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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I get a vasectomy

550 replies

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 10:08

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

OP posts:

MachineBee · 29/01/2020 20:06

I think your big question is actually ‘Do you want more kids? Full stop. Never mind who with.

If the answer is yes, or possibly, then don’t have a vasectomy.

If it’s no, then it’s a simple decision.

My ExDH had a vasectomy when he was 33 and I was 30 and we split 12 years later. I was then sterilised as I definitely didn’t want more children at 42.

Neither of us had any regrets and both went on to meet new partners with kids. ExH is now dead and if he’d had more kids they would still be at school without a DF.

Given how difficult it can be to step- parent, bringing more kids into the mix was something I’m so glad hasn’t been possible.

emilybrontescorsett · 29/01/2020 21:43

I didn't get sterilized because dh did. The same with all my close group of friends.

willsa · 29/01/2020 22:08

Your wife should get sterilised in these circumstances.

Original poster

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 22:18

So we had a chat and tried to discuss all the options. She doesn’t want hormonal bc anymore and wants to come off it which I totally understand and respect and she just doesn’t trust condoms so we are a bit stuck but we agreed to not have piv sex for now which I will be honest is not great but I want to try keep things positive and really want to make the relationship work for our sake and the kids. She said she will give me some time to think about the vasectomy as she understands it is a big step and we are just going to see how things go

OP posts:

Original poster

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 22:19

I did mention about female sterilisation but she says it has a lot more risks and is a lot more complicated

OP posts:

Original poster

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 22:19

I do really appreciate everyone’s comments and time it is helping me to make a decision

OP posts:

willsa · 29/01/2020 22:31

Well, OP you're a VERY understanding and strong human..
I do feel you are taken prisoner though... "You are going to see how things go". They will go like this : you will struggle with giving up an important part of your sex life. Likely to the point where vasectomy will start to appeal. My guess is your wife relies on that outcome.

Or, there might be any other number of outcomes, none of them positive, because fundamentally you disagree on something very important. I don't envy you, this is a tough one...

Nomorelaundry · 29/01/2020 22:32

Did you mention non hormonal contraception?

PatellarTendonitis · 29/01/2020 22:34

He's the one suggesting her 'persuade' her, Bianca, looking for other options for her to pursue. He wants to carry on, she doesn't. They need to talk it out, but he has no business persuading her any more than she has him.

PatellarTendonitis · 29/01/2020 22:42

Keep talking then. I did try the copper coil. In my case the side effects were also very unpleasant. We could not afford female sterilisation, which was no longer funded by our trust, nor the time off he needed for it. But my husband decided himself off his own back and that's the difference. We had another child. That child has multiple conditions. Those were not diagnosed at the time he decided. The difference is that he decided this was for him on his own. We lost a child some years later, but no regrets.

zasknbg · 29/01/2020 22:56

It's a very difficult problem. All forms of contraception have drawbacks.

Perhaps she would consider using condoms, whilst making sure that she knows where in her cycle she is. If you use a condom for example on day 27, the chances of a pregnancy are almost zero. If she has a regular cycle. You would abstain during day 14 and however many days either side makes you both comfortable.

Also, she can pee on ovulation sticks to get a good idea of when she's ovulating for 2 or 3 months.

I can understand her not wanting hormones, coils etc and I can understand you not wanting a vasectomy. It's difficult.

PanicAndRun · 29/01/2020 23:01

but we agreed to not have piv sex for now

That is a good decision. It will give her time to recover from all the extra hormones and being on bc. You can explore your bodies, other ways to make each other happy in bed and still have intimacy.

Once her body is back to normal ,depending on how she feels and how regular her cycle is, you can try condoms on the safe days. No sex at all around ovulation.

Then reassess.

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 29/01/2020 23:19

You've had lots of great advice. Just to add to the many voices, natural cycle planning combined with condone is an excellent contraception. It seriously reduces the days it's 'safe' to have sex but means in this interim period you can both at least have 'some' piv sex. There's also lots of other stimulating and interesting ways for you both to orgasm. Spend some time discovering a different sex life because this won't be forever either. If you're planning on a long future then as you age together you will need to look for alternatives many times to keep your sex life interesting. And likely you'll be more than happy to have a v as you get older. Embrace this challenge and accept piv sex is on the back burner for a short time in your lives.

Original poster

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 23:35

She is not willing to try the coil and doesn’t want piv sex at all. I did agree to it to help our relationship but I just hope it’s not a long term thing because sex is important. I tried to say we could just do it sometimes but she doesn’t want to take the risk. I totally understand where she is coming from but just think I am doing all the compromising She has stopped taking the pill from tonight though so I can’t really see another way out other than a vasectomy.

OP posts:

Scott72 · 29/01/2020 23:40

Yeah, it would kind of suck for you if you went through with the vasectomy to find she just doesn't want to have sex with you anyhow. I'm kind of getting that vibe from your posts.

PaterPower · 29/01/2020 23:45

The “other way out” is that you leave her.

Seriously.

It’s just as immoral for her to pressure you into an (effectively) irreversible decision about your fertility as it would be for you to do that to her.

As you, completely correctly, won’t force contraception choices on her then you either accept that PIV is off the table for the foreseeable future and you accept you’re just hanging on until your DC are older, or you leave.

Or you cheat, I guess. Or she does and then leaves you anyway.

Original poster

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 23:50

I can’t really consider that as an option right now or think about that. I love her and want to make it work and want to be together as a family for the kids

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 29/01/2020 23:52

it would kind of suck for you if you went through with the vasectomy to find she just doesn't want to have sex with you anyhow. I'm kind of getting that vibe from your posts

Yeah...I'm getting the same vibe. She doesn't want PIV with him.

Her current stance is a vasectomy or no PIV sex.... no willingness to explore natural contraception methods by ovulation charting.

She's got you right where she wants you. Good luck with that.

turnedabout · 29/01/2020 23:55

Consider making a sperm donation in advance of any vasectomy. Your sperm will be there if your relationship changes and if your vasectomy is not easily reversed for any reason

SandyY2K · 29/01/2020 23:55

OP... would you consider yours an equal marriage? Where you both listen to each others views and come to a compromise.

Or do you often find yourself giving in to keep the peace?

Original poster

Flower8919 · 30/01/2020 00:02

She did say she is more than happy to pay for me to get my sperm frozen. I don’t really know how effective that is though so want to try and look into it.

I think we do talk stuff through and discuss things together but it does sometimes feel like I am making more compromises and putting more effort into the relationship than her.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 30/01/2020 00:15

but it does sometimes feel like I am making more compromises and putting more effort into the relationship than her.

I kind of got that impression from your posts tbh. It sounds a bit one sided...like you place her on a pedestal and it isn't reciprocated.

This is all the more reason I wouldn't do it in your position.

Even while she's been on her current contraception, is she keen to have sex with you? Is she enthusiastic about it as things are?

Original poster

Flower8919 · 30/01/2020 00:21

I’m not sure how much info to put on here. We did definitely use to have more sex and we aren’t really the most Adventurous but recently we have been having it once a week but we both really enjoy it or at least i thought we did and I would like to think I am very considerate of her.

She is great and I love her. Just never thought would have a problem like this and not sure how it has happened

OP posts:

WhenPushComesToShove · 30/01/2020 01:04

Can't help but think it is a kind of bullying saying 'do what I want or no sex' and then just closing up shop. Just reverse the male/female roles and think about it. If you said to her, get sterilised or no sex, people on here would be howling

RantyAnty · 30/01/2020 01:27

@Flower8919