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Original poster

Should I get a vasectomy

550 replies

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 10:08

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower8919 · 02/02/2020 09:16

I dont know what I should do then. She has booked the appointment. Should I ask her to cancel it? She did say we can cancel it if I change my mind but I don’t know how she would react when I just agreed.

She didn’t think we needed councilling and said we can get through it together.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/02/2020 09:29

You're allowed to change your mind or have doubts. You don't have to have a vasectomy unless you want to and thinks it's best for you. There should be a counselling session about the vasectomy beforehand. Use it.

If there isn't one offered, book some counselling for yourself now.

If you're afraid to do this without your wife's agreement or don't have access to money (unless you're skint as a family), then you have a big relationship problem. You seem a bit all over the place with things, so talking it out with a professional would be good. There are male-oriented domestic abuse services you could contact if necessary.

PaterPower · 02/02/2020 09:36

Again, OP, with the greatest respect to your wife it doesn’t matter whether SHE thinks “we needed” counselling. What YOU need is what’s important in this particular scenario.

YOU need to be able to talk through the snip with someone who is neutral. As PP have said before, that needs to be a one on one session, not with your wife.

If, after that, you decide that couples counselling would help in addressing the obvious power imbalance in your relationship then by all means arrange some as well.

As a side note, it’s telling that she’s prepared to be so dismissive of joint counselling - if my DP told me she thought we should be getting some outside help then my first thought would be “oh shit, there’s obviously a problem that I can’t see here” and I’d feel guilty I’d obviously not been aware of her needs. Not “move on, nothing to see here” which seems to be your wife’s attitude

Original poster
Flower8919 · 02/02/2020 09:46

Ok I will look at some councilling for just me. I will have to ask her for some money for it but I suppose how she reacts to that will tell me how bad it is.

I think if I am being completely honest I have known she has been a bit controlling for a while but it’s been easier to just ignore it and pretend it isn’t happening

OP posts:
ddraigygoch · 02/02/2020 09:55

So you don't have shared finances?

Original poster
Flower8919 · 02/02/2020 10:03

Well yeah we do. We have a joint account that she puts money into each month and I use that for normal house stuff and the kids and everything and sometimes stuff for me. She says if I need anything extra or it’s low I just need to ask and she’ll top it up but then I kind of feel like I have to explain and justify everything I buy. Like she is quite big on saving and likes me to keep the receipts for everything but I don’t think she realises what that’s like. I know is probably my fault for not really discussing it with her before

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 02/02/2020 11:10

Op, from what you right here you are in an abusive relationship.

Please don't have the vasectomy. You don't need her permission, just cancel the appointment or simply don't go. Contact a domestic abuse charity and explain your circumstances - see what their advice is.

A pp right - if you were a woman saying this everyone would be telling you to leave. She is controlling you, your access to money and isolating you. Reach out for help. Speak to your GP even and see what help there is.

Original poster
Flower8919 · 02/02/2020 11:25

I don’t know if I could leave her. We’ve been together a long time and what would happen with the kids and I couldn’t earn anywhere near as much as her

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 02/02/2020 12:29

You're the kids primary carer though so likely that they would stay with you. She would have to pay you child maintenance.

Maybe you should read some of the threads on here relating to women in your position. The legal and financial advice that they are given would apply to you too.

Many of us here are seeing far more troubling details about your relationship than the vasectomy. Seek counseling for yourself before you decide on anything.

DesperateElf · 02/02/2020 20:06

Lots of good advice. Personally I think you're too young to go for something as radical as vasectomy. There's at least 15 years ahead of you of perfectly sensible parenthood age. Are you really so sure you'll never ever want kids ever again? How can you possibly know that?

All contraception has downsides. Willingness to put up with them to a large degree depends on how important sex is for people considering it, at that time in their lives.

So it's possible that for your partner sex isn't very important right now, and therefore all downsides seem to imply that contraception isn't worth it. For you, on the other hand, sex is important and you're willing to consider vasectomy, but the problem is, there are no guarantees that you will get sex that you want with your current partner as a result of vasectomy. And then what? Would you still be happy with your decision then?

For what it's worth I'm happy with copper coil. Periods are heavier indeed but not to a worrying degree. No hormones involved. Procedure was not painful for me, both for putting it in and for taking it out (I'm on my second one). That said, I agree with the previous posters that you can't decide for your partner that this is a good option for her, it must be her decision. The only way to encourage her is to have awesome sex often so that she's interested in making it even better.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

WhenPushComesToShove · 02/02/2020 23:23

Slightly off subject; I am concerned about how isolated you have become and reliant on DW for finances. It's obviously your choice but perhaps you might consider something - part time job/club/sport/hobby - to go to regularly so that you have something (others to socialise with) apart from DW and kids which would bring more balanced. Sounds like DW has all the power which is fine so long as you are happy with that. Very best wishes

Original poster
Flower8919 · 02/02/2020 23:41

Well I haven’t worked for a few years now. I did look at maybe going back part time because yeah it would be good to get out and meet new people and socialise but when we discussed it and worked out the child care costs we would actually be losing money so didn’t make sense.

I am looking at a few toddler groups and am going to try and go to one I think. I don’t know if I could do stuff in the evening all the time

OP posts:
Marshmello · 03/02/2020 02:10

Omg. Have read most of this thread but now just skipping to posting as can't contain myself.

  1. Birth control is NOT DIFFICULT. It is not. Not at all. Not compared to being made sterile.
You are way too young to consider this. And I'm sorry but you are being respectful and not pushing non-chemical BC - what's that? Avoiding fertile days? Using a diaphragm or condom? Ok maybe the coil is invasive but the others are nothing - totally easy. And you're being so decent and not pushing her on those very very simple options. And yet she is FORCING you to be surgically sterilised, or lose your family??????

I think she is very controlling and I'm really sorry Flower but I don't think she gives you the same respect as you do her ☹️

  1. She is also financially controlling.
  1. And she's using sex to control you.

Please please don't do this. Go to counselling.

Marshmello · 03/02/2020 02:12

If this was reversed and the DH was insisting the DW be sterilised or he would stop having sex with her and possibly leave her then .... how would MNers react to that?!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/02/2020 08:19

It's not reversible. The OP will not have to deal with carrying a foetus if contraception fails and if the OP has had a bad experience why the fuck should she put herself at risk again?

Also, she's not using sex to control. She is simply being clear, after pregnancies and bad experiences with contraception, what she is prepared to do with and to her body. That's her 'right'.

differentnameforthis · 03/02/2020 10:46

@YetAnotherSpartacus And it's his "right" to say no.

She is using control in a lot of ways, I agree it's her right to say no PIV if no contraception, but she isn't saying that. She is saying no PIV unless he gets the snip.

That is controlling.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/02/2020 11:39

She is being controlling though - financially and emotionally. He can't have counselling about a life changing decision because she controls the money, she's booked the op for him so now he feels that he has to go and she's threatening to withhold sex unless he complies with her demand.

Op, consider going back to work - childcare comes out of household income so it's as much your wife's responsibility to pay for it as it is yours.

Do not get this done without counselling.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/02/2020 11:40

She is using control in a lot of ways, I agree it's her right to say no PIV if no contraception, but she isn't saying that. She is saying no PIV unless he gets the snip

When the consequence for her is either taking responsibility for contraception, contraceptive failure/unwanted pregnancy this is perfectly reasonable.

She has a right to say when, how and if sex happens.

No man has a right to PIV sex.

Marshmello · 03/02/2020 11:55

Yetanother and he also has a body and has a right to say he wants counselling before agreeing to make himself infertile. It's a massive decision at his age.

Tell me again why she can't be sterilised?

To not give him the money for counselling and to book the operation and say no functioning marriage if you don't go is CONTROLLING.

What is this absolute bollocks (ha) that she is superior to him in everything? I'm a woman and I hate that attitude and it is totally morally untenable.

Flower Do Not do this without at least some independent counselling. Be as clear cut with her as she is with you.

'I do not want to do it. It's too drastic. And I certainly won't even consider it without independent counselling. No sex fine - no sex. Shortly you will have no husband. Because our marriage promises were to be equal and not for me to be threatened with losing everything that's important to me if I don't agree to be sterilised.'

Tell her.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/02/2020 12:01

To not give him the money for counselling and to book the operation and say no functioning marriage if you don't go is CONTROLLING

Is a 'functioning marriage' defined by him having the right to put his penis in her vagina?

He does not have to be sterilised. He can accept other ways of getting his rocks off.

Why the fuck should she be sterilised? The operation is harder for women to get and carries more risks and she has already carried the burden of pregnancy and contraception.

ddraigygoch · 03/02/2020 12:02

I would walk out of my marriage if sex was off the table forever. That's BS.

She done at need hormones. She's just being a bitch.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/02/2020 12:18

Your body and your choice OP.
Do NOT be pressured into this.
It is a big decision and you are very young.
She is already using blackmail to 'make you' tow the line on this and that is NOT OK - not at all.
Is she controlling in other ways?
I'd be using condoms.
My ExH and I used them for 10 years! No issues.
I have the implant and I love it.
No periods and I should breeze through menopause.
Lasts 3 years.
But... if she doesn't want hormonal contraception then that is also her choice.
Condoms seems like a good compromise for now.
But, I would be looking at other signs of controlling behaviour from her!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/02/2020 07:09

Why the fuck should she be sterilised?

Because she's the one adamant that she wants no more children? Basically, if the marriage ends she will still be fertile, meaning that in future relationships she can either go on to have more children (which the op won't be able to do) or she has to use contraception again (which she is apparently dead set against) so obviously it makes more sense for her to be sterilised.

Of course the op has no right to PIV sex but for.most people a sexless marriage is not one that they would be happy in and he has every right to say that he doesn't accept her conditions and wants a divorce. She has no right to control every aspect of his life, including his fertility.

differentnameforthis · 04/02/2020 09:15

Why the fuck should she be sterilised? The operation is harder for women to get and carries more risks and she has already carried the burden of pregnancy and contraception.

There is no need to be aggressive in your answers. Equality in marriage does not equate to carrying babies and contraception. There is no "I did this so you should do that" around pregnancy and birth BECAUSE MEN CANNOT CARRY BABIES. .

No one is saying he has a right to PIV, but you seem to think she has a right to dictate what he does with his body!!

category12 · 04/02/2020 12:41

PIV is not the only kind of sex that counts.