Should I get a vasectomy

[Flower8919]

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

Yes I am a man!!! That is quite insulting.

I came here for advice because I think over time my relationship has become more extreme and I am wondering if I am in a controlling relationship. I didn’t want to open up straight away because I find that difficult. I don’t have any close friends that I really feel comfortable discussing it with and so I am very grateful for everyone here. If you also don’t want to post I understand and am very greatfil for ur posts previously. I have read some of the other threads and a lot of things that women in controlling relationships are feeling I can really identify with and makes me worry that’s happening to me

It’s not at all controlling for a woman to want her husband to take a turn in the contraceptive stakes. Obviously she has been the one who has given birth and more than likely used contraceptives.

Why should it be up to her? Too many times it’s the woman who is expected to take care of contraceptives because a man Is frightened to get the snip.

It isn’t per se controlling no. But it is clear from what the OP has written that he is in a controlling relationship.

Hormonal contraceptives do not agree with me so we use condoms. The OPs wife won’t agree to this or have a discussion about it beyond he must do it. That is controlling

And men can be in controlling relationships as well

It's not controlling to decide what you do with your own body, and what risks you take with it.

It's not a "compromise" for a woman to be expected to use condoms and take the hormonal dump of MAP if it fails, when she would rather not take the risk of penetrative sex at all.

I find it extraordinary that a bunch of women actually don't believe in their own bodily autonomy at all, but think that a woman has to "compromise" it. Fundamentally she gets to choose. And you know that if she did go on to have an unwanted pregnancy, people would be all "well you should have used x or not had sex" etc etc.

Op may be in a controlling relationship outside of this, but is it fuck controlling to decide your own boundaries for your own body.

@category12 - do you think OP should have ‘bodily autonomy’ too? Of course it’s controlling to demand what someone else does with their body!!

You sound an apologist for women who actually want to stop having sex - but fear it will end the marriage, and their DH might then start a family with someone new. So persuade DH to get a vasectomy to ensure that a sexless marriage won’t result in extramarital children!

OP you can leave this marriage- I don’t think the power balance is right. Trolls coming on here to defend a man of your age being bullied and pushed into a vasectomy is just grim!

I think you are too young

Babaoreally, of course the OP has bodily autonomy. He also has the right not to take any risks he doesn't want to with his own body.

People who no longer want to have sex, don't have to have it. That's fundamental. (It's not the case here, because OP's wife is happy to have other types of sex. PIV is not the only type of sex that counts.).
The partners of such people have options of whether to stay in the relationship or not, whether to stay faithful or not, but not to try to make the other person have sex they don't want.

@category12 - agree with your last post 100%

Just wanted to say to the people who are promoting the use of condoms and MAP if they fail. The MAP is only effective if ovulation has not already occurred in the woman's menstrual cycle. So if there was a condom failure after ovulation, the MAP pill wouldn't work and the woman would need to seek the emergency coil, which is both invasive and extremely inconvient.

My partner had a vasectomy. I wanted to have children. I'm now doing it with a donor and the relationship is failing.

I’d say condoms and spermicide lube (not just MAP) is more sensible and effective - and avoiding PIV altogether during ovulation.

@bitheby - thanks for sharing that, it must be difficult, I really sympathise. A vasectomy can outlast a marriage.

It can also be a positive in new relationships, if you're on the same page as your new partner about not wanting more children. As with me and my bloke. It's not a given that new relationship = more kids.

But OP shouldn't have a vasectomy unless he doesn't want more kids come what may.

@category12 my general anaesthetic wasn't a special circumstance. It was offered by the consultant straight off the bat and reccomended. I went along with it as I assumed it was the norm. No regrets.

I just find it surprising, given what it says on the NHS website about it being for rare cases, and my own experience of going along to my now-ex's vasectomy. (For the record, he doesn't regret it now we're split up, nor does his new wife).

Thank you everyone for your posts. I really appreciate everyone’s opinion. I think it is a really difficult topic but it’s different for each women and couple and what works for some won’t necessarily work for others.

We have agreed that I am going to get the vasectomy as it is the best option for both of us and we don’t want more kids. I know it is permanent but my wife has said she will happily pay for me to freeze my sperm in case anything god forbid bad happens as a back up so we are going to do that.

It doesn’t say it’s ‘rare’ though does it? It says ‘usually’ - or would you see the difference between- ‘it’s rare that this type of contraception fails’ and ‘this contraception usually works.’ They are very different things to say! Usually means not always. Rare means exceptional.

@Flower8919 are you having it on the NHS? Just remember the GP will actually only refer you if you are happy to have one, 100%. They can decline you having one if they feel you aren’t entirely sure about it!
My husbands ex wife wanted him to get one when he was 28, she was 37 and done with having children. He didn’t want it. They split up two years later. We met, had two children, he’s now had a vascetomy at his suggestion but he’s 40 now and had three kids and we are both content with our three!
Good luck to you!
Oh and get the no scalpel one, it’s a lot less painful!

My ExH wouldn’t have a vasectomy and to be honest it caused me a lot of resentment as I had been using birth control for years. So we used condoms as I had had enough. It did affect our sex life to be honest as neither of us were keen on them. In the end, for various reasons our marriage did end. He now has another child with a much younger “OW” so there’s your answer really. Although talking to him at the time it wasn’t his choice to have another child but ultimately he didn’t use contraceptives so there we go.

Hmm? I think we're at cross-purposes, I'm talking about general anaesthetic vs local.

NHS site says (about vasectomy):
"It's usually carried out under local anaesthetic, where you're awake but don't feel any pain, and takes about 15 minutes.

In rare cases, you may have a general anaesthetic, where you're asleep during the operation."

Good luck OP - I hope you at least start to realise that your needs in a relationship are equally as important as your partners, and not to be brow beaten into minimising your feelings.

So yes, rare is exceptional, so I find it surprising that unless there's a special reason for, men are given GAs when it appears unnecessary and not recommended. (Perhaps if it's done privately they do it cos they get more money that way? Which is a worrying thought).

Well I think we are going to do it private. My wife has found a private place that she says is really highly rated and she’s happy to pay for it to minimise any risk

My Hubbie went Nhs but it was done in a private clinic, defiantly get the no scalpel one if you can though!