearly not agreed to be in a relationship like that.

He is weird and creepy. I don't know how you have lived with being treated like this. I can only see his behaviour getting worse and him abusing you physically. Do not stick around to let this happen OP, leave now.

Seems to me the problem is that OP didn't want to rock this boat (relationship) for some reason but the posts here might give her some answers and courage to do what she probably already feels needs to be done.

OP, the ball is now in your court. You've got your answer:

a) Find a safe place with support and leave quietly and carefully if you fear for your safety OR

b) Address your concerns with him if you know he's not being really mean (as you mentioned in your OP) and tell him you no longer wish to be addressed that way.

If he respects that and changes, stay or leave if you want.

If he doesn't, leave if you want.

It's not normal. I mean there is joking like you're about to have sex and a guy says "ooh you ready to lie back and think of England then?!" In a joking tone, you laugh a lot as does he - I've had that sort of relationship in the past or "I'm not getting past that" if I was in a onesie

The difference is it was teasing and we would both be laughing. You're not laughing and he's angry

Do you have a friend in RL you can trust/talk to. This isn't normal and it sounds like his behaviour is getting worse.

You need to realise it isn't normal and be confident in that belief, explain your discomfort, give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't stop it leave before he whittles away more of your sense of what's right or wrong.

Op you have to decide what's your normal. If these comments make you uncomfortable then, you have to keep on showing your displeasure whenever you can . I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but if you don't like something and you continue to comply then that soon becomes the new normal.

No this isn't normal and not something you should be putting up with. It sounds gross.

Oh I really don't like the sound of this, OP. Someone else asked how you'd feel if your DD was being treated this way...fuck, that me sit up and think and I'm not even the one in your position. You've had a lot of food for thought tonight, hope you're ok

He either has a terrible sense of humour or he sounds very controlling, neither are exactly good. I think some couples do talk in that type of way but normally both people are on the same page

It's linked to the idea that sex is a duty that women perform for their partners, rather than something they might actually enjoy themselves. Hence the instruction to 'lie back and think of England'- basically lay on your back while it's done to you and try to keep your mind off what's happening. Incredibly grim and rapey.

Oh my god that's vile 🤮

get your knickers off and go and lie and think of England for three minutes.
You'd be better off pulling up your big girl's pants and telling him to fuck off. And mean it.
It's just so demeaning.

This IS abusive !

Said in joking lighthearted ways yes - abusive people do this on PURPOSE so that you don't think it really is abuse, that adds to you questioning and doubting yourself more -

Please take this seriously you deserve much much more

Ew

Grim. You are not ‘his piece of ass’ you are an adult woman. I’d take threats to kill you very seriously, OP. None of this is normal, it’s objectifying and misogynist shite. Consider getting your ducks in a row and don’t tell him.

He sounds GRIM. No way on earth should you put up with that.

It is normal...for abusive,controlling arseholes whose behaviour can and does escalate.

He broke your boundaries one by one. He controls what you wear to bed ffs. He relies on your fear to be compliant.

At the moment you give in because it's easier. Because you have been trained to . Don't think he's not abusive because he doesn't shout or harm you...he only doesn't do it because you give in. He will once he demands something more important,and there will always be something more.

Run, don't look back. Life's too short and precious to put up with this kind of shit from an arsehole.

Is this a joke?

I think it is not normal. The sexy piece of ass part would be fine in isolation but it's a lot more than that and makes him seem like a sex maniac.

Apart from the fact he is a control freak from a sexist dark age...I bet he is a really, really lousy lover. Any man who views his partner as a piece of meat to be prodded upon his whim probably wouldn't know how to make a woman orgasm if he had a satnav of the female anatomy and Dr Ruth coaching him through the steps...leave him and buy something from Ann Summers that doesn't talk so medieval, and lets you wear PJ's....you must be freezing!

I've read this before. Wasn't it deleted in the end?

It's very hard to say without hearing it in person. My dh likes a bit of crude talk and I don't mind it so will just laugh at him. If you feel uncomfortable something is off though

It doesn't matter if it's normal or not. It matters that YOU don't like it and he does it anyway.

You need to leave him, OP.

Reading your question made my blood run cold. Been there - it will only get worse. And worse. You cannot be 'walking on eggshells' for fear of doing - or not doing - something, for fear he will sulk, or whine, or go on and on and on and on... not nasty, of course, just because he really adores you, of course, and wants to push your sex lives to the absolute limit of pleasure, of course... but it isn't pleasure, is it? Not for you, how could you enjoy sex with someone so twisted, so controlling, so abusive? And abuse is what this is. You need to get out, and don't let any of his words persuade you that there is a future with this man in which he will no longer be so vile.