Anyone else developing boundaries of iron as you get older?

[Lottapianos]

My boundaries are much better than they used to be after years of therapy but my gosh, my tolerance for bullshit is really vanishing. Friend has let me down badly in terms of emotional support and I called her out on it. She was very defensive, which is understandable I guess, but on balance I'm glad I had my say. Colleague at work likes to bend my ear about personal stuff, but never returns the favour. And I'm done with it. I'm an excellent listener- I know this because I've had extensive experiences over the years with utterly shit listeners. I'm tired of listening, being kind, being a cheerleader and hardly ever getting the same in return. I'm not a therapist or a carer to these people and I need to remember that. I'm all in favour of give and take in relationships, but I'm getting really sick of one way traffic

Can anyone else relate?

I dont leave myself open to my family's dynamics in the way I used to and wonder why I kept feeling shit

lola "I am done being the therapist to every sod who wanders in and dunps their shite in a pile at my feet, sucks the oxygen out of the room, drinks my tea then fucks off telling me me how much better they feel and we simply must do this again."

brilliantly phrased, made me LOL so hard.

Brilliant, isnt it? I want it on a t shirt

In a word what you have described is MATURING

@AutumnRose1 there is only so long I can avoid family. My DH will also divorce me if I keep it up . It’s not a positive thing for me, just a necessity right now till I figure stuff out.

Yes, so much.

It came at me like a train when I realised that I’d been keeping the emotional climate regulated for loads of people.

It’s also incredibly controlling, you need to let people manage their own feelings.

I know much better now, though unfortunately I’ve become rather self-contained as a result.

Maturing!... I’m so well mature I’m either well rotted manure or 12 year old single malt whiskey. The art of failing to update address books/ block telephone numbers and totally ignore ignorant family members and other soul sucking leeches is one worth learning early in life. I’m done with ‘parenting’ everyone.

bubbles ah, I see.

hero "self contained" I am very self contained but am aiming to be more self contained because I can see that everyone is getting on my nerves so much, my life will be even more solitary later!

@Happygirl79, I don't agree it's to do with maturing. It's having the ability to step out of yourself, reflect on yourself and look at your relationships objectively. That doesn't automatically come with age.

I've got friends who offload onto me but don't want to know when I need to talk about something. Funnily enough one of them seems to have changed after I stopped contact for over 2 years, and is now much more willing to listen and respond if I need to talk.

What I find difficult is that DH and I have different boundaries. So if after a couple of times we have invited friends round for a meal and/or drinks and they never reciprocate, I don't bother inviting them over again, but DH would quite happily have them over again, taking advantage of our hospitality without ever reciprocating.

I used to go along with him in the past but now I've told him we're not inviting certain people round again and why, namely because they are scrounging CF, and he's accepted it.

I have decreased my circle of friends quite a bit and am very careful when meeting new people. I don't care if I only have one real friend, rather that than loads of fakes.

Self contained is a great description. That's me. Not lonely or a loner or even unsociable. But I am very very selective about whom I spend my precious time with and expend energy on.

oh this is all really interesting...

what about when you think your boundaries are okay at the time but it is only later that you process that it wasnt OK at ALL?
thinking of an old friend who said: 'we should stop now, i dont want to take advantage of you'. I said: 'its okay' but it wasnt and I didnt really realise till a few days later. What is that about? How do I practice realising at the TIME? Aaargh.

'It’s also incredibly controlling, you need to let people manage their own feelings.'

Very true. Saintly, martyred types who run around seemingly doing everyone else's bidding and never standing up for themselves are never as straightforward as they seem. I used to be one, and used to work with an even worse example, and the control freakery was strong in both cases!

Pinboard - reflecting, questioning, regretting, kicking yourself, I think they're all part of the learning process! Like anything else, setting boundaries gets easier with practice and with time. Dont be too hard on yourself

My boundaries are rock solid and I've got rid of all the dementors in my life. My circle is very small and I'm happy this way.

I think I also need to learn to shut up

As I’ve become more introverted and had less contact with people, I seem more likely to say things straight, which has already upset some posters on another thread.

Fleabag spoiler alert....look away if you don’t want to see....I feel a bit like the priest. When Fleabag says “I love you” and he says “it’ll pass”.

Sounds harsh but true.

gosh how good somebody posted this thread.For last L 2 years I thought is something wrong with me. I'm 40 very good listener nice human being ( some qualification in psychology so good understanding of mental health) but I couldn't cope for several years. I felt used by people and always was thinking is my fault. I even decided to go for counselling last year to learn how to control my boundaries. The lady told my after 3 sessions that is not a problem with me only other people around me.
For last 2 years I have tidy up my friendships. Only couple of decent people around me left but I feel much better. I started saying STOP even if I have to pay the price and be lonely.

God, I am loving this thread.

Its lovely to hear that so many of you are enjoying this thread. I'm so glad I started it! I really struggle to find connection, like many of us, and its enormously validating to hear from other people who feel the same. So thank you!

I started saying STOP even if I have to pay the price and be lonely.

The thing is you won’t feel lonely. These draining taker types - steal and dominate your time and energy so that you miss out on spending time with the nice people. Once you ditch them you have capacity for socialising and having fun with better people.

It’s also v v lonely being in a one way conversation / friendship.

A friend told me recently that if she spent time with someone who talked at her and never asked her about herself she just dropped them - we are taught to be too polite and accommodating. That’s fine to save that for nice people but same rules don’t apply for CFs.

Oh yes, one of the benefits of being in my 40s (and yes, experiences as well as age have contributed) is that I have developed the ability to not give a fuck about certain stuff

I have an entirely unscientific observatin that most women develop the "fuck off" response where they previously had the "bend over backward" response around late 30s/early 40s. It coincides with juggling growing children, mid life crisis partners, aging parents and their own careers.

If you don't develop it then you never will.

Lottapianos put it on a mug and stick it in front of the next piss taking drama llama and see if they get the message.
I might just embroider it

I recently made a new friend who is excellent, I confessed I’d been having a problem with something and she said ‘thank god! You’re being a person with me at last! You know you don’t have to cope with everything by yourself?’

It was really quite a moment for me, I realised how much I’ve been holding back in the hope of appearing to be managing so perfectly. I’m not going to be sharing everything, but being open and getting honesty in return is lovely.

I LOVE this thread!

I've also realised that the relationships I keep thinking through in my head and feeling resentful over or struggling to let go are the ones where I didn't assert my boundaries. I think that gives you great closure as well, when cutting CF's out.

For me, this maturing has happened after both my parents died. My mum was a massive people pleaser and it's like I don't need to worry about what she thinks of my behaviour anymore. She's not around and I don't need to keep up appearances for her. Sad, but also a relief.

Alot of what you are describing is a saviour complex.

It's quite backward to listen to other peoples crap without complaint and then simultaneously play the victim and blame them for not appreciating something you see they don't respond to anyway.

If you've stayed there in that role most if your lives then you've made a choice to assume that role.

Well I think it's a choice up to a point. If you've been well trained since childhood to put others first, and that being a good person means being what other people need you to be, you dont always realise that there is another way to build relationships. It took years of therapy for me to become a reformed people pleaser, and now I know I can make a different choice, and that it's ok to think about what I need, not just what others need