Anyone else developing boundaries of iron as you get older?

[Lottapianos]

My boundaries are much better than they used to be after years of therapy but my gosh, my tolerance for bullshit is really vanishing. Friend has let me down badly in terms of emotional support and I called her out on it. She was very defensive, which is understandable I guess, but on balance I'm glad I had my say. Colleague at work likes to bend my ear about personal stuff, but never returns the favour. And I'm done with it. I'm an excellent listener- I know this because I've had extensive experiences over the years with utterly shit listeners. I'm tired of listening, being kind, being a cheerleader and hardly ever getting the same in return. I'm not a therapist or a carer to these people and I need to remember that. I'm all in favour of give and take in relationships, but I'm getting really sick of one way traffic

Can anyone else relate?

*Alot of what you are describing is a saviour complex.

It's quite backward to listen to other peoples crap without complaint and then simultaneously play the victim and blame them for not appreciating something you see they don't respond to anyway.

If you've stayed there in that role most if your lives then you've made a choice to assume that role.*

THIS @mym

Looking at this from the other side.
I think I may have been a 'drain'

And also a people pleaser and definitely' saviour complex- angry when people didn't take my fabulous advice.

But around menopause and accumulating list of events I've come through the other side the person I've always wanted ti be.

I find that with an up beat attitude I have loads of lovely friends.

I find that if one is in trouble I can be supportive without losing any energy myself.

I also on occasion, if I feel the need, am able to ask for help and it is reciprocated.

But I'm very select who I ask.

I've learnt to trust myself to do whatever it takes to sort stuff and do not rely on using people as a crutch.

If people start with the woe is me I am supportive but only to a point and will then move on to something more positive - and there is always something.

Julia Kristina in YouTube does some amazing free vids about boundaries - 25 ways to say NO. Is a good one to start with.

I also did CBT which helped to give a good sense of self.

It's quite backward to listen to other peoples crap without complaint and then simultaneously play the victim and blame them for not appreciating something you see they don't respond to anyway.

Huh, yes, this. That's what I've done. It's like on some level I thought they should be taking my advice because I knew better. I thought it would be terrifying to realise that I don't know better, but I feel calmer and more full of joy knowing that I don't. It is also changing my relationship with my kids because the same thing applies with them. This is a great thread, thank you.