Anyone else developing boundaries of iron as you get older?

[Lottapianos]

My boundaries are much better than they used to be after years of therapy but my gosh, my tolerance for bullshit is really vanishing. Friend has let me down badly in terms of emotional support and I called her out on it. She was very defensive, which is understandable I guess, but on balance I'm glad I had my say. Colleague at work likes to bend my ear about personal stuff, but never returns the favour. And I'm done with it. I'm an excellent listener- I know this because I've had extensive experiences over the years with utterly shit listeners. I'm tired of listening, being kind, being a cheerleader and hardly ever getting the same in return. I'm not a therapist or a carer to these people and I need to remember that. I'm all in favour of give and take in relationships, but I'm getting really sick of one way traffic

Can anyone else relate?

Yes, with cast iron knobs on

Yes, and it's a factor for many men, too. That's like saying obesity is a feminist issue because it's a factor for some women. Obesity and boundaries are issues across the board.

Boundaries are for everyone, but emotional labour is loaded onto women (e.g. in the workplace at the expense of their careers) see article on female profs.

Yes, I'm not saying it doesn't happen to women. Or women professors (what was the relevance of this?) I'm saying emotional abuse happens to men without boundaries too, and they also have a conditioned disadvantage in that they are conditioned to be 'strong' and to not talk about their problems.

Yes, can definitely relate. Called out my cousins recently for being over half an hour late for a meal (I was sat at the table like a numpty during that time). They looked so shocked when I said, "Oh, what happened?" when they all sat down!

I'm 46 and yes! DH is taking the brunt but I just seem to have zero tolerance for bullshit, naval gazing or people trying to take advantage/push my boundaries. It's causing ructions in my marriage because I'm currently pushing back re a family situation and DH is looking at me like I have two heads because I'm not just rolling over to keep everyone else happy, which it would appear was my default response up til now. I'm not sure how I feel about it tbh but I don't seem to be able to help it so here we are

Yeh it's tricky for all humans. We all have our gender stereotypes to contend with. Bottom line is, if someone's being a dick it's ok to call them on it or stop seeing them. Why did no one tell me this about 30 years ago...probably because they didn't know it either I'm starting to realise. Never to late to learn though. I have been such a doormat.

Can definitely relate.

I'm still deeply saddened and shocked about the lack of support from my own parents after a traumatic couple of years.

They have shown their true colours and I've distanced myself with giant fuck off walls around me now. They aren't nice people and I have zero tolerance for arseholes these days.

I had a late miscarriage and when I told them it was basically a shoulder shrug and "they thought it was going to be something really serious" when I told them. I then had a stressful pregnancy following this, lots of appointments and tests and when my dc was born I had a horrific birth experience which could have ended very badly. My dc then needed life saving surgery at a few weeks old and we'd lost his only dummy in the ambulance during the hospital transfer. I called my Dad to ask if he'd drive 30 mins to the hospital and pick up some new ones in the 24 hour shop on the way. This was at 9pm and his reason for not wanting to was that his car had the blanket on the screen ready for the frost that night. Sounds so pathetic to be unable to forgive this but DS take this type of dummy and the consultant advised us to use one to help with the pain. He would rather my tiny unwell newborn be in pain than get the cunting blanket off his car and drive to help.

Ahhh that was therapeutic, thanks op!

Meant to say DS would only take to one particular type of dummy that the hospital shop didn't stock.

Also I'm not that nuts to shut off my parents over a couple of incidents.

Unfortunately it's been a lifetime of letting me down.

I should add, another thing I missed, the same person who over shared also said her therapist was sick of her.

What I was thinking when I accepted the first drinks invitation, I really couldn’t tell you.

Yes Eckhart that's fine, but it's madness not to recognise that overall women do more emotional labour than men?

Yup yup yup. I’m even applying it to my adult DC. “No, you can’t take me for granted any more, I’ll pay for your meal out when I feel like it but don’t bloody count on it!”

One of the phrases I learnt on here was:

“Givers need to set the boundaries because takers never do.”

Sounds so simple really - but I could then see it - that people have different boundaries and takers are out to exploit / push the boundaries of givers. So givers have say where it is as takers don’t have one when it comes to others.

Also there is often no drama in putting one down with these types because they experience push back all the time - they are used to being told No - but just always have to try, they are often thick skinned and will just move onto another target / victim.

It also helped me to see that it was MY responsibility to lay out MY boundaries instead of just allowing repeated piss taking and moaning about it.

My new found tool is just to check “the feeling” when someone asks, comments or does something etc. If it feels “OFF” then I don’t spend days worrying, ruminating if I am being unreasonable or not to feel out upon or trying to dissect their motives and fighting against my gut.

It’s just “No, that doesn’t work for me” or “I will come back to you on that”.

It’s incredibly freeing and makes you feel strong.

Me too! I recently called my SIL out over some behaviour which was really annoying me. I think she’s emotionally stunted as she’s very “everything is wonderful” don’t talk about anything I find uncomfortable. She cannot deal with any conflict and this has led to her daughters taking such advantage of her (she has one who is 26 still at home, doesn’t work, SIL pays for her car, phone, designer clothes etc) then SIL is always complaining about it and how much she wants her to leave home. She constantly gives them money as she fears saying no will cause conflict.

Me! It's actually really liberating, ironically. I feel so much less pressure to 'be nice' and 'make an effort with x' for the sake of appearances. Sod that!

I don't have them yet in iron but getting there

'I'm saying emotional abuse happens to men without boundaries too"

Oh no doubt. My DP has put up with untold amounts of shit from his mother because he was brought up to be 'a good boy' and to put her needs above his own. I do think it's a more common issue for women though because virtually every one of us is socialised to be 'nice' and to make other people happy. That takes a lot of in learning

Elliesmelly, that is HORRENDOUS. All of it. I feel your pain - I have had zero emotional support from my parents for years now. It really fucking hurts and it's really shit. When I hear people bleating about how all parents love their children beyond measure and want nothing but the best for them, I feel like punching them

I'm becoming extremely outspoken. Well, by my own inhibited standards!
"No, I really dont want to that' followed by 'I cant think of anything worse' was a recent conversation.

I'm using 'why would i do that?' a lot, too.

Also 'will you stop with the hard done by act, its irritating'.

I'm not sure how much longer DH will stick around! 🤣

I’ve shut my door recently. I need to reopen it, but I’m struggling to.
I feel so let down, some family, “friends”, even people I paid for services have been shit.
I really have lost my faith in humanity and feel like nobody cares about anyone else but themselves.

When I feel ready I’ll resume my strict boundaries.

I love the giver taker quote, it’s so true.

Virtually every man has been conditioned not to talk about their emotional issues or to show weakness, so we've no way of knowing. Women are conditioned to talk about their feelings and be vulnerable, so we will hear about it much more from women. Some men kill themselves due to emotional abuse rather than assert their boundaries. I don't think this should be overlooked with the cry of the word 'feminism!!'

'No, I really dont want to that' followed by 'I cant think of anything worse' was a recent conversation.'

Liking this. A lot

A fairly new friend of mine told me today that she once moved house, in the days before mobile phones and social media, and only gave her new address and phone number to people she actively wanted to stay in touch with. To the other takers, drains, deadwood and muppets in her life, she just vanished off the face of the earth she had ZERO regrets and found it really liberating!

bubbles why do you need to reopen the door?

It's funny you should use that phrase....I could literally hear my brain saying "doors are closing" in certain circumstances.

I am done being the therapist to every sod who wanders in and dunps their shite in a pile at my feet, sucks the oxygen out of the room, drinks my tea then fucks off telling me me how much better they feel and we simply must do this again.

Well, hoofyckingray for you.
My door opens by appointment now.
My door is permanently closed to some and my life is the better for it
I do not feign I terest in arseholes anymore. I simply make my apologies and move along. Time is too precious people.

Love your post, lolaflores