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Original poster

Should I get a vasectomy

550 replies

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 10:08

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

OP posts:

FluffyAragog · 30/01/2020 05:18

I think she's being a little bit ridiculous with the condom thing, no contraception is 100% reliable and I understand she may have had a mess up with them in the past but many, many people use condoms as their only birth control and do not get pregnant. Completely different if she was allergic to them or something but she's just dismissing a perfectly simple BC because she doesn't "trust it". Fwiw my first DC was conceived while I was on the pill. I've never fallen pregnant while using condoms.

category12 · 30/01/2020 06:19

Op, were previous pregnancies planned? You say she doesn't want to take the risk, so maybe this is all coming from fear, rather than stubbornness (or being an arse or bullying or whatever else ). After all, it's her that would have to cope physically with a contraceptive failure.

If things are usually good between you, I would be compassionate about this, if she's genuinely afraid of getting pregnant again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2020 06:34

I totally understand where she is coming from but just think I am doing all the compromising

She's taken 100% of the responsibilities and consequences of sex for your entire relationship. On hormonal birth control the entire time except for when she was carrying babies. Her body has changed as a result. And possibly her MH, as is common with BC. And you genuinely think you're doing all the compromising?

The pill really has liberated wemen hasn't it?

Original poster

Flower8919 · 30/01/2020 06:45

Mrsterry didn’t mean it to come across like that. I am actually the SAHP. So yes she was obviously pregnant and gave birth but I think I have taken a lot of responsibility by raising them at home.

rantyanty she did say we can pay to get my sperm frozen. So it is definitely something I need to think about I am just not sure how effective it is.

We wanted to have kids together but decided we think 2 is enough

OP posts:

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 06:53

And you genuinely think you're doing all the compromising?

He explained earlier though that he's given up.his job to become a SAHP because that was what she wanted - so it is him doing all the compromising. Plus, no one is saying she has to remain on hormonal contraception are they? There are other options but she's refusing to consider them.

I don't think freezing your sperm is viable either. It obviously limits the number of times you could try for a baby and possibly commits you and any future partner to go down the IVF/assisted conception route because of the limited supply. Surely if she's willing to.pay for that she could consider paying to be sterilised? Has she actually spoken to a Dr about the risks of that? She says that it's more risky than a vasectomy but has she actually spoken to a Dr about this? The risk of serious complications from vasectomy is about 1 in 10 which isn't insignificant either.

olivehater · 30/01/2020 06:59

You aren’t that young in your thirties. If you did splits up in the future your partner is likely to have more children as her fertility would probably be over.
Why do you think it’s a good idea to have a second family if you split up? Do you thank that would benefit your first family?
Too many men go on to have second families and ignore the responsibilities of their first family.

olivehater · 30/01/2020 07:00

Sort I meant partner is less likely.

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 07:07

You will still be able to have more kids with a vasectomy! Either freeze the sperm, or have them collected with a needle.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 07:18

Why do you think it’s a good idea to have a second family if you split up? Do you thank that would benefit your first family?
Too many men go on to have second families and ignore the responsibilities of their first family
Plenty of women go on to have a second family too. Do you castigate them as well? And in all likelihood, given that he's the SAHP, in the event of a split he would be the resident parent and so would have more of the responsibility for the children.

You will still be able to have more kids with a vasectomy! Either freeze the sperm, or have them collected with a needle.

This has severe limitations and should only be considered as a potential possibility. It shouldn't be assumed that it's guaranteed and a basis for him to have a procedure that he doesn't really want.

I'm struggling to understand the wife here. She is potentially ending the marriage by her stance. If that happens will she not have sex again because realistically I would imagine the number of men in their early 30s who have been sterilised is quite small. So.i take it she wouldn't be dating unless she could find a man who had had a vasectomy seeing as no other form of BC is acceptable to her?

Maybe you both need to go to marriage counselling to try and unpick what exactly is going on here?

SandyY2K · 30/01/2020 07:23

Why do you think it’s a good idea to have a second family if you split up?

What a crazy thing to say in this day and age.

It would be for the same reason many women go on to have children with another man...or have multiple children with more than 2 men.

If I was 100% sure I didn't want any more children, then I would take the steps to ensure I didn't.

As it happens, I was happy with my 2, but even then, the thought of going through a procedure to permanently stop it, isn't something I would have done. I certainly wouldn't have asked my DH to do it either.

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 08:00

If he's the sahp, he will most likely stay in that role after divorce and any new woman has to decide if she wants to start a new family with a man who can't work and allow her to have that role herself.

OP, if you divorce your wife do you plan on staying the SAHP? Or do you plan to just up and leave to persue a fresh start?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 08:03

if she wants to start a new family with a man who can't work and allow her to have that role herself.

Don't be silly. Of course he could work, just as plenty of SAHM do after divorce.

SandyY2K · 30/01/2020 08:05

You will still be able to have more kids with a vasectomy!
Either freeze the sperm, or have them collected with a needle

Like it's that easy. Fertility and reproduction outside the body has a much lower success rate.

This is one of 2 current threads with such blatant double standards where men are concerned and hypocrisy be it really ticks me off.

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 08:07

But does he want to? That might be the stark choice of the matter.

I'm a SAHP, I don't think I'd put sex over and above being a sahp on my list of priorities.
Sex is pretty low down tbh, probably just under watering the plants 😅

olivehater · 30/01/2020 08:07

I just find it really sad then men refuse Vasectomies because they are already planning their second families in their head.
Nobody says to a woman who gets her tubes tied by what is you split up and want to start a new family. It is very much a statement reserved for men who can move on, get a younger model and start again.
I have every reason “in this day and age” to be against second families as the child of a father who dumped me for his shiny new family.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 08:14

I just find it really sad then men refuse Vasectomies because they are already planning their second families in their head.

I don't think he's doing that at all. He's just considering whether he is ready to have the ability to have another child removed forever. Given his wife's stance tbh I think he might be wise to consider that this marriage might not last.

Nobody says to a woman who gets her tubes tied by what is you split up and want to start a new family. It is very much a statement reserved for men who can move on, get a younger model and start again.

Of course women are asked that. No Dr would sterilise anyone without explaining that it's permanent and are they sure that they will not change their minds.

I guess you can be against 2nd families if you want but I wager that there are some women on this thread right now who have children with at least 2 different fathers. It isn't just men who go on to have 2nd families. Interestingly in this example, it would be the woman, currently oh so keen to never want another child, who is protecting her own future fertility.

Biancadelrioisback · 30/01/2020 08:16

Frankly, she's blackmailing you. She's removing a big part of your relationship until you do what she wants.
For me that would be enough for me to consider the relationship

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 08:21

Biancadelrioisback

I agree.

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 08:24

A 'big part' of my relationship is not being exposed to unwanted pregnancies just so my DH can have a shag! Otherwise known as respect.

Sicario · 30/01/2020 08:30

My brother finally had the snip after being presented with three "surprise" pregnancies. I think he was having trouble correlating that contraception was anything to do with him.

HJWT · 30/01/2020 08:52

Some women on here are just ridiculous, tell her to track her period so she doesn't have sex around her fertile window and use condoms check them and take the MAP if it breaks! Not hard is it.

Most men refuse the snip and condoms, she wants to think her self lucky!

Original poster

Flower8919 · 30/01/2020 08:54

I don’t plan to have a second family nor do I want to ever divorce my wife because I love her and our kids and I am sure that she loves me.

I also haven’t said no to a vasectomy Ans I am considering it but I just thought it is quite young to have one at 30. That’s why I did the thread to try and see what people think and what options there are. From now on I agreed we are not having piv sex ether which is a really big thing for me but I did it and I’m sure is for her too but I agreed because I love her and want to lake things work

I don’t really want to think about the possibility of a divorce but if I did and got into a relationship with another woman i don’t know if I would continue being a SAHP or not. It just worked for us because of the child care and my wife earned a much bigger salary and her career is important to her.

OP posts:

Spinrek · 30/01/2020 09:01

So who will look after your kids? The new wife!?

KundaliniRising · 30/01/2020 09:07

I did mention about female sterilisation but she says it has a lot more risks and is a lot more complicated

^ this is very telling.

I think that your wife should think very carefully if she wants to continue a relationship with a man who does not wish to step up and prioritise her.

Nomorelaundry · 30/01/2020 09:08

Do you think men aren't allowed to enrol their children into childcare @Spinrek?

Do you quiz single working mothers like this?

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