Anyone else developing boundaries of iron as you get older?

[Lottapianos]

My boundaries are much better than they used to be after years of therapy but my gosh, my tolerance for bullshit is really vanishing. Friend has let me down badly in terms of emotional support and I called her out on it. She was very defensive, which is understandable I guess, but on balance I'm glad I had my say. Colleague at work likes to bend my ear about personal stuff, but never returns the favour. And I'm done with it. I'm an excellent listener- I know this because I've had extensive experiences over the years with utterly shit listeners. I'm tired of listening, being kind, being a cheerleader and hardly ever getting the same in return. I'm not a therapist or a carer to these people and I need to remember that. I'm all in favour of give and take in relationships, but I'm getting really sick of one way traffic

Can anyone else relate?

Yep. Absolutely. I don't have boundaries of iron yet but I am done with just listening to other people, I am also a good listener but I have been getting very resentful and angry if I am not listened to and I realise that in a lot of my relationships I am the listener. Oh yes, I can also really relate to being other people's cheerleader, sounding board, and also I am ignored if they don't like what I have said because at those points, I turn into their invisible friend and they can say whatever they like. I have had enough. I have called time. I am not a therapist, nor would I have the faintest clue where to start with those who only like the sound of their own voices and have no inclination to take themselves off to therapy and do any kind of work on themselves as they think they are always in the right.
I would love more give and take relationships, isn't that the basis of relationships...and I do have those and they are far less intense so they are the ones I will hold. Good luck OP. Therapy has been the eye-opener for me too, but what a bloody painful eye-opener it has been!

'have no inclination to take themselves off to therapy and do any kind of work on themselves as they think they are always in the right.'

Lots of that around! I'm so glad you can relate. I hear a lot of stuff about how the most important thing is to be kind, and I get that, but I'm feeling so drained by other people's take take take. Cant be doing with wet blankets either - if I have shit going on, I need someone to stand beside me in the shit, at least for a while, not give me bland platitudes about being 'here for you' while trying to jolly me out of whatever I'm feeling.

I'm feeling really angry at the moment, and I think that's always a sign that your boundaries are being messed with. Maybe my boundaries aren't quite as strong as I thought, but I'm more aware of needing to strengthen them

And yes, therapy is sheer bloody murder at times, but it's also the best thing I've ever done for myself

Yep. Also learning that unless the relationship is super-valuable to you, there's little point in talking about it. People are too defensive about their own issues.

I had an amazing conversation recently with a very close friend though, where I raised issues and we talked them through. It reminded me of how a healthy relationship could be, and that it IS possible to be super close with someone and not feel like your boundaries are being pushed.

Yeah. I got my first level-up in boundaries in my early 20s, when my pre-A-levels relationship fell over and I realised I wasn't getting any support from all the people who I'd supported for the last seven years through their breakups - pretty much my entire social circle. That was a revelation.

These days, fuck it. Anyone being a dick at me gets called out or forever ignored, as appropriate.

'Also learning that unless the relationship is super-valuable to you, there's little point in talking about it. People are too defensive about their own issues.'

Sadly, I think you're right. Slightly kicking myself over saying anything to my friend, but honestly was sick of keeping all the hurt and disappointment to myself

'I had an amazing conversation recently with a very close friend though, where I raised issues and we talked them through'

That's brilliant, and so rare. What a precious relationship

I totally relate to what you're saying about platitudes too. I had a relationship where, when I tried to talk to my gf about issues (not even relationship issues - those just resulted in defense), she'd shut me down by saying something like 'Oh, never mind! Let's not be sad! I've got some of that ice cream in that you like for after tea'. Always happy and chirpy, but no clue of how to support me in working through something. Total unwillingness to get involved emotionally. Just wanted me to be happy... as if I could flick a switch!

She wanted to be friends after we broke up, but I don't speak to her any more. I value true connections.

'I don't need ice cream!! I'm 43 and I've got a work problem!!' (still makes me laugh)

Sorry OP. Think I just had a rant!

'Total unwillingness to get involved emotionally. Just wanted me to be happy... as if I could flick a switch!'

Oh how I hear you! I find it helps to think of people like that as emotionally immature. Unless they're sociopaths, then they do have complex, messy emotions of their own, but dont know how to handle them, so they just stick them in a box and pretend they dont exist. So they're incapable of making space for anyone else's emotions either. It's sad for them, and incredibly hurtful to be on the receiving end

True connection is depressingly hard to find

Rant away! Very therapeutic....

As if you could be distracted with icecream, like a child

I'm not sure its age as much as experiences. I'm not even mid 30s but following a traumatic birth and nearly losing DD I was shocked and appalled at just how shitty some friends and family were. Some ignored it all together, others were actively unhelpful and cruel because it didnt fit their perfect little family image with a special care baby. A couple of unexpected friends really came through for me and I have found those friendships more reciprocal in that they eb and flow depending on who has things going on in their life. I'm no longer bogged down by FOG as much and feel no guilt at ignoring those who didnt even bother to reach out as my life fell apart. I'm finding myself being more picking with new friends and being more assertive with what I want and need. Otherwise everyone appears happy to accept my help and support but disappeared when I was in need.

I can relate and I agree it's not so much age, but maybe experience, or circumstances.

I'm finding it hard to listen to stuff that's important to people. e.g. my best mate has a very complicated corporate career - I had a bit of success but stepped back as couldn't cope - and she likes to tell me the details of her conversations with seniors and wants to know how I would handle certain things.

I can barely focus on the conversation tbh. All my emotional reserves are used with my elderly mother and I'm beginning to think the death of my dad, 16 months ago, has had a bigger effect on me than I knew.

I no longer want to mix with anyone who won't return a favour. Or even answer their calls....

Yes I have been on this journey.

I thought that the most important thing in life was to be kind and compassionate but I had many people off-loading their shit on to me - having no respect for my time, needs, feelings - and when it came to my crisis v few were there.

I am aware that I had a role to play in this as I got some sort of ego boost by being needed. But I was then pigeon holed as the mate for one to one weepy coffees - but then excluded from their fun and frolics social events.

I worked out that they could only see me as holding all of their negative stuff - which they didn’t want to be reminded of. Maybe they felt they overshared, had exposed their secrets and vulnerabilities. I believe that they had only wanted to dump their issues on me to then free themselves up for a light hearted joyous life. I would be worrying about them, researching an issue for them - but they never wanted it resolved - just off loaded.

I realise that’s a lot of co-decency and drama triangle stuff which I now know the dynamics of so I now don’t get involved with “drains” - emotional vampires. They are easy to spot as they are v intense when you first meet them and bring you a problem (they have probably been hawking this around their family and friends for decades). I swerve these types now - and the old “friends” that I had accumulated with this behaviour I have put in boundaries and changed the dynamic - they didn’t like that.

These people also take up your time, headspace and pollute your emotions - so you have no time left or energy to make space for all the good fun people in your life - the radiators.

Learning that you also become a mix of the people you spend most time with is enough to shift you into action.

That's exactly what she would say, @Lottapianos! She would actually say that she just put negative emotions 'in a box', and tried to do happy things instead. I guess dealing with the 'full range of emotions' is an art! She was quite a lesson for me, in that she was wildly crossing my boundaries and making me very uncomfortable, all the while being lovely and sweet. She's a really nice person, not a sociopath at all. Just not capable of dealing with negative things. I think she genuinely did want me to feel better too.

It's hard to identify what crosses your boundaries. Being pushed aside (however kindly) really steps on my toes.

I think I am beginning to realise how much mine need work :(

Oh yes, one of the benefits of being in my 40s (and yes, experiences as well as age have contributed) is that I have developed the ability to not give a fuck about certain stuff

I believe this is also a feminist issue as women are socialised into being kind and being nice. I think if we can be polite and we can be honest and we will be happier.

Obviously I am still kind when I don't really want to be but feel it really is necessary (such as patiently listening to elderly parents anecdotes of People I Personally Haven't Seen For Years and What Happened At The Shops ) but I no longer have a wide circle of friends for example. I have three very good friends who I love and who are genuine friends.

I'm also glad I had my DC young as I feel I can now set a better example for them in having good boundaries and being assertive (and again, a feminist issue as women are called bossy and possibly rude, when a man would be assertive and firm).

I still don't think no is a complete sentence though and I still think basic manners are a good thing. I don't think we should sacrifice our own well being for stuff that isn't really important to us and deep down we don't give a fuck about (eg you don't need to listen to Linda from Accounts long tale of having a row with her BF of three months)

I also don't give a fuck what people think of my appearance which is very liberating. Hurrah for getting older!

@pinboard Don't be sad - it's a really positive process, you just feel stronger and stronger as you go along.

Recognising the issue is the hurtiest bit, and you've done that.

I think you're right folks - its experience, not age. Loads of experience of holding people's hands, but then being dropped when it's your turn to need support. It's very bloody character building as they say!

I used to be such a people pleaser, and a fixer, and a rescuer and I'm honestly done with all that shit. Its slowly becoming quite liberating

I remember reading a quote from the actor Amy Poehler, whose public persona is very perky, blonde and funny - 'I don't like most people, and it's a misconception that I do'. I found it quite harsh and quite shocking at the time, but now I think shes really onto something!

“ Maybe they felt they overshared, had exposed their secrets and vulnerabilities.”

I only learned that this had been the cause of the end of a friendship because of reading it on MN. Felt a right plum!

@Eckhart - thanks, will try to view it positively like this.

(at the moment I feel like I just can't trust myself?)

@pinboard That's totally normal. If you're not used to setting boundaries, you won't really know how to do it. When I started, I was even wary of my closest friends, because my boundaries were on high alert all the time! I realised after a while that I don't have to trust myself because there's no right or wrong. If it feels bad, I walk. It's that simple.

Me! my resolution this year is to tackle people that speak rudely to me or attempt to- I am calm and firm 'Don't speak to me like that'

It's revolutionary

Yes. Me too. Working on my boundaries now after a particularly shitty experience with a (former) friend.

I think it's a bit ridiculous to class this as a feminist issue. Men are often emotionally abused by women and need boundaries just as much. Boundaries are for everyone!

Eckhart It is not in it's entirety a feminist issue, but that is a factor for some of us