Should I get a vasectomy

[Flower8919]

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

I had a vasectomy, I'm now divorced and in the position of my new partner wanting children. It's a farce.

It sounds a bit naive but is it expensive to have councillong/therapy? Should I discuss it with my wife first? I don’t want to make things worse

I am really sorry to hear that TiffanySetting. That is why I am a bit reluctant. What do you think you are going to do?

No do not tell her. If she finds out just say it's something personal you wanted to do. You don't need her permission and you don't need to discuss it with her until you want her to.

Therapy just seems very extreme. I’m not sure.

It's just talking to somebody to settle your thoughts. They won't dictate to you or force your hand. It's just talking.

It's my view that your wife is trying to force your hand and inside you know that's not right which is why you have come on Mumsnet to hear what others think. If you feel instinctively that this is not right for you at the moment, you are (or most certainly should be) allowed to say this. Remember a marriage is a partnership, NOT a dictatorship. From reading what you have said, I'd say don't do it until you absolutely feel it's what YOU want. Very best of luck with everything.

OP, theres a BC method which
• doesn't use hormones
• is non invasive
• both partners take equal responsibility for it
• is very cheap

It is called Take Control of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler.
You buy the book on Amazon, and buy a ovulation thermometer.
You can chart the results for her if you want to take a share of the responsibility for it.
You chart her basal temperature and cervical fluid throughout the month so you are very in tune with her body and you can minimise the dangerous days.
Shag like rabbits when its safe
Abstain/condoms when it's not.
I've never used any form of birth control apart from this, and have just the 1 very much wanted kid
If you're willing to put the effort into doing this it is a method which shows respect to both partners and neither need to feel pressured by anything as you know exactly where you stand in her cycle.

Dont rush into an irreversible decision without giving something as simple as this a try!!

Once you have figured the system out, you only need to abstain/use protection for 5 days each month, and the rest is up to you

I question the non-invasiveness of checking your wife's temperature and cervical mucus every day.

I got sterilised after my (male) partner and I had our last because I wanted no more children. I agree that the full commitment to the existing family comment is manipulative. I like PIV sex, and wouldn't want to go without it.

However, going without PIV sex is NOT a sexless marriage. OP's wife sounds as though she has at some point had a contraceptive accident with unpleasant consequences, and it IS her choice not to risk that again. She has the absolute right to not trust barrier methods. There are plenty of fun things you can do that aren't PIV and are, by any reasonable definition, sex. OP PIV might be important enough to you that this is a dealbreaker--that's perfectly ok and reasonable. That doesn't make your wife's position inherently unreasonable though! If you really can't come to an agreement on this, it will end the relationship, that's sad, but sometimes things really are dealbreakers. It doesn't make anyone a bad person.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I think I should be completely honest here even though some people might say I am being ridiculous.

I am completely committed to my wife and family and love them and so probably should get the V but other than it being permanent one of the reasons holding me back is it will make me feel less manly.

I am always slightly aware of how people judge me being a SAHD. I do get some comments sometimes about being the housewife etc. Which I’m sure is just a joke but can get to me sometimes. It was my/our choice and I love being with the kids and don’t regret it. But my wife is actually taller than me and has a much better career/ earning potential than me and then if I also become infertile I think will make me feel more emasculated. Am I being ridiculous?

I am also slightly worried about what would happen/my life would be like if we did end up splitting up.

Sorry for the really long post

No, you aren’t being ridiculous at all. Your feelings are completely natural in this situation, and totally valid. You have the right to be ok with whatever it is you’re feeling.

You sound like a genuinely good person, who wants the best for his wife and children and will do his best for them. No one can ask more of you than that.

While your wife absolutely has the right to decide that hormonal contraceptives aren't for her, she doesn’t have the right to decide what is right for you or to say manipulative things to you. I’m with her on not taking hormones, they are horrible, but does she have any valid reasons for not wanting to even consider the copper coil?

Some kind of therapy probably would be a good idea for you, it’s not an extreme thing, it’s something that the vast majority of people would probably benefit from. Especially when there is such a huge decision to be made, and even more so when there is pressure on you to make a choice that you aren’t comfortable with from someone that you are currently dependent on. Your instincts are telling you that a vasectomy isn’t right for you, listen to them. They are very unlikely to be wrong.

I think that's a perfectly normal worry for a guy. But it's not entirely rational, as you know. My ex and current partner both had vasectomies and their sex drive and masculinities weren't put into question. At all. Boyfriend is on the high sex drive hyper-masculine side (hurrah).

And it's not something you need to broadcast anyway.

I can imagine it's challenging in this sexist world to be a sahd and that might be something a counsellor could help you frame differently. You honestly should be proud of yourself. But do self-care things, try to keep abreast of things in your chosen field and do have something for yourself that gives you a boost.

Everything that you are saying op screams out that you don't want to do this - and that is perfectly ok. You shouldn't do anything to your body that you aren't comfortable with.

You should explore having counselling for yourself and then counselling with your wife to see if you can figure out a way forward, together. It might be that you can't and that the marriage ends but tbh, from reading your posts it does sound like this isn't going to stop if you have a vasectomy. You are going to feel resentful that your wife forced you to do it and no doubt there will be another issue after that where you feel forced into doing something that you don't want to do.

Don't have a vasectomy unless and until you are sure that you 100% want it. I would hope that if you said this to your Dr they would refuse it anyway.

Your wife has set out her red lines. You're entitled to have your own.

You don't believe that surgery with the potential to cause life long damage and pain is something to rationally worry about @category12

I was very reluctant to get a vasectomy- in truth it was a fear of an anaesthetic operation. I’d suffered a horrendous medical experience as a child and I don’t think I’m capable of consenting unless absolutely life threatening. Also terrified of something going wrong, chronic pain etc. I was a bit ashamed of this fear too - it’s not entirely rational.

It caused quite a rift in my marriage really - our sex life plunged - I don’t really know if a v would have made all the difference. My DW just didn’t like condoms (it’s not how we make love) was her reasoning. And didn’t want any other form of BC herself. I said that we are both adults, and there is no way that she would have to risk getting pregnant if we were careful - combining barrier method and spermicide for example-is pretty full proof, plus avoiding ovulation times etc.
But I think she resented my decision for many years, and made me feel pretty guilty if I’m honest.
Recently she went to help a client in her home and said that her husband was disabled and unable to work and they were struggling financially-she was having to work so many hours and he was partially disabled after dreadful complications following a vasectomy operation!
She said all that she could think was that could have been us, that perhaps my fears weren’t so stupid, and she didn’t know how she would cope with her client’s situation.
I guess it felt something of a relief that she might not always carry that resentment. I don’t want more children, we are still together. But I do remember, when going through a bad patch, in an argument where she threw my not having a vasectomy at me, and I did think - we’ll just as well I didn’t - if we split I’d not be able to offer children to another partner.

So I think these are complex emotional relationship issues and I don’t think counselling is extreme. It might really help?
We are past it now, but really it was not something that either of us dealt with very well and it did affect our marriage.

Thank you so much everyone for your comments. I am proud of being a SAHP because I think it is an important role just sometimes can be quite hard.

I think I should take the advice of everyone on here because that’s why I posted so i a going to bring it up with my wife tonight that I think we should maybe consider going to therapy to discuss the issue properly and come to a good solution. I am not sure how she will take it but think it will help both of us and the kids in the long run

I don't see her agreeing on therapy...people who think they're right and don't want challenge don't engage well in therapy.

I can also see her using things the therapist says to manipulate you and I think it would be very easy for her to do, given your passive nature.

Explore therapy on your own first

Do you have easy access to money?

Google low cost counselling in your area. Check that they work to either BACP or UKPC ethical guidelines.

If she does agree to joint counselling, which I doubt....you can try marriagecare.org.uk

They operate a donation system ...but if affordability was a big issue they can be flexible.

Your concerns are all valid. Your posts just scream out as you being manipulated. I really feel sorry for you.

You may find that your gp would be able to refere you for counselling, if funds were an issue.

I don’t think the money is an issue. I am embarrassed to admit I don’t actually know how much she earns. It’s not that she is hiding it I think I just haven’t asked. I know that she was on around £50k a few years ago so it is probably more than that.

I am a bit worried about doing therapy on my own. I think it would help but I think it would be hard without her finding out which might cause more problems. We have a joint account that she puts money into each month but I would have to ask her to put more in for therapy but maybe can just say it’s for something else or I will try to find some low cost ones. I do have my own savings but they are in an ISA so it’s not very easy to withdraw.

You’re young.

You think you might want more dc in the future if your wife dies or if you divorce.

So the answer is no you shouldn’t have one.

It says a LOT that you are worried about how your wife will take it if you say you want to do therapy.

A loving wife would be instantly supportive of you doing something that would benefit you and enable you to make a decision that is best for you. There should be no need for you to consider hiding this from her, and as is so often said to SAHMs on here, the money she earns is family money. It belongs to you as much as her.

@ddraigygoch, it might help if you followed along rather than jumping in with your own agenda. I was responding to op's concern about potentially feeling emasculated. But feel free to be a plonker.

Babaoreally, there is only local anaesthetic for a vasectomy, they don't put you out. I went with my now ex for his and was allowed to stay in the room, hold his hand, talk rubbish to him. Was very quick and straightforward.