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Original poster

Should I get a vasectomy

550 replies

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 10:08

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower8919 · 30/01/2020 09:19

kudalini
I am sorry but I can’t not respond to that. I have always prioritised her in our marriage! I have always tried to consider her needs first and support each other. Her career is really important to her and yes she earns more than me but i wanted to become a SAHP for childcare and the kids but also to support her so that she can flourish in her career. I gave up my job son she can do that. I don’t regret and am not using it as points against her but just want to point out I definitely do prioritise and support her

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 30/01/2020 09:22

It was my husband's choice to get a vasectomy as we didn't want any more children and he felt me and my body had done enough with being pregnant twice that it should be his turn to do something for us. It was a simple procedure and he was dancing round the house the next day.

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 09:31

nomore, I think I more meant that if the children are settled with dad as their primary carer, courts usually want the status quo for children.
But I guess if he wants to use childcare to facilitate his new family....I think I'd look down on that tbh. He had kids, they are his priority.

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 09:36

OP, I honestly think vasectomy is the right choice here. I bet if you had come to the decision on your own, without pressure, you wouldn't be having such doubts.

And, if you did divorce her, what's to say you wouldn't get together with a woman with kids already of her own?

ddraigygoch · 30/01/2020 09:37

Don't be so bloody ridiculous! You are just typing absolute sexist BS.

No they would not look down on a man getting a job to support his household. No they would not look down on a working single father deciding to enter into a new relationship.

You know just like they don't for all the women all over MN. Who I bet you don't go grilling like this.

Original poster
Flower8919 · 30/01/2020 09:38

spinrek I don’t want a new family!!!! I love my current one and am doing everything I can to make it work.

If for some reason, which I hope doesn’t ever happen I end up divorced and with another partner. I would be happy to be a SAHP still but that totally depends on what she wants and whether she earned enough for me to be a SAHP

OP posts:
vixfromthestix · 30/01/2020 09:38

My DH and I are having similar conversations at the moment. I recently had a medical issue that now means I can no longer have any form of hormonal contraception and I really don't want to have the coil fitted. Due to other health issues we both have (and my recent diagnosis) having children together is off the table, but I would never consider telling him to have a vasectomy. He is younger than I am; I may die or he may decide later down the line that a family of his own is important to him. Fortunately we are both happy to use condoms and once my cycle has settled down I will track that also. I do think she has put you in a very difficult position and I really hope you can work this out.

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 09:48

ddraig., I said I would look down on it, if the only reason he was using childcare was to enable him to have this new family.....not because using childcare is bad.
Um, I'm really not explaining it well.....maybe if I put my kids in wraparound care just because I wanted to adopt a new baby? A choice that puts my kids standard of living down a few notches for my own satisfaction seems wrong to me??

ddraigygoch · 30/01/2020 09:50

Childcare is not enabling him to have a new family. It would be putting food on his children's table.

You can't explain sexism well. It can't be done.

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 09:52

Ok draig, whatever Grin

Original poster
Flower8919 · 30/01/2020 09:57

Sorry spinrek. I love my kids more than anything and their care always comes first or at least equal with my wife. I wouldn’t do anything to deliberately give them a worse standard of living and didn’t mean anything I said to cone across that way.

I am seriously considering the vasectomy and I think I will probably end up doing it. I am just trying to make an informed decision.

OP posts:
Spinrek · 30/01/2020 10:06

Op, I think that not getting one would ultimately end up with resentment on both sides; her for you not 'taking one for the team' and you for the lack of sex.

Then, once it's done. And sex will never be the cause of stress, or side effects for the one on hormones.

Scott72 · 30/01/2020 10:07

Isn't it sad but true that when women wind up supporting men financially, even if those men are working hard as SAHPs, those women sometimes wind up losing respect for their men? I'm detecting a possible lack of respect for him here, the way she's arbitrarily rejecting all possible contraceptive options except vasectomy and refusing to listen to his concerns.

Original poster
Flower8919 · 30/01/2020 10:37

I do want to try and avoid any resentment as much as possible.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 30/01/2020 10:45

I wanted my dh to have a vasectomy, I bought into the sexist spiel about how I had "done my bit" by carrying babies (which is a ridiculous argument because it was MY choice to do so) and he should "do his bit"

But he said he wasn't done having children. I was, so I got sterilized. I never want to go through pregnancy again, and wouldn't for anything, or anyone, therefore limiting my own choices made perfect sense!

Yes, you can try to reverse a vasectomy, but it doesn't always work. There can be terrible complications post surgery, and female sterilization isn't as bad as everyone would like you to believe.

Isitsixoclockalready · 30/01/2020 10:48

I think that my wife would be keen on me having a vasectomy but it's a no from me. On the other hand, she is not keen on using birth control and that is her choice so we use condoms. No-one should be pressured into doing something that affects their bodies.

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 10:52

@differentnameforthis lol, it wasn't really your choice as men can't have babies, so it fell to you. Unless your husband didn't want a family and you elected to go all in and only ask him for a sperm donation?

KundaliniRising · 30/01/2020 10:54

My point was op that you seem to be happy for your wife to take care of contraception and talked to her about her having a sterilisation and yet you are fuck arseing around with the idea of you having a sterilisation.

I am wondering as to where your priorities lie.....

Original poster
Flower8919 · 30/01/2020 10:57

We did mention about her being sterilised when we chatted but I don’t really know very much about it and she said it is not an option we can consider.

I honestly think that a vasectomy is the only way I can save my marriage and keep the family together so I think I am going to go ahead with it. It is a big decision to never be able to have kids again but I need to think about the kids I have already and I think this is the only way to keep the family together and give them a better life

OP posts:
Spinrek · 30/01/2020 10:57

@Scott72 I think I'd lose respect for a man who was happy to watch me suffer with hormonal contraceptives, and live with the constant fear of pregnancy than take any responsibility.
She could just chose to not have PIV sex, but OP has made it clear that he wants his cake AND to eat it too.

differentnameforthis · 30/01/2020 10:59

@KundaliniRising I think that your wife should think very carefully if she wants to continue a relationship with a man who does not wish to step up and prioritise her.

Why should op do something that his wife isn't prepared to even consider?

@Spinrek A 'big part' of my relationship is not being exposed to unwanted pregnancies just so my DH can have a shag!

A big part of mine is realizing that I have no right to make my partner do anything by using shit excuses like "I carried our kids for 9 mths" because he didn't have a choice in that...

Contraception is a joint responsibility, yes. You simply cannot force someone to have surgery!

@Flower8919 I know that it is her choice on what contraception she uses

And it is your choice what you do and do not use

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 11:02

Op, I think doing it is right for you here. Maybe agree to her offer to pay for freezing sperm, then it's there if a future scenario ever calls for it. Any future wife so keen for your particular baby can fund the ivf.
@differentnameforthis , she is not forcing him. His unrelenting need for PIV sex is the driving factor in this. She is simply putting it out that her choices include no PIV.

KundaliniRising · 30/01/2020 11:05

Personally i feel that you both can use barrier method, the diaphragm and condom on fertile time and diaphram the rest of the time. There are lots of apps that can help with cycle and fertility tracking that would help you both know when to use extra method of condoms, typically it is about a week around ovulation which generally occurs at 14 days after first day of period, on a 28 day cycle. Learning about cervical mucus and ovulation is also handy.

She may be suitable for the Caya but will need to make sure by being fitted with one.

So there would be no need to either of you have surgery or use hormonal contraceptive.

KundaliniRising · 30/01/2020 11:17

differentnameforthis the risks for female sterilisation are far greater than for male sterilisation. The proceedure its self carries greater risks. So for him to say no to a male sterilisation and yet put female sterilisation on the table as a viable option is crass and selfish.

His motive for umming and ahhing about a vasectomy rests on the what if i separate from my wife and want to have more children with a different woman arguement. This seems to me rather backwards thinking. He has children, he doesnt want more with his wife, why would he think about having any more full stop?

ddraigygoch · 30/01/2020 11:30

She wouldn't have to have her tubes tied because he's making her.
It's because she is done with children. And the one is done is responsible for their choices.