Should I get a vasectomy

[Flower8919]

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

Don’t be forced into giving up your fertility!

Actually i can see both sides here, SandyY2K makes good points on your vulnerability here, sahd with no career, how it will be her paying for sperm freezing when it is family money. As do others who feel that she is not being reasonable and willing to compromise.

On the other hand the only 100% option is for one of you to get sterilised or no piv. As she has had enough of carrying that 'burden' she feels that it is your turn. But she would like the sexual freedom to enjoy sex with you without condoms like you both did when she was given hormones as a contraceptive. For that to happen you will have to have a vasectomy.

And we go around again...

Counselling op, you are both at a stalemate, neither of you are willing to see it from each others view point.

Do you even want more children? Even if you started a new relationship tomorrow would you want another child?

This is the crucial question, OP. My DH had a vasectomy in his early 40's. I was experiencing side effects with birth control (was fine for 20 years but then developed problems) and he absolutely knew that he didn't want any more children, even if he did end up in a new relationship. I felt the same way so it was the right choice for us.

He recovered quickly, no long term issues (I know that's not the case for everyone).

This is a huge decision which you should not take lightly. If you go though with it for your wife wishes, You may grow to resent her in the long run. This needs to be something that you are 100percent ready and want to do. . As someone else has said I think you should seek counselling. Your wife with holding sex until you agree with her demands is also wrong, This is controlling behaviour.
I my self can't use birth control as It doesn't agree with my body. I have 2 DC which me and DH have agreed is all we want. But I would never ask him to get a vasectomy nor would he ask me to use birth control. I know my body well and we use condoms on my fertile days. You mentioned that your wife wont use condoms due to an bad experience, OP I think this is just an excuse to not use them.

When we were discussing it she did say that they are my family and I shouldn’t be thinking about anything else and having the snip would prove that.

Op, you need to really get some professional help to see what is going on in your marriage.

This really reads like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. She wants you to have a vasectomy in order to prove your commitment to your family?? What the hell? What's she doing to prove her commitment then? Does she really not want any more children or does she just not want you to have any more?

Don't agree to the vasectomy until you've had some counselling.

I'm disgusted by the attitudes on this thread.

I used hormonal contraception for 10 years - for most of that time I didn't even know my husband so why on earth should he gave to pay for the fact that I'd put hormones into my body for 10 years? That was entirely my decision because it suited me.

We had 2 children because I really wanted 2. I think my DH would have been happy to have none so again, why should he gave to pay for the fact that I had the children that I wanted to have?

She doesn't want to consider any option other than you having a vasectomy, op. Why is that? That's the important question. It reads like it's another way for her to control you. Oh and as for the "her paying to freeze the sperm", yeah don't do it unless she pays for 15 years up front and it's in your name. What would you do if after a year or two she decided not to pay any more? I also wouldn't base your decision to have a V on this - there is no guarantee that it will be successful, your banked supply will be limited plus it's forcing a future partner into having IVF which is a damn site more invasive than taking the pill. Ironic isn't it that many posters on this thread are defending your wife not ingesting hormones while advocating that a future partner of yours undergo IVF just to placate your wife.

What will you do if once you've had this done she leaves and starts a new family with a new man or decides that she still doesn't want to have sex? Insist on counselling and don't ignore the red flags that she's waving in your face.

^^ calm down, dear, calm down.

Biancadelrioisback, you've got to be realistic that the risks of PIV sex are far far less for men than for women. Nor is OP's wife taking all types of sex off the table.

--

Fundamentally, we each have a choice about the risks we're prepared to take with our own bodies.

People suggesting all kinds of alternative contraceptive methods are ignoring her right to choose not to take that risk. Condoms may have a low failure rate with perfect use - but her own experience and real life use make it far from negligible. Diaphragms - she has to go and get measured for that, has to learn how to use it correctly, has to insert it each time, and still a risk. Tracking - she has to learn how to do that correctly, be aware of it the whole time and be the one to say it's safe not safe etc etc. None of it's foolproof and the majority of it involves a lot of effort on the woman's part. For a type of sex her preference is to forgo rather than take the risk.

If a man is fully committed to his partner and they’re done with having children a vasectomy is the easiest solution and the honourable thing to do.

But he isn't sure that he's done with having children is he?

If his wife is do sure that she's done with having children then she needs to be sterilised. Why should she gave the right to demand it of op, meanwhile keeping her fertility intact so that if, in the future she decides to start over she'll be able to.

Of course she can refuse piv sex and op can refuse to live in a relationship like that. Maybe his wife wants to think about what her.life will look like post divorce when she only sees the children eow and is paying out child support.

Plus, wonder what she'll do contraception wise if they split up? Reckon she'll be celibate for the rest of her days, only what contraception would be available to her - no hormonal, no coil, no diaphragm , no condoms, no sterilisation - will she insist that any boyfriend has a vasectomy first? Wonder how she'd explain that on her tinder profile?

Her attitude has big all to do with contraception or fear of pregnancy and all to do with controlling op.

I am totally committed to her and our marriage and the kids. I know some people have suggested counciling but i am not sure how she will take it if I suggest that to her. I don’t want to make things worse. Do you really think that’s what we need? Everything has been fine up until now.

I dont know if I am just making a really big deal out of it when I should do it if I am committed to her. I do trust her that she would pay for me to have my sperm frozen and won’t just stop paying part way through. I couldn’t imagine her doing that. Yes she is probably a bit more assertive than me but we love each other

know that I am maybe a bit passive with some aspects in our relationship but I have always been a bit like that and she

I dont know if I am just making a really big deal out of it when I should do it if I am committed to her.

But it is a big deal. It's completely different if you want to have it done but if you aren't sure then you should wait.

It's less of a big deal for her to use a diaphragm and you to use condoms so why won't she consider that? What's her compromise?

Had one worst decision of my life constant dull pain then sharp pain that would stop m in my tracks
1 in 10 end up with pain or complications for life very little they can do .At 1 point there was talk of losing a testicile look into side effect .
nobody tells you about them yet very common .
It's so difficult birth control falls to the woman but paractically all the options are for women .

It's not controlling to decide what you do with your own body.

What OP decides to do with his body is up to him.

Don't do it! You don't sound 100% You wouldn't be doing it because you think you definitely don't want more children, you'd be doing it to keep her happy. And you're not neccessarily going to make a baby with one lot of frozen sperm.

I think it is the right decision for our marriage to do it. I never thought i would do it so young but I suppose I would’ve done it some day because she doesn’t want to be pregnant again so isn’t that much harm to do it earlier.

If I don’t do it I don’t think she will change her mind about sex which is totally her decision and I understand but I think being in a sexless marriage this young will just build up resentment between us and i really want to keep the family and our marriage together

My partner told me he did not want any more children as he didn't want any past 30 (1with me and 1 wonderful SS). I said that its his body, his choice, but long term better for me not having to use any contraceptives. He asked if I wanted more children and I said that it has to be both want more or have no more and completely respect his decision. I asked what if in the worst case we split in future and he was in a new relationship with a woman who wanted a child and he said no still don't want any more. So hes booked in February 14th (brilliant day to have it done). He is 100% sure and unless you are don't do it.

I wouldn't. DP was coerced into one by his XW (similar situation to yours), and is now regretting it terribly.

Op, your posts are really sad to read. You clearly don’t want to have a vasectomy, for very valid reasons, and you’re being put under an unacceptable amount of pressure. This is not what is going to be best for your marriage because it’s too detrimental to one of you. If it’s not good for both of you, it’s not going to be good for the marriage. If you continue like this, dancing to her tune entirely while she refuses to consider perfectly reasonable options for contraception, I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife loses all her respect for you. Pushovers are not attractive long term.

Your wife is totally unreasonable on not compromising on condoms or other barrier protection methods. There is plan B if there was ever an accident

You should push for this over a permanent solution at such an early stage in life and agree to reassess in a few years

I have tried to suggest that we use condoms or other non hormonal contraception but she is not comfortable with it and I don’t know how I can change her mind on that

Sorry to unload a bit on here. I am not sure how much should be shared. I just want to say I joined mumsnet for support and to be part of the community and I do really appreciate everyone that has posted even if they have differing views.

I think at your age you should be reluctant. My husband had a vasectomy 2 weeks ago, but we are early 40's with a toddler. We are way too tired for anymore children. Mid 30's we would have told you that we weren't having any more children but it turned out we have had more in us!

You shouldn't do anything like that unless you are 100% happy to. Same as a woman shouldn't terminate a pregnancy or have a child because someone else wants her tool

Have therapy for yourself, not couple's therapy.

She isn't keen, because her unreasonable attitude would be sussed out by a therapist. Most controlling people aren't interested in therapy.

Op, your posts are really sad to read.

I agree.

you’re being put under an unacceptable amount of pressure.

Indeed he is.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife loses all her respect for you. Pushovers are not attractive long term.

This is so true. I wanted to say it earlier, but didn't want to offend you. Women don't find the passive, how high should I jump kind of man.

Saying the V would show your commitment to the family is a really manipulative comment. So up to now, she doesn't think
you've been committed then?

You're attitude is so defeatist, like you don't have a choice.

Please get some counselling/therapy before you do this