He’s Jewish . I’m not.

[Upyerbum70]

Good afternoon. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here - please be gentle. Sorry if it’s long.

I’m 49 with 2 x DDs. Met b/f on a dating app (nice story behind it too). It’s only been a 3 or 4 months so I appreciate its not a long time to be together. He’s 48 with 1 x DD. He nursed his wife for a good few years before she passed away.

Just recently His parents have started putting pressure on him to find a person within his own faith to be with. I take on board This is his situation to navigate.but He’s stuck in the middle and it’s making him miserable and poorly with worry. It’s hard to watch.

My question is - what I should do?
Options: Walk away? Make the decision easier for him.
Stay- and keep at a respectful distance /stance - I. E . Keep my mouth shut (as he’s getting it in the neck from one side)
Stay - and be vocally supportive and try to let him know I’m here for him and he should be able to choose - esp after such an awful few years.

I’m a bit confused by the whole situation and his messages are a muddled to be honest. I know he likes me a lot. We laugh and have lots of contact, intimacy and a good friendship.

The bottom line is he knows at 48 he should be able to act how he pleases (within reason) as long as he’s a good parent for his daughter. But he’s struggling.

Regardless of your own opinion* so being prejudice and racist is ok as long as you aim to share information and want to educate?! Honestly I despair!

Why all the vitriol being directed at Iamback123 who has calmly and with great patience attempted to give an explanation of something it's very clear most of us don't understand?

@SirChompsAlot not a problem! I don't personally align with these beliefs/thoughts but I can see where his parents are coming from. I love my congregation and they can be backwards at times but I'm not going to argue with a bunch of 80+s The best way to our micro communities is to get involved and try to change it from within.

I understand division very well. No problem there at all

As someone so oddly keen to stir it up on this thread yes, it seems you do.

@youneedhelp

Iamback23 isn’t stating her opinions. That’s my point. She’s trying to clarify what the parents in this case might be like.

She’s explaining the opinions she knows some people have and sharing information about their rationale behind it

I think the issue is that educating people as to why older Jewish people think this way is irrelevant - people object to the racism and don't care where it stems from. That's a view not limited to just discussions about Jewish faith and inter marriage. @Iamback123 herself concedes this should change.

Hi everyone,
Unfortunately we have evidence that there has been some socking going on on this thread, which is presumably why it escalated in such a baffling manner. We have made deletions and bans and it should hopefully proceed calmly from now on.

What is socking?

@screamingladysutch

It means “sock puppeting”

When some one is running multiple accounts that will appear to either agree with each other or argue to create a higher level of drama on a thread than there would be otherwise 👍

So sorry for you OP - I'm Jewish and know just what these parents are doing - had the same emotional blackmail when I was younger. Not sure what to advise because your DP is being pulled in different directions but it is his life and it's the only one he has.

Having nursed his wife and brought up his daughter (who wants him to be happy) I hope he chooses you however much his parents might be hurt by the decision. At a similar age to your DP I went NC with my parents. It was the only solution. Best wishes to you both.

I can see where your DPs parents are coming from and sympathise with them BUT they cannot expect him to live the life they want.

Re the ‘socking’ - aren’t there some truly odd people out there?!

I'm in a long inter-faith marriage. It can be hard even though neither of us really practice our faiths.

Your bf really shouldn't be going on a dating app outside of his faith, if he's not willing to commit. It's not fair on you.

Wishing you happiness.

I suspect he went on a non-Jewish dating app because he wants to meet someone outside fo the faith! It's a shame he doesn't have the backbone that his brother does.

Having RTFT now I'm sorry OP - such a shame when you obviously clicked and yes Holocaust Memorial Day probably had something to do with his decision as well as the parents.

I take on board their stance and desire for their son to stay within the faith but think it is really v sad that their son has gone through hell losing the mother of his only child to terminal illness, followed by a relationship breakdown and then a MH collapse - and they can’t find it in their hearts to give him a chink of joy and love.

Was marriage the aim for both of you? Was this discussed? If not is even a non Jewish GF not permissible? Most people your age that I know with already established families don’t bother marrying.

Was he looking for a step mother for his DD? Maybe his parents who seem to be doing a lot of the care want him to re-marry so that they can shift responsibility back?

When I was younger (in our 20s) I had a good friend dating a Jewish man. He let her know right off the bat that as long as his grandmother was alive he would never marry a non-Jewish (from birth) girl because he would be cut out of a very large (think life-changing) inheritance. The family was pressuring him to marry before her death to 'bring Grandma peace' insure the inheritance. She decided it wasn't worth waiting for him to decide that she was worth more than the money. No one lives longer than a rich old person.

Could money be a factor in your (now ex-) BF's dithering?

Blimey - just on a break. Didn’t realise things had got a bit ‘socky’. 🙁

gutterton your post was precisely my thoughts when he hinted that his parents wanted him to go to the event on Saturday night so he could ‘meet someone’. I take on board their stance and desire for their son to stay within the faith but think it is really v sad that their son has gone through hell losing the mother of his only child to terminal illness, followed by a relationship breakdown and then a MH collapse - and they can’t find it in their hearts to give him a chink of joy and love .

And yes - he shouldn’t be on the apps if he’s got no intention of following through. What’s the point ? And no, he was left very comfortably off when his wife passed away. He’s ok for money .

A) he’s lost interest
B) he’s caved in to his parents
C) he might be too attached
D) some other weird reason.

I cut the conversation off after he said ‘sorry’ - so I’ll never actually know. It’s all academic now

I am so sorry this has happened. I understand the elderly may be set in their ways but that absolutely does not make it right or ok and what a shame your ex could not stand up for what is right. Totally unacceptable behaviour all round.

I had a similar situation where an ex's parents were also prejudice (had a problem with me as I am a different ethinicty; in my view this is the same thing - albeit in this instance religion). Very upsetting. It was never a problem for his siblings. We were together for 5 years and they were forced to accept me because he would have none of it. In the end they grew to love me and I then. He and I did split eventually (not because of that, we just grew apart and are still great friends)

I have to say, I am surprised at some of the posts that have an undertone of excusing or minimising/condoning this type of behaviour. I find it abhorrent.

I hope you find love again OP. I am sure you will. You sound like a very kind accepting individual.

Thanks ssmaith - very kind of you and yeah, I’m pretty open to most people as my
job involves talking to all sorts of people all day long. But, chuffing eck, finding someone that’s a radio 4 listening, lefty leaning, handsome and interesting in bed individual is just getting too hard. I’ll take a loookng break.

I think an above poster's comment that this is an act of hate dressed up as an act of love (on his parents' part) is absolutely spot on.

Well - his parents are his parents with their opinions and thoughts. But he has his own intellect and feelings and hopes. This all boils down to good old fashioned honesty - which goes across the whole spectrum