Anyone else developing boundaries of iron as you get older?

[Lottapianos]

My boundaries are much better than they used to be after years of therapy but my gosh, my tolerance for bullshit is really vanishing. Friend has let me down badly in terms of emotional support and I called her out on it. She was very defensive, which is understandable I guess, but on balance I'm glad I had my say. Colleague at work likes to bend my ear about personal stuff, but never returns the favour. And I'm done with it. I'm an excellent listener- I know this because I've had extensive experiences over the years with utterly shit listeners. I'm tired of listening, being kind, being a cheerleader and hardly ever getting the same in return. I'm not a therapist or a carer to these people and I need to remember that. I'm all in favour of give and take in relationships, but I'm getting really sick of one way traffic

Can anyone else relate?

Oh yes. Anyone makes me feel remotely bad for no good reason or they're unnecessarily unpleasant to me that's it they're gone. I don't mull it over or wonder why they don't like me. They just cease to matter. It's the best way to be. I think having children helped. They have additional needs and I couldn't afford to pussy foot round and care what people thought anymore. I had to advocate for them. I have become thick skinned and assertive and I think this has translated to my personal life too. I'm happier for it.

It is a bonus of growing older.

Saying that, I rarely had this issue with friends, more at work. But I am (lucky for me) not a people pleaser by nature. Being older, my boundaries are even better.

I am often astounded by the shit women put up with, in the Relationship Board here!

@Hidingtonothing - my DH has recently accused me of being aggressive as I now firmly refuse to roll over to his needs. I’d call it ‘asserting my boundaries’
Have been a doormat FAR too long!

REally good thread. Me too!

Traditionally a people pleaser (abusive childhood) a couple of abusive relationships, some (lots) counselling coupled with getting older (as you don't actually give a fuck anymore) and I'm so strong now! I don't put up with any shit. It's great, so empowering.

When I see what some people in RL and the relationship boards put up with I am astonished.

@MyuMe Have you ever done something the same way for a long time, and then someone shows you a better way, and you go 'Oh! Wow, that's brilliant, it'll make the job so much easier, thanks!'

It's not that you were making a poor choice, it's more about not realising there are other options.

I can clearly see where it came from (highly abusive childhood), have had counselling, but still find myself caught up in it as I don't realise 'until later' that I have fallen into that dynamic again. I am now 50.
Can I ever change it? I don't see that more counselling will help as I understand the process perfectly, it's just so embedded that I find myself falling into 'pattern' and don't realise until later.

Sorry, not meaning to be a downer, just wondering how others have actually managed to change their responses (as you cant 'change the world' only your response to it)

Yes! To be honest I never used to notice I was being "used", but round about my mid 40's when I messed up big time and found myself in a lot of trouble, I found out who my friends truly were. I tell it how it is these days and refuse to engage with user types nowadays. I'm now able to spot them most of the time. I can see looking back how I was taken advantage of so much, it started when I was a kid from my mother so really it was my "normal" unfortunately. I didn't stand a chance. Not any more and I'm glad I got there in the end.

What gets me is how huffy they get when I won't cooperate any more!

Yes pinboard you can. You have insight now, you know what’s happening. What you need now is noticing. When you feel the emotion you need to make an internal pause and think ‘what is this about for me?’

For example I often feel the need to make people laugh to cover up their sadness or awkwardness, I now recognise this urge and think ‘am I trying to make this better for myself (because I can’t bear to experience sadness) or for the other person?

You can then make a more considered response, are you instinctively responding to your past trauma over and over, or are you responding with insight?

Love this . I too have recently tightened my boundaries. Some people around me are shocked. Ive taken years to get to this point of being able to calmly an assertively say no. I feel liberated at being true to myself. I also could kick myself for spending so long keeping the peace to the detriment of my health. Anyway onwards and upwards

I always say that there is a chart, where as our age rises(women especially) our "fucks given" goes down. My boundaries have really changed since my mother passed away. Sadly a side effect of this is I now have zero social life. I don't have the time for bullshit any more.

@Herocomplex

THANK YOU - that is very helpful.
I now notice - too late - it's noticing in the moment I need to practice.
And then have the self belief to stick with that 'gut' NO.
It's all a process - I am getting there.

Pinboard Yes, you can change it, don't worry. It might feel like a mountain of work or too hard or too ingrained but, honestly, for me, it was like something clicked and it all happened at once without me trying.

It's hard to word, but for me it was about dumping the feeling 'I don't feel good about this, but that's probably just me being silly.'

For a while I thought about the person I respect most, who has excellent boundaries and the life they want. Then I did internal impressions of them all the time in my head! Nobody knew, but it was just in simple everyday situations like when somebody lets a door go in your face or pushes in in a queue. It was good practice and helped me to start to see that I could interact with the world differently, and crucially, the world interacts back differently.

You'll find a way that suits you. Now you're aware of what's going on, and you have a desire to change it, it's quite possible you won't be able to stop the change even if you try!

Listen acutely to your feelings. All the time. It's intense but it's a bit like learning to drive; it all seems massively impossible and then suddenly you're doing it without thinking, and compiling a shopping list in your head whilst working out a new route to somewhere all at once! But the main thing is being aware of how you feel, and not trying to pretend that that's not important. It is SO important. It is who you are.

Eckhart makes a crucial point about feelings and emotion.

If you’ve had therapy you’ll know that it’s important to locate and ‘feel’ your feelings. If you were always expected to ignore them or squash them down (stop crying, don’t get angry, cheer up, don’t be silly, pull yourself together etc) you might have learned that your feelings aren’t good things.

I’m not suggesting you unleash your anger on all and sundry by shouting and throwing things, but you can certainly acknowledge it and have a think about what that might be.

Your feelings matter, you can regulate them more easily if you understand them.

Yes.
@Erkhart and @Herocomplex - thank you again.
I can't bear people (my exH for example) who squawk:
'its not my fault, he/she/the situation MADE me do it'

Well, yes and no. My abusive childhood began VERY young.
So, 'it made me who I am' in the sense that I had no normal to begin with - BUT it is my responsibility to change the way I respond if I can.
No one can or will do that for me and I can only do that by listening to my feelings, and trying to shorten the time delay so I can utilise them.

I hope it IS like driving - too many things to pay attention to, seems overwhelming, then one day it just 'clicks'. Though I guess like driving, it can be trickier if you are tired, meet lots of other idiots on the road / the weather conditions are bad so the thing is to make sure you leave yourself with a spare 'spoon' (I LOVE Spoon Theory) in case you come up against a situation that challenges your newfound boundaries.

Sorry to witter. I hope this is useful to others in their boundary strengthening Life Quest

Didn't know what Spoon Theory was, but have just googled, and now love it too

Take your time pin, you can even say out loud ‘ I’m feeling angry about that and I’m not sure why, can you leave it with me a minute?’, or ‘when I hear you say that I feel upset, I need to understand why that is’

Yup. There's no rush. If it takes you a week to work out why you're upset about something, it takes you a week. Anybody who respects you will give you the time you need. Identifying the feelings and respecting them is more important than doing it quickly. Like with anything else, it can be super slow when you first start, but you get quicker with experience. I narrowed it all down to one sensation ('You're not LISTENING to me!!!') and now it's really easy to spot.

Give yourself time. You have lots of time for this. It might be your most important project ever!

I've come across Spoon theory and Emotional Accounting (not just counting diminishing spoons but realising you need to keep your emotional profit and loss book balanced / but preferably in profit)
at an Autism workshop - but helpful more widely too for many folk?

'But the main thing is being aware of how you feel, and not trying to pretend that that's not important. It is SO important. It is who you are.'

YES YES YES to this.

I think the comparison to learning to drive is spot on. I learned to drive about a year ago and it was one of the most terrifying, overwhelming things I have ever done. Now I'm more or less fine with it. I think therapy was the same - I was totally in denial about my feelings, and learning to actually feel them was scary and painful. Now I'm ok with naming a feeling but not being sure why I'm feeling it - I just give the feeling space and try to let it out in a healthy way. I do quite a bit of crying - feels awful at the time, but so much better afterwards

I cry a lot too, Lotta Always feels really healthy for me. I think it's got a really bad name, all this 'Oh, darling, don't cry!' stuff. People who care about you, unwittingly trying to get you to silence your emotions. It's as important as all other bodily functions, and often just as un-pretty!

@AutumnRose1, I love the priest in Fleabag. Love when he says that, such a brutal line but he delivers it with such compassion and he just tells the truth.

I also love a cry. I didn't cry for years, so I think I have a backlog of tears and I feel pretty relieved when they come out at (often) inappropriate and random moments. But I would prefer to be able to cry than to be so repressed as I was. I also hate it when people (particularly parents) tell their kids or other adults not to cry, or 'don't start because I'll go too'. What's wrong with crying?

Woolly great characters all round

I hate crying. I try to keep it back. I have a tendency to get absolutely hysterical and just give myself a headache and I never feel better after.

I used to think people who had no patience or tolerance for crying were weird, but now I struggle as well. I always want to be left alone while upset though. I mostly just want to be alone generally!

Never feeling better after might be a signal that you’re not exploring the feelings that lead to the crying in the first place. Maybe next time you’re in the throes of tears you could say ‘I feel really sad because...’ and just let the feelings come. Do it in private, so you can really concentrate.
If you’ve never learned to understand that being sad is ok, and that strong feelings are justified sometimes then you don’t have any tools to soothe yourself.

@blackcat86 I’m similar to you. I’m 27 and had my first DC 6 months ago. Absolutely awful crash c section and NICU for a while for baby.

Couldn’t believe how let down I was by my own side of the family. DPS family were fantastic!

I agree that it is experience. Becoming a parent is probably a massive push to say no to things more than you used to, as your priorities are so different now.

I wouldn’t say I have boundaries made of iron, maybe a strong wood at the moment but I’m getting there

About 15 years ago and older friend was going through the menopause and I asked her what it's like etc. She said " Billy, best advice, get your shit together and start dealing with the things and people who aren't there for you. Because I'm doing it now and my husband, family and friends don't know where to look in the change in me".

I've obviously never forgotten it and believe it's so true.

I am very, very careful about who gets my time.
Would much rather be on my own than spend time with toxic people or even just people who are self absorbed.

I am very conscious of teaching my DD's to be kind, yes, but most importantly be kind and love yourself first.
This is critical IMO.