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Original poster

Should I get a vasectomy

550 replies

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 10:08

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

OP posts:
Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 01/02/2020 12:43

@category12 mine was NHS Scotland and it was fairly recently.

Babaoreally · 01/02/2020 12:45

@category12 I enquired while in Scotland - about 15 years ago tho!

redtulip12 · 01/02/2020 12:50

I have been on hormone birth control pills for over 20 years. I recently needed to come off and was recommended the Mirena coil. After research I decided it wasn't for me and my husband offered to have a vasectomy. This was a huge thing for him as he is very squeamish. He went through he interview process to make sure he understood what he was signing up for. Date was booked etc. I then did some research and heard about the issues some men have after etc and told him to cancel it. Make sure you do your research and are 100% comfortable with this. If anything went wrong would you blame your wife, how would that affect your relationship. I don't think anyone should do something to their body that they aren't 110% sure about.

Quartz2208 · 01/02/2020 12:59

She is paying for it to be done privately of course she is the nhs would be wary of this due to your age

Get counselling

PaterPower · 01/02/2020 13:05

I would also be concerned that you might get the op done and then find she doesn’t want PIV sex anyway. And that (for you) you’re back to square one but potentially feeling very resentful. It concerns me that you’re going to do this with no one to one counselling. WE are not a good substitute!

Just make sure this is really what YOU want OP. Ignore the sex when considering it. You have to decide whether YOU have finished having children - with your wife or a potential future partner.

And, as others have said before, make sure that YOU have control over any frozen sperm you deposit. You may trust your wife implicitly at the moment, whilst your relationship is good. But they’re a hostage to fortune if you two split up.

She could choose to have the deposit destroyed, if she was feeling hurt or just malicious, or might even choose to conceive again without your agreement (it’s happened more than once) and you would be on the hook for maintenance etc or might feel compelled to stay, because of the new child, at a point where otherwise you’d have left.

There do seem to be aspects of your relationship which suggest she’s controlling you. Your semen could become another lever of control. Please be careful.

millymollymoomoo · 01/02/2020 13:25

You should not rush into this! Please take time to consider it properly
Why can’t your wife get sterilised If she is so adamant she does not want more children ever ?

Beansandcoffee · 01/02/2020 14:04

I was in the pill from 19 until 30. After having children I wasn’t going back on for pill. My let’s ached, my blood pressure was high and I 100% felt that it was time someone else had a go at contraception. We used condoms but ultimately we had less and less sex as my ExH refused to have a vasectomy because of the pain. I understood it was his choice. But I felt it was selfish. I didn’t want to take the pill but did. Sometimes we have to compromise.

Original poster
Flower8919 · 01/02/2020 15:26

We did very briefly discuss her being sterilised but she has been on hormones most of her life and feels it is my turn to take responsibility which I understand and respect.

She has said she will book it for a 3-4 weeks time so that I will have time to make sure I 100% want to go ahead and if I dint she will cancel it

OP posts:
PaterPower · 01/02/2020 16:03

So why is she booking it OP?
Are you not allowed access to “her” money?

Seriously mate, you’re sounding way too passive and lacking agency here.

Original poster
Flower8919 · 01/02/2020 16:13

Well yes I am allowed! It’s just because she researched it and said she will book an appointment on the website. I don’t think I was being too passive. Felt petty to say no let me book it.

OP posts:
Pirateladyarrr · 01/02/2020 16:16

After our second child my dh got a vasectomy. He was 34 and I was 30, both 100% sure we didn't want anymore kids and both sure we won't ever split up and even if we did he wouldn't want anymore kids with anyone else or me because we've both decided on only producing 2.
I took care of birth control for our entire relationship by taking the pill and having 2 arm implants. Totally messing up my hormones and body and I think a COMMITTED couple who've decided on only a certain number of kids then the guy should do the simple procedure of a vasectomy. My partner was walking about fine the same day it's really not a big deal

millymollymoomoo · 01/02/2020 16:31

How will you feel if you do split at some point and your wife goes on to have another ?

It’s your choice but sounds to me on here it’s not What you really want at all

AllTheIceCream · 01/02/2020 16:59

OP, you read very like a friend of mine who is indeed in a controlling relationship.

It's the defeat in your voice, doing what she wants because 'it's easier this way', not wanting to 'rock the boat' etc etc

Can you tell us more about any other behaviour you think might be controlling? Does she check your phone?
What happens when you want to go out with friends?

Original poster
Flower8919 · 01/02/2020 17:24

Well I don’t know if I am or if I am just overreacting. She has always been the more assertive one but I just started to maybe think it because if reading other threads that really resonated with me.

she has more of a social life than me and so I don’t mind generally being in with the kids but that’s because she goes to after work drinks and networking things. We only moved to our area recently because of her job so I don’t know that many people. I am thinking about trying to join some local toddler groups but is a bit daunting being a Man

OP posts:
category12 · 01/02/2020 17:27

Toddler groups etc are fine, but you should do something adult for yourself as well - like a class or hobby or social group.

PaterPower · 01/02/2020 17:29

What was it like before you moved? Did you have a social life then?

NemophilistRebel · 01/02/2020 17:32

I wouldn’t want my husband to get one as should we split or I die before him and he wants another baby with someone else then I would feel responsible and hate to know he would likely be resentful of it

Condoms are a no operation no hormonal option

Unless a man is sure and chooses to do so himself he should be using condoms

There can’t be any pressure on the GF or DW to use a hormonal birth control

Original poster
Flower8919 · 01/02/2020 19:02

Well yeah I do have friends there and we would try to just take it in turns having the kids so it was quite nice as had time out but that is in Nottingham and we are near Swindon now so I never really get to see them anymore. I do go a bit crazy sometimes just taking to toddlers all day.

OP posts:
OneForMeToo · 01/02/2020 19:58

The nhs wouldn’t decide his too young at 30 if he was sure of his choice. My dh is 30 and they happily did his, only a few weeks between asking the gp to getting it done. Non scalpel type.

Lowbrow · 02/02/2020 01:28

While I feel strongly men should take their turn in contraceptives and not expect women to take the load, you do sound down OP. It sounds like you need to get out more. Are you home all day with young children and being new in the area not getting out to socialise.

Is it possible for you to take up a hobby to get out and make friends. It is difficult moving to a new area and not having the support of your friends.

Wonderland18 · 02/02/2020 02:59

I think the fact that if you both split she would be stuck on contraception again anyway does show she’s committed to the relationship.

But at the same time I wouldn’t have the vasectomy, if you do decide it’s for the best maybe the nhs is the way forward as it has a longer waiting time and will give you time to think. I don’t think your wife is considering the impact it may have or the resentment it may fuel in the future. Me and dp have decided no more and I’m getting sterilised. If we ever did split (God forbid) it would be me back on contraception so I see that as more the motivating factor, but he is willing to get the vasectomy.

toomanyeggs · 02/02/2020 03:45

We did very briefly discuss her being sterilised but she has been on hormones most of her life and feels it is my turn to take responsibility which I understand and respect.

NO NO NO!!! It's not "your turn" at all. That's not how this works. Op I am worried for you, you are being coerced into something you do not want by a person who has an excuse for every single idea YOU have. You have no idea what she earns, you'd have to ask her for money for counseling, she is going to pay privately for it, you have an account she puts money into....

I will tell you for sure now, if you were a woman posting that your dh was doing this, and coercing you into having a medical procedure you didn't want, you'd be told to leave. You'd be told you were in an abusive relationship, that he was a horrible man and not to do anything.

I honestly cannot stand some of the double standards on this thread, and being suggested that it isn't a man posting is awful. Some people really do think that men cannot be controlled.

differentnameforthis · 02/02/2020 03:47

@PaterPower

So why is she booking it OP? = Control.

Are you not allowed access to “her” money? No, he said he doesn't even know what she earns, sounds like her money goes into one account and she puts some in another "joint" account.

Seriously mate, you’re sounding way too passive and lacking agency here. Op is being coerced at best, abused at worse. I don't think we should be criticizing to be fair.

differentnameforthis · 02/02/2020 03:53

@Pirateladyarrr it's really not a big deal

For your partner it wasn't a bid deal, and for others it isn't either. But men do have long term complication from it.

I was told not to get sterilized because it's massively risky for women, yet there was no risk for me. It all went smoothly. Still, I wouldn't tell ever women that it isn't risky at all.

differentnameforthis · 02/02/2020 03:55

sorry, some men