Should I get a vasectomy

[Flower8919]

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

But her choice of 'no sex' means he would leave her, so she is sort of being coerced into sex AND sorting out contraception!

We don’t want to have any more kids together as we have decided two is enough and I of course don’t plan to split up with her as I love her.

They both have agreed that they dont want any more dc.

So as o have mentioned there is a compromise..... Both use barrier methods on fertile days and she can use a barrier method the rest of the time.

Dh and i have done this successfully for 9 years. Although we are older now (46 and 43) and we only use my caya diaphram on my fertile days as we keep track of my cycle. We love naked cock sex and find condoms get in the way of that.

And for the neigh sayers about frozen sperm or ICSI itself is very successful at helping the sperm and the egg to fertilise – fertilisation happens in around 90% of cases.

He is still producing the sperm so it can be extracted.

I am trying to do the best I can for our marriage for her and our kids and me. I have tried to find out all our options so we can sensibly discuss it. I did bring up using condoms and tracking her cycle yesterday but she really is not happy with condoms and I think she is set on that she has had bad experiences in the past so i don’t think she will change her mind.

I think putting our kids and marriage first a vasectomy is the only way to solve it. She has offered to pay for me to freeze my sperm but I am not sure how effective it is

And she is saying a flat no to condoms @KundaliniRising

Seems like you are asking for cast iron guarantees with 100% certainty for your options, but expect her to use a method that has failed her in the past.
The only guarantee for no pregnancy is no sex. But that's not good enough for you, so you need to bring the next best option to the table.

I wouldn't do it OP. No one should kill their future fertility unless they really want to.

I had what I thought was a good, stable marriage. This has since broken down and one of the things that really upsets me is I have had the chance of a family with a new partner taken away from me. In my case, as a woman this is because of my age. It would be massively more difficult if it were due to sterilization on the urging of my ex. If that were the case I would feel murderous.

OP, You are coming across as very woe is me and acting a bit like a martyr. Oh no, my wife has grown two children in 18 months. She's pumped her body with hormones from probably close to 15 years. She has had her body ruined and puts them before herself now she's a mum. And you won't just have a TINY incision in your balls to stop you both getting pregnant again. Get a grip.

If your wife has been on contraption the whole of your marriage/relationship. You both have two kids and don't want anymore. You love her and want to remain married. Get a vasectomy and stop your whinging.

My husband had one last year after having our two children. I refused to take any more contraception and wasn't going to grow another human inside of me for 9 months again. It was that or no sex because he didn't like condoms.

I do really appreciate everything that she has done and understand bc must be difficult.

I think am going to tell her that I will have a vasectomy. My main concern has just been because I am so young i am limiting having more kids Not if we separate but if something happens but I want to do the best for this family and just hope nothing does happen.

She has offered to pay for me to have my sperm frozen and so I am going to ask if we can do that but I am not sure how much it costs so hope that she will agree if it is quite expensive

If female sterilisation was as simple as it is for men, I'm sure the male version would never be needed again, but it's just not.
It's the one step the man can take, to relive the stress and damage she puts herself through to get to this point.

I really, really judge married men who won't do this.

I think they should be ashamed tbh.

OP I highly recommend some counselling before you do so (indeed it may be given your age it is required) because there are some worrying signs in your relationship regarding emotional and financial control

rhowton your situation is different because he would not use condoms the OP is willing

“I really, really judge married men who won't do this. I think they should be ashamed tbh.”

What a backward and, I suspect, hypocritical way of thinking (and I speak as a formerly married man who had it done whilst married).

Exactly the same rules on “my body, my choice” apply to men as to women. Marriage lengths, being what they are these days, should make anyone, man or woman, stop and consider what their long term future might look like before taking any irreversible decisions.

I can’t regret my vasectomy because I was sure that I didn’t want more kids at the point I had it. I was older than OP is now though and, had I been able to predict my exW’s future affair and subsequent long distance move with our DC, I might have made a different decision.

If being sterilised was such a simple task for women, I have no doubt that we would take the lead. Why is it hypocritical?
What do you mean by the long distance move? Are you saying if your were fertile you could 'start over' instead of traveling to see your children you have now

Apparently it costs £450 a year to keep your sperm frozen which I think is not to bad. Do you think that is reasonable to ask?
She did agree she would pay if I get a vasectomy and she is on a good salary so I think that wouldn’t be too bad. I am just keen to avoid any more tension

Cheaper than another kid.

That seems like an ok price....and I guess you can stop paying once you reach a point where you won't want any more kids?

I'm detecting a possible lack of respect for him here, the way she's arbitrarily rejecting all possible contraceptive options except vasectomy and refusing to listen to his concerns

I agree.

In the nicest possible way OP, it comes across like you're a bit of a pushover and your wife is dominating.

You sound defeated when you say you'll probably end up getting a vasectomy as it's the only way.

She's taking away your ability to father more children, while firmly keeping her ability to have more children in the future.

If she was dead set against ever having another child and so very fearful of using condoms, then she would get sterilised.

It sounds like it's her way or the highway.

Nobody gets married expecting to divorce...but I believe almost 50% of marriages end up in divorce.

If you were older, then it would be fine.... but 30 is young to make this permanent decision.

You've already said you feel like you compromise more and put more effort into the relationship.

Even the way she said she'd pay to freeze your sperm...well you're a SAHP... so it's not her money it's family money. You can bet your bottom dollar that would be spouted out if a man said what she did. She's saying it like she's doing you a favour.

She holds all the power in this marriage. Usually it's a case of he who cares the least in a relationship,
holds the most power

I don't know what your day to day life and routine is, but I would encourage you to look after yourself physically and mentally. Go to the gym or do other exercise.

Have a social life outside of your family/ marriage...develop some personal interests. Think about what you'll do when the kids start school.
You're more than a husband and a dad. Do things you like and enjoy...just for you. Don't isolate yourself and if you've drifted from your parents/siblings, keep close links.

Consider training for a new career...do some volunteering.......do not let it be that your wife is the centre of your universe, or you will really struggle if things go wrong. You sound quite passive and I think she knows by digging her heels in.... you'll cave.

Situations of full financial dependency on a spouse leave you in a vulnerable situation and give rise to contempt and resentment.

I honestly think you need to allow yourself time to think and possibly explore your feelings with an independent professional like a therapist. Not couples counselling...just you.

I'm sure much more than the V will come to light about your relationship and really bring up things you've overlooked....or know deep down and accept, so as not to rock the boat.

There are non hormonal options, but she has outright refused them. A cap and a condom combined would sort this out...I would never pressure my DH to undergo any form of surgery.

There's little to no regard for you and your feelings from her.

Or she's absolutely petrified of getting pregnant again, and sick to death of having to think about contraception and being scared of sex.

After all it's her that ultimately has to cope with a contraceptive failure. It's fair enough for it not to be a risk she wants to take.

My husband had one at about 37 after we'd had the two children we wanted and I had had enough of putting my body through contraception (the pill and the coil). He was happy enough to do so as he was even more adamant than me that he didn't want any more kids.

We separated a few years later as he had an affair with a younger woman and perhaps selfishly but I was so very glad he couldn't have any more children with her, even if he'd wanted to. Not sure if that's why they split up but I guess he wasn't planning to be in a relationship with a childless 20-something at the age of 40 when he had the procedure.

As others have said (although I haven't read all of the replies), if you are both very certain your family is complete then i think it's fair to have it done. I agree that you don't have to have kids with everyone you have a relationship with, even if you did split up.

She also has abstinence from PIV, but op has decided that this is non negotiable.
Sex is a risk, stress, pain free activity for men. Funny how they don't care how many sacrifices the women have made, as long as they get the sex.

@ddraigygoch
And she is saying a flat no to condoms

That is why i suggested the diaphram as well, condoms on fertile days with diaphram .......

But op has talked about cycle tracking and that is a no from her.

So you have 2 options

1. no piv sex
2. vasectomy

And you are back full circle.

So what your wife would like is piv naked cock sex where the onus on contraception is not on her any more.

Or and this is just a question that may or may not have any basis in reality...

Does she feel that you having the snip is a way of you demonstrating to her your life long commitment to her and your dc? That you can not not have any more children, if you ended up splitting up down the line?

Why do you not ask her if couples counselling may help the two of you to reach an acceptable workable solution.

When we were discussing it she did say that they are my family and I shouldn’t be thinking about anything else and having the snip would prove that.

I do totally understand that and it does make sense. Maybe I am just being sensitive but I am feeling a bit pressured into it. I think I am going to do it though because it is the best thing for our family

She does actually enjoy sex too.. so i am sure that she doesn’t want to be in a sexless marriage either it’s not just me putting pressure on her to have sex. I don’t do that nor would I ever do that. We only have sex when she wants it

@Spinrek do you not enjoy sex? Do you not see its value? Do you not accept its importance in a relationship for many couples?
If I was faced with the possibility of never having sex again with DH I'd be devastated. Sex isn't something we women have to put up with or do begrudgingly. We are allowed to actively initiate sex and enjoy it! If it is a task you dislike, then stop doing it. But don't come down on those, either men OR women, who do enjoy it and want it.
Personally I don't find it painful or stressful, but accept it has risks for both men AND women.